Apparently I can't be a feminist because I changed my name when I married.

[dustandfluff]

I heard someone (a feminist writer dunno who) on Radio 4 a few months ago saying women who change their names when they get married are not feminists.

. I have long been interested in feminism and women's rights. I appreciate the feminist arguments against changing your name. I had my reasons but I don't think that's relevant here. To me this sounds as though to "be" a feminist you have to meet a particular standard.

I think this is the kind of thing that puts a lot of women off the movement.

Opinion s anyone?

My dh's elderly father was a member of a very obscure religious sect, as traditional as they come etc, and yet when I told him of course I wouldn't be changing my name, he asked why, and I explained. Once one has explained, there is nothing to argue with. There is quite literally no rational opposition to the position.

In order for evil to triumph Amanda....

Blistory - Yes I did feel more of a connection to dh's father as I had met him and he hadn't left his wife and kids for his secretary (yes that old chestnut).

I was estranged from my own father at the time so it didn't feel right to take his name at the time, plus I didn't even know what it was. I looked at my mother's family tree and decided against taking her parents names, my maternal grandfather was by all accounts a scary character who beat his children and my maternal grandmother had a name that I didn't want to take for shallow reasons, if you have a choice you don't lumber yourself with a name like Pratt. .

I did toy with the idea of changing my name to something exotic and glamorous but it seemed a little pretentious and taking dh's name seemed the logical thing to do.

Out of interest what would you have chosen in my situation?

Nobody was forcing - or even asking - me to do anythingHully. The reasons are more than that...

And this is why it's ridiculous to say it's a trivial issue. (Amusing side note that it took Exotic, what, 4 or 5 posts in a row to stress exactly how trivial it is. )

Until the decision to keep or reject the surname you were born with, can be made without all these reasons and excuses and considerations to be made, in the society that we live in at the moment (as I did myself) - all of which feed into the far bigger picture of women as second-class citizens... how can it be described as a trivial thing...?

I reiterate, I'm not entirely happy with my decision. I'm annoyed that it was one I even had to make, I think. That is the part that really pisses me off...

Whilst I understand about picking battles, I do think that women should be taking every opportunity to chip away at inequality when they can. I know it's not easy and that you get labelled as a mad, rad, lesbian feminist but if the alternative is that we leave this fight to our daughters, well, that saddens me because it means that all the other sexism remains unchallenged and more women suffer needlessly.

And yes, I do think we have a personal responsibility and a moral one even when it feels like you're on a one woman crusade to change the world. Not saying that I get it right every time but how can you define yourself as a feminist if you don't actively do something about inequality.

Eh? I didn't say you were forced or owt? Whatchoo on about?

Whistle I would have kept my name. It's mine. Simplistic but true.

AND if it's such a trivial little thing, why not keep your own name?

But I hated it. I never wanted that name. It belonged to a man who was part of a different family. Growing up I always felt like a fraud, I couldn't wait to get rid.

And it was Bones!

Dh entertained taking my name as it is very unusual, but I readily embraced the oppurtunity for something more run of the mill if dh goes his name will stay!

Blistory - because you can say that feminism is all about choice.

And so that absolves you from having to do anything to change the world, because it's feminist not to, because it's my choice.

Hully - I'm saying it not a trivial thing...! Not a trivial thing at all. You've misunderstood me totally!

The point I was trying to make was simply that there was no point wading in and telling everyone to step into the 21st Century, because nobody had asked me to change my name, nobody was actually being a dinosaur about it. It was more than that. It's difficult to explain - it was my compromise; one I'm not entirely happy I made, but there you go.

I once knew someone who changed her name by deed-poll to Smith as soon as she could, because she hated her father.

I loved that she chose Smith.

Don't get me started on bloody choice.

When my choices are made on a level playing field, I might accept choice as a valid reason but until then, I'm not playing with anyone who bleats on about choice.

but how can you define yourself as a feminist if you don't actively do something about inequality.

So what then...?

Am I supposed to now don a pinny and argue the case for lap-dancing clubs and free porn for all?

I get what you're saying, I honestly do, and I agree with you. But a). I don't think it's possible to be a 'perfect feminist', and b). if the alternative to being a perfect feminist is handing back your badge, going against all the things you believe in, and switching your principles and not being a feminist at all - well - that's bonkers. And not possible.

The trivial thing was to all those who have said it's a trivial issue, somerset.

Incidentally, DH has a nicer surname than mine, but Bad is my name (as it were) and that's that!

No Somerset, I've already said I don't get it right myself but so many women don't even try because they're ridiculed or harrassed. Or are worried that they might be.

It's the decisions I've made in the past that shock me now that are the reasons I try to be a bit more active. What's the old saying about if you're not part of the solution then you're part of the problem.

I'm not being judgemental or 'cross' about others' choices, Hully, I'm angry about people on here dictating to me and others, saying what we are and aren't and not crediting us with a good deal of intelligence. In fact, behaving rather like male chauvanist pigs.

QED woozley

its no more hard for a woman to change her name than a man
that's quite a lame excuse

I don't know the first thing about the intelligence of any posters. I can only go on the message posted.

Sorry if expressing my thoughts is seen as dictating or acting like an MCP.

Woozley tbh you do sound a bit cross.

Who is dictating to you? What about?

I don't have a problem with women making choices because otherwise they'll be ridiculed or harassed, Blistory. Who wants to be ridiculed or harassed? I don't blame anyone trying to avoid that.

I have a problem with the assertion that avoiding ridicule and harassment is a feminist choice because they're a feminist and therefore everything they do is feminist.

I just find that a bit mad. I know loads of really hard-line feminists and none of them claim that everything they do is feminist. And I know several christians who acknowledge that not everything they do is a christian choice. And socialists who make un-socialist choices.

I just don't understand why some women feel they have to proclaim all their choices are feminist because that's what feminism is about. It's bizarre.

Woozley tbh you do sound a bit cross.

Angry I said, yes I am. Angry at people who put others off feminism. I'm not angry in general, just at some peoples' attitudes on this thread.

I just don't understand why some women feel they have to proclaim all their choices are feminist because that's what feminism is about. It's bizarre.

Exactly, that's what I'm saying.

Others on this thread are saying you can't be a feminist at all if you changed your name. Which is clearly a bit mad, as you say, Fastidia.

I don't blame anyone but there comes a point when it must be worth it and if there isn't, how is that being a feminist.

If you never speak up against it, then what's the point ? By all means, pick the easier battle but please don't attack women who do take a stance and who take the shit, as being dictating and MCPs.