Changing your surname

[slaner]

I just wondered what everyone's thoughts are on changing your surname after you get married. I got married 2 years ago now but just can't come to terms with changing my name. This would be fine except we've got 2 children and they have my husbands surname so I feel a bit weird having a different name to the rest of my family. Also when I went on holiday, me and my daughter went up to passport control desk together and the man wanted to see my husband passport to prove we were parents, he said if I travelled with kids on my own I would need birth certificate to prove I'm the mum, is it just easier to change my name?!

Another expression I don't like is maiden name. I don't use my maiden name I use my surname. If I had changed it I would refer to the old one as my previous surname or birth surname.

Agree WhoKnows - horrible, patronising expression. Yuck!

YY maiden is horrid. Surely it must be archaic enough to be dropped from the language by now.

It should be a matter of personal choice. My choice was to change my name to my husband's name - we always intended to have children, and having one surname signifies we are all part of one family unit - to me, anyway. And there are very negative associations for me to my maiden name, as it was used to create the vile nickname that was used to bully me at school, leading to lifelong depression and suicidal thoughts.

Could you change your DC's names and give them both surnames? That's what ours have, though we're not married anyway. I would never change my surname. Don't understand why you would.

I have been married twice and would never have considered changing my name for a moment. My xMIL was very sniffy about that, I really did not care about her opinion on the matter (a woman who never worked a day in her life and whose life was entirely defined by her husband's role and career).

never thought about 'maiden name' being offensive, but can see how it can be. (It gets right up my nose when people say 'Christian' name rather than 'first' name, as not everyone is Christian, so horses for courses).

I never thought i would change my surname, and in fact i never really did. The surname i was born with is boring, and DH's is rather exotic. So, I use both. Passport and driving licence in my name. Some bank accounts in his surname. Other bank accounts in my original surname. I have his surname at work, but I publish papers under my original surname. I use both rather as the mood takes me. I like having that sort of freedom and i find it amusing to tick the 'are you known by any other names' box on forms.

When I married lovely DH, we discussed me keeping my name and he was really, really hurt. So, as it was important to him, and not so much to me, I changed to his surname.

I changed my name because I liked his better - and your own name is still a man's name anyway from your male lineage. My DH wouldn't have cared either way.

However, what I find odd is that some men are, like Eleanor indicates "really, really hurt" about their wives not changing their name. How many men give any thought to the fact that their wives might be "really, really hurt" at not keeping their name? Double standards are alive and well it seems.

'How many men give any thought to the fact that their wives might be "really, really hurt" at not keeping their name? Double standards are alive and well it seems'

When my best mate was marrying her H, they had a conversation about name-changing and what name they would give their kids. H said that if their children didn't have his family name, his father would be likely to have a fit and never speak to him again. Nice And not at all bonkers or overbearing.

Completely agree about double standards grimbletart.

I never liked the idea of being Mrs anybody. Even back when I was little, I used to daydream that I wanted to get married one day, have children, etc, but I never saw myself as a Mrs. And it does make me feel old when I get called Signora or Madame in local cafes instead of Signorita or Mademoiselle....although when DD in her buggy was addressed as 'Signorita' by a waiter I felt very proud and suddenly it felt right, she is the young one, so she gets to claim that title from me.

An old friend of mine married and divorced young, changed her name back, and married again and changed her name again. She has been 3 different names in the time I've had just 1. I can understand her wanting to get rid of her exH's name, but getting remarried in her 30's, having made a new career & life under her birth name, I was really hoping she'd keep it . Well, her choice, not mine. Oh well.

Yes, I agree, that is where the problem is for me, the expectation that the woman will change her name but not the man. Whereas all things being equal the discussion should be "are either of us changing our name?".

I do sometimes say to people that we both decided to keep our own names, although I don't think DH considered changing his for even a second. Fortunately he didn't assume I would either.

I've never changed mine. The hassle involved would be immense, and for what? (particularly since now divorced ).

I've also travelled with my DC who have different surnames for me and never been asked for their birth certificates or proof that their father has given me permission to take them out of the country (although I had their BCs and a letter giving his 'consent' [grr] just in case).

we had the same discussion when we got married. DH is the only male in his family (very traditional, all the women have changed their surnames upon marriage) to "carry on the name". I have a brother and an uncle who'd just had a son and a daughter, so four of us to "carry on" our surname. I suppose that argument swayed me a little but again I was 23 and if it were today I wouldn't have changed it and insisted on BOTH DC having my surname and DH's surname (just DD does)

I changed mine as I don't get on with my parents. I do know a man that chnahed his name to his wife's surname. However his father had a fit and won't see their children as he can't get over the name issue.

all a pile of crap.

keep your own name, give the DCs a new name.
job done, everyone has their own first, middle and lastname.

the passport thing is bollocks, but it's always a good idea to carry birth certificates for foreign travel.

and how the fuck is it easier to change your name than to carry a birth certificate? one extra piece of paper is harder than changing every single piece of documentation with every company you deal with?

Nickel - are you saying that my choice to change my name, is a pile of crap? I hope not.

JustSpiro

"I changed my name by deed poll when I was 16, then took DH when we got married 9 years ago.
TBH I wish I'd kept the name I chose for myself these days but can't really change it back now."

yes you can, it's your name, you can choose whatever you want, as long as you're not doing it for fraud.

Don't change it! I have the same problem as you OP (if it is really a problem, begining to think maybe it's okay after all). I don't really like having a different surname to DS but other than international travel, where I always make sure I have a copy of his birth certificate on me just in case (and yes, I have had to use it - DS and I have different surnames and different nationalities to boot) it's never been a problem.

Agree with poster that 10 seconds of explanation once in a while is so much less bother than all the faff of changing it (and all the regret after you have done so).

"I did like it in the hospital though as I was unmarried when I had my babies and their name tags had my name, so I completely understand"

I was married when I had DD, and all name tags had my name on.
It did make me comment to DH that maybe we should just give her my name, but understandably I was shot down because we'd spent months working out and discussing and deciding upon the perfect surname for DD that was a combination of both of our names.
(that's the fair part, btw)

Lotta - me too. I would never admit this in real life for fear of offending, but I never understand why any grown woman would want to change their name, unless their original surname really bothered them for some reason.

My DH has a very cool surname and I'm delighted that it's now my son's too, but it's just not mine. Mine is the one I went to school with, put on my driving licence and used for work. I'm proud of it and what I've made of myself. Why would I ever want to change that?

Horses for courses and all that but yeah, for me, it is a feminist issue.

SDTG - no! of course not!
I was replying to the OP about the passport man's comments being crap!

It's up to the individual what name they choose - but I do think it needs to be a choice and a decision rather than a "oh, we're married, I need to change my name on what documents" :)

I am glad, Nickel - I didn't want to misinterpret you - and it seems we agree.

I never had any intention of changing my name if I got married. My marriage to DH is a partnership of equals. Changing my name wouldn't have felt right to me, I'm not his chattel. It was about maintaining my identity as an individual woman.

On honeymoon we talked about what we might do if/when we had children. Dh took some time to get his head around the idea that the children wouldn't necessarily have his surname, even though he never had any issue with me not changing my name.

We came up with what I think is a brilliant compromise, we invented a whole new surname of our own. We changed our names to it by deed poll before DC1 was born and so could just register her birth in the usual way with the new surname. We amalgamated parts of each others surnames into one new one.

So to the OP, maybe you could all change your names to a completely new one? If you can't merge your names then how about choosing something significant to you, the name of the place where you met, where you went on honeymoon, the possibilities are endless.

I don't understand why in the 21st century people feel so atttached to identifying themselves by their male lineage when with a bit of imagination you can start your own dynasty!