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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Changing your surname

130 replies

slaner · 11/10/2012 22:32

I just wondered what everyone's thoughts are on changing your surname after you get married. I got married 2 years ago now but just can't come to terms with changing my name. This would be fine except we've got 2 children and they have my husbands surname so I feel a bit weird having a different name to the rest of my family. Also when I went on holiday, me and my daughter went up to passport control desk together and the man wanted to see my husband passport to prove we were parents, he said if I travelled with kids on my own I would need birth certificate to prove I'm the mum, is it just easier to change my name?!

OP posts:
Original poster
slaner · 11/10/2012 23:14

Yeah I think if I had a rubbish maiden name it would make it easier! :-D yes I know men that can't understand why I don't want to change my name, sometimes I find it hard to explain why but it just doesn't feel right, I suppose it feels like losing my identity a little bit?

OP posts:
Original poster
slaner · 11/10/2012 23:22

Toffee-Thats not waffling, that's a great answer and pretty much sums up how I feel too. I know what you mean about kids not having your name but I guess they had to have one of your names so why not your husbands. I did like it in the hospital though as I was unmarried when I had my babies and their name tags had my name, so I completely understand x

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 11/10/2012 23:23

Ask the men if they would want to change their names!

Original poster
slaner · 11/10/2012 23:26

Most definitely wouldn't!

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 11/10/2012 23:32

Well then - whatever reasons they have for not doing so, yours are equally valid!

Original poster
slaner · 11/10/2012 23:33

:-)

OP posts:
ToffeePenny · 11/10/2012 23:36

Thanks Slaner - I felt the same thing with the name bands too (we didn't agree on a first name until a week out of hospital so pfb was Baby Myname/Hisname on all docs).

I wonder why children's passports don't have a 'Name of Mother/Name of Father' section to deal with this?

LST · 11/10/2012 23:37

I'm getting married soon and I'm changing my name to dps.

senua · 11/10/2012 23:39

I took DH's name. It makes life simpler if he, the DC and I all have the same name like - you know - a family group.
It felt weird at first to change my name but I am used to it now and have been Mrs DHsurname longer than I was Miss MaidenName.

Bumpstart · 11/10/2012 23:41

Toffee penny, yes I agree. European identity cards give the full name of both parents on the back, and so are a more fit for purpose travel document than a passport.

Wrt giving fathers name to dc, I felt that since it was obvious who had given birth to child, it was as well to create permanent link to father at birth too.

sausagerolemodel · 11/10/2012 23:46

I got married when I was 19: youthful impetuous - whatever, I did it, and became Mrs XYZ for five years. In all that time I never got used to my married name - being called at the passport office or the GPs waiting room. It wasn't me, it wasn't the person I was born, named and christened, it was something I adopted, out of love, and perhaps naivety. We split up and divorced, at which time I reverted to my maiden (my "real" name) and vowed that no matter what, I would never ever change it again. It is who I am. It is who I was born. And regardless of any relationship I ever have, it is the person I will always be. I now, cannot fathom why anyone would want to surrender their own name for anything. I have since married again. Our DD has a double barrelled surname. As a feminist, I cannot understand why so many women still now give up their identity, and that of their children, in favour of the father. It should, surely - be a joint thing?

TurtlenamedMack · 11/10/2012 23:48

ToffeePenny, you have totally summed up how I feel. I have not changed my name for both professional and personal reasons. It is my identity and I did not want to sacrifice that when I married. I have a real aversion to that form of address 'Mr and Mrs Turtle Mack" when Turtle is the husband's name. You are lost and entirely defined by your spouse. I regret not pushing for my surname to be either double-barrelled or included as a middle name for the DCs.
OP, do what feels right for you!

Original poster
slaner · 11/10/2012 23:54

Definitely seems like many of us attach some of our identity to our maiden names, I feel the same, don't want to be identified/defined by my husbands name, doesn't feel like 'me'. Although, what's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, etc etc! :-)

OP posts:
LST · 12/10/2012 00:14

Identity HmmConfused my identity is not my fathers fathers fathers surname. My identity is what I make it.

TurtlenamedMack · 12/10/2012 00:17

You make a good point LST. I may just call myself Mack and stick two fingers up to the patriarchy.

Zara1984 · 12/10/2012 06:20

I agree LST. Given a choice of two surnames (ok ignoring the fact I could've decided to use a completely new name) - my identity is NOT that of my distant, unloving father. I chose the name of my DH and his family who have loved and supported me for many years. Smile

Timetoask · 12/10/2012 06:30

I have been happily married for a decade but I haven't changed my surname. I do NOT consider myself a feminist (believe in women's rights and all), but I do think that changing a woman's name is old fashioned and probably comes from times when the man ruled the home and the woman had no choice but to "belong" to him, which is not the case anymore.

Never had problems at passport control or anywhere. My children only have DH's name. They are still my children.

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 12/10/2012 06:31

I got married at 23 and took DH's name. Now wish I'd kept mine at leats professionally but actually just to keep "me"...DS is firstname middlename DH(our)surname, DD born last year is firstname middlename mymaidenname DH(our)surname which makes me feel a bit better - though everyone commented saying how nice for my Dad Hmm so actually how feminist am I really being?

Compromising for now by insisting on being Ms not Mrs...

LittleWhiteWolf · 12/10/2012 06:36

My DH offered to change his name when we got married. I dithered until the actual moment of marriage over changing my name; I was very attached to my maiden name and didn't like his name and he said he had no attachment to his and was more than willing to change it. Or make up a new one, he said. In the end I discarded my maiden name and took his, although I insist on Ms. I wanted to match our future children and felt it would be too much hassle to change his (deed poll rather than allowed simply due to marriage) and too demeaning for him. This was 4 years ago and I know that now I probably would have agreed to have him change hs name.

HollyMadison · 12/10/2012 07:07

I didn't change my name when I got married. I'd always thought it was a tradition that didn't suit me. DH was a bit bothered but I felt strongly about it. I have travelled with DS (who has DH's surname) and although I carry DS's birth cert with me, I've never had to produce it. Although DS is a mini of me!

I wish I'd used my surname as DS's second middle name but it didn't occur to me at the time. One of my friends has done that with her DC and I think it's great.

The idea is being a 'Mrs' makes me feel ill. People do sometimes refer to me as Mrs [DS surname] in connection with things like DS's medical appointments. It used to confuse me. I would prefer for people to use my correct name but won't die in a ditch about it where it's people like DS's medical practitioners. I do feel a bit annoyed when I sit down at a wedding for one of DH's friends and my name card has his surname. That's because I think people should clarify correct names where name cards are used. But this has happened more than once so maybe DH's friends have done it on purpose!

I'm always a bit surprised when friends who marry change their names though!

HTH!!!

greenhill · 12/10/2012 07:20

I answer to Mrs X at school as this is also my children's surname; but my bank account is still in the name I had for the first 35+ years of my life. I don't think of this as specifically being my DF's name as my parents are first cousins and it is therefore our extended family name too. So I am greenhill and Mrs X. I like being both and some of my friends happily interchange between both of their names too.

It can be a pain on important documents though and I have gradually changed to my married name, when they have needed replacing, but not just to register the name change.

Himalaya · 12/10/2012 07:36

I haven't changed mine, the kids have DH's surname. I've never had a practical problem with this (though never taken them on a plane without him).

I will answer to Mrs DH if a teacher or repairman or something calls me that, but I never use it myself.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 12/10/2012 07:52

I have never understood the argument used by some that if you don't take your DH's name you are just keeping another man's name I.e. your father's. Erm, if that is how you look at it, you are actually choosing between your father's name and your father-in-law's name!

(understand if you feel your FIL treats you better than your father this might be a good thing for you)

greenhill · 12/10/2012 08:08

Is it true that in Iceland the DC are named the DH's family name and 'son' is added if male, and DM's family name and 'dottir' added if female? So a DS and DD have the different surnames, even if they have the same parents? Confused

greenhill · 12/10/2012 08:10

I meant DW not DM, so even more Confused

I meant taking the father's family name and 'son' if male and the mother's family name and 'dottir' if female...