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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Changing your surname

130 replies

slaner · 11/10/2012 22:32

I just wondered what everyone's thoughts are on changing your surname after you get married. I got married 2 years ago now but just can't come to terms with changing my name. This would be fine except we've got 2 children and they have my husbands surname so I feel a bit weird having a different name to the rest of my family. Also when I went on holiday, me and my daughter went up to passport control desk together and the man wanted to see my husband passport to prove we were parents, he said if I travelled with kids on my own I would need birth certificate to prove I'm the mum, is it just easier to change my name?!

OP posts:

greenhill · 12/10/2012 08:12

Though they would be same surname after all, as female name down female line, but male name down male line but with extra sons and dottirs added, if necessary...

Himalaya · 12/10/2012 08:12

I agree DOS - it's MY name, the one I've been known by all my life, the one I've published under, the same one my sisters have....

I suppose if someone has bad feelings about their dad they would see it more as their father's name.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 12/10/2012 08:12

I thought it was the first name (so UK equivalent if Jack was the father would be Jackson). But surnames are just not the same as here - I think the phone book is in first name order, for example.

Yama · 12/10/2012 08:19

I am Ms MyName. Dc1 is Ms MyName (now HerName and she is immensely proud to be associated with my family) and Dc2 is Mr Dh'sName.

Fair's fair.

Two siblings more attached to each other you would be hard pressed to find.

Teachers may not link them initially when dc2 starts school but that's no biggie - I'm sure they don't look down upon only children.

Oh, and my reasons for not changing are the same as dh's.

Himalaya · 12/10/2012 08:23

I think the Icelandic way only works where you have a culture of fairly limited and unchanging first names, not where there is a lot of innovation and fashion swings in naming.

We would have generations called Debbie Gladysdottir, Chardonnay Debbiesdottir and so on...

Original poster

slaner · 12/10/2012 08:29

Good point doctrine, yeah I don't really look at my surname as something passed down by a man, its just a name that I've had since I was born so therefore has a lot of history attached to it, whether that name had been passed to me by my mother or my father I still would feel really odd about changing it :-)

OP posts:

Original poster

slaner · 12/10/2012 08:33

It seems like it also depends on how close you were/are to your family, I think if I wasn't so close to my family I wouldn't feel so attached to the name x

OP posts:

Brugmansia · 12/10/2012 08:51

I have chosen not to get married anyway, so it's only a hypothetical question, but I have been very surprised to witness all my friends and colleagues change their names on marriage. Only a minority seem to have kept them professionally too.

When DC is born he or she will have both my name and DP's name. It'll be a bit of a mouthful but for me it's important as DC will be part of me and DP and both our families. In the future DC can choose to be known by just one of the surnames if they want to.

marshmallowpies · 12/10/2012 08:54

greenhill the Icelandic thing is still usually being named after your DF - if your DF was called Jon, your surname would be Jonsson or Jonsdottir. The mothers name can be taken instead (eg Ingesson, Ingesdottit) but its much less common. That was the info from my tour guide when I went there, anyway!

I didn't change my name but DD has my DH's name, keeping my name was a very personal choice for me and I don't in any way feel its a problem that she doesn't share my name. If my DH had had a very interesting, attractive or unusual surname I probably would have changed...principles be damned!...but his name is very ordinary & common. Oh well.

We haven't travelled abroad with DD yet but based on other threads I've seen on this topic, the issues with passport control vary from country to country. I have been to Canada twice & even without DD can confirm their passport control is the strictest I've ever been through, far more intimidating than the US.

Zara1984 · 12/10/2012 09:30

Interesting variation on this - DMIL knows someone called Brenda who got divorced after 20+ years. She didn't want ExH's name, and thought it was ridiculous to go back to her maiden name after all that time, so she just goes by Brenda. As in, she changed her name by deed poll to Brenda Brenda. That's what's on her passport! I guess she couldn't think of a new last name....

Brenda is totally loopy, by the way but I guess it's a novel way to a fairly common problem for many women upon divorce!

Original poster

slaner · 12/10/2012 09:45

Brenda Brenda sounds great!

OP posts:

marshmallowpies · 12/10/2012 10:26

Zara yes I know a man who changed his name and dropped his surname, so he just has 1 name. My exBIL in fact, so I don't know him any more, but since then he's had a kid, I wonder what surname the child has? (the same as my exSIL I imagine - she kept her name and added her DH's first name as a double-barrell, ie she is Mrs X Smith-John)

OxyMoron · 12/10/2012 11:05

I hate this idea that a man's name is his own, but a woman's is only her husband's/father's.

My name is my own. It's the name I've had my whole life, the name people know me by and the name by which I know myself. It doesn't define me, but it does represent me. It's the name that has stood by everything I've ever done.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 12/10/2012 11:30

YY oxy.

greenhill · 12/10/2012 11:38

YY it is on your school certificates / degree certificates / NI number / bank accounts/ driving license etc (if you have these things) and it is a PITA and can be costly to change too.

notcitrus · 12/10/2012 11:53

I have to admit the main reasons I didn't change my name are 1) it didn't occur to me and 2) I couldn't be bothered.
Followed by a career history with my name, and the fact that my surname would die out if I didn't keep it.

The kids have my name as a second middle name, so hopefully won't have any travel issues there. Only problem we ever had was a cheque for our wedding made out to Mr and Mrs Hisname and Myname Hissurname, which we couldn't pay in as no joint account. It was in dollars so just endorsed it for my mum to pay into a dollar account instead - only time I've ever signed that surname!

I do use his name for ordering takeaways etc as it's a common easy to understand name. But before we met I just made a name up.

notcitrus · 12/10/2012 11:59

I think use of surnames is reducing a lot too, which reduces how much I care. For example a couple days before our commitment ceremony the venue asked for a list of names, first and surname, of all guests, for security reasons.

This was when we realised we had no idea of the surname of about 1/3 of our friends, some because they'd been changed but lots we'd just never used them and had no idea. In the end we made them up and hoped our friends would have the nous to agree they were, say, Jane Notcitrus...

BlingLoving · 12/10/2012 12:09

I did not take dh name. And am constantly surprised how many women do and embrace being mrs dhname. The "it makes me feel more grown up" just makes my teeth itch - why on earth do you feel more grown up because everyone knows you are married?!

I also laugh when people say, "we looked at both our names and dh's name was nicer so we took that." I laugh because I have never heard, "we looked at both our names and decided mine was better than dh's so we both took that." Now and again, on here only, I hear of men who changed their name. But it's super unusual.

BlingLoving · 12/10/2012 12:10

Oh, and the poster who commented on name cards at weddings etc - I could not agree more. It drives me crazy. Before dh and I were married, no one struggled to remember my name. But now....?!

summerflower · 12/10/2012 12:16

I travelled a lot with DD as a single parent, and was never once asked for her birth certificate. She was once asked for her name and who I was when we went through immigration, but that was three weeks after the Madeleine McCann disappearance and dd was three and a half at the time.

When I added DS into the mix (three different surnames) I did get a bit of a grilling at Gatwick once. The person let us through but said I should travel with the birth certificates. It would be far easier if they both had my name

I don't agree that Mrs is more grown up, though.

Egusta · 12/10/2012 12:26

I use both my married and my maiden name, and never changed my passport or driving licence because I thought it was a faff. My son has my husband?s surname. I have travelled with him twice without DH, so both times I was travelling- not only with an infant who had a different name to me, but also has a different passport as he is British and I am not. I always just take my marriage certificate and a letter from DH saying I can take him out of the country. (I have never taken Ds?s birth certificate, just my marriage certificate). I have never ever been asked for those documents- which you would think I WOULD be, as we have different names and different nationalities!!!! But I guarantee that the one time I forget to take them is the time I will be asked for them! (That has happened to a friend of mine who is in the same situation, and she was really really grilled hard by the border people).

As for changing your name? well, I keep my marriage cert with my passport so it is automatic to take them both. I have not specifically found it to be a problem. My biggest problem is remembering that DS needs a visa for my home country as I always forget that!

Narrowboat · 12/10/2012 12:30

Keep your name and give your kids your surname as a
Middle name. This is what I did and have never had any travelling issues.

THB I hoik up my judgey pants when a intelligent, 30+ year old woman changes her name. Wtf? I assume it's insecurity so they can show the world that someone does love them enough to marry them. But I don't say this obviously! I say 'hmmmm' really'.

The school thing is a non issue - you are usually X's mummy rather than mrs x.

Also I know women who have got divorced and then changed their name BACK to their maiden name as the ex had been such a bastard. How embarrassing would that be? Safer to keep your name.

Lottapianos · 12/10/2012 12:41

'I have chosen not to get married anyway, so it's only a hypothetical question, but I have been very surprised to witness all my friends and colleagues change their names on marriage. Only a minority seem to have kept them professionally too'

Same here Brugmansia. I have no intention of marrying DP but would certainly not change my name to his if I did. I have no attachment whatsoever to my own last name - it's a drag and no-one can say properly - but it's still mine.

Out of all the hundreds of women I know, I think only 3 of them have not taken their husband's names upon marriage, and 2 of those kept their own name but double-barrelled with his. I can't quite believe it's still such a widespread practice in this day and age. It makes me downright sad to be honest. It's 100% a sexist practice as far as I'm concerned because how often do you hear of men even considering doing the same thing? And I'm also about it making you 'more grown up' - do the rest of us stay in a state of arrested development forever then because we're not somebody's Mrs?

Talyra · 12/10/2012 12:43

I kept my name, and future children will either have my name, with his as a middle name perhaps, or double barrelled. I am also a Ms. I love it. I do find that I still get "Miss" a lot on documents, and people argued and refused to believe I wasn't a Mrs and had kept my name. This made me more determined and more proud to be doing this visibly, as an example to unmarried women who didn't realise that they had the option. I feel like I am changing the world, if only in a small way. I don't have a particular love of the name I was born with or a particular dislike of DH's name. It's just that I didn't see the need to change.

Lottapianos · 12/10/2012 12:44

'THB I hoik up my judgey pants when a intelligent, 30+ year old woman changes her name. Wtf? I assume it's insecurity so they can show the world that someone does love them enough to marry them. But I don't say this obviously! I say 'hmmmm' really'

I do the judgey pants thing too NarrowBoat but didn't have the guts to admit it on here I purposely make no reaction at all when a women tells me she has changed her name, but I have a little sob/sigh inside.

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