In this day and age! A thread for unbelievably obvious examples of sexism.

[blackcurrants]

A thread for "I can't believe that just happened to me! In this day and age!"

Yesterday we spent about 40 minutes in a Toyota dealership, looking to spend about $10k on a used car. The salesman only asked DH's name, only wrote down DH's number, and only talked to DH about the cars available. DH kept referring to me, asking my opinion, and generally looking uncomfortable. Eventually DH snatched back his license from the salesman and said "No, I don't think so. Let's go." And as I turned I added "Joe? Thank you for your help today. I work in sales and I wanted you to know that since I walked in here you haven't asked me a single question, or addressed me directly even once. At one point you walked away from me, talking to my husband about the next car you were showing us, so that I couldn't hear what you said. I just want you to know that I earn more than my husband (actually not yet true, but soon will be!), I know more about cars than my husband (v.true), and you acted like I didn't exist. Which is why we're leaving."

When I got into our car, DH was cheering. We drove 5 miles away and bought a nissan.

As we were doing the dishes last night, talking about this, DH said "I do hope you tell Mumsnet about it." he knows me so well.

Although...................marrried to a quite high-powered guy, i did have to goto london quite a lot (what a pain with 3 dses) and have been asked (apropros talking ablout daytime tv ) 'so how come you can watch daytime tv? ' Me-well i'm a SAHM.............

Cue lots of hilarity, but they did expect me to be a city-girl/worker..

LastMango you're right, I probably was too patient on that occassion, but as Nickel said it was mainly due to trying my best to be professionally polite.

I actually tend to be very blunt and to the point, naturally, and have to work hard at being 'nice' when I'm working, or people think I'm being a arse! Although, if I was a man, I've no doubt my natural personality would be accepted far more readily.

While discussing my flexible working request, my boss said "mothers struggle to work you know" and "what will you do when she is ill?". (he knows DP is going to be a sahp).

I was at the Russell & Bromley childrens' shoe shop in Stratford Westfield yesterday. All the assistants (all female) were very helpful, but DH and I were taken aback by the advertisements on the walls. Above the extremely pink and sparkly girls' section, the ad for girls' shoes said "Twinkletoes!". Above the boys' section, the ad for the boys' shoes said "Good for Action!" Yeesh.

Btw, just because you are a lightweight who drinks half pints doesn't mean you dont appreciate good beer, people! I say this on DH's behalf too, as we both drink half pints.

RAC: Can I speak to Mr Scrablet please
Scrablet, sorry not here, can I take a message
RAC No, is a problem with payment
Scrablet, Oh, it comes out of my account, what is problem
RAC sorry, need to speak to Mr, is in his name
Scrablet, Why? I took out policy I pay for it I am only one who has ever used it, it is my account, speak to me
RAC Has he left the household
Scrablet!!!!!

A little while later policy renewed at 'special discount rate ' but really!

Scrablet did you get the discount after some good complaining?
I sometimes complain (I think it's good to educate people on why they are, for example, losing your business) but sometimes I just can't be arsed because I'm a busy person and frankly, life shouldn't be that hard. But when you do, and it gets followed up by someone who promises a change, it's extremely gratifying!

My career is in Mental Health. One of the jobs I had a few years back was as a therapist in a Medium Secure Unit. Most people ask what kind of patients were treated there, and I'm honest and say it's offenders, and yes they can be volitile, sometimes violent and their index offences are often very serious.

More than one person has said in response to this:

'I wouldn't let my wife work somewhere like that' (men)

'I'm surprised your husband hasn't stopped you' (women)

I worked there for 4 years and then went on to work with Drug addicts. I didn't need my husband's permission to do either. He fully supports my choices, as I do his.

Other people are frequently sexist without realising it.
Me: (to a female friend) oh you've let your hair grow long
Her: Yes, but I don't like it
Me: would you like it cut short again?
Her: Yes, I much prefer it like that
Me: So why don't you?
Her: my husband likes it long, so I don't cut it.

kash

I know IWCD, it's weird, I kind of expect comments like that from the older generation because they've grown up in a different era. But to hear those things from my own peers is really quite worrying.

Kash I was surprised by how much I'd internalized "DH likes long hair, so I mustn't cut it short" - to the extent that when I DID want to cut it short, I ended up burbling on about 'maybe I'll cut it ' for a couple of weeks until he got what I was worrying about and said, bewildered, "it's your hair, currants, you do what you like!" - I was a bit abashed that I'd been subconsciously seeking his permission to drastically change my appearance (it was quite drastic, I buzzed it cut) ... I think I wanted to be reassured that he'd still fancy me or something.

When you look at how people react to cheating spouses (Well he's a shit but she'd let her self go, look at her, not the girl he married, etc etc) I think that's where I'd got some of that fear from. The idea that drastic changes were somehow unfair because I'd had long hair when we met in 2005 ffs!

Incidentally, my hair is v.v. short and I love it! He does too, but that's not what matters because it's not his hair.
It's always a shock when you discover pockets of internalized sexism really deep inside.

It's hard I think, because in a relationship, you do have a need to please your partner to a certain degree, and I guess each couple needs to decide what they feel comfortable with. My friend probably thought it was no big deal to her. Having said that, I wouldn't let my DH's opinions or preferences stop me doing something I wanted to do unless it had a direct negative effect on him. He can voice them and we can discuss stuff but it's my hair!

Having said that, when he grew his hair I made it clear I wasn't a fan, and I joked about cutting it off in his sleep, but in all seriousness I didn't really care either way. It was important to him at the time.

Cambridge University send out an alumni magazine. They sent one to Mr Hisname and then changed it to Dr X Hisname, and one to me and managed to change it to Dr N Citrus.
Then we moved in together in 1999.

Since then our copy is labelled Dr X and N Hisname. Looks like both my PhD and name got lost in the move. I would assume it was a simple admin cockup except I've asked them to sort it well over a dozen times now.

Though actually the worst sexism I've had in recent years was at an alumni do, where I took MrNC with me. Loads of male-female couples, mostly 40 to 50, and without exception they would come over and the chap would ask MrNC what he studied. They'd stumble slightly when he pointed out he was at a different college, then give me a dirty look, then talk to him.

After the 10th or so MrNC started ordering them to talk to me as they were supposed to chat to fellow alumni. After another dozen we started getting blatantly rude and pointing out their faux pas so the visibly-embarrassed wives wouldn't have to. My faves were the 5 or so who said 'oh, they let women in now? Ha, ha!' which had the obvious response yes, since 1972. Do keep up, though it must be hard if you're actually over 60...

ooh nocitrus I would be very tempted to inform them that "And do you know, they also allow women to vote now! And own property! I know, where is this all ending, a female prime minister next? ha ha..oh, wait.."

My nephew fell about laughing when I got in the drivers seat and dh got in the passenger seat. I did have some fun with his misgivings though.

A plumber who always deals with me regarding some rental properties DH and I own jointly always addresses any letters to DH even though the only time he has ever spoken to him was once a few years ago when DH picked up the phone and said 'oh I'll just get DW to speak to you'. Today he called wanting to know DHs first name so that he can register a new boiler at one of the properties.

I told him he could put it in my name on it, cue complete confusion about teh fact that we have different last names. Bless him, he's so 1950s

My Dh always deals with our cleaners, as his schedule is flexible. I usually never see them. But they will still ask DH what he thinks I would like the cleaner to do today. Does DH know if I would like them to rather clean the windows or iron DH's shirts...

I attended a (male dominated) industry event - evening get-together, speaker with drinks afterwards thing.

I went on my own. Two men stared at me for a while, then one of them approached.

Man: So how did you hear about this event?
Me: Well, I am a member
Man:

Had the whole card machine handed to boyfriend, but it's my card thing at Wagamamas tonight. Buoyed up by this thread I've just sent them a complaint

I booked in for formal hall (posh dinner) at an Oxbridge college a little while back, as DrBoffin, and college automatically assumed DrBoffin was DH and I was the arm candy.

I know, I'm the sort of person who thinks up perfect remarks, just 4 hours later

We both just sort of squawked and managed to say that it was mine.

Years ago I worked in a big factory that ran a lot of training courses for the staff. I got sent on Leadership skills or somesuch, 20 or so of us wer sat around the big table and as an icebreaker the trainer asked everyone to talk about things they dream of doing. About half way round the room, one man made a jokey reference to his dream about Kim Basinger and everyone laughed. The trainer turned to me and said "I'm so sorry about that WhoKnows" and I was perplexed, it was only then that I realised I was the only woman in the room. I sort of brushed it off, but was pretty pissed off. i had to endure 2 days of this bloody man apologising to me every time anyone swore (other than that the course was great). This is my proud moment though, when he asked for feedback at the end I stood up in front of the whole room and told him that while I had no problem with anyone swearing I did have a big problem with repeatedly being singled out for being female and he had the grace to look really shocked and apologise.

Yy whoknows, I've had several men apologise to me for swearing but not to the other men present. I always look baffled (genuinely) as I've rarely registered the word even (usually much milder than I would use!!) and don't know why this person is saying, "Sorry, Doctrine".

Oh yes, what is it with the apologising? I'm often the only woman in meetings as well and it happens constantly. Sure I could understand if someone blurted out a totally inappropriate word, but they shoudl tehn apologise to everybody. But I'm not some delicate flower that faints when she hears any mild expletive.

Exactly. I worked in a factory, did they think I had never been exposed to swearing before?