Having a sex preference for your baby

[WannabeEarthMomma]

I'm not a mum (not started ttc yet!) but I'm interested in discussing how others feel about having a preference for a certain sex when having a baby.

I was a tomboy as a kid (my mum indulged my preference for short hair and trousers and assumed that I was gay), and although I'm more in touch with my inner diva these days, I continue to not give a monkeys about conforming to some ideal of womanhood. I think it's good to teach kids about gender roles but let them know that it's fine to not always conform to them if they don't want to. I also think that having a sex preference for your unborn is kind of daft because your choice doesn't decide the outcome anyway! Unless you have a doctor intervene in a way that is possibly illegal(?) then it's up to Mother Nature what you actually get, and whatever your preference, you've a 50% chance of being disappointed. Also, continuing to procreate more than you originally meant to, just in order to get the other sex, seems very unfair on your family, surely it's better to decide on how many children you'd like, regardless of their sex?

Nevertheless, I have found myself reading about natural sex selection theories, (which I think are at best, a long-shot) and thinking that if it were actually possible, I'd probably choose to have a boy! I'm a terrible traitor to the entire world of feminists/lgbt/gender-non-conformists! It's completely stupid because how on Earth would I know that the prodigal son would be anything like I expected him to be. I might sit down to play Legos with him and he might be more interested in Barbie!!!

Joking aside, I do genuinely have this mental image of me as a doting mum of an adult son that makes me go all gooey. Legends of the Fall is one of my fave soppy films to watch because of the 3 very good-looking brothers (one of them is Brad Pitt ) and the thought of having some mummy's boys in my home seems lovely to me. Even though I'd know I'd be happy to have children of any variety, I can't help feeling like I'd be more happy to hear 'it's a boy!'

Do/did you have a sex preference for your unborn offspring? Do you think it is natural to have a certain preference, perhaps for some Freudian psychological reason? Or am I simply a red-blooded heterosexual who has seen too many male-dominated romantic movies, and I'm putting males onto a pedestal?

I kept swinging between wanting a girl and wanting a boy. With wanting a girl more, on balance.

On the one hand, I wanted a girl because I felt more secure with the idea of bringing up a daughter - like I'd know what I was dealing with if I got a girl.

But on the other hand, I wanted a boy because I think, in a lot of ways, things are still easier for men in our society.

I always insisted to anyone who asked that I didn't care so long as the baby was healthy though - I knew that I might not get the gender I wanted, and I didn't want anyone to ever be able to turn to future DS/DD and tell him that I'd said I wanted a girl/boy while I was pregnant with him.

And as regards that whole "a daughter is a child all your life, a son is a child until he takes a wife" nonsense, DH is closer to his mum than I am to mine. There's no reason to automatically assume that a son is going to vanish as soon as he meets a woman, any more than there is to assume a daughter will stick by your side forever.

When I was pregnant with dc1, I was single. I was so scared of having a girl - how would I protect her in this fucking horrible world? Now, I'm not saying that her having a father would have made her more protected but (ime) sharing the worry really reduces it.

Dc1 turned out to be a girl. My pregnancy fears ebbed away as the happiness of having a baby girl took over.

When I was pregnant with dc2 I truly was excited with the prospect of another girl or a boy. He was a boy.

I have two brothers and a sister.

Dreaming and summer, I also don't have a great relationship with my mum and found myself happy when I had a boy. But equally, I would welcome a girl now, just glad I have a boy also, if that makes sense.

I never gave a toss and got seriously annoyed at anyone chattering away about my unborn babies' sex, especially when in the second pregnancy some airheads asked whether I'd "go for a third if that one's a girl again".

I never wanted to find out the sex during pregnancy either, as I would have found it unfair to heap a mount of expectations onto a child that wasn't even born, just based on their genitals.

I was a proper tomboy when I was little, to the point that my mum used to be congratulated on her 'two little boys' aka me and my brother. There's a photo at home of me aged about 7 wearing a dress and it is a standing joke that that is the only time they ever got me in a dress. Now, in my thirties, while I have predominantly female friends, I think I am quite boyish in my tastes, especially in books, films etc.

I always imagined having three 'strapping' boys but when I fell pregnant I immediately felt that I was carrying a girl. We decided to find out the sex at 20w and we were right, it was a girl. I can honestly say that the main reason for finding out at 20w was that, despite my gut feeling on the sex, I wanted to know beforehand if it was a girl because I was terrified that if I found out at the birth I might be disappointed (not because she was a girl, but because it was the end of all my imaginings).

My daughter is 6mo now and she is a tomboy too. But I know that is purely because DP and I 'make' her that way in the clothes she wears. Interestingly, thinking about it, we have given her a very feminine name that shortens to a completely gender neutral name which we use all the time (Alexandria/Alex), which enhances the tomboy aspect. I live in fear of the day she has hair to her lower back that she wants me to french plait (err... no, dear, mummy never had long hair?) and asks to do ballet lessons, but purely because I have no point of reference.

But having said all that, now she is here... I can't imagine not having a daughter.

NellyBluth "I can't imagine not having a daughter."

Me neither....my daughter is the singlemost beautiful and wonderful aspect of my life. I feel sorry for people without daughters....is that patronising and wrong??? But I have a son too and STILL I know that having a daughter is something very special and I wwouldn't miss it for anything. I just love my little girl.

I find that really disturbing. Why would your daughter be the single most beautiful and wonderful aspect of your life, implying your son is not?

I don't mean this in a flaming way, honestly, but isn't there a risk that this sort of attitude could engender at best ambivalence and at worst hostility to women in your son? It sounds like your girl is your favourite by virtue of having been born female. Aren't you afraid that your boy might pick up on that?

Good point, thunks. I only have one DC so I can't say whether I feel a daughter will be closer than a son. Milo, as much as I hate to come back to someone who's followed on from my comment, do you really feel that your daughter is more special than your son? Is this an age thing, are you closer to her? (FWIW, I meant my comment as in "I can't imagine that the baby in front of me as a boy, not a girl.")

Milo I have a ds and find it patronising that you would feel sorry for me because I happen to have a child who was born with male genitalia.

I also think your comment, however fluffy it was meant to sound, was a horrible show of favouritism toward your precious dd chucking in a mention of your ds as an afterthought.

It is things like that which can cause sibling rivalry and emotional damage to a child.

I found that an odd comment too. In my family the boys were the 'special' ones, and believe me I did pick up on that even if no one said it explicitly.

And yes it is patronising and frankly bizarre to feel sorry for everyone who doesn't have daughters, whether they want them or not. I really do not need your pity.

(no problem with NellyBluth's comment - it's natural that you wouldn't now be able to imagine your child as anyone but the person they are!)

milo - yes, it is patronising and wrong.

Ok first off, I was talking about my love for my daughter because I was following on from a post about DAUGHTERS, and wanted to try to get across just how much I love her. THAT is the one and only reason why I focused on her.

How dare you imply I do not care as much for my son. If you saw us together, you would see how laughable that is. Just now I was upstairs with him,stroking his little head as he slept and whispering to him how much I loved and adored him. It should go without saying (and in my mind it DOES) that he is also the singlemost important aspect to my life - I don't separate him from his sister in this and didn't mean to imply that I did. I was just writing about my daughter because as I said, the post I was responding to was about DAUGHTERS!!! Got it?

I agree I didn't make myself that clear, but for a bunch of people who don't KNOW me, to make all kinds of assumptions about me without bothering to check, is totally absurd. Just so you know, I would die for my son, and it makes me sick and really upset that anyone would think otherwise,even if it is just a bunch of aggressive strangers on the net.

Oh...in case you think I'm putting him above my daughter in saying that, I would die for her too. Jeesh!

As for feeling sorry for people who don't have daughters, well ok I guess I don't. But I just meant that MY life would be lacking a LOT if I didn't have her (and my son) and I don't see why that would be different for other people, but obviously it is.

Anyway, I guess I am supersensitive but I cannot take this and am leaving this board. I won't have anyone questioning my unshakeable love for my son. It has made me so sad that I felt I betrayed him when I read your comments even though I know the depth and strength of my feelings. Oh - AND that goes for my daughter (just in case you think I am favouring one over the other - which I would NEVER do because I am a bloody brilliant mother and I am not anywhere near as stupid as you people seem to think I am!)

Don't bother replying - I have no interest in reading anything else here. Just wanted you to know that I am besotted with and crazy for BOTH my children....though why I should have to defend myself as their mother on this board is anyone's guess.

It certainly wasn't my intention to be aggressive! We can all only go on the words in front of us and because you said that your daughter was the singlemost important thing in your life and you were sorry for those of us with only sons, I really thought you meant you favoured your daughter.

I grew up with two sisters and always got on with girls much better than boys.

We have two gorgeous boys. I was a bit disappointed at the scan of DS2, knowing I would ever be unlikely to have a daughter. I'm ashamed to say that now. I am so incredibly lucky to have two amazing, happy, excitable and loving little boys and every day I am reminded how lucky I am.

I do feel sad at never experiencing what it like to have a daughter. I am incredibly close to my mum and I worry that my sons will grow away from me as they grow into men and become husbands and fathers. But it's up to me to maintain a good relationship with them, try not to smother them in my control freakish way and let them lead the lives they want to live, knowing I'll be there for them.

I've always wanted 3DC. I just don't know if I have the energy for a third boy! But then when I see families with three boys, I get big family envy!

As a feminist, it's hard to bring up a daughter in a world which hates her. It's hard too to bring up your son in a world which teaches him to hate women.

Your son is the same as your Nigel. In fact, even more of your Nigel than your actual Nigel (if you have one.)

Just because you love him does not mean that all those cold hard facts about male privilege, rape and abuse melt away because he's your baby.

He will grow up to oppress women - he will have privilege over his female peers from pre-school age. If you work hard at it, hopefully he will be aware of his privilege and try hard to give some of it up where he can. But regardless of what you do, there is still a fairly hefty chance that he will, in some way, behave like a misogynist arsehole at some points in his life.

This is the horrible truth of being a feminist and the mother of a son. You cannot check your feminist analysis in at the door when it comes to your own family. And this is fucking painful.

Your daughter will be oppressed all her life. She will likely receive abuse at the hands of males, no matter how hard you try to protect her or prepare her. This too, is fucking painful.

If you are applying feminist analysis to a sex preference for your children, then this is what you need to be thinking about, not whether which sex is more likely to have Sunday dinners with you after they leave home, ffs.

(To pre-empt the question: yes, I have a son. And a daughter.)

Milo you're right we don't know you so maybe you should look at your post and think about why so many people Drew the same conclusion from it.

As for aggressive people I think you'll find there is only one aggressive reply after your post and im afraid it is yours.

milo - you are being massively over-sensitive. If you look at the words you actually posted, as if you were reading them from someone else for the first time, maybe you'll understand how it came across badly? Two things cannot both be the "single most important" thing in your life. You worded it very badly, and what you said may not be how you actually feel - but we do not know you, except for the words you choose to post here. And those words said that you value your daughter as the single most important thing and pity those who only have sons. So you shouldn't be surprised that people have pulled you up on that post.

Hedy Lamaar ,

'he will grow up to oppress women' that's massively offensive to anyone who has sons.not all men are misogynists and not all women are victims, generalizations like that are wrong.

I hope if you do have a son, you do not speak to him like that, it will do huge, irreparable harm.

I know nothing about feminism as is not something I take a particular interest in but I have to agree with lastnerve.

I would hate to label my child in this way and would like to think that times have moved on and standards between male and female are generally much better now, I for one have never felt outdone by our opposed by a male but then again I don't automatically assume that I will be a victim

PeanutMD

"I know nothing about feminism"
Clearly.

"[I] would like to think that times have moved on and standards between male and female are generally much better now"
I'd like to think that too. Unfortunautely this is so far from the case as to be laughable.

"I for one have never felt outdone by our opposed by a male"
Paygap not a problem for you then? Never worry about walking home alone late at night? That's great for you - it's rather different for the vast majority of women though.

"but then again I don't automatically assume that I will be a victim"
See above. Unless you aren't including taking 'sensible precautions' before walking on your own at night, leaving your drink unattended in a bar and so on and so on, in which case, yes you do.

lastnerve

"'he will grow up to oppress women' that's massively offensive to anyone who has sons.not all men are misogynists and not all women are victims, generalizations like that are wrong.
I hope if you do have a son, you do not speak to him like that, it will do huge, irreparable harm."

On the contrary, I'd say that if I don't make him aware of the massive privilege he has by virtue of his sex then it will do huge, irreparable harm - to any women he might encounter over the course of his life.

This is what I'm saying. You can't provide your son a exemption certificate from feminist analysis simply because he's yours. As a male, he is a member of the class which oppresses women. As a feminist and his mother it is your job to do everything you can to minimise this playing out in the most damaging way. Anything else is burying your head in the sand.

Lamaar do you have children?

I am baffled by your negative outlook tbh.

Women dont have to be victims but clearly there ate some who choose to be.