Having a sex preference for your baby

[WannabeEarthMomma]

I'm not a mum (not started ttc yet!) but I'm interested in discussing how others feel about having a preference for a certain sex when having a baby.

I was a tomboy as a kid (my mum indulged my preference for short hair and trousers and assumed that I was gay), and although I'm more in touch with my inner diva these days, I continue to not give a monkeys about conforming to some ideal of womanhood. I think it's good to teach kids about gender roles but let them know that it's fine to not always conform to them if they don't want to. I also think that having a sex preference for your unborn is kind of daft because your choice doesn't decide the outcome anyway! Unless you have a doctor intervene in a way that is possibly illegal(?) then it's up to Mother Nature what you actually get, and whatever your preference, you've a 50% chance of being disappointed. Also, continuing to procreate more than you originally meant to, just in order to get the other sex, seems very unfair on your family, surely it's better to decide on how many children you'd like, regardless of their sex?

Nevertheless, I have found myself reading about natural sex selection theories, (which I think are at best, a long-shot) and thinking that if it were actually possible, I'd probably choose to have a boy! I'm a terrible traitor to the entire world of feminists/lgbt/gender-non-conformists! It's completely stupid because how on Earth would I know that the prodigal son would be anything like I expected him to be. I might sit down to play Legos with him and he might be more interested in Barbie!!!

Joking aside, I do genuinely have this mental image of me as a doting mum of an adult son that makes me go all gooey. Legends of the Fall is one of my fave soppy films to watch because of the 3 very good-looking brothers (one of them is Brad Pitt ) and the thought of having some mummy's boys in my home seems lovely to me. Even though I'd know I'd be happy to have children of any variety, I can't help feeling like I'd be more happy to hear 'it's a boy!'

Do/did you have a sex preference for your unborn offspring? Do you think it is natural to have a certain preference, perhaps for some Freudian psychological reason? Or am I simply a red-blooded heterosexual who has seen too many male-dominated romantic movies, and I'm putting males onto a pedestal?

[StealthPolarBear]

Sq I have no siblings but fwmle cousins and yes, wanting a girl to begin with seemed to be down to familiarity.

[lastnerve]

Wonder if desiring a son is not wanting any female competition for the affections of the DH?

Surely not unless their all inbreeds? is a bit o_o , maybe mother/daughter relation ships haven't been good in their family, and I do think some people think boys are easier.

[SardineQueen]

annteak a strange post.
I just want to understand what you meant.

"Wonder if desiring a son is not wanting any female competition for the affections of the DH?"

What sort of "affections" would a female child be in competition with a mother for, from the father, that would not apply to a male child? the sexual angle is the only one I can think of.

Would be great if you could explain.

[dreamingbohemian]

I very much wanted a boy, and also felt like a bit of a traitor over it

For me I think it's because I have a very difficult relationship with my own mother and many of the female relationships in my family are extremely fraught and dramatic. I know my son will also challenge me in many ways when he's older but I hope that, being a boy, it won't trigger too many personal issues for me, and I will be able to deal with them better.

(btw Legends of the Fall is the best sappy film ever Poor Julia Ormand though, yikes)

[SardineQueen]

stealth yes I am sure that plays a big part.

[Ephiny]

I think I would prefer a boy. Not to the extent that I'd take steps to ensure I didn't have a girl, but a little boy is what I imagine when I think of having a child.

The sibling thing is interesting. I grew up with only brothers, and have always studied/worked in male-dominated fields, had more 'male' hobbies etc. Even my dogs are boys :). I only have one 'mum' friend, and she has a boy.

For me I think it's just feels more familiar to me.

[peanutMD]

I have a brother and two sisters.
I would prefer another bit because I couldn't be stressed doing hair and what not. :o

[SardineQueen]

YY familiarity is a big part of this I reckon.

It shows up that way amongst me and my friends.

[RuthlessBaggage]

I always had a vague mental image of my "perfect" family being boy-boy-girl, from my childhood. When we were ttc I didn't think about the baby's sex.

But as we got closer to the anomaly scan I got more and more anxious about it. I had quite severe antenatal depression (not yet diagnosed at that time) and had recurrent dreams about having to kill myself if I was carrying a girl. I did not tell anyone until after we found out that we were carrying a boy.

Second time, same thing, which I did not expect. And let me tell you, "doesn't matter as long as it's healthy" didn't come into it. When we were told another boy, but with possible major health problem, I could only think "at least he is a boy". At that time I was happier with a poorly boy than I would have been with a healthy girl, which is mad. (He turned out to be fine)

We are now ttc#3. If we don't have a girl, I will feel cheated out of my Grand Life Plan. It's all in my head. It is crazy. But there you go.

[PartialToACupOfMilo]

My first dc is a girl and all through the pregnancy we referred to her as 'he' (or Bob!) We didn't find out the gender, but then weirdly just before the final push I said 'she's coming' and out popped a girl. She's fab and the 'change' in gender has meant nothing at all - almost as though 'he' was just a default setting for us until we really knew. We had absolutely no preference for a boy or a girl.

This pregnancy I have found out the gender as I wanted to be able to talk about the new baby with dc1 and refer to her new brother or sister. We're (probably...) having a boy this time and I have to admit I was a bit disappointed when they said it was a boy. I think in my mind I had it more firmly fixed than I'd realised that I was having another girl. Interestingly in our family everyone has either boys or girls and no one has a mix; I'd obviously subconsciously assumed I gave birth to girls - still might!! I'm also one of three girls myself, so it's what I know.

Also, we have quite a few dresses which won't get used with a boy (dc1 isn't a girly girl though so it could have been worse) and the two children will have to share a room as we have a two bedroomed house and no money to move. So I think practically it would have been slightly easier with two girls.

Doesn't mean we aren't fully looking forward to dc2's arrival now though

[summerflower]

For me I think it's because I have a very difficult relationship with my own mother and many of the female relationships in my family are extremely fraught and dramatic.

[dreamingbohemian]

Interesting, summer -- I think perhaps it's pretty common?

I also, for many years, did not want children at all, which is apparently also common if you don't have a good relationship with your mother.

[RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief]

When pregnant with DS and before I found out he was a boy, I had a slight preference for a girl, but I think that's because "I know girls". I only have a sister and all my cousins are girls, as were most of our close family friends. I was worried I wouldn't know "what to do" with a boy. That sounds ridiculous now but at the time it was genuine. I had very little experience of babies/small children in general to be fair.

I'm now expecting DC2 (2 weeks to go and we've opted for a surprise) and I genuinely don't mind. On the one hand, another boy might be easier (and cheaper). On the other, I have a good relationship with my mum and I'd quite like a daughter.

I do, admittedly, have a slight concern about "always being the mother in law"- a fear mainly inspired by threads on mumsnet.......

[messyisthenewtidy]

peoplesrepublicofmeow

Go and ring your poor mum now!!!

[summerflower]

a daughter is a child all your life, a son is a child until he takes a wife

[SardineQueen]

I have heard a slightly different version of that without the "child" bit - to do with staying with you I think?

I always took it to mean that a female's duty is to care for her parents when they get older and to maintain that relationship, while a man when he marries moves from being cared for by his mother to his wife, thus the mother "loses" him.

Totally agree that it's bizarre / sexist whichever way you take it.

[MsAnnTeak]

Sardine thinking back to some of the books I've read, if my memory serves correctly, daughters were married out of the household and daughter-in-laws moved in ? Having the cost of raising a child only for them to leave once eligible for marriage was one of the reasons dowrys came about. I'm sure you'll correct me if I'm wrong.

[SardineQueen]

Yes I guess it is to do with the female going from ownership of the father to ownership of the husband and becoming a part of his family and often having duties relating to that.

[MsAnnTeak]

Something i hadn't thought about until surfing around was maybe my desire to have a daughter was due to being brought up in a matriarchy. For several generations the males of the family had been employed away from home and every aspect of managing household and family was in the hands of women. I saw women doing and men passing through.
One to ponder.

[MsAnnTeak]

Sardine, also hadn't realised the need for a son in some cultures had significant religious roots and him being the only person to perform religious rites on behalf of the family. A son, or grandson can only perform the lighting of the funeral pyre in India.

[summerflower]

I saw women doing and men passing through<

Yep, I also come from a predominantly female family, and I did think - okaaaaay, how, as a feminist, do I raise a son???

[SmellsLikeTeenStrop]

I had a preference for all girls but I wasn't miserable when 2 of my DCs happened to be boys.

My mother would often quote that saying ''a daughters a daughter all your life but you lose a son once he gets a wife'', and I always took it to mean that mothers and daughters have a bond that continues after the daughter gets married, but men have to leave and cleave to their wives. The proper meaning is probably closer to what sardinequeen said though. Anyway I guess I've internalised that because thinking about it, even though my DCs are nowhere near old enough to have children of their own. I'm expecting to maintain a closer relationship with my DDs and their future children, than I am my DSs and their future children.

I might also be influenced by all the horrible MIL threads in AIBU and am vowing not be anything like that

[miloben]

I longed for a girl with my first, as I felt I would be able to guide her and teach her things that I had learned. I was blessed with the most wonderful and beautiful girl. I have a lot of sisters who I love, and wonder if that played a part too. Plus I get on great with my mother and love her to pieces so value the mother-daughter relationship a lot . I didn't mind at all what my second child was, and got a boy, who is also perfect and wonderful.

I hated Legends of the Fall. The only film I ever walked out of the cinema for. Boring beyond words.

[WannabeEarthMomma]

It's very interesting that some of you have said you assumed the sex and ended up being right. Coincidence? Or perhaps some women just know on an instinctive level somehow?

I'm sure family has something to do with it, as although I got on great with both parents, I have a lot of female cousins and not many male cousins, so maybe that's an influence.

I think the main influence is my own identity though. Although I might appear an ordinary hetero woman (I have long hair now, and I wear girly clothes and makeup sometimes), I feel like there is a duality to my gender identity. I express my feminine side when I pamper myself or I do creative things that are seem as women's crafts, but I'm not really into shopping or wedding planning, they seem trivial to me. I socialise more like a bloke too, I have many male friends and enjoy trading jokey insults with them, and on a few occasions have alienated and lost female friends because I don't fit the stereotypical feminine social rules of gossiping and fake compliments. I used to get mistaken for a boy when I was a kid, and that was fine with me. I often deliberately use the masculine word for things, like 'actor' (not actress), because I feel like having a special word for the feminine version is strange. I feel like nature made me the way I am, a whole person with a whole personality, but that the gender-ingrained society around me has made me confused and wanting to divide myself in two.

So, I'm assuming that I would have more in common with a boy. But how do I know I won't have a daughter who is similar to me, a 'tomboy', and we'll be best friends!? The important thing to learn from this conversation is, that just because you give birth to a boy or girl, it doesn't mean you know what their personality is going to be like. Some generalities may be true about boys and girls, but sometimes your kids can really surprise you. That's the amazing thing about having kids. You create them and raise them and then stand back amazed at the unique individual they become.

[RuthlessBaggage]

a daughter is a child all your life, a son is a child until he takes a wife<

For what it's worth, I heard it the other way round - "your son is your son for all of your life; your daughter's your daughter until she's a wife".

Feminists raise sons to be good men. Among other things, to know what rape actually is, and to treat people equally regardless of their genitals.