I need some advice please

[nailak]

Hi,

I have this friend and her partner is a bit of a cocklodger and is abusive verbally and physicaly at times. I never got it why she was so patient with him. she has 2 small kids.

today we were talking about people we used to know and i mentioned x that used to live there then went to prison, and she said"was her name x or xina?" so i said yeah xina, and she said do you know what she went to prison for, and i said yes i never spoke to her after she told me about what she did, and she said the girl that it happened to was me.

Ok so basically, this girl was in prison for kidnapping another girl and getting her gangraped and filming it.

So then we talked a bit, and she was telling me how her current partner supported her through that time, encouraged her to call police and go to trial, and supported her through out the trial etc.

and i satrted understanding why she put up with so much. she was living in a hostel she had no support, this man was the only one helping her.

Leave the bastard doesnt seem so simple now.

So what should i be advising her about her abusive relationship?

hmm, very tricky, if he can identify wrongdoing in others he should be able to identify it in himself.

have you spoken to the guy? does he know what you think about his behavoir?

in what way is he abusive physicaly? is she in danger?

I don't think she is in danger, I have seen but only spoken as in hi bye type thing. He has hit her though and he is a drug user, takes her benefits to by drugs, doesn't let her have phone or internet etc.

So he is abusive and the especially dangerous isolating sort, hence he almost definitely sought out a vulnerable woman.

Are there any refuges/ DV support groups in the area? Sometimes knowing there are people out there is the first step to seeking help.

There are, but I don't think she has yet accepted his behavior is unacceptable

Your description of it all makes me shiver, nailak - she must feel incredibly isolated and scared. If he's hit her and stolen her money, cut off her contact to people by phone and internet, IMO she is in danger - those things are dangerous. I agree with dittany and gothanne this sounds quite deliberate on his part. He may even think he is a wonderful, caring type to have looked after her so well - people end up believing their own hype and it can be very twisted. The end result is it's that much harder for her, because he is 'not a typical abuser'. But I think actually that is quite often the case?

I think you are doing the right thing by listening to her and providing a point of 'outside' contact. She obviously trusts you because she told you her story, and it may be she is also aware of a need to defend his actions to you by telling that story - so it sounds as if she is relying on you as a sounding board. If you can be that for her, that must help I think.

I don't think you should feel because he did this one 'good' thing, or because she feels such a big debt to him, you should be more tolerant of what he's doing.

So I just listen, and get her to think about things,

Sometimes I feel like I need to be a trained counselor.

Leave the bastard doesnt seem so simple now

it really is

thanks for the perspective, i needed it obviously.