Am I imagining a 'trend' of excusing misogymy with a lay diagnosis of ASD?

[StarlightMcKenzie]

It seems to be occuring a lot. Women excusing the behaviour of their H's by announcing they must/probably have aspergers or 'traits'.

It is insulting to people with ASD, insulting to women and probably insulting to the men in question.

I don't know, I have never heard this. But look at this article about positive Aspberger traits: jennifercopley.suite101.com/positive-traits-of-aspergers-syndrome-a64523
One is "Aspies are very accepting of the quirks and idiosyncrasies of others. Most don?t discriminate against anyone based on race, gender, age, or any other surface criteria, but instead judge people based on their behaviour. They don't usually recognize hierarchies, and so are unlikely to accord someone superior status simply because that person is wealthy or has attained a high position in an organization."
Of course, everyone is different and some ASD guys might be sexist jerks. It's not a symptom of ASD though, it really stupid to blame sexism on such things.

I suspect the way that autism has been defined and diagnosed is itself sexist. A poster who has an ASD posted some interesting stuff about how the underlying traits of people with anorexia nervosa is so similar to ASD that a number of researchers are now considering looking at autism differently in terms of how it manifests itself.

That has led to a trial in different way of treating anorexia that has been successful. As most anorexics are female, revising a diagnosis of autism in a way that included many (but presumably not all of them) people with anorexia could change the whole autism = extreme male brain idea and help a lot of women, as most anorexics are women.

It does seem to be the new "in thing," doesn't it?

I've noticed that it also goes hand in hand with an OP expecting their OH to read their mind and know exactly what they are thinking and what they need.

Personally, I think in most of those situations, the OP simply needs to be more mature and actually communicate properly with their OH. I am tired of seeing the wave of armchair diagnoses.

it is tiresome in the extreme to see so many 'have you ever wondered about ASD?' posts on threads about: DV, men being absolute wankers, selfish pigs or downright self-centred behaviour.

you couldn't find a more caring person than dd1 - she is always concerned that otehr people are upset, worried, always trying to ensure she isn't part of that upset or worry. she gets the social rules wrong sometimes, sure, but she is able ot learn what the rules are; she may come across as rude at times, but is able ot correct her behaviour, and when it is explained, understand why she should not have done something, and moderate ehr behaviour in the future.

dd2 has 'traits'. in spades. again, she is caring, sharing, and generally thinks of others more than herself (although yesterday she did manage to scoff her chocolate at school, and 'only' bring home just enough to share with the rest of us, so she is clearly learning ). but seriously, she is 5. she got given some sweets at school. she saved some for me, for dh and for dd1 (making sure to check with me first that dd1 could have them, as dd1 has multiple intolerances, and wanted to know that I had somehting else if dd1 could not have them). and yet, she has so many AS traits that she walks a very fine line between NT and AS.

I know that there are many stereotypes about ASD amongst the general public (have come across most of them!). but I do wish that ASD was not so quickly used as an excuse for disgusting behaviour.

I hate all this armchair diagnosis. I have come across it in RL as well, usually by people who have no actual experience of ASD.

Yes, insulting to people with ASD and extremely tedious. They just don't want to admit their H is a sexist knob.

But sometimes it isn't just that the H is a sexist knob. Sometimes the OP is just being ridiculous and expecting their H to KNOW what they are thinking.

Some days I do get frustrated, as I'm tired and stressed, and DH doesn't seem to realise it. I have choices here.. do I get huffy because he hasn't noticed? snap at him because he hasn't offered support? or be mature and communicate with him by telling him I'm tired and stressed and ASKING for support. He has other things he's dealing with as well. He can't read my mind, any more than I can read his.

So, yes, sometimes the DH is being a knob. But sometimes so is the OP on that particular thread (not you Star ). It certainly isn't necessarily indicative of ASD.

Oh my GOD no you are not imagining it!

As the mother of 2 boys with autism I am PIG SICK of clearly arseish behaviour but in NO WAY autistic behaviour being followed by "do you think he could be on the spectrum?"

No.

He's an arse.

ASD is the new npd. I remember when people were diagnosing npd all over the place too. Oh, he left the top off the toothpaste, sounds like npd to me.

Now it's oh, he doesn't give a shit about you, sounds like asd to me.

er. no. Just - no. Stop it.

oh no! DH leaves the top off the toothpaste!! Should I be worried?

ASD has nothing to do with misogyny.

There we are. Glad we got that sorted.

Yup. My eldest son has been learning about the suffragettes and is outraged about the treatment of the women he's been learning about.

ooh - maybe he's not autistic after all

I dunno...surely, If anything, believing men and women are equal is the default, logical, neutral option.

i.e. - you're not allowed to have racism, homophobia, sexism. Even if you didn't personally agree those are the generally accepted rules of society/UNDHR etc. so lots and lots of people agree and surely it's more logical to agree with them then decide that you are right and every one else is wrong.

(For what it's worth I identify with a lot of Apergers 'traits' and I'm a woman.)

Is this in response to thread where everyone's tosser of a DH is tinternet diagnosed with AS?
Some women may well be married to men who have undiagnosed AS but I'm pretty sure you don't get through 20yrs of marriage then wonder.
To be fair to the OP though, her DH stepping over her unconcious body to get toothbrushes because he didn't know what else to do may well be a sign of something but not in isolation and it doesn't mean that everyone else should be jumping in with the , 'Yeah my DH is really aspie sometimes' It makes me want to shout, 'Look up the word pervasive!!!!'

But the absolute worse statement associated with asd threads is a toss up between either,
1)Einstein didn't talk til he was 3! -Eh, would that be the autistic Einstein?
2) We're all somewhere on the spectrum! -No we bloody are not!

I don't actually have a child or husband on the spectrum although we have a few worried about our youngest. However, this trend toward describing cold behaviour as aspie behaviour is offensive and dangerous. Likewise, suggesting that we're all a bit autistic.

You see, LaFata, that's the thing. Lots of people will identify with some AS traits; lots of people don't like crowds or are very shy. They may feel anxious or have an interest they feel passionate about.
BUT, for a person with Aspergers, these difficulties manifest themselves to a point that adversly affects how that person can function every day. It may be that a crowded room makes them feel so anxious that they either lash out or pass out. It may be that their interest in trains means that they need to read 3 books on the subject without leaving the house each morning. For a person with ASD those traits aren't simply traits, they are often debilitating.

before leaving the house

BIL is diagnosed aspergers. He has acute social anxiety and takes medication to help. He sees a therapist. He finds it hard to follow conversations.

But if he ever managed to get a girlfriend he would not treat them badly. He may find them mystifying, he may misread cues or ignore cues, but he is capable of showing alot of affection, generosity and knows how to treat people.

My eldest has AS.

If anything he goes out of his way to try and understand peoples feelings because he struggles with it, if that makes sense.

All this Aspie = twat makes a mockery of a condition that can be at best hard to cope with and at worst soul-destroying.

No, of course, I completely agree Lovingthecoast.

Although, then there's that whole thing about women with Aspergers/Autism often acting different from men with it - because of the whole 'girls having to be friendly and social' thing. That said, I'm very much a layperson.

Totally agree with you OP. My mum talks a lot about how she thinks my brother has aspergers/autism - an armchair diagnosis. This is purely on the basis that he is a selfish twunt who leaves all the childcare and housework to his wife, preferring to spend his time playing computer games and being lazy. All overlaced with a big dose of arrogance.

And it is very insulting to those who actually do have Aspergers/Autism

My six year old is very particular about language (what is and isn't allowed in a given context).

I'm sure his teachers would be surprised to find misogyny on the list of AS traits,

since he often asks them, 'Was what you/he just said sexist'?

Mumsnet is riddled with people diagnosing ASD and personality disorders in all and sundry. It drives be bonkers it does.

I can not tell you how relieved I am to see this. I suggested this once on a thread in relationships and got flattened. I had to hide the thread in the end because the abuse was so horrible. :(

It's one of the main reasons I avoid the Relationships board.

I've hidden the whole section of relationships.
I do agree that expecting a partner to be telepathic and crying 'Aspie' when they are not is very annoying, FFS use your words, not sighs and eye-rolling and 'but you should just knoooow'
My Aspie is excellent at housework, once shown a few times, he does it to the same standard every time. Of course, he's still a teenager, so he tries to duck out sometimes.

pmsl.. I had to read that twice... first time through I was thinking "her partner's a teenager??"

and not even had any wine tonight!

Looking at 17 years of living with an Aspie son, my OH does fit very nicely into the box too, as does DD but neither has a formal dx.
OH does need things making clear to him when it comes to emotions, expectations and when dealing with new situations but he's managed for almost 60 years without one, because when you are exceptionally clever, with a specialised field of interest and an unworldly attitude you fit right into the higher levels of academia. You are eccentric.
But yes, he has woken me up when I've been at death's door to ask me some trivial detail that I always deal with. But he won't do that again, after I explained what he should do next time. In between all the four letter words that confused him.
Likewise DD's traits didn't get in the way of her having a life, an education and friends, they presented differently in DS.

Some people are married to lazy arseholes who don't care enough to try and work at a relationship, or problem-solve together.
So that's when I'd rather my DS didn't have a serious relationship if the choice is with a partner who would use his dx as a catch-all for any cock-ups. Because sometimes he's having problems because of the AS and sometimes he's being a lazy arse of a teenager. Either way, it needs clarity, and laying what matters out clearly, along with what isn't acceptable behaviour. With words.