Come and share stories about positive support you've had from other women :-)

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I wanted to start a thread about the sense of support and community I sometimes feel very strongly, both on MN and in RL. I thought maybe we could share some positive stories, and maybe get to thinking about what is so important about community and shared experience for women. I don't just mean women-only spaces, but all sorts of times when you've felt picked up and cared for by the support of other women.

The background to this post is a trip I got back from last week. I went abroad, and I've never been so far away or visited this country before, and not to put too fine a point on it, I was really nervous and stressed about the whole idea. But not one, but two feminists - women I'd never met before in real life - rallied round to help me find places to stay and work out how to best get on. And both of them met up with me during my stay, and we had a ball. And it just made me feel an amazing sense of community, that women from halfway across the world could all meet up, with very different beliefs (really! One is a devout Orthodox Christian and the other an atheist academic), and still be so kind and supportive.

I just thought it was amazing, and it made me very proud to be a feminist. So ... over to you.

My partner has bipolar which is thankfully now under control. But when things were really really difficult, a woman who is an acquantaince/friend phoned up for a chat - I hadn't spoken to her for months. When she asked how I was, I got really tearful and started to tell her some of the problems. She drove over and took me out for coffee and let me blub and tell her my woes. It made a real difference at a difficult time.

MiseryPlop, it was lovely, and you are soooo nice!

LRD, thank you x

I would just like to echo all that poster have said about finding support on MN. I posted for a while in the one parent families board and joined a long running tearoom thread. The women there are the loveliest most understanding people ever (and they still loved me when my second dc was born!)
Recently I have been job hunting because I need to leave the place that has been my home for the last eight years as it has become extremely violent and unsafe. I still haven't got one, but MN posters there and others on this board have held my hand at appropriate times, proof read my job applications and sympathised when it hasn't gone well. You know who you are - I love you lots.

And MP I understand completely, I am very socially awkward and find rl friendships quite difficult. MN has really opened my eyes to how good friendship can be.

When I was breaking up with my ex, and I had become competely dependent on him, two of my female friends were the ones who just opened my eyes to the fact that I was a capable person who could do things in her life no matter what became of the relationship or my (stressful) job. One rang up and said that her DP was happy to go and stay at a friend's house for a night/a few nights/ a few weeks if I wanted to stay with her in their tiny flat. The other just gave me what can only be described as a Good Talking-To about my capacity to be independent and live my life. Obvious things perhaps but things that it is easy to lose sight of at times.

My local feminist group is also wonderful. We do a lot of chatting on facebook (within our closed group) and if I or anything else posts about being harrassed in the street, or worse, or asks a question about issues at work etc, the way others are ready to sympathise and be helpful and suggest things is just marvellous.

I have had the most wonderful support from many different women my whole life.

At my absolute lowest times it has always been my female friends who have pulled me through. They have been there in the middle of the night. They have held me when I cried. They have shown me such kindness and strength too. They have imparted many words of wisdom that have inspired me and helped me throughout my life.

I struggled with pnd after dc3 and shut myself away a lot but on one occasion I had to visit my GP. Sat in the waiting room I was filled with anxiety and could feel the panic rising in me. This older woman who was on the other side of the room very subtlety move closer to me and starting asking me about dd, did I have any others, what were their names etc. the distraction calmed me down. She was so kind in the things she said to me too and by the time I went in to see the doctor I was completely calm. When I came out she had gone but I'll never forget her.

The other thing that really stays in my mind is when I was in hospital having dd. I had to have an emergency section and was terrified. Throughout the operation the female anesthetist stroked my head. It sounds so trivial but that small action made me feel safe, calm and looked after. I can't even remember what she looked like but i'll always remember the touch of her hand.

Oh, Memoo. I don't know why, out of all the things on this thread, but that kind anaesthetist story makes me want to cry :)

I have so many male friends who I love, but I was reflecting the other day how very much we usually talk about THEM, and how there are only a few I would really be able to go to with a problem and expect to be heard and helped.

Artex you've reminded me about the MW who delivered DS1...I'd wanted a homebirth, but two days before I was due, I tested positive for glucose in my urine sample, and my MW said she'd rather I came in to hospital to have him, as she was worried about potential risks of shoulder dystocia etc.

I was in bits, but she promised me that I'd be treated as a 'homebirth transfer' and would be able to return home ASAP after delivery.

When I went into labour, we called the unit and they sent her to my house - just as they would have done if I'd been having my baby at home. She followed me to the hopsital in her car, and stayed in the delivery room with me for the whole nine hours, never leaving me.

I did end up with a shoulder dystocia, and it was horrible and violent and hugely scary, but the first thing she did afterwards was give me the BIGGEST hug and tell me how happy she was that he'd been born safely in the end.

I have never been so grateful to another person as I was that day. (I even ended up with some weird form of 'trauma bonding' and sent her a big long letter telling her how grateful I was to her for getting DS1 into the world safely) and I was in bits the day she signed me over to the HV at 2 weeks postpartum.

She was just wonderful.

I'd have to say MN too.

It has made such a huge difference to my life. It's helped me see things from other points of view, has provided support for me when needed and I've met some lovely women. It also introduced me to feminism (though the building blocks were all there).

None of my friends are parents, so sometimes I feel lonely, and MN has helped me find people who've been there, done that and know what it's like. I hope when my friends do have children of their own, I can pass on some of the MN wisdom to them.

I'd agree with MN. As someone on another thread said, a lovely nest of vipers. :)

Some others I've remembered include the nurse who gave me my first smear. I was terrified, and she was so matter of fact and chatty that she took my mind off of things.

My doctor who is amazing, and who has supported me through depression and infertility.

The nurse who held my hand during my HSG.

The group of women with whom I had group therapy some years ago. They inspired me to realise it was okay to be a woman and not have a partner - and that you could still live a fantastic life.

Lovely nest of vipers is about right.

These last few posts are reminding me of the live labour threads - I am dead sentimental I guess but I do love those, especially when someone ends up posting for days on end with 'no, false alarm ... or not ... or, ooh, actually ... BABY!'

It gets me every time.

Oh god, yes, I'd totally forgotten about lovely, caring women in the nursing profession. I was in hospital (fairly) recently with a kidney infection and didn't know that it's standard practice to inject everyone on the wards with an anti-blood-clot drug. In the stomach. I'm really, really afraid of needles, even just in my arm :( The nurse who did it was very kind, she closed the curtains for me when I asked for privacy, and she apologised for making me cry (and seemed to genuinely feel bad) and held my hand, and promised to come round earlier if I was still in the next night, so my mum could be there () And then later on another nurse came round just to talk to me, she was on the end of her 12 hour shift and wanted an excuse to sit down I think but noticed I was a bit upset and asked if my friends were saying lovely things to make me cry (I was looking at my phone trying to get MN to work!) - actually, I was so in shock that I hadn't bothered to text anyone, so nobody knew I was there except for DP and my family. She sat there with me for about ten minutes, and then went off to get me an extra lunch box so that I could have the kit kat out of it (and was suitably annoyed when the kit kat turned out to be missing!)

I wish I'd had either of their names, because I wanted to send them a card and just say "Thank you - it made such a difference that you were kind." I think I really underestimated how horrible it is to be in hospital and be SO out of control and not have a clue what they want to do to you next. I found it incredibly frightening, and I've never been scared or worried about hospitals.

So many random women on helplines who have listened to my breastfeeding / child doesn't sleep / pnd / separating from dh woes. I know they are trained to do that "Hmm... Yes... That must be so hard for you..." thing but it really does help just to have someone listen and not try and solve your problems, just acknowledge that you do have problems. I have phoned a lot and never got a man on any of them (obviously not the bf ones!).

Also my parent's support group. It is so amazing to get to know people you never would have picked out as friends but just hear about their lives and be completely honest about how hard you are finding things.

And La Leche has made me realise just how supportive, non-judgemental and welcoming other women can be. Without the competativeness that you can get when you meet women through school or uni or work or listen to people bitching about how other women look on nights out etc.

Since dd died I have discovered how wonderful other women are.

Peachy who organised donations for a lovely memory box, photo album and other little things from MNers.

The Mumsnet Woolly Hugs crew, all the ladies who crafted and donated for our lovely blanket.

The ladies on my ante-natal thread who sent roses for Sylvie-Rose's garden. ( And yes, Sylvie-Rose was a very un-feministy name for me to give a dd but no-one here has ever pulled me up on it

A lovely lady local to me who has become a good friend and invited me to sit in her kitchen to eat scones and whinge.

Neighbours who brought dinners when we weren't able.

And they were all women.

Sorry to hear about your dd chipmonkey. Good to hear about the support you have had though.

Lovely thread, LRD!

Oh, chipmonkey, I'm so sorry - I'm glad there were women to support you.

Sylvie-Rose is a beautiful name (and, besides, what about Sylvia Pankhurst?).

(And thanks, sting.)

Actually, that's true, LRD!

I love flower names.

Oh Chipmonkey, my deep condolences and love. Sylvie-Rose is a beautiful, beautiful name.

so sorry for your loss chipmonkey. i think Sylvie-Rose is a beautiful name and feminists aren't against beauty as far as i know!

on a personal level i have friends i've known since childhood and i know that if i picked up the phone and asked for virtually any kind of help they would give it to me. i've had school mums that i hardly know help out with picking DD up in emergencies, and when i had my DS i was astonished at the number of women who offered help of some sort: company, hand-me-downs, gifts, support.

however, i'm standing for election at the moment and i'm taken aback every time i come across yet another community group where the vast majority of the work is done by women. it's particularly noticeable in the "caring" areas but the other day i was speaking to a woman in her 70s about the beach cleaning group she runs and she was telling me how it was kind of falling apart due to the stalwart members' changing personal lives. every person she described was a woman, most of them 70+ and yet they are the ones out BEACH CLEANING (in Scotland - it's not exactly pleasant...) and they are representative of so many women locally who see it as their duty to give something back to the community.

so sorry Chipmonkey, I'm glad you have felt so supported though.

skrumle- what you say about women working for the community rings true here as well, there is a group that goes around repainting road signs, clearing verges, litter picking and they cleared the area around local shops of snow/spread grit as well. Another group got a local landfill site turned into a wonderful park with community events etc.

The closest I've come to that sense of utter support was when I had DS at home. The house was filled with women - mother, her female partner, MIL, two midwives, DD. My mum was holding my hand and MIL and mum's partner were in the kitchen drinking tea. When DS was born I went to have a shower and came back to bf DS for the first time on the sofa in the living room. The room was clean and quiet and my mum, her partner and my MIL all gathered round me and we all drank tea (well DS had my milk) in the half light and talked about DS and their own births. There was such a sense of love and support in the room and also of shared experience. I just wish I had had that with DD. And on a lighter note MIL now thinks I can do no wrong as she got to hold her grandson at seconds old!