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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Old Western men young Asian wife....How in 2012?

94 replies

TheFeministWife · 12/01/2012 14:22

I would really like to explore this phenomenon. I get the money, young body blah de blah. But how the fuck does it happen so often.

My father is leaving my mother for a 45 yr old Chinese woman, he's the last man in his office to dump his wife, of 40 years, for a younger Chinese wife. Many of the Chinese women get pg very quickly and the sight of decrepit Westerners watching his young wife run around with a child is not uncommon.

Is it that we bombard men with the 'ideal' woman so much so that they stay focussed on that their whole lives?

Why doesn't my father care that she only loves him for his passport?

How can he walk away from 40 years?

He's also never going to see myself, sibling or our children EVER again.

OP posts:
Gigondas · 12/01/2012 14:26

Isn't this a much a relationship issue as a feminist one?
Am sorry for you and your mum to be going though this.
Also you don't say why your father lives but maybe the only women he meets are Chinese so am not sure if that relevant to your point about him leaving your mum.

TheFeministWife · 12/01/2012 14:52

They live in China...I am a known poster.

And no it's definitely a feminist issue.

OP posts:
wahwahwah · 12/01/2012 14:54

I am sorry you are going through all this, it mst be a nightmare for you and your mum (and family). How did they meet? Is it a definite thing that he is leaving

nailak · 12/01/2012 14:55

someone put a theory forward on another forum that it is because womens sex drive decreases as they are older but mens dont? so unless they have an affair, or second wife, or deny their feelings and desires then they divorce and remarry

thunderboltsandlightning · 12/01/2012 14:55

Very sorry to hear about your dad TFW. Some men do only view women as objects to serve their needs, whether it be domestic, sexual, reproductive etc. I don't think it's so much that men are bombarded, just that some of them see women as resources to use.

Did every man in his office really do this? How ghastly.

How is your mum?

TheFeministWife · 12/01/2012 14:55

They met whilst he was inspecting a factory, apparently they went to a hotel one lunch time [boak].

OP posts:
TheFeministWife · 12/01/2012 14:56

My mother is beyond crazy....

He slept with a prostitute 5 yrs ago and she stayed.

OP posts:
Gigondas · 12/01/2012 15:06

It's certainly not indicative of a relationship based on equal /shared interests (or unlikely to be). If you are right that she is in it for status/passport etc . And the man because it makes him feel virile/young etc. I may be wrong but given language / culture difference it is unlikely to be a relationship based on shared interests and outlook.

It is a pretty depressing view that man has of women and the woman has of herself )I know that poverty /culture has a part to play.

Gigondas · 12/01/2012 15:07

What is your mum going to do? Has she got support network around her? Sounds like she isnt first person to go through this if whole office has done it Sad

YNK · 12/01/2012 15:08

I think there is a lot more of this happening with older women and younger men as well. I have travelled to places where sex tourism is as prevalent in this respect and TBH I have been on the recieving end of unwanted male attention as a result. The worst places I can think of are Turkey, Tunisia and worst of all, the Gambia.
I'm not sure how it compares in the marriage/relationship arena though. I am more familiar with western women being scammed in this respect than men although I know that happens too. Maybe women in the far east are happy to have the security that a western income provides and are more conditioned to be submissive in return?

KRITIQ · 12/01/2012 15:09

I'm sorry to hear what has happened and it must be just a huge shock for you that your parents are splitting and that he's left her for another woman.

I think to one degree or other in all countries and cultures of the world, men or at least many men feel "entitled" to "buy" women for relationships/companionship/sexual services/domestic services (sometimes all of these.) Think of the older, wealthy men in the UK who have younger, conventionally more attractive partners. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with having a life partner who is older, younger or in any other way quite different from you. What I'm saying is that there tends to be more of a pattern of this even in this country where the man is older, more powerful, more wealthy and the woman is younger, less powerful and with fewer resources of her own.

In other settings, where there can be an even more vast socio-economic gap between people - like that between expat Europeans and resident people (say China,) it perhaps creates even MORE opportunity for MORE men to be in that privileged position of being able to "buy" women. By "buy" I don't mean money necessarily changes hands (although sometimes it does,) but more a woman with less wealth, influence or future prospects is able to gain more financial security, status and potential prospects in a relationship with a man who who has these things.

I do think that there may be specific issues for expats living in other countries and cultures not just because of often having greater socio-economic privilege than those resident. Often, the social, political and cultural values may be different than from where they come from. Often these afford even greater privileges to men than they do in say the UK. Some expat men relish this and take full advantage of what is suddenly on offer. They can also convince themselves that what their doing isn't such a big transgression because they are doing it there rather than back in the UK. I've heard this argument, for example, from men who buy sex and/or have relationships with underage girls or boys.

It's my understanding that also in relatively small expat communities, where people tend to "know" each other, they can sort of "egg each other on," if that makes sense. You said everyone else in your father's firm left their wives for younger local women. That then creates a sort of "culture" amongst expat males where that is considered an okay thing to do.

Perhaps it's just an extension of a sense of male entitlement coupled with greater opportunity to act on that and less of a sense that it's wrong.

Again, really sorry to hear about your experience.

AMumInScotland · 12/01/2012 15:10

I think there's maybe a cultural element there that's different from what we see in the UK - you say all the men in his office have done this. That's different from the UK - yes a small number of men do it, but they tend to be viewed as a bit odd, even by other men.

Presumably the "typical" Chinese woman these men are ending up with have qualities which appeal - maybe a more traditional/passive view of relationships? Maybe a pragmatic "behave how he wants me to and get the bills paid" view?

kreecherlivesupstairs · 12/01/2012 15:13

I've got no advice, but will report what I saw in Thailand.
I agree with nailak, mostly these relationships are sex driven. Depressingly, older men can't help thinking with their cock. Given a bit of encouragement from, quite often desperately poor and uneducated women, it's goodbye old wife, hello new one.
These relationships are seldom happy or equal, IME, once the woman has a child, it's good bye subservience, hello domination.
Your Dad will be learning the hard way not to play away.
Support your mum as much as you can. She is a very forgiving woman, but she can't forgive this one.

KRITIQ · 12/01/2012 15:14

YNK, yes it does happen with older, more privileged women and younger, less privileged men, but I don't think on the same scale. I think that's also considered to be more taboo - the DM tends to froth at the mouth about such stories, but rarely blinks an eye about men "buying Thai brides" or anything along those lines.

There are probably psychological/self-esteem issues for both men and women who do this - getting older, losing their identity/attractiveness, wanting something to reassert that they are still valued, so buy some "arm candy" as a fix. Ultimately, it's the less privileged local women (and some men) who are exploited in this.

It's a bit of a hangover from colonialism as well, isn't it?

I do hope your mum is okay and high tails it out asap.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 12/01/2012 15:21

Until women have another way of getting out of poverty it will always remain a feminist issue. Its not the only reason it happens of course but it is a major factor in women from developing and/or opressive countries attaching themselves to older western men.

I am really sorry this has happened to your family OP.

Bloody hell how awful.

wahwahwah · 12/01/2012 15:29

I remember seeing a programme about Asian women who had married older british men. Yes there were some oddballs whose only way of getting a bride was to join and agency and meet one (the obvious language barrier between some was quite sad in some cases).

One woman was as happy as a sandboy being married to an older man, in their nice house. She didn't have to work and looked after him. They did seem happy though. She came across as devoted to him and he adored her. She said that where she came from (I forget where) their culture respected older members of society and she didn't see him as old. It seemed to work for the. They didn't say whether an older woman would take a young husband though.

There were others though that came across as very sad relationships, where they didn't even try to say that it wasn't just a convenient relationship for both parties.

YNK · 12/01/2012 15:33

I agree KRITIQU, about the double standards in the views held which make older western men more prevalent in these relationships. The only place I have heard where it's the other way round is Vietnam. I was told there that any man in a relationship with a western woman would be considered fortunate, but there would be disapproval if the genders were reversed. The fact that they also equate pale skin with youth may be a factor there though.
TFW, I am sorry you and your mum are going through this.

HoleyGhost · 12/01/2012 15:35

There is often a very unpleasant culture among expat communities abroad. It takes real moral fibre to resist it.

The Milgram experiments showed that most people are prepared to inflict fatal voltages on others, in the presence of an authority figure. Immersed in a community of the same, how many would have the courage of their convictions?

Wamster · 12/01/2012 15:37

I think that the 'young' women aspect is a red herring here. This women is certainly younger than your mother, but 45 is hardly young, is it?
I know you are upset- who wouldn't be? But I think focusing on this women's age is just a red herring.
Forty-five is not young at all. So it may very well be a feminist issue, but not one, I think, based upon the age of the 'other woman' here.

Portofino · 12/01/2012 15:38

My dad did this - left my stepmother after many years and took up with a chinese woman younger than me. It has destroyed him. She is/was no victim here (well not of him at least) - she wanted a wealthy foreign husband and a UK passport and she got one. She got numbers from his phone and called my stepmother to tell her exactly what was going on. My dad was kicked out and financially cleaned out by the subsequent divorce.

The minute she finally got her UK passport, she moved into the spare room, got a job and whilst my dad pays ALL the bills, plus sends money to China for her family, she keeps every penny of what she earns. My dad lost all his friends, his health (he turned to drink). his job. He is 62 - looks like an old man, on incapacity benefit, whilst she swans round on foreign holidays. He is a fecking idiot, yes - but this woman knew what she was doing. Her sisters have done the same thing.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/01/2012 15:38

If your father went with hookers in the past then the marriage may have lasted 40 years but it's been pretty rocky for the last 5 at least. If he's in China and he's looking for a bunk-up in a hotel then there's a good chance the women he's going to take with him will be chinese. If he was in England, it would have been someone more local.

It's really not a feminist issue and it's not helped by trying to make stereotype generalisations about the motivation and behaviour traits of chinese women. It's an unfaithful and foolish old man issue. They are capable of being badly behaved wherever they are.

When Rose Castorini, the wife with a cheating husband in Moonstruck, asks "Why do men chase women?" she gets the answer "Because they fear death"

wahwahwah · 12/01/2012 15:39

Portofino - that is such a sad story. I wonder if he would have left if he hadn't been pushed? Who not divorce her?

Portofino · 12/01/2012 15:41

He talks of it from time to time. I am hoping for a happy ending. Especially when she realises that "assets from the marriage" go both ways.....

YNK · 12/01/2012 15:41

www, I think there is also a fear in these countries that single western women will give oppressed women ideas and I have experienced harrasment as a result of the challenge it creates in more
male dominated countries. I have often been asked where my husband/brother/father is because they cannot comprehend that I do not need the permission of some man to go travelling.

wahwahwah · 12/01/2012 15:44

Where are you YNK? That would drive me nuts.