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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

AIBU to think younger women should not dye grey hair

90 replies

maybenow · 07/12/2011 21:51

I am finding myself growing more and more angry as i discover just how many women in their 30s and 40s feel absolutely compelled to dye their hair to cover any trace of grey.
I'm more angry as news has come of just how poisonous hair dye is! (see: here for e.g.)

I am blonde/red haired so it's not an issue for me, so this might be seen as hypocritical but i just wish SOMEBODY would take a stand and show that grey hairs are totally normal and does not mean that you are ready to draw a pension. If everybody under the age of 60 hides their grey hairs then each woman feels alone and ashamed and that they have to hide them too, even if it means putting their health at risk and subjecting themselves to harsh chemicals.

OP posts:
reelingintheyears · 07/12/2011 22:18

Xmas Grin at usual!

barleycorn · 07/12/2011 22:18

I'm 35 and have had increasingly grey hair, mostly at the front for the last 5 or so years.

I've never dyed it, mostly because I can't be arsed and can't afford to have it done properly, but I have had plenty of comments about it.

People at work/I know socially have expressed disgust ( I don't think that's too strong a word to describe some of their reactions), but close friends seem to think it's cool. Have to say though, it's much easier to look incredibly frumpy with greying hair, more grooming effort is needed.

lubeybaublely · 07/12/2011 22:19

PPD is a big concern, but I do a careful and small patch test each time just in case.

I am 31 and I do dye my hair because of the smattering of greys I have, my hair is very dark brown so it's noticeable and I don't like them at all. I'll go grey when I'm ready and not before.

BerthaPappenheim · 07/12/2011 22:22

No, most of the feminists I know - and I've counted myself one since I was a teenager - wear make-up themselves. I do feel sad that the 'grooming' stuff I found daft and easy to resist in my 20s becomes increasingly part of my life in my 30s, and I can see it's only going to get worse. But I felt mousy and invisible with greying hair, and I feel like myself again, at least for the first 2/3 weeks after another expensive trip to the salon. It's sad, and surprising, that I seem to identify selfhood with hair-colour but apparently I do.

PacificDogwood · 07/12/2011 22:26

I do not de-hair myself in any way regularly
I do not wear make-up
I do not mind my facial lines
I do not mind things generally going South a bit

Well, I do mind all of the above, but they do not interfere with my sense of worth or even attractiveness.

My grey hairs however are extremely irksome - they bother me far more than any other ageing related change. It has been 6 months since my last dying session Shock, I am going to have it done tomorrow and I cannot wait Grin.

Yes, I think how much emphasis is placed on youthful = fertile = attractive is an awful thing and I do think it is a feminist issue . And I know a number of younger grey-haired women who are very well groomed indeed, have phantastic sharp haircuts and look just great.
But for me, it will be dye. Until I pluck up the courage to try out that LUSH Henna I have sitting here...

ElderberrySyrup · 07/12/2011 22:30

I once went to the hairdresser and nearly all the very youthful staff had grey hair.

It must have been that week's trendy hair colour. It looked bloody marvellous because they were all very well dressed and styled and of course it was an extra-flattering kind of grey.

pictish · 07/12/2011 22:33

Op you can look like Granny Toot before your time if you like! I don't want to.

It's not a feminist issue to me....it's am ageist one. We associate grey hair with being old. That's because generally people ARE a bit older when they go grey. Sometimes though, and as with me, some of us go grey at a younger age. I began to go grey when I was 26. I didn't want to look five years or more older than I was, because of it thank you! No need!

BerthaPappenheim · 07/12/2011 22:34

If you could dye it that lovely glassy white I would do that and wait for nature to catch up. But I can't face the iron-filings look while I wait a decade or two.

Traceymac2 · 07/12/2011 22:34

I do dye my hair from time to time, I also wear make up and like nice clothes, absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. I have long dark hair and a few greys at the front which have become more apparent since having my two dds made my hair fall out around my hairline. I dye it for me, not anyone else. I like to look as good as I can with the limited time I have these days. I am in my mid 30's but have always looked a few years younger and do not want to speed the ageing process up anymore than I have to. I don't see why I should have to leave my youth behind me just yet. As you say yourself, you don't need to dye yours so how can you really understand? As MayaAngel says PPD is another issue entirely.

TheBrandyButterflyEffect · 07/12/2011 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 07/12/2011 22:39

Why is the focus on what women do here?

I have read that research before and found it scary.

Similarly, I find it scary how many allergies are triggered by common components of perfume. And nail polish. And so on.

What makes me angry is that companies - big, rich companies, who in the middle of a recession are actually increasing their profits - do not seem to care about this.

If you want to be angry with someone, IMO you should be angry with the companies who say airily 'there's no demand for a different formula' - as if that's the only thing that matters.

Being angry with women who choose or don't choose to dye their hair is the wrong approach IMO.

missorinoco · 07/12/2011 22:42

I am struggling here with the fact that you have blonde/red hair and therefore aren't troubled by grey hair, but are telling those of us who do that we shouldn't dye our hair.

I dye my hair periodically because I want to. Not because I feel judged, or forced to, or because I feel society expects me to. Likewise I now wear make up because when I look in the mirror at work the sight of the bags under my eyes depresses me. Again, not because I have to, or because I am forced to.

On a contentious note, why is it acceptable for other women to tell us we shouldn't do something, whilst stating we shouldn't do it because they think society is telling to do it? I thought the point was it is my free choice.
OP, that question isn't personal or meant as a barb to you, you have just made me think.....

BerthaPappenheim · 07/12/2011 22:50

Missorinoco, the point is that our society and culture condition us to want and choose to do things that are not in our collective interest, although this may be achieved by rewarding individuals for those behaviours. So let's say, for example, that we live in a culture that likes women to be unable to run away, in pain, and unfit. That culture will value women who meet these criteria by wearing very high heels/binding their feet. That culture will demonstrate this value by giving women who conform to those conditions praise/money/status. It is then in the interest of individual women to disable themselves, temporarily or permanently, and they may reasonably choose to do so. This choice is not in the interest of women collectively, or in the interest of developing a culture that values women's comfort, health or fitness. So your 'individual choice' is the result of your wish to function in a dysfunctional society, which may reward you but does nothing to being about a functional society. Feminism, like most politics, seeks to put the collective good ahead of individual gratification.

neilyourbedroomsonfire · 07/12/2011 22:52

YABU. I have used hair dye since the age of 13. I have always loved how shiny it made my hair look and how nice it smelt.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 07/12/2011 22:52

I think OP is being a little unfair, saying other women should not dye although she doesn't need to anyway. I got my first grey hairs at 16. It was embarrassing. Have dyed it ever since - not always just to hide the grey but I discovered I like my hair being different colours. If I take after my mum I will never go glossy silver, she's in her sixties now and still "badger".

On a sort of related note, I struggled to answer a question from my six year old the other day "mum, why do ladies shave their legs and men don't? Dad's are much hairier than yours."

pictish · 07/12/2011 22:54

Ach...I dunno - I think if anything men get the bum deal on this one. They don't want to go grey any more than we do, but if they dye their hair they tend to be ridiculed.

BerthaPappenheim · 07/12/2011 22:59

Yes, the point is that the fact that we are rewarded for doing it doesn't make dyeing our hair good politics. The fact that we like the results is irrelevant.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 07/12/2011 22:59

I don't think men get the bum deal on that issue. Men with grey hair are usually seen as sexier than women with grey hair ('silver fox', etc.), and hair dye is fairly expensive, isn't it? Even if it is something you choose because you love it, the fact is, it's costing lots of people money they are only spending because they're gray, and wouldn't have bothered had they kept their colour.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 07/12/2011 23:01

Besides, I don't follow your logic pictish. So what if men suffer? I'd like to think a little more highly of all of us than that we'd conclude anything we did was ok so long as men suffered more, right?

ChickenLickn · 08/12/2011 13:46

We need to make the case that grey hair = wisdom or something positive along those lines first. Then everyone will want it. Grin

ChickenLickn · 08/12/2011 13:47

Young women dying their hair grey is an interesting step towards making it cool and acceptable for all. hmm. hurray.

BIWIshYouAMerryChristmas · 08/12/2011 13:51

I have been having my hair dyed for a number of years now (I'm 52 and increasingly white not grey!). I do feel that I have to. I work in an industry where you are judged for being old - and especially if you're an older woman. In men, grey hair is seen as tangible evidence of experience and wisdom.

And although I would love to take a stand against it, I won't. Because I need to earn money! I can't afford to lose a job to another researcher/agency simply because they are younger than me.

I also have to admit, however, that it's also a huge vanity on my part. When I leave it to grow out a little, it makes me look not just old, but also tired and washed out. And I don't like it a little bit.

stellarpunk · 08/12/2011 13:54

Wow! And yet another thread about a topic which doesn't directly concern them but the OP feels absolute surety on pontificating for the rest of us!

I have been going grey since 16. I am now 36 and am 70% grey. I am a natural dark brown.

I have in the past dyed attempted to go fully grey but it makes me feel like shit. Most of my friends who are my age do not have to dye all of their hair like I do.

I am now going blonde to make it easier to blend in.

But I am beginning to really resent people telling me what I should or shouldn't bloody do! Jesus!

Astronaut79 · 08/12/2011 13:56

I'm like Endo, I started dyeing my hair at 13 too. I didn't start going grey until I was 17, I just like having different colour hair. Now I just dye it brown because I don't want to be fully grey at 30 - especially as Dh (10 years older) only has 5 grey hairs. Ny mum too, is in her 60s and still has salt n pepper hair. My gran, on the other hand, was fully white in her 60s. I think If I could wake up and have a full head of one colour hair - not just dirty grey roots, I'd consider it. Brown hair does not age well.

Bramshott · 08/12/2011 14:10

Blimey - that's a scary article. I've been having blonde highlights for the past 15 years and never once had a patch test from any of the hairdressers I've been to!