Perfect Wife Syndrome

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Perfect Wife Syndrome

Sex on demand. Dinner on the table (or in front of the TV, if he prefers). Why, after decades of battling for equality, do some of Britain's most successful women put their man's needs first?

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2058421/Why-Britains-successful-woman-developed-Perfect-Wife-Syndrome.html

"A successful barrister from Manchester, she?s barely had time to eat since breakfast and longs to just collapse in front of the TV with a ready meal.
Instead, the moment she arrives home, she showers, changes into a pretty wrap‑dress and makes sure the wine is chilling and a casserole is bubbling in the oven before her husband James, 40, arrives home from the office.
If he wants sex later, she?ll happily comply. They won?t discuss her day. Instead, Caroline will listen supportively while James recounts the details of what he did at work."

Sounds a lot like Fascinating Womanhood to me!

I am shocked at that take in hand link

Yep Babyheave but there are people out there like that and if just completely depresses me. My MIL is one of those people.

It reminds of a conversation with my MIL that finished our relationship.
I happened to bring up that I had trouble finding work and thought partly that some of the issues were due to hidden discrimination by whom I was being interviewed by, because I had a young baby. I had expanded on this to cover the issues of equal pay, so she turns around to me and say...

"But why of earth would you want to be a director, why on earth would you want to be in the boardroom, you have to careful about women bosses, and why go on about equal pay - you have a baby now, Women don't need equal pay, it is men who need to be supported as the main breadwinners".

It just came right out and there was more. The weird thing is that she worked most of her life, in low paid jobs while her husband did earn loads of money.

This is the same person that, very insensitively left us brochures about infertility treatments - I think she really thought that because I came from a large family that I wanted lots of children. I didn't - my DH and I were together for decades before wanting children.

So that was it really, well that and she also is not welcoming to other cultures. So I decided there and then that I couldn't really have someone with that attitude around my child - it was just too negative. I'd given up my bed for her to stay and I suddenly realised that she had a pecking order and I was last on her list.

She was so delusional that although I was not earning at the time I realised that she did not consider the money that we used to be both mine and my DH's. As it happened a previous years bonus that I had achieved was paying for them also. So MIL thinks it is because we live in different countries, but she won't have much input into my child's life, which I know is severe.

We did try challenge her on her views but came to the point of not wanting to waste our energy with her.

The takeinhand link makes me feel sick in the stomach!

I came across Taken In Hand a while back, on another feminist forum. It is scary. I think it is an extreme BDSM thing rather than a general plan for life though.

Depressingly, there has been a bit of talk about the kind of Fascinating Womanhood stuff in that article. There was a piece by Fay Weldon somewhere that made my blood boil, claiming that women should absolutely not be subservient in the workplace, but should be at home. She even described doing someone's laundry as "mating behaviour". Barking.

I think if I turned all the finances over to DH, expected him to make all the decisions and prayed for him to make the 'right' ones, he'd run screaming for the hills...

The thing is, from a distance, this 'perfect housewife' thing can look very pretty and enticing. Nice dress & hair, beautiful home, nutritious and lovely food ready on the table... what it doesn't mention is the reality behind it - a lot of hard slogging and denial of self in order to service others. And if you work outside the home too... Jesus! It's a one-way ticket to a nervous breakdown, I'd have thought.

The thing that most frightens me about Taken In Hand is the way it blurs the line between dom-sub sex and everyday life. Its guiding principle is that the man masters the subservient woman in evey way. It's not a game for the bedroom; it's a lifestyle. Moreover, it presupposes no agreement on the woman's part. It is okay to train a woman, using whatever techniques work, to become 'interestingly' submissive. Strong women make more rewarding subjects, apparently.

If you take the bedroom bondage out of it, you're left with a philosophy that is indistinguishable from Fascinating Womanhood. (It's also a reasonably good manual for abusers.)

Luckily, neither TIH or FW are strong movements in the UK. But it is interesting - in a ghoulish sort of way - to look at abuse described from the "dominator's" point of view and to see how that's reflected in social pressures on women to submit, like the lawyer allegedly described in the Mail article.

Nice dress & hair, beautiful home, nutritious and lovely food ready on the table... ... best achieved by marshalling your independent resources and hiring someone who enjoys doing that stuff, imho!

Re that Taken in Hand Website - there is an article named "When rape is a gift" I'm not going to look at it anymore. It is awful awful awful.

I am lost for words.

Can I join you there and order room service, garlicBread? :o

.

The one thing that is clear from this garbage is that the women who do it totally lack any self respect whatever (or they are simply lazy cows who can't be arsed to make any decision for themselves and therefore cannot be held responsible for anything in their lives).

In other words, they have never grown up and remain for ever infants in women's bodies.

The child beating one was written with her husband. You can read the whole horrible thing here: www.achristianhome.org/to_train_up_a_child.htm

Highlights include the part where they whip a four month old because it is trying to climb the stairs It's been banned in a few countries and there was controversy a few months ago because Amazon UK continue to stock it despite the fact that the "method" is illegal here.

Oh and look at this fucking disturbingly cheerful book aimed at reducing child abuse in a victim-blaming manner. Words fail me. How can one person be so utterly screwed up.

I've seen taken in hand before. I don't have a problem with the principle of a sub/dom relationship, if the principle is that both parties go into it fully consenting and aware and can opt out at any time. This website goes massively against that though. TBH it reads like something written as fantasy. Out of proportion, arousing as an idea, but smooths over any potential issues which would occur in RL. Sickening to think that evidently some people take it seriously.

The "Rape is a gift" page I was brave enough to look at before. It just seems to play into the myth that "most women" have a rape fantasy and then proceeds to ignore that the "rape fantasy" most women have isn't actually about rape at all. Disgusting.

Oh great now i read the page as well. Don't. Some things cannot be unseen.

that's disgusting about whipping a baby ffs. i will not read the link I will cuddle my 2 month old instead

it's interesting that the DM calls it Perfect Wife Syndrome . A syndrome is when something goes wrong, a 'malfunction' if you like - poor old DM accepting it's wrong even while promoting it. Ha! Fail.

Surly feminism is about allowing women the freedom of choice, if i choose to cook for my husband doesnt mean i lack any self respect. I think there are cases where women are treated unfairly by their husbands but just because i enjoying baking and making sure my house looks nice and my husband is happy doesn't make me oppressed or pathetic.

Its my choice to do these things and likewise its other womens choice to not do them.

Funnyface I don't think anyone is saying that. Being an emancipated woman who demands equality and respect doesn't mean you refuse to cook or clean. These are all tasks that need doing.

Most feminists believe that it comes down to equality and a balance of power.

So, for example, it doesn't have to be the case that men do 50% of the cooking for the relationship to be fair. Instead, it could be that the woman does 100% of the cooking but the man does a variety of other tasks to reciprocate, for example.

Other feminists, myself included, believe that the role of SAHM is to be celebrated and that there is nothing wrong with choosing to give up a career and focus on family and home. Women who do this are performing an important social function and feminism should seek to elevate the status of traditionally female activities, rather than denigrating them and trying to get all women away from their children and out into the workforce (and I say this as a working mother). A SAHM is in every way her working DH's equal and he could not do his job without his DW performing her role, which makes her invaluable.

What is so wrong with the surrendered wife/fascinating womanhood type scenarios is the vastly unequal balance of power. In that scenario, men clearly are considered superior, and that' just wrong.

I agree with sunshine. There is a world of difference between 2 adults making a joint decision about the division of labour in the household, and the FW pov which is that women should serve men, and if they don't do a proper job of it then, well they are just OPEN to abuse and their husband going off to shag someone else.

The big issue to me is the status given to roles traditionally performed by women -ie SAHM = nothing. Xenia comes along and says we should tell our daughters all to become doctors rather than nurses. What is wrong with nurses? We NEED nurses. The problem is that they are undervalued by society and paid shit wages. Because they are mostly women. We need people to clean and care for our children/elderly relatives/the sick and less abled. The people who do this should be treated with the greatest respect.

Yes, that... ///\

This Fascinating Woman thing feels like The Rules re-packaged and re-marketed for when you've 'got' your man and are married. Still confirming to someone else's 'perfect' template and denying the real you.

And I have to say, they're playing fast and loose with the word 'fascinating'. When I think of a fascinating woman, this is not what's coming into my head; in fact it's exactly the opposite.

Again, no reflection on the role these women are playing (I'm a SAHM), rather the way they're playing it.

*conforming

Sunshine & Porto are right.

In many ways Xenia is right, her brand of feminism is very individualistic, (whereas I see it as more of a social justice thing, I suspect I'm not alone) - 'Be a doctor' is very good advice for the individual. On a societal level it would be much better to raise the status of nursing/sahming/ other caring roles, rather than awarding high status to footballers/bankers etc. I do think doctors deserve their high status, btw.

yes I know the arguments about talent and risk and all the rest of it, but that does not detract form the fact that if society valued caring and kindness etc we'd be a lot better off.

A very good friend came up with the same theory, as I think, fascinating wife: that if its not working, you the woman must try harder.

She had two v young children, pnd, oh and an extra arsehole namely her husband. Accordng to him pnd was made up by midwives and female doctors, coz they are all wimmin. And she was a crap mum, crap wife etc..

It seemed like some screwed up coping mechanism. A framework to justify putting up with the abuse.

I found it interesting in Cuba where salaries are more "equal" that people aspired more to a job in the tourist industry where they have easy access to dollars, than they did to becoming a doctor/teacher for example. So at the end of the day people are still thinking where the money is.

Taken in Hand = so scary!! What sort of crazy woman would want to get involved in that? Even if you agreed to try it - how would you ever get out if you are subservient and have no say?

Ha! There's no way she cooked a casserole after work in the oven, slow cooker maybe, or did she buy it from M and S?