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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Wellbeing Thread - who's in?

543 replies

AnonWasAWoman · 01/11/2011 13:29

This is a sort of ?gap in the market? thread really, forgive the rotten title. I was thinking about women and wellbeing and a possible feminist slant on what I feel the beauty industry has colonised.

If I try to find a threads, or a magazine articles, about women?s wellbeing and health I can guarantee half of them will be written in what comes across to me as doublethink: ?you need to feel good about your body, so first you must wage war upon it for a woman?s body is naturally hideously ugly!?. This just makes me sad. So do diluted versions ? the kind of discussions or groups where participants begin with a focus on health, but gradually shift to ?what can you do to look good?, which ? well, just makes me feel ugly if I don?t do those things (And, ah, angry that some people think women should have to!).

It really worries me how, as women, health and beauty are constantly conflated, and there?s an ever-increasing list of treatments that begin as luxurious pampering, then quickly come to be essential ?maintenance? or even basic ?hygiene?. It?s taken that a sign of healthy self-confidence and body confidence is to buy into these ideas about what to do with our time and money and bodies. I?m sure there?s a spectrum of views among feminists as to what we feel is right for us and what?s not, and I don?t want to get into that because I think it?s the least interesting bit of the debate. So I?m not trying to start yet another ?do you wax your fanjo fur? thread ? interesting as they are ?!

I am sure there is a way to resist gendered body care/products without in any way denigrating or ignoring the female body. I bet some of you are brilliant at this and the Resisting Femininity threads were great for showing me the way. But I also want to replace the things I?m resisting, not just get rid of all focus on my body. My mum can as close as can be to this ? everything ?gendered? for women?s bodies, from women?s anti-perspirant, to shaving equipment, to perfume and cosmetics, came under the same heading of ?disgusting things?. In retrospect I find this quite disturbing and not remotely feminist. I am sure I would have been a happier and better-adjusted teenager if I?d not had to sneak off to buy deodorant and nick my dad?s used disposables (I didn?t know any better). If as an adult woman I want to do without any of this stuff, that?s fine ? but I certainly don?t want to feel it?s the only option, or that being a feminist has to mean focusing on the mind and forgetting about the body.

So what I would like to do is to try to hammer out a sense of what you do (if anything) to replace or contrast with what we?re offered by society in terms of caring for your body. So I thought maybe it?d be nice to have a sort of wellbeing thread on here, where we can do all the healthy stuff you hope for on a ?diet? thread (and don?t IME get), and we can do all the ?taking time for myself? stuff that the beauty industry has colonised and distorted, but we can also maybe chat about how to feel better about our bodies, instead of how to make them look better.

So, here?s my list (some, obviously, drawn from a certain S&B thread!). They?re what I?ll hope to do, not what I promise to do! Grin

  • I?m going to try to go for a walk at least twice a week, even if it?s just half an hour. And I?m going to take my camera so I don?t end up thinking about work the whole time!
  • I?m going to try to eat two different kinds of fruit/veg (I get stuck on apples galore)
  • I?ll try to cut my coffee intake
  • I?ll try to take 15 minutes before I go to bed to think about something that is not work, or chatting on MN (!), or planning food shopping or whatever
  • I?m going to try to make proper breakfast every day
  • Go to bed early one night per week
  • Ration my (awful) snickers habit! I have eaten three snickers ice-cream bars this morning and it is Not good.
  • (You can laugh here) I?m going to do some pelvic floor exercises every week ? I always forget and I imagine I?ll be glad of them later on!

Please add in suggestions if you have them or say if you think I ought to change my mind about any of these.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/12/2011 23:01

Oh, yes, I am angry too. But also I think the images and so on are hitting me a bit more now.

Those images and quotations were just so obviously and aggressively intended to hurt women - especially the quotations from that pornographer - it feels like some kind of onslaught, which then seems kind of rude of me to say when I'm only an onlooker.

I know what you mean about the tough ones being the hidden ones (and, erm, I certainly nowe abotu the self-medicating). You are right, it's all part of a basically healthy progress towards understanding more and feeling more in control of my body and how I feel about it. Smile

TheButterflyEffect · 06/12/2011 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/12/2011 23:28

You are right, and you are saying very helpful things (and very tactfully making me aware I am being self-centered about this). It was certainly sad before I knew about it.

I hope we can help. One thing I did feel bad about was when someone said 'so what do you do' to me, meaning, which activist group do you belong to. So maybe the answer is I need to stop thinking and get doing!

TheButterflyEffect · 06/12/2011 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/12/2011 23:36

Well, I appreciated what you said and how you said it, anyway.

I am excited about what's happening with Scotland - it does sound as if lots could change quite fast with all this interest from different people.

You'll have to march into England/Wales with the changes for the rest of us, though!

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 07/12/2011 10:14

i am sat in a circle of christmas presents for ds willing myself to start wrapping them Smile it's actually rather nice. i have a pot grown christmas tree being delivered today along with a load of new decorations to celebrate my unexpected tax rebate (£600 from 2005/6! woohoo!).

i think i'm going to make an effort this year. i'm not usually much of a decorator or fuss maker but i'm excited about having a real tree for the first time.

as i've been discussing elsewhere for those who've seen i'm going to use this season to celebrate what means things for me. i'm big into reclaiming festivals in ways that work for me and i can really 'use' in terms of my wellbeing, spirituality, growth, moving on etc.

how is everyone feeling about christmas?

sorry if it's too soon to talk about it Smile

LRDtheFeministDragon · 07/12/2011 10:44

Oh, that sounds lovely!

It's not too early for me, I was on the mad enthusiast Christmas threads from about October. Blush

I love the smell of real Christmas trees. We buy the candles that are meant to smell of pine needles and they're nice but not the same. I was ill last year and didn't get to buy one in time (do you remember, it was really snowy around Christmas?). So I'm looking forward to it this year.

I love the idea of reclaiming festivals. The way my parents do Christmas is for my mum (whose birthday is Christmas day, which makes it worse) to get very stressed, buy food in epic proportions and involving lots of trips to out-of-the-way places, cook the same important things every year for about four or five madly hectic hours with me and usually DH and/or my younger brother helping ... then sit down in a wave of happy stress.

She likes it but it is so, so tiring! And my dad's contribution is usually to object that he doesn't like candles and ask can she remind him how to lay a table again.

The first year I was with my DH I was so tired and stressed after three days of meals that had to be made by rushing around the kitchen making a huge mess, I just lost it and decided never again. So now DH and I do Christmas on our own, and my mum has cottoned on that she can actually take a minute to celebrate her own birthday without feeling she has to be working 24/7 to provide everyone else with a picture-perfect Christmas.

What we do is take an opportunity for a very quiet day and we do all the decorating together and light lots of candles. We're basically incredibly lazy all day, it's brilliant. But I am quite childish and I love, love, love sitting looking at a tree all decorated and feeling Christmassy so I am happy. And we don't have a big meal, because it's not DH's Christmas day (that's 7th January) so he's still fasting for advent, so we have lots of fish and rye bread and eel and things like that (if you don't like fish you would be revolted by what we eat. Grin).

I think it's the quietness and feeling we don't have to cook that is key for me - so, so much better to just accept that every year doesn't have to be a huge performance of too much food and too much wine.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 07/12/2011 14:21

i love fish - loathe turkey Smile

our day ends up pretty hectic. my sister likes to do breakfast and her kids presents, plus what she has brought for the rest of us at her house. then my mum likes to do afternoon dinner and unwrapping all of the presents she has bought at her house. christmas eve is down to me at my house. too much in to short a space of time really.

ds and i will get up and open his stocking stuff upstairs then come down and open presents under the tree. we then have next to no time to chill or anything because we have to get ready and get to my sister's house. i can't miss that bit as i really like it - it's the bit at my mum's that is stressful and over fussed and ends up just really dragging. not to mention having to tolerate how my mum and dad speak to each other and the level of fussing and bickering they bring to the simplest of tasks.

i need to rethink a balance but i really have no idea how.

yours sounds lovey lrd.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 07/12/2011 14:23

maybe i should give everyone their presents at mine on christmas eve? not sure about ds opening on christmas eve though... maybe just a couple.

on christmas day i get a gap between my sisters and my mum's when we get a couple of hours maybe to ourselves. might be best if ds opens the rest of his presents then so we can properly chill and enjoy being at home rather than him just being focussed on getting to grannies for more presents.

bleurgh to all the materialism. wish there was some way to opt out but it is so difficult with family around.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 07/12/2011 14:33

Some cultures celebrate more on Christmas Eve, don't they? My SIL is German and it's the big day for them.

There is something nice about having some time when you're not rushing around and he can actually appreciate the presents instead of getting caught up in the rush of ripping paper off the whole pile, I agree.

Can you push dinner an hour later to give a bit more time, or is it not an option?

I think Christmas inevitably has hectic bits - ours gets hectic when we go up to mum's on Boxing Day and thereafter. The impression of peace and calm shatters pretty fast! Grin

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 07/12/2011 18:31

the french do too.

yule was all about peace - in the build up to it people had been having utterly quiet lives, there was no work to be done, the days were short, lots of in home gathered around the fire. it was a time of a deep inward journey spiritually speaking and then yule marked the turning point where it was no longer getting darker but light was on it's way back, activity was on it's way back etc.

very different and in fact the antithesis of our 'advent' period of rushing around like twats spending a fortune and working our arses off preparing.

not very relevant really but yeah, i think the spiritual element (as in a true human experience and metamorphosis if you like) has been utterly lost and in fact kind of destroyed. i think original festivals reflected a human need and a reflection of nature and it's impact upon us.

i've ordered books for the kids and my sister today and am most of the way there with my parents presents so i'm hoping to get it all done and dusted and hidden away leaving time for the peace and quiet of darkness before the day.

TheRealTillyMinto · 08/12/2011 19:49

It is good to read what you said about yule, Santa (its not often you can say that!) I find the commercialism of Christmas really off putting. We seem to get given a load of stuff we dont need and buy gifts for people who dont really need anything. Dp and i dont do sizable gifts for each other.

unfortunately I am now about to hit Oxford street! Wish me luck...

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 08/12/2011 20:34

oh god! may the force be with you thereal and rather you than me! Smile

LRDtheFeministDragon · 09/12/2011 10:07

Hope Oxford Street was not too exhausting tilly ... I can imagine you might be sitting in a darkened room about now!

santa - that description makes a lot of sense to me. I think it's a good time to be a bit quiet and at least try to resist the mad whirl (though that is fun in moderation).

comrade - hope you are doing ok. I expect you're all in the thick of moving and so on, but I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and hoping it's all going ok. Take care of yourself. Smile

I'm off to Cambridge today with DH to do some shopping for my mum and his ... it will be lovely, I lived there for a while and really miss it. I'm hoping it'll get me in a Christmassy mood!

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 09/12/2011 12:26

good luck lrd - hope it's not too crowded.

i think i did the last of my christmas shopping today! Shock there are a few bits and pieces still to dribble in from online orders made this week but i honestly think it's all done. incredible. i'm about to have a wrapping burst of the bits bought today and will be wrapping the other bits and pieces as they come in but i feel really on top of everything now.

trying to motivate myself to decorate the tree. i got a full refund for it because it was in a shitty state upon delivery which is a bonus though it does mean i have a fairly naff tree - but what the heck - it's rustic.

ot sure if i mentioned i'm going through meds changes and struggling a bit at the minute. it means i have to be seriously shit hot on the wellbeing and self care stuff. i'm all stocked on herbal relaxants and the like but i really do need to make a schedule i think to make sure i'm getting 'good for me' stuff into every day. very easy to forget.

TheRealTillyMinto · 17/12/2011 18:46

ok completed christmas shopping. 2 bike trips & 2 after work G&T fuelled shopping trips....a slight shock at the till when you realise the alcohol does somewhat take your eyes off the price....

managed a run this week and a pilates class. i have bought "delusions of gender" which if i read it will be the....errrm......first book i have read this....decade....yes.....decade.

feminist wellbeing at Christmas: christmas seems to involve so much wifework. i am v think skinned & leave DP to sort out his family's gifts/cards & sometimes he does not do it & much as i feel a little embarrassed when we meet them, it soon passes Xmas Grin & i hold the line.

final run of the year this week! i was reading the thread about the rape warning text messages. it contrasts with being alone running in the countryside & not fealing at all vulnerable.

i hope everyone's wellbeing is going well - bring on the daylight as the days start to become longer!

Onemorning · 17/12/2011 20:22

Hello everyone

I can't believe I haven't been on this thread for nearly 2 months - eek!

So much has happened. I put my back out badly (2 weeks off work, drugs, osteopath) so that nixed the gym. However, I've since had 2 nights out dancing so I'm going to dump the gym (which I hate) and start doing something I love like dancing or kick boxing.

I have dumped the crappy job at the dysfunctional company I work at. For the first time ever I told them I was leaving in four weeks (three if you count annual leave) and not two months as per my contract. They were a bit shocked, but have accepted it. I start my new job in January - it's better paid and with more responsibility.

I'm also still doing the OU and confused about IVF.

But the major thing is I've decided to study full time, starting September. I've nearly finished my UCAS application, and am sure I will receive at least one offer. My husband (who has been unemployed for a while) will also be studying at a differerent university.

I don't think I've felt this good about myself for years, despite my weight and eating issues.

Tilly I know what you mean about wifework - I chivvy my DH along about cards and presents but need to stop. I used to do all the Xmas shopping for my XH's friends and family - reason 1 million why he is my XH.

TheRealTillyMinto · 20/01/2012 20:14

its a new year......we still need wellbeing.....& we still need feminism....

so is anyone still up for more feminist wellbeing?

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