Have ordered Wifework....slightly concerned about the after effects

[TheProvincialLady]

I hadn't encountered Wifework before lurking on the feminist boards, but it sounds so interesting that I have just ordered it from Amazon and I'm really looking forward to reading it. But at the same time a little concerned about what I will actually DO with the enhanced knowledge that I am a Wife.

I willingly gave up work when I had the DC. We both discussed this and it was what I had always thought would be the best thing for the children. 5 years later, we have two children and I work a few hours a week (and really enjoy it). But I am now basically responsible for all the housework, all of the time. And getting the children ready. My husband does help, but he is not responsible and I'm not sure how this happened. It affects my choice of job but not his, the hours I work but not his, etc. Before children I still did more housework - partly because our standards are somewhat different - but also because he was raised to do nothing in the way of housework and has an underlying belief that it gets done anyway.

Anyway, a slight resentment of all this has been bubbling under the surface for some years now I suppose, and now it is all about to come to a head when I read Wifework. As the children get older I want to work more hours outside the home and so DH and I will be more equal in that respect, and I can foresee a battle over the housework and the children. So how can I approach this in a constructive way?

I posted this on the feminist board because I value your opinions and would be interested in any theoretical stuff as well as practical advice. Thanks.

jellybeans, did you think you were the Queen of Sheba, or something?

i can't imagine you were brought up to be that selfish. many people are brought up by parents who do a lot for them etc without turning out that selfish and manipulative tbh. sorry - but i don't think you are a 'general' case that can be extrapolated from.

jelly, I think you misread my post. I didn't comment on whether I was brought up like this because I was a woman or not.

My point was, I wasn't brought up to be a lazy slob.

saf - I think I am the general case. If any of these men you are talking about on here have been brought up to do stuff themselves and did loads of housework as a child I would collapse in shock. This starts somewhere and it is very, very common.

i don't think it's common to the point of deliberately, consciously trying to get everyone to do everything for you to the point that they end up having to live in squalor out of desperation to get you to do anything for yourself whilst you smugly sit back and think they'll crack.

that's beyond normal levels i'm thinking.

oh i see. it's your mum's fault you were a selfish slob.

I can never understand men that can't do simple tasks like housework. The mind boggles

Yes I think the probelm with that, is that it assumes that none of us can learn as adults.

Both my brothers were brought up by exactly the sort of mother jellybean describes. But both of them decided they didn't want to be infantilised pricks and they learned how to fend for themselves.

No-one's kicking off at you jellybeans.

Just discussing your arguments.

I agree with some of them as it happens. I just don't think it's a feminist analysis of the politics of housework so although it's interesting, it doesn't really add much to a feminist understanding of this problem.

I don't want to live with someone with whom i need to get in to a who can stick more squalour pissing contest

What kind of ultimate bastard does that? i can't think of a clearer way to express contempt for someone than to act like that

God help you if you leave him though - he's such a nice man, and she left him over nothing, marriage doesn't mean what it used to etc

It is really unhelpful to suggest that it is my job to outwait him, or put up with disgusting conditions in the hope he will crack, or that it is my fault somehow because i didn't set the right tone from the off

I mean ffs if i moved in with someone and they cooked me tea i would not then think ha ha sucker i'm never cooking again, you should never have done that

rather than questioning why individual women put up with this we might well ask hard ass questions like why is there such an unbelievable bounty of men who act like this? why does our wider culture reinforce these shitty attitudes

I have been in a relationship like this when i was much younger, and i remember trying to outwait him on the bins as our small flat filled up and stank with waste. It sucked ASS.

basically i am pig sick of some shitty male behaviour always being some woman's fault, his mother for not training him, his wife for not setting the bar high enough/putting up with it

what kind of mega asshole does things because they know someone will put up with it?

Herebe "I think that once you've been single with children and learned how good life without wifework is, it would be very difficult to go back and accept it"

Could you clarify this please. I'm afraid I haven't read this book. I don't think DH does his fair share of household management tasks but at the same time he doesn't seem to make any extra work. We recently had several months time where he lived in a different town and I noticed a significant reduction in my resting time when he wasn't around because I had to do what he would normally do. My workload wasn't doubled (hence my interest in this thread) but it definitely increased.

My mother is exactly the same Jellybeans.

Not sure how you want me to clarify Sommewhere. I suppose I didn't want to over personalise the thread and make it all about me me me, but I just know that I could never live with the level of disrespect implied by an uneven distribution of housework and leisure time, so there is no way in the world I could live with a man who didn't pull his weight.

I accept that other women can live with it though, because there are other benefits that they get.

Have I mentioned that I love you Chibi?

By benefits, I mean love, sex, social status, place in the world, lack of fear etc. Women are conditioned to see housework as so trivial that it's not even worth discussing, let alone making it a dealbreaker. So I don't blame women for putting up with a man who doesn't pull his weight, many feel that's what men are like, it's just part of the deal. Cognitive dissonance again.

my dh injured himself recently such that i had to do everything for 2 weeks, with no practical help at all- we have 2 under 4yo and he couldn't take care of them without me being there to step in if needed

he then has been gradually working up to doing stuff again, maybe now at 30% of what he used to do, but improving

i was on my knees exhausted for those two weeks; it boggles my mind that this ia how many women live. despite myself it was still enervating/frustrating to be so knackered and have him on the sofa, but i could cope because i knew that once he regained mobility things could go back to normal

If i knew he could help but just didn't give a damn i don't know what i'd do

Like i said, i was in a relationship like this but it was prekids, it must be bloody soul destroying to have this be your reality when there are kids too

Gah. I haven't been this angry since this am when strauss kahn said he made a regrettable error. I may have blown a lobe.

That helps. I thought you meant how good life was as a single parent on a practical level rather than on an psychological level.