Have ordered Wifework....slightly concerned about the after effects

[TheProvincialLady]

I hadn't encountered Wifework before lurking on the feminist boards, but it sounds so interesting that I have just ordered it from Amazon and I'm really looking forward to reading it. But at the same time a little concerned about what I will actually DO with the enhanced knowledge that I am a Wife.

I willingly gave up work when I had the DC. We both discussed this and it was what I had always thought would be the best thing for the children. 5 years later, we have two children and I work a few hours a week (and really enjoy it). But I am now basically responsible for all the housework, all of the time. And getting the children ready. My husband does help, but he is not responsible and I'm not sure how this happened. It affects my choice of job but not his, the hours I work but not his, etc. Before children I still did more housework - partly because our standards are somewhat different - but also because he was raised to do nothing in the way of housework and has an underlying belief that it gets done anyway.

Anyway, a slight resentment of all this has been bubbling under the surface for some years now I suppose, and now it is all about to come to a head when I read Wifework. As the children get older I want to work more hours outside the home and so DH and I will be more equal in that respect, and I can foresee a battle over the housework and the children. So how can I approach this in a constructive way?

I posted this on the feminist board because I value your opinions and would be interested in any theoretical stuff as well as practical advice. Thanks.

Chibi, if it's any consolation, I think my DH has a tendency to wait and see if someone else will take responsibility because of his Dad.

By which I mean he has a father who was too ready to jump in and do things for his children when they were growing up. (As opposed to a poor role model father who made/allowed his wife to wait on him hand and foot)

Ha ha i can't stay away

the other thing making me angry is that i feel lucky that my dh is an equal partner and i am not in some wifework hell

why should that make me lucky? why isn't that par for the course?

does that make sense? on some level resistant to my powers of feminist analysis the fact that he isn't an entitled dick feels like a bonus

that is so crap

I would put money on the fact that these entitled dicks don't act like this with more senior people at work

i would pretty much guarantee that they can remember their responsibilities and carry them out to a satisfactory level in a time frame

This whole business of well that's how he was raised is crappola

Don't sell yourself short, managers are managed themselves, there would still be guidelines to follow :)

If any of these men you are talking about on here have been brought up to do stuff themselves and did loads of housework as a child I would collapse in shock

My DP was brought up to do his full fair share of housework from a very young age as his mum was on her own and working all hours. He lived on his own for years before we got together and decided that actually he was perfectly happy living in a pigsty. His flat once got so bad that a pile of his mates turned up there one saturday morning with cleaning materials and sorted it all out around him - these were not female mates, these were big hairy biker men. He's loads better than he used to be but if it came to it, I know he would win the 'who can stick more squalour pissing contest' hands down and I'm not prepared to go there.

Why do I stay with him? In the 26 years I've known him (13 living together) I've had no other complaints at all. He's actually great at the emotional stuff - he will create space and time to talk about stuff (and make the teas), he will offer the olive branch if we fall out (very rare). I won't go on about how lovely he is because you'll all want to puke, but as HereBe says, there are lots of other benefits in this case. I knew he was a domestic pig way before we got together - that sort of makes it easier to not take it personally because he absolutely doesn't expect me to do it either - it would just genuinely not bother him to live in filth.

so guess what? it's all women's fault again.

some people are brought up by abusers and yet don't go on to be an abuser.

adults have responsibility for themselves.

I am "lucky" in that DH is very hands on at home. In fact he has a much lower tolerance for mess than me, and would clean rather than wait for me to get round to it. I guess it also helps that we have always both worked FT - apart from my ML - so we have always seen housework/general maintenance as a joint thing. He does his own ironing. I put this down to the many years he spent at sea in his youth - there weren't lots of women there to clean up after the menz, they were responsible for themselves.

He tends to mow the lawn, sort the garden, put the bins out, whilst I mainly shop and cook - though he can cook and will knock up a lovely roast dinner, or some Nigella recipe from time to time.

What he DOESN'T do is get involved with DD's "needs". He will play with her, yes. Take her swimming, yes. Take her out on a Sunday so I can chill on the sofa (very occasionally), yes. But he never gives a moment's thought to all the "stuff" that goes with having a child. I do all forms, I do the school run, check homework, check that she has eaten a reasonably balanced quantity of food. I research out of school activities and mostly take her to them. I organise playdates, Brownies, buy all her clothes, think that she has spent too much time watching tv at the weekend and drag us out for a walk or trip to the park. Such things aren't even on his radar.

I could go away for the weekend and come back to a spotless house, but dd would have sat in front of the tv and ate crap. She would be fine, but I tend not to leave her too often all the same.

DH went to the US for 2 weeks for work a year or so ago. I missed him (and the fact that I had to do bedtime every night) but generally it was much more relaxing. Once dd was sorted and in bed I never had to think of anyone but myself. It was quite nice actually. I do know this is not the same as living as SP permanently though.

Yes, I was a LP for a few years when the DC were little and it was easier in lots of ways - hard work, not much money, but just simpler and more straightforward.

You could jb, because you'd have to. You just don't have a choice.

And there's something about having done it for years, that gives you (or me at any rate) an immense sense of pride, achievement and confidence. Knowing that I've done it on my own and I'm doing a good job, is an immense confidence booster and so it makes the job easier. It's a virtuous circle.

To me it would be mainly a money issue, rather than a practical one I think.

You could if you had to. I was terrified at first but it was brilliant realising I could keep on top of everything. It's character-forming

oh dear I keep reading your name as pube gardens, that's wrong isn't it?

I should say logistical actually as money has BIG practical implications.

Bwahahahaha

Where is OP btw....?