Have ordered Wifework....slightly concerned about the after effects

[TheProvincialLady]

I hadn't encountered Wifework before lurking on the feminist boards, but it sounds so interesting that I have just ordered it from Amazon and I'm really looking forward to reading it. But at the same time a little concerned about what I will actually DO with the enhanced knowledge that I am a Wife.

I willingly gave up work when I had the DC. We both discussed this and it was what I had always thought would be the best thing for the children. 5 years later, we have two children and I work a few hours a week (and really enjoy it). But I am now basically responsible for all the housework, all of the time. And getting the children ready. My husband does help, but he is not responsible and I'm not sure how this happened. It affects my choice of job but not his, the hours I work but not his, etc. Before children I still did more housework - partly because our standards are somewhat different - but also because he was raised to do nothing in the way of housework and has an underlying belief that it gets done anyway.

Anyway, a slight resentment of all this has been bubbling under the surface for some years now I suppose, and now it is all about to come to a head when I read Wifework. As the children get older I want to work more hours outside the home and so DH and I will be more equal in that respect, and I can foresee a battle over the housework and the children. So how can I approach this in a constructive way?

I posted this on the feminist board because I value your opinions and would be interested in any theoretical stuff as well as practical advice. Thanks.

her heart wasn't in it - too distracted by the kids at home and having to rush home on the dot of 6 to let the nanny go and get dinner on

She was minister for women and equalities from 2007-2010, Edd.

Theresa May has been Home Sec for over a year now and still hasn't ended crime in the UK. These useless women politicians!

Yep, I was imagining her wearing her knickers over her tights when I read edd's post

Ah three years then. Sorry about that

I think we need a whole new thread for Masculinism, what it means and whether it's the complement to Feminism or just Patriarchy in sheep's clothing!

does wifework go ;like this

me - ill with huge cold
dh cooking curried chicken - comes into me holding spice jar asking whether what he was holding was curry powder

at which point i exasperatedly said " oh for fucks sake dh, i have sinutisus, how the fuck am i meant to smell whether its curry powder, you're a fucking grown up, use your judgement"

any way - it was curry

BIWI - I'm not alone in having a high-flying career but wanting to do the majority of childcare myself. I don't want to pay someone to look after my kids. I want to look after the house. This makes me financially dependent on DH, but I'm under no illusion that our arrangement is in a political vacuum hence my interest in the book - I want to pre-empt any issues.

So... "men's rights" (and lmao @ that phrase) are actually all about doing stuff to women/making women do stuff, then? From the examples edd has given, at any rate. More about addressing perceived 'injustices' than any actual additional rights being granted to men? (I use the inverted commas there because I'm not sure that women aren't already given much harsher sentences for murder purely because women aren't supposed to act that way and rights are a very nebulous concept in the first place - blame DH and his philosophy degree for that one!)

I would have expected to hear something more along the lines of what LRD/Moondog have been talking about, of how society still expects/pressures a man to be the breadwinner (and childcare/housework is undervalued/seen as 'women's work' and therefore not worth as much as something you can put a monetary value?) and still to a large degree stereotypes men as being rather simple creatures without emotional range.

Someone mentioned earlier up about dividing jobs. I think that works best rather than expecting the other person to remember to help. It also allows the other person to own that task. I did our tax returns. He took the children to the dentist for 17 years and I didn't once. I organised school bags and did the girls' hair, he did 100% of washing etc etc. The secret is divide it fairly and not on gender lines and secondly never ever do what the other person leaves undone. If he is a dirty lazy so and so ensure his jobs are the ones that he will notice and need doing like buying food. You can't leave that undone or you starve.

The main reason people in the West get together is because they are in love. But on a more practical level being in a relationship is supposed to make life easier for both partners. Sometimes it creates extra work but it should be easier in other ways by way of compensation (e.g. less money worries, emotional support).

A partnership means equality - equal rights and equal responsibilities, some of which will be negotiable. That doesn't mean a 50/50 split of all domestic tasks, but a 50/50 split of overall responsibilities. It's perfectly ok for a woman to follow a traditional path of wife and mother if that's what she wants and her partner is pulling his 50% in other ways.

What Wifework does is show how there are a myriad of unseen tasks that women do for men which mean that many many women are doing way more than their fair share, even though they may not be aware of it because their partners do contribute in other ways (just not to the same level when you factor it all in).

It doesn't mean women all over the country are being taken advantage of (though many are). In most cases it simply means that neither partner has properly examined just how much they contribute to a relationship and whether the balance is fair. One of the main reasons for this is that it's simply viewed as normal and therefore doesn't need to be questioned.

What is wrong with looking beyond that? Surely a decent person would want to ensure that things are fair and that no one is being taken advantage of. There are men as well as women who have had their eyes opened by Wifework and changed their behaviour as a result - usually with hugely favourable effects on their marriage.

whilst ia gree and have adopted that principle xenia

why am i always the harriden harpy nag about the bins being taken out each week? thats his job, he agreed to it - but he never remembers.

sorry, something swallowed a chunk of text there - should read 'act that way and besides, I find that rights are a very nebulous concept in the first place - but I blame DH and his philosphy degree for introducing that one to me!'

exactly. but he doesn't care

lovecat I made that post from memory. I think I briefly read a wikipedia article or something, I havn't fully researched it

Because he's taken on the chore but not the responsibility, Custardo?

exactly!

he has mot taken ownership of the responsability.

Harmasn?
God she is/was useless.

I hear the Labour conference will have a meeting/conference about equality.
Only women allowed of course.

Is there an equivalent HusbandWork, I wonder? I never remember car stuff for eg, DH checks tyres etc.

Or is it that men's work is more likely to be recognised and not fly under the radar? And perhaps tyre checking needs doing twice a year rather than constantly.

The issue of the other person not doing the task... so on the bins just don't think of bins, don't mention them, don't nag. If he doesn't deal with them just leave it. It may be you have 4 months of rubbish piled up but it's not your issue, it's his. He'll have to remember eventually.

yes. you'd think wouldn't you?