Have ordered Wifework....slightly concerned about the after effects

[TheProvincialLady]

I hadn't encountered Wifework before lurking on the feminist boards, but it sounds so interesting that I have just ordered it from Amazon and I'm really looking forward to reading it. But at the same time a little concerned about what I will actually DO with the enhanced knowledge that I am a Wife.

I willingly gave up work when I had the DC. We both discussed this and it was what I had always thought would be the best thing for the children. 5 years later, we have two children and I work a few hours a week (and really enjoy it). But I am now basically responsible for all the housework, all of the time. And getting the children ready. My husband does help, but he is not responsible and I'm not sure how this happened. It affects my choice of job but not his, the hours I work but not his, etc. Before children I still did more housework - partly because our standards are somewhat different - but also because he was raised to do nothing in the way of housework and has an underlying belief that it gets done anyway.

Anyway, a slight resentment of all this has been bubbling under the surface for some years now I suppose, and now it is all about to come to a head when I read Wifework. As the children get older I want to work more hours outside the home and so DH and I will be more equal in that respect, and I can foresee a battle over the housework and the children. So how can I approach this in a constructive way?

I posted this on the feminist board because I value your opinions and would be interested in any theoretical stuff as well as practical advice. Thanks.

Have also ordered it in preparation for being a SAHM, I'm hoping it's a celebration of a woman's work in the home and not something that will make me resent it! I'm quite lazy but am looking forward to 'playing' at being a wife I think. Caveat - have been together 10 years, I currently earn more than DH, we divvy up chores fairly evenly.

I agree with the poster who said it's more likely in a couple to decide that it's the woman who remains at home looking after the baby because of breastfeeding, and also because of childbirth itself. The baby will have been in my tummy for 9 months - I've been reading about the usefulness of thinking of a child's first 3 months as a '4th trimester'. It seems sensible to be the parent who remains close at hand for the first chapter of his life - given that we want to look after it ourselves and not use external childcare - to be me, the one who will have been carrying him for 9 months.

Sorry, bit of a tangent but just a reason why the vast majority of couples, the woman will be the one to give up WOH and hence SAH - if they want to and can afford to.

Anyway will read and return to discuss.

stripey, I don't think it is celebration of housework, more of an analysis of how and why women have come to believe that the nuture of the family and the responsibility for the domestic side of things seems mainly down to them, when you have another capable adult in the mix.

And more to do with our emotional attitudes to family roles, rather than a divvying up of chores.

Joan and LRD, your views transcend gender issues.
Your argument boils down essentially to why should people do things when they don't feel like doing them?
I didn't particularly want to shop/iron/supervise homework/make packed lunches/sew on nametapes/prepare a presentation for a conference today.

I'd have preferred to loll on the sofa all day with the papers and an Earl Grey.

I did the abocve because they were my responsibility.

oh moondog, it's not that we are trying to shirk our responsibilities! And of course there are always aspects of any job that we would rather not do but have to. And of course it makes more sense physically for the woman to do this at the beginning. This is not what I'm arguing.

I'm simply saying that the roles we take on in our married lives should be dictated by our personal talents, skills, interests and not by our sex. Yes it's idealistic, but not impossible and it does happen in some countries quite successfully.

joaninha (fancying a namechange)

Less, do you think men feel liek this too ever? Pushe into certain roles because of thier sex?
What countries do yuo think have managed to sort it out|?

moondog - I should hope my views transcend gender issues, I'd be a rubbish feminist if they didn't!

I don't think my argument quite boils down to what you say, though. It's more: what are the benefits of making all wives/mothers fit one mould? To whose benefit is it really? The child's? Well, probably not - and not according to your description, certainly. The mum's? Evidently not? Society's? Doubt it.

So why is there a need to insist everyone does it the way that suits only the few? And why insist that anyone who wants to work out a different way of parenting should instead give up and feel 'angry' and a 'victim'? It's a totally pointless exercise IMO.

Well, usually, we do things we don't want to do because of some sort of later reward, be that a wage, a sense of fulfillment or at least recognition that what we are doing is valuable. As far as I can see, wifework is only worth doing if you find it fulfilling because you don't get paid and nobody will think you're all that marvellous for doing it. You find it rewarding and fulfilling and that's great. Lots of women don't. Why should the responsibility default to the woman, regardless of her personal talents and interests?

"Less, do you think men feel liek this too ever? Pushe into certain roles because of thier sex?"

Of course I do!! Hence the need for them to embrace feminism....

I agree with Lenin, although the impetus for wmen to take on the wifework may begin with maternity leave and breastfeeding, it simply doesn't hold true once breastfeeding has ended. We're talking about 2 or 3 years max, in a marriage of 30 years.

Why should they embrace feminism?
What about masculinism?

LRD I am genuinely mystified about all this 'fitting one mould' thing?
Who is doing that,where and to whom?

Porto - I know it'll discuss emotional attitudes to housework, that's why I ordered it. I posted on the previous thread about guilt and housework, because like many MNers I feel as though I'm the one who's judged if we have visitors and the house is a tip, despite us actually divvying up chores evenly. I get pre-emptively defensive with DH if I haven't done eg the washing up on a day off, despite the fact he couldn't care less! That's why I'm hoping that the book will make me feel empowered and proud, rather than oppressed iyswim. It's my choice to stay at home and I actively want to do the majority of the housework, but I'm aware that issues may arise for me and us. My self-esteem is maintained probably mostly through my WOH, so when housework becomes a responsibility rather than an extra, it may weigh more heavily. Hopefully the book will help me to see the issues clearly.

Because feminism is about breaking down rigid gender divides Moondog.
It benefits everybody, really. Don't think masculism exists.

'fitting one mould' - girls lik efairy tings, sparkles, lipstick, cooking, homemaking, caring for others, looking sexy so men fancy them etc. that sort of thing. Plenty do. Plenty are kind of swerved into it. Plenty don't like it at all and are looked down on for not. Same goes for men, trhey have their own boxes that they are supposed to fit into, and it's damaging to them when they don't.

Isn't masculinism just the same as the patriarchy? If so, I'm not impressed with it so far.

i'm pretty sure mascilinism is another word for men's rights. IE harsher sentances for woman murderers, conscription for women as well, father's rights etc

Lenin, didn't Harman have 13 years to do that?

Not sure if 13 years in power, can't remember when she was appointed in equalities

Because feminism is essentially about challenging the pigeon holes that patriarchy has put everybody in and letting them live their lives according to their individual talents/desires. That benefits men too.

To give an example, I was at the pub the other day when we got into a conversation this man who was considering being a SAHD (his wife enjoyed her job and he was happy at the thought of being at home with his DD). The obstacles that came up in conversation were the possibility that his mates would laugh, that he felt that it was his duty to "provide" and that it was just generally unusual. Now all those beliefs come from patriarchy and its dumb and erroneous notion that man should provide for and be the tough one.

Now in my feminist utopia (that I am thinking of creating in a galaxy far far away) those problems simply wouldn't be an issue and he would be one happy SAHD

13 years to undo centuries of institutionalised discrimination and some seriously prehistoric attitudes! the lazy bint

It depends on how you define a high flying career, but I have managed to have a pretty good one, whilst also being a parent. Why wouldn't I? Men manage it just as well.

High flying = money to pay for appropriate childcare.

one woman (in a government full of blokes) was meant to sort out gender inequality in the entire world in a few years?

I've heard MRAs call Harriet Harman a witch, never realised before that they think she has God-level superpowers.
If that is the case then really they should be worshipping her rather than bitching about her (and she could be striking them dead with her Harman super deathray )

A few years? If it was the full thirteen i'm sure she could have done more. i'm not bashing her by any means, just saying she had her chance