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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Can you be a feminist housewife?

661 replies

wigglybeezer · 30/08/2011 14:00

Can you be a feminist if you don't have a career but your DH does, especially if this situation has been going on for a long time (13 years in my case)?

I don't feel downtrodden by the way, merely a bit bored and lacking in choice ATM. I earn a small amount of money, so don't have to ask DH for everything but I'm wondering if my Granny (who was a hospital consultant) was a better feminist than me. I just found a photo of her and her pals at medical school where she has noted on the back that there were 18 female medical students out of 180!

OP posts:
Becaroooo · 02/09/2011 13:40

I am a SAHM and a feminist.

The 2 things arent mutually exclusive.

PeanutGallery · 02/09/2011 14:14

"it was forced on them by circumstances they couldn't change"

Fair enough ssd, I appreciate that many women don't have the choice. For me most of what feminism is about is working towards all women having that choice.

But my point was that are some women out there who have chosen
to be SAHMs (I should have made it clearer that that is not the position of all SAHMs) so presumably there are some women who do find it rewarding?

Justfeckinggoogleit · 02/09/2011 14:27

I chose it.

I absolutely love it. I love my house, love being my own boss, love doing essentially whatever i choose, when I choose.

That said, I completely respect the choices other women CHOOSE to make job wise.

I am still struggling to see how doing unpaid shitwork is shitwork, but getting£150 a week for it somehow elevates you ?
SGB, go on, be a sport, tell us what amazing career you have that you can denigrate other womens lives so easily.

TrillianAstra · 02/09/2011 15:02

Even if you do have the choice, you might choose to be a SAHM because the benefits (as you see them) outweigh the shitwork, not because you enjoy the shitwork or don't think it is shit.

PeanutGallery · 02/09/2011 15:10

Agree Trillian - that is probably true about all choices though! I mean, there is plenty about my WOH job that I don't enjoy or like. I do it because the benefits IMO outweigh the crappy bits.

Riveninabingle · 02/09/2011 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justfeckinggoogleit · 02/09/2011 16:55

All jobs have shit bits but overall, the good outweighs the bad.

I'm not the greatest fan of cleaning but it's easy and stressfree and relatively quick. Plus, I like the end result.

I can't think of a single job that doesn't have bits of it that are dull or repetitive or boring.

To call housewifery shitwork is offensive, divisive and just plain ignorant.
It also pisses me off because as a feminist, this kind of denigration does so much harm.

Becaroooo · 02/09/2011 17:20

How interesting...

Met a new neighbour yesterday evening (we recently moved) and she asked what I did.

I was so flumoxed!!!! Shock

Took me at least 10 seconds to formulate the amazingly erudite reply of
"I stay at home"

wtf????

I am never sure what to say to that question tbh...I never use the term "housewife"...I think it is denegrating. I generally say "I am a stay at home mum" but yesterday I just....blanked.

Dont know why...its a choice I am comfortable with, it works for my family and although its boring at times, all the jobs I have ever had were boring at times too Hmm

The next time someone asks me that I will just say "nothing" Grin

Hardgoing · 02/09/2011 17:31

I don't really understand the word 'shitwork' anyway, does it mean childcare or housework/housekeeping? I quite successfully managed to do lots of the former (and enjoyed it) but much less of the latter. Looking after little ones can be immensely satisfying (and involve shit), I don't personally find that about housework (which is shit as it is boring and repetitive). And, in the 'paid world' these are separate jobs (nanny/nursery or cleaner/housekeeper). Saying 'shitwork' to denote what a lot of SAHM's do all day including caring for small children is really derogratory. Caring for small children on a daily basis is a wonderful thing to do, and was highly jealous of my husband when he got to do it second time around.

Original poster
wigglybeezer · 02/09/2011 17:33

Becaroooo, that is the worst thing about being a SAHM/housewife, people asking you what you do and then not really knowing what to say next after you have delivered your explanation of why you are not WOTH.

Even my old (female) school and college friends, some with kids, some without, end up chatting mainly to DH when they visit because he has a job perceived as interesting and creative. I find it a bit hurtful to be honest.

OP posts:
Popbiscuit · 02/09/2011 17:35

You can say "I'm doing kids right now" or "I'm at home with the children".

Becaroooo · 02/09/2011 17:36

It can be wiggly Lets face it, society as a whole does not value the role of a SAHM and therefore the people in that society dont Sad

Riveninabingle · 02/09/2011 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justfeckinggoogleit · 02/09/2011 17:56

Firstly, I say, " Oh gosh, I don't go out to work!"

That usually shuts up any perceived criticism, not that I'd give a shit anyway.

Secondly, Riven, I beleive shitwork stops becoming shitwork the second another woman is paid to do it or someone with a penis does it.

ssd · 02/09/2011 18:29

I think when a man does shitwork its all the same: hoovering/cleaning the loo/ironing etc is all a bit shit no matter who does it. dh does as much as me and feels the same about the druggery, we won't ever have a cleaner or an outsourcer!! so its up to us, looking after small kids isn't shitwork but it can be repetative and boring

Justfeckinggoogleit · 02/09/2011 18:31

Loads of jobs, paid and unpaid are repetitive and dull.

I can imagine sitting at a checkout for 8 hours a day is. Street cleaning, burger serving, table wiping.

But they are all jobs that are valuable and need to be done, exactly like housework.

ssd · 02/09/2011 18:38

true, someone needs to do all that, and some of us do these jobs at some time in their lives because it suits us then

Bonsoir · 02/09/2011 18:39

Lots of jobs involve being away from home overnight on a regular basis, long commutes on public tranport/in rush hour and eating nasty lunches at vastly inflated prices. Those facts alone make staying at home mighty attractive Smile

ssd · 02/09/2011 18:41

< I dream of being away for a night in a hotel alone and if the company's paying even better, but chance would be a fine thing!>

Bonsoir · 02/09/2011 18:43
Bonsoir · 02/09/2011 18:44
Himalaya · 02/09/2011 19:02

Riven - I think that "choosing and not choosing" is what happens to a lot of people.

I don't think its driven by ideas about 'domestic goddesses and women's sacred duty to be homemakers' as you say SGB (well maybe it is somewhere deep, deep down.. Grin) - I think it's more practical, the choices you make at school, in choosing careers, in choosing a partner, in taking the main responsibility in early years, that mean later on down the line for so many women end up knowing so much more about how to look after the kids, and their partner has greater earning power it just seems to make financial sense to keep the 100% homemaker and 100% earner split, or to be the secondary earner with the less rewarding job. (plus the majority of people around them are doing the same thing, so it's a mum's club at the playground, school gate, PTA etc..and a no-mums club at work...)

Ssd - money isn't the way out of this (...although its always nicer to have money Grin) - people just get a bigger mortgage, higher cost of living but the calculation about whether it is worth the husbands while to do less work and more childcare is the same.

When I was a kid no one really talked to me about money and careers, it was just 'work hard at school and follow your dreams'. I think there was always the assumption that girls only needed starter careers whereas boys needed serious careers. I've only got DSs and we talk a lot about this stuff. I like to think that if I had girls I would too - about the choices you make and how the effect the choices open to you later. Otherwise another generation sleepwalks into a dead-end of choices.. ?

Himalaya · 02/09/2011 19:07

Being away from home overnight somewhere interesting every once in a while is one of the best things about my work

ssd · 02/09/2011 19:24

true bonsoir Grin

Becaroooo · 02/09/2011 19:36

Its never cut and dry, though, the choice, is it?

I could never earn anything like what dh earns (he has a degree and managerial experience) He has a "career" whereas I only ever had "jobs" IYSWIM?

Now with 2 young dc, if I could get a job round school/nursery hours the money I could earn would probably not cover the petrol costs!

Been thinking about re-training, dont know that the hell as, mind Smile

ds2 starts school in 2 years and it would be nice to have some choices re: work, and not have to take waitressing/cleaning/carer jobs (nothing wrong with any of them btw and have done all of them at various points in my life)

Sigh....