being a sah is not considered a legitimate pursuit anymore...

[AliGrylls]

I am fed up of people thinking that being a SAHP is the easy option - I am a firm believer it is not an easy option. Most SAHM I know have what I would describe as quite a rough time of it. Hubbie leaving the house at 6/7 am; not getting home until 7/8 and woman is expected to do all the jobs she was expected to do 40/50 years ago, ie, washing, ironing etc - except for the fact that DH wants the children to be kept up so he can play with them and say what a good father he is.

The whole notion that being a working parent is so much harder is not true because while you are out working there is someone else looking after your children for you. You are not trying to do them both simultaneously. What is hard is trying to fit a job around your children, which is what most women want so they can enjoy their lives and their children (I think!)

A woman who chooses to SAH after children start school is not lazy, she is merely trying to redress the fact that she has spent the first few years of her children's life knee deep in nappies and sleep deprived having worked the 17 hour day that was expected of her. When her children start school she will probably be back to working 8-10 hour days that most people work.

Lastly, there is actually no shame in being a SAHP and it can be fulfilling and stimulating. It is just a question of whether one wants to treat is a proper job or a millstone around the neck. Is a job really that much more intellectually stimulating? Surely, after a few years any job loses its ability to stimulate due to the fact it becomes a process? Unless of course you are in academia or a creative job. Except for financial reasons the main reason to go back to work is to have a break from the children / have a career. Neither of which are bad reasons just please admit that this is the reason and not use the fact that you obviously believe you have the intellectual high ground over someone who chooses to SAH.

I strongly believe the above is a feminist issue and I think that being a SAH deserves the same level of respect that being a working parent gets, but it doesn't. Feminists please back up the fact that a woman has a right to choose and she should not be guilted into the modern day notion that working is all and being a full-time mother is not a legitimate pursuit.

I also think it depends on the person. SAHM doesnt have to be isolating if you get out and meet all your friends. Working and having a child can also be relentless as you have to get up go to work, work, come home, everythings got to be done etc. IMO once you have children your life will be relentless tbh I think it doesnt matter what you do and unless you are in a minute group of people no one is going to respect you, and I wouldnt ever expect anyone to respect me or what I do.

I agree ilovedora Im not sure what you mean about respect though. I personally feel that I am respected by my parents,friends ,DH as a good mother and also as a nurse by my colleagues and patients.
Noone is jumping up and down shouting it but my DD and what I have achieved in my career are the visible side of it .
I feel that everything I have done has been my choice and my decision and I dont expect anyone to have to validate my choices for me.
It makes me a bit sad that you feel you have neither respect nor status.

I am seen as a good mum obviously by my daughter and husband. I am also seen as a good wife by my husband but I dont think anyone else would give 2 hoots what I did. I work with children and they all like me and get on with me but I dont really feel anyone would care either way. I have never met anyone that even really enquires much about whether you work in a job or not. Its something that just isnt really talked about much in my circles/area.

I am talking about the Op doesnt feel respected and I dont really get that concept as I dont know anyone that would care either way.I dont know hardly anyone man or woman, that has status really, it doesnt make me sad its just irrelevant to my life.

im a good mum,good employee.im happy,it works for the family thats what matters. and naturally i dont care what anyone else makes of it-why should i?

Ilovedora maybe the OP isnt respected by her partner and that is at the heart of her OP- or maybe taken for granted.
I think perhaps respect is somewhat invisible whereas disrespect is obvious ifyswim

Thats what I am getting at SM. I dont fully understand what SAHMs mean when they say they dont get respect/status as the vast majority of people dont whether working or not. Not many jobs gain respect or status irl ime.

It doesnt seem like the Op is talking about her partner but about wider society to me Sarah

wider society doesnt need to respect op.she needs to respect herself
how would that manifest itself? sahm day?wear vileda ribbon show support?
op needs to stop looking for external approbation ,she wont get it

Ah OK Ilovedora I see what you mean.

What I just cannot understand and drives me mental is why we send so much time bitching about each other and the choices we make between SAHM and WOHM when we should be asking why our husbands and partners aren't doing more to make the situation more manageable. WOHM is harder because 90% women still retain responsibility for all the household shit. So for some women who can financially afford it - SHAM seems the only sensible and sane option. But they too are making sacrifices and compromises.

But don't fight with each other - fight the battle with your husbands and partners who just bimble along with the household somehow being managed around them while you either feel undermined for not working or exhausted and guilty about the compromises that come with being a working woman.

It's not fair. But we wont change it by turning on each other.

I dont think anyone has been bitching ??
My DP has done 50/50 on childcare and housework. I mentioned this on another thread and also bought up the subject of flexible working- excuses abounded as to why their DP would never consider it
I agree wholeheartedly with what you have written btw

why do you classify women discussions as "bitching" most demeaning
oh not the myth of the sisterhood.all us sistas getting along
aye thats going to happen
and speak for yourself about partners, we have equitable split

When I was at work I had many signs of respect for my role. My salary for one but also a title, business lunches, staff who sought my advice, instructions or approval etc etc etc. I was regularly rewarded or praised for deadlines met, problems resolved and clients impressed.
At hone I get none of that. My role is often only mentioned if something goes wrong. It has a kind of negative status.
Fortunately for me I don't want or desire praise or recognition and I have status.
But the op makes a valid point.
To be a sahp does mean that you get no status.
I just think sah shouldn't care.
That is not the same as suggesting it isn't true

Not bitching on this thread perhaps - didn't read all of it. But there are many threads of competition SAHM vs WOHM and they all miss the point I feel. I'm glad your husband takes the stance he does but it is rare. And women do themselves no favours getting tied up competing with each other when the elephant in the room is the massive injustice that women in society still experience. Currently reading this book and gasping in horror and recognition much of the time.

www.amazon.co.uk/Wifework-Susan-Maushart/dp/0747561729

Scottishmumy - point taken on use of word "bitching"

Personally I dont think Wohm is harder because my husband doesnt do much its just harder as my job outside the home is harder than my one at home. Nothing to do with my husband. It all depends on what job you do and everyones circumstances will be different.

I just dont think most jobs have status unless you have a rare job that is really amazing no one cares if you are working in shop/waiter/carer/binman/warehouse person/hairdresser etc. None of those types of jobs will get you any respect or status along with 100s of other examples.

Kitsilano the biching comment aside, I think you are right to point out that a lot of the difficulties motheres in general have, is the level of responsiblity they have for their children in comparison to their partners or the fathers of their children (in the case of single mothers). Many many complaints on MN are as a result of a lack of support for a variety of reasons for women and them having to do their share and then some.

also of course working men make compromises as much as women as they might not get to see their children as much either.

I dont do anything for my DP in terms of making his existence more comfortable and mine less . I really find it astonishing that some wives feel the need to run around their DP like they are gods.
We look after each other equally -If he is tired I will cook and viceversa. He is kind and thoughtful and I try to be too.

Thanks HandDiveds and take the point re the word bitching. It's not just responsibility for the children though. In the vast majority of cases, (not all I know - thank you to those who point out their husbands are not like this) women are responsible for childcare, cooking, housework, admin, maintenance, cleaning - even if it's the outsourcing of those tasks it's still their job at the end of the day. And this is what makes life such an exhausting compromise for so many women. Drives me demented - and even more so when I see women on here criticisng (not on this thread maybe, but it does happen) each others choices when the fact is we all need to fight a massive battle to change the way women are treated by society.

I don't give a fuck about this argument anymore. Most parents are just trying to do their best. That's it really.

HTH

NormanTebbit - not really but thanks for the insight

Kitsilano - I agree.

Some people seem to think I have self esteem issues. My self esteem has never been better. I brought this discussion up after a week of comments from people (women) such as "I couldn't stay at home, I just don't find it stimulating", "why don't you cook your husband dinner every night? Don't you have time?" and the like. What do I say to those things? To say it is not stimulating to someone who takes pride in what they do is insulting. It would be like me saying to someone who worked "I couldn't do that - I don't want to entrust the care of my child to a stranger". It is just really rude. I appreciate that people have to work, so why do people think it is acceptable to be rude about someone else's life choices.

Anyway, I am ready for another week and off to take my little monkeys out to playgroup (which is the place of my insult).

Of course, there's always the argument that it perpetuates the stereotype to the next generation that mum stays at home and does everything and dad goes out to work.
Once kids go to school, I think it's a bit lame tbh.

Gay40.

Lame? well, if that's what you think, s'up to you. [shrugs]

I do local community stuff, spend time with my getting on a bit parents, help out at a school and deal with the animals and my land/house. I also help out my working friends with childcare when they are stuck.

I have never been happier. I love my life, absolutely love it. The thought of giving it all up to work 9-5 for money we don't need and wouldn't spend scares the living daylights out of me ( though possibky not quite as much as it would scare DH!!)

If YOU are happy working, I am pleased. The only lame thing on this thread is judging other women for making different choices from you.