being a sah is not considered a legitimate pursuit anymore...

[AliGrylls]

I am fed up of people thinking that being a SAHP is the easy option - I am a firm believer it is not an easy option. Most SAHM I know have what I would describe as quite a rough time of it. Hubbie leaving the house at 6/7 am; not getting home until 7/8 and woman is expected to do all the jobs she was expected to do 40/50 years ago, ie, washing, ironing etc - except for the fact that DH wants the children to be kept up so he can play with them and say what a good father he is.

The whole notion that being a working parent is so much harder is not true because while you are out working there is someone else looking after your children for you. You are not trying to do them both simultaneously. What is hard is trying to fit a job around your children, which is what most women want so they can enjoy their lives and their children (I think!)

A woman who chooses to SAH after children start school is not lazy, she is merely trying to redress the fact that she has spent the first few years of her children's life knee deep in nappies and sleep deprived having worked the 17 hour day that was expected of her. When her children start school she will probably be back to working 8-10 hour days that most people work.

Lastly, there is actually no shame in being a SAHP and it can be fulfilling and stimulating. It is just a question of whether one wants to treat is a proper job or a millstone around the neck. Is a job really that much more intellectually stimulating? Surely, after a few years any job loses its ability to stimulate due to the fact it becomes a process? Unless of course you are in academia or a creative job. Except for financial reasons the main reason to go back to work is to have a break from the children / have a career. Neither of which are bad reasons just please admit that this is the reason and not use the fact that you obviously believe you have the intellectual high ground over someone who chooses to SAH.

I strongly believe the above is a feminist issue and I think that being a SAH deserves the same level of respect that being a working parent gets, but it doesn't. Feminists please back up the fact that a woman has a right to choose and she should not be guilted into the modern day notion that working is all and being a full-time mother is not a legitimate pursuit.

oh dont be so lame.does kicked off mean no fawning to op and campaigning for housewife salaries

kicked off is a deleted thread and humphy faces
this is tame

I'm not a fan of the SAHP debate. Now, we're supposed to have the option, but for financial reasons, societal reasons, whatever, a lot of women don't.

What concerns me is that, whichever decision a woman makes after having children, they often feel the need to justify it. When I considered going back to work, the first question was "how will you juggle caring for DS and working?". The ex was never asked the same question. Yet, when I was a single SAHM, I felt scrutinized for being one. Surely it's time both options were seen as being truly valuable? Because, if we need to justify our choices, surely that shows society doesn't see that either option is of true value.

To clarify, I am talking about SAHP of school age children.
Spending all day looking after toddlers and trying to complete chores is very hard ime.

I agree, I work PT for three days and have DD the rest of the week. DP, and my mum look after DD while I'm at work.

I need my job for my sanity!!! It would drive me mental to stay in the house all the time so kudos to you as long as you're doing a good job of it!

dont seek external approbation for personal choices.neither sahp or working parent is even greeted with an unconditional well done.

be happy and comfortable with your own choices - if it works for you and suits your commitments

Agree with BethelBeth. As some of you know, I'm a full time student, these days. The way it works out is that I spend around five months out of university each year (That's another debate but more in relation to tuition fees). I'm someone who needs mental stimulation. But I've also found being at uni with a 3 year old has had a positive impact on him. He's already developed a love of books, and has already told his keyworker that when he's a big boy, he wants to go to uni.

Sorry, went off topic there...

at my work all mums go back,so yes was a given id go back.no jip at work
comments on mat leave from precious moments mamas and now wags at school

Maxine, that may have been the case in your experience, but it's not always the case. My DSis received a lot of sympathy for needing to go back to work. My DSIL has received a lot of comments, particularly from DMother about how she's not putting her DS first by returning to work

i didnt need to go back to work
i actively chose it.planned it
in ye way some mums chose and plan to sahm

scottishmummy, I wasn't implying that all mum's that return to work need to do so. It was just the case where DSis was concerned. Financially, she and her exDH felt they couldn't afford for her to stay at home.

I agree with what you say sm -make your choice and stand by it -as I said up thread I dont as an adult feel the need to explain my choices to anyone.
What I dont understand is why you have to be so derogatory to others

scottishmummy - you seem to think I am making a statement about working parents which I am not.

My only point is that I constantly find myself justifying my choice to people and it always ends up with me saying how lucky I am. Whilst I am lucky I would say I work bloody hard with my children (one is just 2 and the other 71/2 months). I feel I am on duty 24 hours a day and that except for when DH takes them for an hour in the morning and on a saturday morning.

In relation to school age children I am making my assumptions based on the fact that she is "on call" for 6 hours less because the children are at school. I don't know about school age children as much but I do feel that if a woman stays at home in the years pre-school she should be able to sit back a little and enjoy the fruits of her labour and not feel guilty about it.

Replying to OP -I think the answer is to stop justifying your choices to others .

I am a sahm to school age children, what i find is I can do the things I have always wanted to do, I help out in school 2 days a week, I help with my elderly gran, I am not stressed when the teachers go on strike, the sacrifice for this is money, everybody makes there choice, I have never said a word to a working mum, but several have had a go at me about how much easier it is, well if it is competative misery you want you can win (not at anyone here, at the people who have had a go at me).

If you are happy with your choice and feel it is the right thing for your family then thats great. But why justify your choice? Ignore them and enjoy your life.

My exMIL was highly critical when I went back to work when DS was one. I couldn't have given a toss and she ended up having a conversation with herself as I wouldnt engage with that kind of nonsense.

The only person you should be discussing this with is your DH. Tell everyone else to butt out.

Ali,youre v much opining and making assumptions about working mums.asking them answer your question "just please admit that this is the reason..."

this isnt the therapist couch Ali no one needs to admit anything

and the person with the big chip on the shoulder is you.clearly this causes you self esteem issues.hence you feel aggrieved

i've never understood why it is considered virtuous to be as miserable, exhausted and working as hard as you possibly can?

and why is it considered 'lazy' to be anything less than against the wall, is it lazy to be enjoying your life and to be acheiving a balance you consider best for your life, family and happiness.

i GENUINELY don't understand.

i would never judge anybody for working less hours and taking life at a pace that makes them and their family happy.

my life is far from perfect, there are some things about it i cannot control, but other things are choices i have made and am hapy with.. if anybody thinks i have an easy life i am happy for them to join me. the more the merrier.

fluffles different things make people feel exhausted and miserable .

I love my job ,look forward to going in and its not just about earning money.
I am lucky enough to have my degree funded and time to study paid for.

I believe that working gives me the balance I need and I would feel miserable and exhausted being at home fulltime. We are all different

SarahLundsred... i agree, but why do people do the 'you have it easy' or 'you just don't know what it's like' or 'you should try my life' and other such comments of compeitive misery??

OP you worry too much what other people say and think.
I am a working mother ( 4 days a week) and would have a much more relaxed and enjoyable time as a SAHM. But then I get a lot from working that SAHMs often don't have - financial independence etc. There are too many variables in life to make generalisations about what is "best" imo. We all do the best we can at the time with our own circumstances.

I don't disrespect SAHMs and think it is foolish for women to spend time disrespecting each others choices in life.

I used to wonder "what SAHPs do all day" until I started standing in for my friend while she and her H went away. They had 3 DC aged 10-16 when I first did it. I was gobsmacked. Lunch prep, kit checks, breakfasts, school run with the youngest, shop, housework, a couple of hours to myself, school run, tea, homework, cook, supper, activity transport x 3, friends & emotional issues, bedtimes, laundry. All in all I got around 5 hours of 'me' time which was roughly the same as when I worked in a very high-pressure job. Also, little of the SAHP work was as much fun or as social as my job - though I guess that part feels different when they're your own kids.

Since the first time I did it, I never wondered what they do all day
The knowledge that many women do all that AND a job fills me with awe.

I don't know about this one.

On the one hand I don't think people give SAHM's enough respect. They do an important job and enable the working partner to do better at their job by taking the pressures off. Not all SAHM enjoy being at home and it is hard work.

However I find my days at home with two children under three and one in school much easier than my days when I have to get them all out of the house by 7.00 am, cram work into my day, rush to pick them up, sort them out, bed etc then do more work.

I don't understand why you say a SAHM works 17 hour days but a WOHM works only 8 - 10? Surely she works 8 - 10 in her paid job then reverts to the same roles as a SAHM?

However, saying that, I would go a bit insane staying at home full time. I enjoy my job and do not enjoy the monotony of the tasks of caring for young children. Part of this is also social stimulation and company. I have no family near by to help and all my good friends work. Yes I could make new ones but you dont just make life long friends over night. And the ones I do make then go back to work.

Both groups should be respected and their positions recognised as making a difference. However I dont htink you can decide which is harder for any individual. Depends on a lot of things.

Maybe they are struggling ? or due to financial pressure they cant make the choices they want to ?