Mummy does the Cleaning...

[Lovemy2babies]

My first time on Feminism so be gently...

I have a 3 year old DD and when I asked her what does Mummy do?

She replied "Cleaning"

Arhhh, I am degree educated, worked in a recognised profession for several years and am now a SAHM and my DD thinks all I do is clean

I am worried about how she views a womens role to be.

She also thinks women sit next to men drivers, as I sit in the passenger seat when her father drives as he hates my driving.

Also I have a bad habit of when somthing breaks in house or batteries need changing saying that Daddy will fix when he gets home. I know how to do it, I just can't be bothered.

Another one I have just thought of that I do, when ever DD wants to buy somthing I say "ask your Dad". So I guess I am letting her know that men are charge financially.

Anyway any tips on how to make my DD think that women do more than pick up crap after thier family?

Thanks Omicron!

why are you so defensive op?asking where do your children go?if you can afford it why cant you work and kids go nursery or cm?plenty other folk juggle nursery and children.im not suggesting you put them in a cupboard all day.but since you asked - childcare. look into the free nursery hours for the 3yo

if you children predominately see you undertake domestic and husewife stuff,then they will assume it is women work,as that is whart is being enacted in front of them.is a bit self fulfilling isn't it.

so you want your DD think that women do more than pick up crap after thier family- well break that cycle.dont do it.work demonstrate work,career and financial abilities.or yes study and work when they go to school

As you has a career what made you choose to give upnwork and your DH to carry on with his career?

Could you have both gone part-time and split the child-care equally?

Its hard, the whole role modelling thing. I struggle with this one myself as DH is unusually mechanically minded, and although I'm averagely competent, he is just very much better at fixing / making things, so tends to do it. I'm never quite sure what the answer is - I don't want dd to think of fixing as 'men's work', but frankly, if I didn't live with DH I would take the car to the garage/computer to the shop/get a new CD player or whatever.

Even worse, although DH does half the 'everyday' cooking, he can't make jam / chutney / bottle things / make cakes other than quite boring ones, so I tend to do that. Its annoyingly stereotypical, even though if you look at our families, my dad can make marmalade but not fix things (he rings DH too), and DH's mum (and dad) are of the fishfingers-and-oven-chips school of cooking & couldn't cook a batch of jam if you paid them.

What do you lot do ? Struggle with stuff you're rubbish at (which I used to do) or give in and go with the stereotypical flow (which I tend to do now)?

Scottishmummy- Iam not defensive Iam annoyed at the suggestion I should go into paid work and leave my children to be raised by strangers.

I do not care how others juggle childcare and paid work.

I did not have children to fob them off onto others.

Also my 3 year old is not able to get free preschool place until September.

Just because someone goes out to paid work does not make them a more valued part of society.

Also my previous career does not allow much of a career part time so going back into it when Dcs are at school will not work.

I'm very offended by your ignorant uncompassionate posts Scottishmummy

annoyed you enact a stereotypical housewife role that youre dd comments on?

dont see why you're annoyed?if you chose to enact this mumsy role,if as you say you pick up crap all day.well you asked for feedback and got it

what do you want here stimulating dazzling role modelling from housewifery and play the precious moments cards too.lol thats having your cake and eating it.if your dd only ses you enact housewifery then she will see it as womens/mummy work at the moment.fortunately when she goes to school she will have working role models in female staff.

but fact is you are perpetrating a housewife life,and unhappy about it (as thread attests).so make changes and dont get sore when that is put to you

I often find sm offensive Lovemy, but not this time.

If you are annoyed at the suggestion you go to work, then that suggests to me that you think using childcare is wrong.

I don't think it's wrong, I think it's too expensive for me to use right now.
If I could have a good job that paid enough to make the childcare worthwhile, immediately or in the longterm, I'd jump at the chance, because I'd feel better if I had a job. Or at least if I did less cleaning and mothering DH.

From what you've said, I think you don't value SAHMs as equal to the working parent, or you didn't beforehand. Otherwise you wouldn't be doing more hours work a day than your DH and justify him lounging about because he's been at work.

It's very hard when our society tells us that having a job makes you a worthwhile person, but going out to work when you've got little ones is wrong.
A woman's place is in the wrong.
Just some things to think about.

strangers might ignore my dc,but dc know i dont pick up crap all day
they know a women role can make significant contribution in workplace
so money well spent in my honest opinion

OK.

This is a long game. Currently, your child think you do the cleaning because you do the cleaning! You have made the same choice as I did, which was to be at home with young children. Had you asked my children when they were 3 what I did, they would probably have said something similar (well, possibly not cleaning , but something home-related. And they would have been right.

Now, they would say something different. Because I am back in a full time, interesting job that I like to talk about at home.

It's a long game.

That said, you clarly have some issues regarding your own and your DH's attititude to your current position, and perhaps talk of "fobbing off children" is not going to win friends and influence people...

Grr. Not a fan of the new bolding shortcuts!

A shame to make this into a SAHM/WOHM debate. I'd say both are valid and valuable contributions (I'd say SAHP/WOHP in fact). The OP hasn't said she's unhappy being a SAHM, just that she's been thinking about how her DD sees her. It is possible to be a SAHM and not be just seen as the cleaner - that's what this thread has been about, in part. SAHM does not have to mean housewife. It is possible to be at home and be seen as someone creative, intelligent, worth while and a person in your own right.

Good luck with the volunteering OP - I hope my info helped.

I feel offended by ScottishMummy not because I am a SAHM and you have pointed out home truths to me but becuase you suggest the only way to have fulfillment is through paid work and placing my children into childcare.

I value my role to my children but what I have come to realise from my DD's comment is that I am not setting a positive female role model for her as she is not aware of my past achivements nor is she aware what I do when I am away from her, like go to the gym, do a part time course and socialse with friends all done without her.

I posted this thread to ask for advice and to think thoughts out aload so to speak, and I have recived some wonderful advice in response to this thread giving me much food for thought.

I realise where I have made my mistakes and am up for changing my family life style and dynamics for the benefit for us all.

Timewasting - I do not justify my DH lounging while I work, what I expressed was that we have different personalities where he likes to watch TV on his sparetime, I like to socialise or do somthing else.

Stopthenonsense - I stopped paid work and DH continued as he earned more than me so it made financial sense. Also both of us going part time would not have worked financially.

Omicron- SAHM does not have to mean housewife. It is possible to be at home and be seen as someone creative, intelligent, worth while and a person in your own right.
This is where I want to be.

Apologies for this turning into working vs sahm, really not my intention, I just became annoyed when Scottishmummy advised the only way to be valued was to go into paid employment and place my dc's into childcare!

AnnieBesant - DH nor I have any issues regarding my current position as a SAHM

Family life is a learning curve and we try very hard to learn how to be better parents and better spouses for each other, this is why I started this thread.
I wanted advice on how to raise strong confident independant DD's.

I hope posters can see that?

you are being way too touchy.yes i did suggest you make changes
volunteer or study
work (clearly not to your liking)

but for as long as you enact predominately housewife role,then that is the majority modelling they wil see.hence i made the suggestion they see you engaged in something other than housewife.cant you recognise that if you make a change that is a different angle.ahve deep hard think about how or why it all got so stuck and what are you going to do

and fwiw,you dished out some offensive precious moments cliches yourself.lets see
"I should go into paid work and leave my children to be raised by strangers.

I do not care how others juggle childcare and paid work.

I did not have children to fob them off onto others"

lol id say thats clichétastic top of the pops.but given ive heard it all before on mn,no offence taken

this isny a sahm/work thang its a you got to stop whining and do something else thang.was you introduced the "fob off kids" etc

you need to manoeuvre your own changes and not have a hissy fit when change is suggetsted

I meant more the division of labour, rather than you being a SAHM.

"I feel like the family servant, however Dh also feels like the familys servant with having to pay the bills."

This bit.

scottishmummy - I am not whining, nor am I having a hissy fit.
If you read through the thread, you will see how I have agreed with many posters about taking on suggested changes.

Annie- We as a family are happy readdress how we all work together and divison of labour is a good suggesstion.

I am going to stop posting on this thread as I feel as if I have taken many positve things out of this and am happy at the wonderful advice I have been given.

Thank you all for your input :)

As my DH has been a SAHD since the DSs were quite young, they assume that all men do the cooking and all women are good with computers! When visiting friends, they always used to thank the men for any meals. I am also the fixer in this household, although they do have to rescue me from spiders!

Just to cheer you up, OP, it could also be worse. A friend's 4 y/o apparantly told her teacher at school that 'mummy goes out to work and daddy sits at home and sleeps and watches the tv all day'.

Just for the record, said Daddy is a very devoted mostly SAHP, cooks, does lots of DIY as well as general cleaning, and also has a part time job. . . I don't think you can win as a parent to a 3 y/o!

Your DD needs to see your DH doing cooking/cleaning when they are both at home, like at the weekends.

Could you get a Saturday job so it gives them time together?

You cant just delegate the finances to your DH. If you aren't v good at it then it is your responsibility to get good at it- that is part of you being a good parent. What if you split or he died? -Your DD would suffer if you didn't have these skills.

If DIY stuff needs done, leave the dishes in the sink and do it.

by not enacting gender stereotypical roles we model a range of behaviours and tasks to our children. if you want to change how your dd sees things (and you) then you do need to be challenging gender roles and tasks.and yes coming out of comfort zone and doing something that one doesnt naturally gravitate to is also god idea.and for dd she sees its a range of tasks that mum and dad do.

dont predominately enact housewife role.introduce something else and talk about it
do something else, sat job is a good recommendation
weekend your dp do childcare
study a course that will enhance your job prospects when they return to school