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Original poster

Mummy does the Cleaning...

121 replies

Lovemy2babies · 02/05/2011 21:53

My first time on Feminism so be gently...

I have a 3 year old DD and when I asked her what does Mummy do?

She replied "Cleaning"

Arhhh, I am degree educated, worked in a recognised profession for several years and am now a SAHM and my DD thinks all I do is clean

I am worried about how she views a womens role to be.

She also thinks women sit next to men drivers, as I sit in the passenger seat when her father drives as he hates my driving.

Also I have a bad habit of when somthing breaks in house or batteries need changing saying that Daddy will fix when he gets home. I know how to do it, I just can't be bothered.

Another one I have just thought of that I do, when ever DD wants to buy somthing I say "ask your Dad". So I guess I am letting her know that men are charge financially.

Anyway any tips on how to make my DD think that women do more than pick up crap after thier family?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemy2babies · 03/05/2011 08:54

Stewie - Your right modelling behaviours with role reversal is what we need to do.
Great ideas

OP posts:
TimeWasting · 03/05/2011 08:54

People are always shocked that I don't iron DH clothes. Which I find exasperating. I wash them, because it's easier to do all of our clothes together, but looking presentable for work is part of his job, so he does it himself.

This is what I mean about being a servant. I don't do everything for him. I'd like to do even less, but I'm working on that. Grin

If you don't consider your time at home with the children to be as valuable as the time he spends at work, then you are telling your children that SAHMs aren't important, I think.

StewieGriffinsMom · 03/05/2011 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceWorld · 03/05/2011 09:11

Re the holes in the socks and therefore buying them for him, I'd think about the balance differently.

Having holes in socks - impact negligible for the wearer, non-existent for the non wearer.

Buying socks for your partner - gives them a message that it is your role to look after them, gives children message that this is what women do for men.

So on balance the negative impact of buying the socks far outweighs the negative of not buying them. Can that be applied to others things in your world?

Not that buying the socks is wrong in itself, it's all context, but it sounds like you're not just buying but also keeping an eye on the holes and assessing when they are needed. This is another type of mothering/infantalising

TimeWasting · 03/05/2011 09:14

Thank you Alice. Another thing I must stop doing. He doesn't have a lot of spare time, but if he can shop for jeans and shoes, he can shop for pants and socks.

Original poster
Lovemy2babies · 03/05/2011 09:17

AliceWorld - I had not realised that I was mothering/infantalising DH so much but I think your observation is right, and DH needs to look after himself more so I can send the message to my DD's that they are not servants to the men in their life.

How do I then show my family that we do things for each other out of love, as I still want us to all consider each other and work as a family unit.

OP posts:
LostInTransmogrification · 03/05/2011 09:21

My DH pulled the 'car sick' one so he could drive my car. But he isn't car sick when he has had a drink and wants me to drive, and I would have thought that alcohol would make it worse! Think I am going to have to crack down a bit...

AyeRobot · 03/05/2011 09:22

I don't know whether it would help to break things down in this way:

(in no particular order)

Household tasks (house maintenance, earning money, cleaning, food shopping etc etc)
Childcare tasks (physical childcare, medical appointments, reading bedtime stories, learning about potty training techniques etc etc)
Personal tasks for you
Personal tasks for him

How you divvy up the tasks is for you and your husband to negotiate. If you start from the position, for example, that your individual personal tasks are your own responsibility, then doing them for each other as a one off is clearly a favour, rather than an obligation, and swapping tasks is a fair exchange. That would be great modelling for kids.

wolfhound · 03/05/2011 09:24

I disagree with the 'x works all day therefore shouldn't do anything when they're at home' idea. i do part-time paid work from home (with childcare), DH works full-time out of the home. when either/both of us are not actively working, we are on kid/home duty and each get on with whatever needs doing.

That requires you both to be involved and know what needs doing, but i think that just naturally develops - the more you do, the more you notice what needs to be done.

We have an unspoken agreement that after 7.30pm once kids are in bed, neither of us does any housework etc. and we both slump in front of telly relax together. Also, at weekends etc. we take it in turns to give each other a lie-in or a couple of hours off.

I think it feels good to be working as a team. DSs see both of us doing all the various jobs that need doing. Though DH always drives as I can't (medical condition) but don't see that as a big deal in the overall scheme of things.

AliceWorld · 03/05/2011 09:29

It's often not easy to spot. It's great that you have started to notice and question things and want to make some changes.

Personally I think once you have a more equal set up, then you can do those things for each other because it's not expected so it's just a nice thing to do rather than part of a pattern.

FWIW if my partner needed socks, in all likelihood he would ask me to get them, as I walk past the shops every day, he doesn't work near any shops. I'd get them as a favour to him cos it's a nice thing to do as I love him. Difference is there would be no expectation that is was my job, and I have absolutely no idea the status of his socks so he would have to ask. Equally he picks up stuff for me from a shop he does pass on his way home that is in a totally different direction. (Things specifically for me, not for the house. We both do that.)

So I think once the issue isn't there, you can do things for one another because it doesn't indicate something wider. He knows it isn't my job to do stuff for him, so when I do do things for him it's not framed as being my duty. Does that make any sense?

SueSylvesterforPM · 03/05/2011 09:40

the idea of my DP controlling all the finances and giving me an allowance is the marriage my granparents had in the 50's/60's terrifies me I'm neccessarily saying yours it that extreme OP just the general jist.

I think children are literal creature is you are a SAHM with a toddler? you will spend an awful lot of time cleaning etc its just part of the course just explain to her thats not all mummies do? and perhaps the 'your dad will fix it' should be changed.

superv1xen · 03/05/2011 09:51

hello OP

i am the same as you, i am trying to raise my DC to not see certain things as "what mummy does" ie cleaning, tidying, laundry etc. mine are 5 and nearly 2.

so i make sure DH does his fair share too, visibly to the dc! and i also think its very important to get them doing jobs as well from an early age. my 5 YO tidies his own room, puts his dirty laundry in the washing machine, puts his cups/plates etc in the sink after dinner and tidies his bedroom every day. even my littlest "helps" me by putting away her toys in her toybox and she also loves passing me and DH the washed clothes when we hang them on the line.

i grew up seeing my mum do EVERYTHING :( and my dad do bugger all, so i grew up thinking that was the norm, and i don't want that for my dc. and i want to raise DS to become a considerate man who doesn't see domestic stuff as "womens work" like so many men do. and i also want DD to know that stuff is as much for men to do as women.

hope thats helped.

Bramshott · 03/05/2011 10:16

To go back to the OP:

It's also about how you react to what she says - she's only 3 and just trying to make sense of the world.

So when she says "Mummy does the cleaning", you say "well all grown ups have to do the cleaning - Mummy does the hoovering in the daytime, and then daddy washes up after dinner / washes the car / takes out the rubbish (or whatever he does do)"

And when she says "Mummies sit in the passenger seat" you say "well sometimes Mummies drive, and sometimes Daddies drive"

But the "Daddy will fix that / ask Daddy about that" you have to knock on the head. That one is easy to change. Just say "I'll fix that later" or "I'll think about that later".

Good luck - once you've realised that your DD models her future behaviour on yours now, the floodgates will have opened! I am so much more of a feminist now that I am a mother to 2 DDs!

superv1xen · 03/05/2011 10:26

i also very much agree with bramshott's post above.

Original poster
Lovemy2babies · 03/05/2011 11:35

Bramshott - Your suggestions on clear communication and explanation to my 3 yr old DD is great, when DD first said this to me I was rather offended and thought is that all I am worth?

However I now realise this is all she sees so I am going to make more of an effort to talk about my past life before children and talk about more of my hobbies and interests.

V1xen my mum was/is the same so I thought thats what I was that was what a wife should do.

God how wrong am I?!

Alice- We will work on a more equal setup and hopefully that should enable us to be more considerate to each other without mothering each other.

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 03/05/2011 12:04

What a lovely thread :)

It's great that you are thinking about this stuff, and really cheering to hear so many other parents say they are doing so too. Maybe things can really change?

scottishmummy · 03/05/2011 12:12

go and work dont solely be sahp
role model jobs and oppurtunities outwith home,and domesticity
if you really want your kids to think mummy contributes,then start working and demonstrate it
if your kids (male and female) see mum solely to domestic and mumsy stuff,then little wonder they think its womens work

get a course,volunteer demonstrably do interesting stuff

Original poster
Lovemy2babies · 03/05/2011 12:39

scottishmummy - And when I go out to work where will my 3 year old and my 10 month old baby be?

I do an evening course when kids are in bed.

Also the same with volunteering, what do you want me to do with the children?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemy2babies · 03/05/2011 12:41

Thank you ElephantsAndMiasmas :)

I have always been a femenist at heart and it is somthing I want to pass on to my DD's without them having to second guess thier equality.

OP posts:
LiliesandVeuve · 03/05/2011 12:45

don't worry too much.
my DS thinks I play with his toys all day when he is at nursery!
it was probably just the first word she thought of!

InmaculadaConcepcion · 03/05/2011 13:23

A very thought-provoking thread!

As mum to a toddler it's made me think about our domestic set-up. As it happens, DH does more of the domestic chores than me, despite being the wage-earner, so that's okay.

Hadn't thought of the driving thing, though. I usually sit in the back and keep DD entertained - DH is happy to drive and I don't particularly enjoy driving, so I'm just as happy to let him do it. I think I may make a bit more of an effort to get behind the wheel after reading this.

OmicronPersei8 · 03/05/2011 13:44

I volunteer, I do it all from home. I fit it in as and when - it's not a paid job, no set hours, and my family do come first. It's been great though, I've met new people, we talk about something other than our children, and DD knows that when I'm emailing etc that's my 'work'. Volunteering takes many different forms, you'd be surprised what you could find that fits in with family life.

And being a SAHP is valid - it's just about finding a balance. It's good for DC to see you having some kind of a personal life too, with outside interests.

Original poster
Lovemy2babies · 03/05/2011 14:33

Omicron - if you dont mind me asking, what kind of volunteering do you do from home?

OP posts:
noodle69 · 03/05/2011 15:08

I am not a SAHM as I work part time but I wouldnt ever make my husbands sandwiches or iron his clothes. He makes his lunchbox with our daughter every morning before work whilst I get dressed.

I dont think it matters about the money thing. I am 100% in charge of our money and my husband comes to me every time he wants to buy anything. I dont think it matters though tbh its just how we do things.

OmicronPersei8 · 03/05/2011 16:05

I'll pm you! I like to keep it all separate from my MNing. My RL name goes out on lots of publications.

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