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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

I'll put this here as you lot might understand... warning upsetting content

57 replies

ManicPanic · 01/05/2011 12:08

Hi y'all

I am a fairly frequent lurker on the feminism topics, I haven't namechanged for this.

I am going to go to the police next week and report 'historic child abuse' from when I was 7/8/9 years old.

I have talked about this in other areas of the board and been told that mumsnet is not the place for it and am I sure I have not misinterpreted his actions etc which really fucked me off so I am putting this here in the hope that you guys will 'get it' / understand me (which I think you will)

I am, to put it politely, bricking it. To sit in a room with strangers and tell them, in detail, what this man did to me. What seems to lessen it in some peoples eyes is that he was 11 years old at the time - though no less a sociopathic, manipulative practised abuser for all that. I know that as far as he is concerned, he owns me. I have suffered for over 20 years because of his legacy. No exaggeration. My relationships, my view of sex, my (non-existent) trust in people, my confidence out in the world (again, zero) all have all been poisoned by him.

It all came out when I was 13 (as I basically lost the plot, started screaming about it and couldn't stop) and I had my idiot teachers and my evil mother explaining calmly how it was perfectly normal what he did to me (so all 8 year olds should have someones hand shoved down their knickers regularly? Really?) and how I was being over sensitive and overreacting and so on. Brushed under the carpet. mum said she might speak to his parents, decided the next day she wouldn't and that was the end of it.

It seems to me no matter how hysterical idiots people get about 'peedos' when it comes to children disclosing abuse nobody believes them, or they tell them that they are being silly. Sad This is killing me. I had a breakdown last october (because of this and other issues) and I can't take anymore. I need to report him. i almost don't care what happens after that, I need to stand up and tell what he is. I am concerned other chilldren are at risk now. I hope that isn't the case but I don't imagine the bastard will have changed (if at 11 he had grooming down to a fine art....?)

Please reassure me that I will be able to do it and that I am doing the right thing. (I know I am)

OP posts:
SueSylvesterforPM · 01/05/2011 12:38

you are doing the right thinking I'm sorry you're mother isnt more supportive.

Prolesworth · 01/05/2011 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

snowmama · 01/05/2011 13:09

You are doing the right thing, is there anyone at all in to who can hold your hand through the process?

If not there are lots of kind people here who will be supportive. Wishing you all the best.

noncuro · 01/05/2011 14:15

I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to express support and say good luck.

If you need some help while you're giving a statement just think about your concern this may happen to other children. It'll be extremely hard for you but by doing so you are potentially stopping this from happening to others.

I'm sorry that you haven't had the support you should have but for what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing.

GitAwfMayLend · 01/05/2011 14:22

God almighty manic I am so, so sorry. What a hideous thing to have had to endure, and to have to keep on enduring.

I am astonished that people said that Mn is not the place to talk about such things. Really astonished. I have spoken about my abusive past (in chat, so it disappears)aND HAVE had nothing but support.

I am really sorry - do you have any RL support (apart from your ghaslty mother of ocurse).

Keep posting here anyway, I am sure this thread won't run the same course as the last one.

BeakerTheMuppetMuppet · 01/05/2011 14:27

I'm so glad you are doing this, ManicPanic and am also right beside you as you do it.

I have so much admiration for you right now and Prolesworth, you talk a lot of sense.

dittany · 01/05/2011 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flippinada · 01/05/2011 16:07

Sorry you have been through this Manic. I believe you and I'm sure you will find lots of support on here.

flippinada · 01/05/2011 16:08

I agree that you should report him if that's what you want to do.

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 01/05/2011 16:29

Oh shit manicpanic I'm so sorry :( what a horrible thing to happen. Not just the actual abuse, but the aftermath. or rather the lack of aftermath iyswim.

"mum said she might speak to his parents, decided the next day she wouldn't and that was the end of it."

that makes me SO angry. I was abused by my mums half brother who was around 16 (well 12yrs older than me anyway, I'm not sure exactly how old I was but it continued over a year or two). I didn't tell until I was 13. I told a teacher first and obviously she was obliged to tell police. Mum made up excuses for him, and begged me not to go to court so I didn't. So I think the reason the above quote upsets me is that I know if I'd told her first - whether at the time or in my teens - it wouldn't have gone any further. I just know.

Sorry I'm not helping am I, just waffling about my own stuff. Sorry.

Anyway of course you're scared, manic, I don't know why anyone should tell you otherwise. But you will get through it. You are so brave - being brave isn't about 'not being scared', it's about being fucking terrified and doing it anyway - you aren't running away, you are doing the right thing and I really admire you.

I am astounded that you've had such reactions on MN. :(

Original poster
ManicPanic · 01/05/2011 17:04

Thanks all. I think because of peoples' reactions in the past I have a tendancy to want to say 'you do believe me don't you? don't you?!'

Freud I'm really not sure which makes me feel worse - the abuse or the (under) reaction to it. My bitch of a mother pulled the same trick with other stuff as well, some of which was just as serious. Thank you for telling me about your experience - believe it or not it does make me feel more normal! Will pm you if that is okay (re your current thread)

OP posts:
FreudianSlipOnACrown · 01/05/2011 17:25

That's fine :)

TeiTetua · 01/05/2011 17:53

First, I'm sorry that this happened to you and that you didn't get any sympathy at the time.

But I think that at this point, it's a matter for therapy and not criminal pursuit.

baskingseals · 01/05/2011 18:11

manic wanted to add my support.

also experienced sexual abuse at a young age.
do it for those who feel they can't

parakeet · 01/05/2011 18:15

You poor thing. I am sure you are doing the right thing in going to the police. Who knows who else he might be harming even now?

ThisIsANiceCage · 01/05/2011 18:16

Haven't seen your previous threads, manicpanic, but am aghast at those reactions on MN. So so sorry you've been through any of this.

I completely support and greatly admire your decision to go to the police.

Agree completely that the man may be a risk to other children, and the police are in a good position to join the dots about this. I also hope it gives you validation to be making an official statement of the truth - such a necessary Step Zero before moving forward.

Will be rooting for you next week. Best of British.

KvetaBarry · 01/05/2011 19:12

also will be rooting for you next week - you're absolutely doing the right thing, and I hope you're taken very seriously indeed. it's a very brave thing to do. best of luck to you.

aliceliddell · 01/05/2011 19:31

Would Rape Crisis be any help to you? I'm sure they could suggest other sources of support. Until then, you will get unconditional support on here. You're doing really well.

InmaculadaConcepcion · 01/05/2011 20:12

It sounds like there's every likelihood this man will have continued to be abusive to the unfortunate girls and women who have crossed his path, assuming no one has ever tried to stop him.

As someone said upthread, your testimony may be at the very least a crucial witness statement if this man has already been reported to the police.

And yes, I suspect if you haven't already explored that avenue, counselling is something worth pursuing.

I'm so sorry this has cast a blight over your life, Manic. But you are fighting it now and with determination, you will get rid of the hold he has over your confidence and ability to find true intimacy with another human being. You can re-own your life again and live it according to your own desires. Your decision to take action shows you are brave and strong.

Good luck and please keep posting, we are a very supportive lot here to any woman who has suffered/is suffering at the hands of a man.

Original poster
ManicPanic · 01/05/2011 21:37

Without all the counselling that I've been lucky enough to have, I don't think that I would have reached this stage at all!

My dh is very supportive and would like to come in with me when I make a statement. He knows an awful lot about what happened, but I've never said it all out loud, in detail before, you know, properly. I'm worried that I won't be able to do it and I'll turn into a wailing mess. I want to do it right. I'm angry, not hysterical (okay, maybe slightly hysterical)

OP posts:
GitAwfMayLend · 01/05/2011 21:38

I don't know anything about it, but perhaps Rape Crisis would be helpful. I also found childline to be enormously helpful (didn't call them in childhood, did so in early 20s and they were helpful).

I believe you. I am so angry on your behalf that you were not believed as a 13 year old and an adult on here. Actually i am still astounded that people disbelieved you on here. That is NOT my experience of mumsnet. Blunt, sniping and argumentative, yes, but in general this forum is very supportive. I am so sorry that you have seen the bad side of it.

I wish you luck in what you decide to do - and you are absiolutely justified to be angry. However, sometimes family are the least supportive and loving people in ones life. I hope you have friends and/partner who believe you.

baskingseals · 01/05/2011 21:40

role play it before you go
could you do it with your dh?

i have a lot of admiration for you

Original poster
ManicPanic · 01/05/2011 23:11

I think that i'm going to write it all down. I've never told anybody all of it, ever, not everything. If I have to I could read it out to them in interview I suppose!

Don't want to think about it though. But I know I have to.

OP posts:
InmaculadaConcepcion · 02/05/2011 06:46

Writing it all down, although painful to do, might be helpful in itself. That's a good idea.

And you're definitely NOT hysterical. Angry, yes - you have every right to be! Don't be ashamed of those feelings.

He's the one that should be ashamed.

sakura · 02/05/2011 09:23

I think criminal pursuit is a very good way to go about dealing with this.

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