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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

'That' thread....

114 replies

Janos · 04/02/2011 19:19

You probably know which one I'm referring to.

I have found it very upsetting to read because I have been in an almost identical situation to the OP :(

I was raped by a so called friend - it happened several years ago. I won't go into the details because I find it too upsetting to talk about. Suffice to say it was a bloody horrible experience.

I have been so distressed by some of the attitudes on that thread on that thread, but also heartened (if thats the right word) to read the comments from Rhadegunde, Dittany, IngridBergman, Blinder and others (sorry if have missed anyone out).

I don't feel able to post on there but wanted to say a heartfelt thank you. I'm glad there are women like you out there.

OP posts:

msrisotto · 04/02/2011 19:21

I found the thread disturbing too Janos. Some people are blinkered.

nickytwotimes · 04/02/2011 19:24

yep, same here.

KerryMumbles · 04/02/2011 19:27

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KerryMumbles · 04/02/2011 19:29

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nickytwotimes · 04/02/2011 19:38

see, i didn't get involved for that reason, because i wasn't there and am not that person and it isn't my call. only she knows what it was.
it was more just some of the comments about rape in genral that depressed me.

Original poster

Janos · 04/02/2011 19:42

Yes there are some shocking comments on there. Though I'm not surprised those attitudes are out there it's always unpleasant to see them being articulated.

I remember going to see a counsellor afterwards. I described the experience and how upset I was and have never forgetten her saying 'Why did you let him do that to you?'

OP posts:

nickytwotimes · 04/02/2011 19:49

that's awful janos.

i had similar from my mum. i know others must have thought it.

Sharkadder · 04/02/2011 19:51

I think perhaps people are so keen to say "well why didn't you"/"why did you"/other victim-blaming stuff is because if they can convince themselves that the bad thing happened because of something the victim did/didn't do, then it won't happen to them because of course they would do things differently.

So many times I've seen on forums, basically, 'if you didn't fight then how was he supposed to know?', 'if you were raped then why haven't you called the police?', 'maybe he thought you were into it', 'you didn't say no' (as in, the word no, apparently yelling no is the only way to indicate non-consent).

Oh and the pervasive belief that rape is only rape if a woman is dragged into a dark alleyway.

Perhaps some of the posters are protecting themselves, in a way, from events in their own pasts (or presents), which they don't want to interrogate too closely.

msrisotto · 04/02/2011 19:52

sigh Kerry, I see it like someone saying - Someone took my wallet off me, but I wasn't mugged. They can say they weren't mugged all they like, they can say the grass isn't green and the sky isn't blue. I however, will think differently. This isn't however another opportunity to debate this topic though.

KerryMumbles · 04/02/2011 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

charitygirl · 04/02/2011 19:55

It's not about whether the OP was raped Kerry. Clearly some posters found the subject matter triggering, and I don't blame them for wanting somewhere else to talk about it.

I didn't but I did find the many posts going on about the OP tacitly consenting to sex by inviting him for coffee/saying she should have thought about his partner/'taking responsibility for her actions' very depressing.

nickytwotimes · 04/02/2011 19:57

yep, this thread is not about whether that person wasc assaulted/raped or not.

it's about some of the comments.

karmakameleon · 04/02/2011 19:58

I think it's more likely to fuck someone up by saying that they should have known better than to invite a man in their house if they didn't want sex and that they were obviously gagging for it even though they said they weren't interested. But some people seem to think that's ok.

karmakameleon · 04/02/2011 19:59

That was to Kerry btw

chosenonesparklyglitterybow · 04/02/2011 20:01

TBH it got me thinking about a weird sexual encounter I had when at Uni, I woke up from a drunken slumber to find a lad from my Halls having sex with me!! But....I sort of got into in a drunken/sleepy way. The next morning I woke up, he was gone and I felt shocked/disgusted/confused etc but made myself forget about it until THAT thread, all very unsettling.

KerryMumbles · 04/02/2011 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Janos · 04/02/2011 20:03

Yeah I found it triggering too charitygirl.

The 'if you invited him in its your fault' attitude was just vile. It makes me so, so angry.

nickytwotimes - it was AWFUL. I was so upset I just 'took it' IYSWIM - and at the time I did blame myself (why didn't I let him in, why didn't I realise that was what he wanted etc).

A while afterwards I got up the courage to call rape crisis who were wonderful which made me realise how awful her attitude was. After that I remember thinking OMG how dare she say that to me!

OP posts:

TrillianAstra · 04/02/2011 20:03

I agree with Kerry.

I'm sorry for what happened to you, but it really doesn't sound like what you experienced was the same situation as the OP of that thread.

That sounds like a shockingly awful counsellor.

penelopestitsdropped · 04/02/2011 20:04

I am often bemused by the attitudes some women on Mn show towards rape.

I did not read that thread because i knew where it was going from the off.

If she had had the definition of rape explained to her many times and yet was still certain that she had not been raped then i agree, it will not have been helpfull to try and convince her otherwise.

But as i say, i didn't read the thread.

penelopestitsdropped · 04/02/2011 20:06

Do you think, OP, that maybe the counsellor was trying to get you to explore your own feelings surrounding the rape.

I know that it has obviously been percieved by you as a direct accusation but i am sure she wouldn't have meant it in that way.

Counsellors are known to play devils advocate at times in order to help us argue with ourselves. Do you think it may have been that?

Coleysworth · 04/02/2011 20:13

Really sorry to hear what happened to you Janos, and my heart goes out to anyone else who found that thread triggering :(

Yes, the thread has been very upsetting to read and thank goodness there are voices of reason on there to counter the shite comments.

I can't understand the attitude of some of the posters on there who think it's somehow more 'caring' to reinforce the OP's initial feeling that she had done something wrong or something to feel ashamed about. I don't understand how those who have said that actually it was the man that did something very wrong can be accused of disrespecting the OP. It's a crazy piece of doublethink

Original poster

Janos · 04/02/2011 20:22

I appreciate the sympathy, thank you, but I didn't start this thread so people would feel sorry for me.

Penelope - perhaps she was. But at the time, I felt devastated. It reinforced the feeling I had of 'I am to blame for this'.

OP posts:

Coleysworth · 04/02/2011 20:28

I know you weren't looking for sympathy - sorry if my post came across that way. It felt wrong not to acknowledge it before I started moaning about the idiot comments on that thread, iyswim. Sorry Janos

SardineQueen · 04/02/2011 20:29

I thought that the comments on that thread which said that if you invite a man in for coffee then what do you expect were terrible TBH and I'm sorry for anyone who has been in a situation like that and had to read those comments.

I have been in a situation like that too and it wasn't my fault, it was his.

It was not the fault of any of the women who have been attacked by acquaintances.

RumourOfAHurricane · 04/02/2011 20:30

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