Protect our daughters (and sons)- a "toolkit "

[Thandeka]

Following on from this thread about "small" sexual assualts. I realised to my horror that most women I know have experienced sexual bullying. I have a 9month old daughter. I don't want her to experience the things I have but I also am very worried that things are actually getting worse in our increasingly sexualised culture. And it's not just girls who are the victims of sexual bullying it's boys too. And both can be the perpetrators.

I work in education and currently am writing a resource for schools around sexual bullying compiling all the fab resources from NSPCC, Womankind, Brook etc.

But am thinking maybe we need a support pack for parents around this too- sort of a toolkit of ideas for how to address this with our kids to try and protect them as much as possible from this (from both being victims and perpetrators).

Am just musing really but wondered if more experienced parents of older children might want to share ideas on how they try to protect their kids from sexual bullying.

I'll start (although not a parent of an older kid I work with teenagers!): I really like to share the NSPCC/Womankind definition of Sexual Bullying here and discuss with the kids:

The NSPCC working definition of Sexual Bullying
(adapted from the definition provided by WOMANKIND Worldwide)
NSPCC Registered charity numbers 216401 and SC037717
Any bullying behaviour, whether physical or non-physical, that is based on a person?s
sexuality or gender. It is when sexuality or gender is used as a weapon by boys or girls
towards other boys or girls ? although it is more commonly directed at girls. It can be
carried out to a person?s face, behind their back or through the use of technology.
For example:
? Teasing or putting someone down because of:

• their sex life (e.g. because they haven?t had sex or if they?ve had sex

with a number of people)

• their sexuality (e.g. making fun of someone for being homosexual)
• their body (e.g. the size of their breasts, bottom or muscles)

? Using words that refer to someone?s sexuality in a derogatory way (like calling something ?gay? to mean that it is not very good) ? Using sexual words to put someone down (like calling someone ?slut? or ?bitch?) ? Making threats or jokes about serious and frightening subjects like rape ? Spreading rumours about someone?s sexuality and sex life ? including graffiti, texts and msn ? Touching parts of someone?s body that they don?t want to be touched ? Putting pressure on someone to act in a sexual way

Cama - I only found that info a couple of years ago, so 42 for me!

I think that one of the most important thing for girls, is that they actually know about their own bodies and aren't taught myths... I kind of assumed that seeing as how this is now up to date research, it would have been disseminated everywhere and our children's generation would know this - but judging by that website, that's not the case.

Fraid it isn't being disseminated widely in schools at anyroad.
I love scarleteen!

Why isn't it disseminated Thandeka?

Who's in charge of this type fo thing?

Herbeautitude, thank you for your 'yes means yes' post:

Absolutely right. Totally true, and totally relevant. Have copied and pasted so I can remember and shoehorn in to any appropriate situation where I am teaching teenagers. Thanks again for the different angle - feel it would be an epiphany for many.

Great suggestions so far, I've been thinking a lot about this myself after some recent threads.

How about something along the lines of discussing/opening up with girls in particular why 'receiving sexual attention' doesn't equate to 'you are high value' and a raising of social status, despite eg a lot of music videos perpetrating that myth. It's such a pernicious media myth, and, thinking back to my own teenage years, I think it's one thing that leads girls to accept unwanted sexual attention and not challenge it. We're conditioned that receiving sexual attention should make us feel good and raise our self esteem. The messages are confusing and at that age you're too immature to unpick them. Have I explained that in a way that makes sense?

You're welcome Adair!

Something else struck me about no means no - in research that was done on young men, they were asked if they said No directly, straight out, if a woman came on to them who they didn't want to shag. They were all horrified by the suggestion - the general gist of the response was - OMG, no, that would be so harsh, you'd feel such a bastard - you'd say "oh, I'm not feeling too well tonight" or, "I've got an important presentation tomorrow" or "I'm still not quite sure I'm ready to see someone else yet after my last girlfriend" or some other excuse to let her down gently.

So even the sex which has been brought up to say No, to express their wishes and desires far more clearly than females are, have difficulty coming straight out and saying NO so baldly. And yet, when they were shown a video where a girl was raped, they all said it wasn't rape, because she didn't say no.

I'm not sure how the researcher's conversation went with them after that. But it's worth pointing out the double standard - they would find it excruciatingly embarrassing to express themselves directly about not wanting sex, they'd want to spare the woman's feelings and not make her feel rejected. And yet, they expected women, who are brought up to feel ten times more pressure to consider other people's feelings than they are, to throw off a lifetime's conditioning at a point where they were most vulnerable and distressed, and come right out with that impossible No.

It really, really struck me and it should be required discussion in a teenage classroom IMO.

Quodlibet yes you have.

It's often struck me on here, when some posters say that they are complimented by white van drivers wolf-whistling them. One doesn't wish to be rude, but I have in the past pointed out that man making comment about your tits/ eyes/ arse/ wolf-whistling does not equate to them admiring you - quite the opposite, you could be anyone - you're just a random cunt that happens to be attached to a woman, and that's how they're seeing you, not the other way round. They're whistling at you to remind you that you're just a cunt and you shouldn't get above yourself by imagining that you might actually be a full human being.

Women should understand this.

HerBeatitude- Who bloody knows at the min! Latest I heard was:
?Policy update by Sarah Teather ? Children?s Minister with responsibility for teenage pregnancy

We are currently reviewing the curriculum, including the place of sex and relationships education (SRE) within it. We will be announcing our plans later this year. But whatever the status of SRE in future, we are clear that it should focus more on relationships.?

Given that sex ed is already in a dire state and needs statutory status for schools to give it attention it deserves then unfortunately I fear the "breaking the hymen" myth is unlikely to be combatted in schools, especially because it serves a purpose to "strike fear into kids re. sex. Sigh! And don't get me started how many anatomy lessons don't include the clitoris- just the internals. Grrrrrr!

HerBeatitude- have blogged about this hymen issue here:
sexedukation.wordpress.com/2010/11/17/have-you-got-a-vulva-no-i-drive-a-volkswagen/

is a blog for sex educators.

May help.

well done Sexed, get that info out there!

Amazing that a site like that is so misleading, isn't it?

Just shows how truly unimportant women are. They can't even be arsed to get our anatomy right.