Protect our daughters (and sons)- a "toolkit "

[Thandeka]

Following on from this thread about "small" sexual assualts. I realised to my horror that most women I know have experienced sexual bullying. I have a 9month old daughter. I don't want her to experience the things I have but I also am very worried that things are actually getting worse in our increasingly sexualised culture. And it's not just girls who are the victims of sexual bullying it's boys too. And both can be the perpetrators.

I work in education and currently am writing a resource for schools around sexual bullying compiling all the fab resources from NSPCC, Womankind, Brook etc.

But am thinking maybe we need a support pack for parents around this too- sort of a toolkit of ideas for how to address this with our kids to try and protect them as much as possible from this (from both being victims and perpetrators).

Am just musing really but wondered if more experienced parents of older children might want to share ideas on how they try to protect their kids from sexual bullying.

I'll start (although not a parent of an older kid I work with teenagers!): I really like to share the NSPCC/Womankind definition of Sexual Bullying here and discuss with the kids:

The NSPCC working definition of Sexual Bullying
(adapted from the definition provided by WOMANKIND Worldwide)
NSPCC Registered charity numbers 216401 and SC037717
Any bullying behaviour, whether physical or non-physical, that is based on a person?s
sexuality or gender. It is when sexuality or gender is used as a weapon by boys or girls
towards other boys or girls ? although it is more commonly directed at girls. It can be
carried out to a person?s face, behind their back or through the use of technology.
For example:
? Teasing or putting someone down because of:

• their sex life (e.g. because they haven?t had sex or if they?ve had sex

with a number of people)

• their sexuality (e.g. making fun of someone for being homosexual)
• their body (e.g. the size of their breasts, bottom or muscles)

? Using words that refer to someone?s sexuality in a derogatory way (like calling something ?gay? to mean that it is not very good) ? Using sexual words to put someone down (like calling someone ?slut? or ?bitch?) ? Making threats or jokes about serious and frightening subjects like rape ? Spreading rumours about someone?s sexuality and sex life ? including graffiti, texts and msn ? Touching parts of someone?s body that they don?t want to be touched ? Putting pressure on someone to act in a sexual way

aargh I feel like this is one of those "hilarious examples of where missing punctuation leads to confusion".

How does this sound?

Don't accept boys will be boys

becomes

Don't accept [the excuse that] "boys will be boys"

Boys need to be taught that they will come under a lot of pressure to commit sexual assault (call it by its name), be that by word or deed - that friends, colleagues, the media, maybe even family will tell them that "boys will be boys", that girls like it, that they're asking for it, that it's not a big deal.

They need to be warned about this, and they need to be told that if they bow to peer pressure and commit these assaults then it's their fault. Life is tough, but "being one of the lads" is not an excuse.

And I do think it needs to be about the boys, and what they can do to not be that man, not what girls can do to protect themselves.

Maybe that would have the added benefit gettting men to start calling it when they see it too (and I know many do).

Make sure boys and girls know what the definitions are, that if girls say "no" they mean "no", I hate this idea that girls only say "no" as a tease and "no" is meaningless.

Girls need to get assertive and to be taught about abusive and bullying behaviours, including the emotional bullying that can then lead to sexual assaults so they recognise the early signs and make their escape. Many of the relationship abuse threads on MN could have been avoided if people knew more about the abuse cycle and abusive behaviours.

Remove the belief that girls should be compliant and not make a fuss. Remove the belief that manliness is commensurate with bragging about sex and trying to endlessly get sex.

ElephantsAndMiasmas The Haven produce a fab leaflet for young people dispelling rape myths with definitions etc. Am just waiting for a call back from them to see if I can get it electronically. If I can I will post a link.

Dittany - why do you have to be so unpleasant? I queried your use of a phrase that I thought was a bit unreasonable. You could have explained to me that you were using it ironically - ie 'boys will be boys' instead of as it was which did imply that you shared those sentiments.

But instead you reacted quite angrily and, IMO, repeated your original assertion. I tried to explain myself and apologised for upsetting you. But that makes me 'disgusting' and apparently I am 'doing it on purpose' . Well thanks. I won't bother coming here again.

elephants - thanks for trying to explain. I guess that what you said was what dittany meant but why she couldn't just explain clearly in the first place I don't know.

Don't know if it's been mentioned but how about not putting girls/women down because of their hormonal changes? I remember being upset about things and boys saying it was because I was 'on the blob' as if that could be the only reason I might be upset.

How about advice for young men on what to do / who they can talk to if someone they know is sexually harassing/bullying people? The culture of silence around all of this affects boys and men as well, no-one knows what to "do with it". I think it would be useful for young men to know that they can and should tell someone, and who.

Also worth pointing out that much of this behaviour is illegal. It's not just "naughty".

For girls - tricky. I agree that they need to be taught to be assertive - but how to do that when the rest of our culture directs girls to be compliant?

I'm also not sure that being assertive would have helped in many of the situations on the others thread. The trick is to get men to stop doing it, isn't it.

trying to teach them a few possible things to say maybe?

It would be good to get girls in a group role playing saying no, go away, i'm going to call the police, whatever you're supposed to say in those situations. I suspect it is easier to say if you've said it out loud before IYSWIM. (I have never said anything like that out loud, I'm an under the breath-mutterer).

Boys really need to know the truth about the rape stats, and about supporting victims as well. Bad things might happen to their sisters or friends and they need to know the truth so that they can help rather than hinder. I feel angry that even my lovely DP says he wouldn't know what to do if one friend of his came to him saying another friend had raped her. believe believe believe is the message that needs to get through. Far better to believe initially and risk the teeny percentage chance that it's a lie, than be incredulous or suspicious to a real victim.

The idea that girls should always tell someone (parent, teacher), and that they will be believed and it will be taken seriously, and if appropriate the police will be involved and they will also take it seriously.

However in this current society I think it would be very misleading to tell girls that. So what then?

Following the thread about sexual abuse between a brother and sister MmeLindt started a thread here asking MNHQ about having a webchat with someone about chid protection issues etc.

Thought it was relevant to link in to here.

OP, what about raising the issue of consent amongst teens. What does consent mean? How do you know if someone is consenting to sexual activity?

dittany - I do see what you're saying about the assertiveness message putting it back onto the victim - I do but - can't the two go hand in hand at all....

It's so tempting for me to go down that line because I am the sort of person to "shout the odds".

Gosh, it's difficult isn't it because I can totally see how some situations/people just can't do that.

I suppose if there is a big push on campaigning for assertiveness then this gives even more license for boys/men to do things and then say "they didn't complain/shout etc" .

How about a campaign about our rights - right to personal space - right to not be intimitated etc.

I think that somewhere this notion that "nice girls don't shout" has to be countered but then that's part of combatting general sexism.

On the other thread I did like the suggestion of saying "Don't sexually assult me".

WRT to boundaries etc people are always astounded that I don't answer my door to uninvited salespeople etc.

Now really this is not because I think they are going to attack me - but it is my door and it will stay closed if I choose.

So I look through the glass and say "who is it" - they say "ooh come to tell you about our offers about windows/driveway/XYZ".

And I say "I don't open the door to uninivted callers thank you" - well then number of enraged men who have left my doorstep - some shouting and muttering (WTF?!). They seem to feel entitled to my time at an open door way.

Similarly the other day in a check out queue - woman engaged DS 3.0 in chat - he was and didn't understand her and hid! - I am not "apologising" to this woman and getting him to bloody talk to her. For general politeness I did smile and say "oh thanks for talking to my DS but he doesn't want to talk to you - that's ok - he doesn't know you" but I could feel her giving me the look.

So teaching my DS to do what he wants to do in those sorts of situations is my addition to the "toolkit".

Thandeka, if you're suggesting ideas for schools my first thought is that having it delivered by men would make a big difference.

Stamping out homophobic bullying - definitely part of the toolkit. (from today's Independent).

There are several different scenarios that need to be addressed.

I think any 'toolkit' needs to provide for boys in the role as victim too. Boys do get assaulted by (usually) adult males or older boys sometimes and this is a hard situation to explain. Especially when the perpetrator is likely to be someone they know.

I have two boys who I have tried to educate in this, no-one but themselves and perhaps a doctor is allowed to touch their genitals.

This part of any toolkit could be aimed at both boys and girls perhaps.

Oh - has anyone mentioned some materials WRT porn, in terms of "they are actors, this is not what most people's real sex lives look like, here's why this might not be a good way to actually conduct your sex life".

Assertiveness training for girls would be VVV good IMO, not to do with sexual assault as we are talking about it on the other thread. More to do with having the strength and confidence to say NO to activities they don't want to engage in, or don't enjoy. So you don't have to say yes to giving blowjobs to "make up for" not wanting to have full sex for example. Boys will not die if they don't have sex, and telling them to go and have a wank is always an option. Think there is a real culture of girl's being made to feel responsible for men's sexuality, and lots of consenting going on on the surface, that deep down the girls are uncomfortable with. (Perhaps boys too depending on relationship dynamic). The message that "if s/he pressures you into anything, or s/he dumps you for not touching/fucking him/her, s/he is an arsehole who is not worth keeping" needs to be got out there.

God schools are so prissy about talking about sex aren't they. Our sex education teacher was the RE teacher who would rather have died than refer to sex as anything other than "slap and tickle" or similar.