Protect our daughters (and sons)- a "toolkit "

[Thandeka]

Following on from this thread about "small" sexual assualts. I realised to my horror that most women I know have experienced sexual bullying. I have a 9month old daughter. I don't want her to experience the things I have but I also am very worried that things are actually getting worse in our increasingly sexualised culture. And it's not just girls who are the victims of sexual bullying it's boys too. And both can be the perpetrators.

I work in education and currently am writing a resource for schools around sexual bullying compiling all the fab resources from NSPCC, Womankind, Brook etc.

But am thinking maybe we need a support pack for parents around this too- sort of a toolkit of ideas for how to address this with our kids to try and protect them as much as possible from this (from both being victims and perpetrators).

Am just musing really but wondered if more experienced parents of older children might want to share ideas on how they try to protect their kids from sexual bullying.

I'll start (although not a parent of an older kid I work with teenagers!): I really like to share the NSPCC/Womankind definition of Sexual Bullying here and discuss with the kids:

The NSPCC working definition of Sexual Bullying
(adapted from the definition provided by WOMANKIND Worldwide)
NSPCC Registered charity numbers 216401 and SC037717
Any bullying behaviour, whether physical or non-physical, that is based on a person?s
sexuality or gender. It is when sexuality or gender is used as a weapon by boys or girls
towards other boys or girls ? although it is more commonly directed at girls. It can be
carried out to a person?s face, behind their back or through the use of technology.
For example:
? Teasing or putting someone down because of:

• their sex life (e.g. because they haven?t had sex or if they?ve had sex

with a number of people)

• their sexuality (e.g. making fun of someone for being homosexual)
• their body (e.g. the size of their breasts, bottom or muscles)

? Using words that refer to someone?s sexuality in a derogatory way (like calling something ?gay? to mean that it is not very good) ? Using sexual words to put someone down (like calling someone ?slut? or ?bitch?) ? Making threats or jokes about serious and frightening subjects like rape ? Spreading rumours about someone?s sexuality and sex life ? including graffiti, texts and msn ? Touching parts of someone?s body that they don?t want to be touched ? Putting pressure on someone to act in a sexual way

Any more ideas?
Googling doesn't seem to be helping. Mostly around helping parents report sexual assault :(

Happy to share anything I write.

"Don't accept boys will be boys"

Dittany - that comment implies that being a rapist or a sexual bully is a natural state for boys. Is that really what you think?

Debunking rape myths - the equivalent needs to be done WRT attitudes to girls/boys who report sexual bullying. You could brainstorm some attitudes to the perpetrator/victim in various situation, e.g. boy groping girl in dinner queue, girl calling boy "homo", mixed group writing filthy messages on girl's facebook wall. You need to get the idea out that the victims are nearly always telling the truth, and that ALL the fault lies with the perpetrator.

If you could fit in something of that lovely "spidey sense" post on the other thread, and the importance of believing your children and being ready to defend/rescue them when they report, that would be nice.

Orm - not speaking for dittany but to me "don't accept boys will be boys" means "don't excuse bullying sexual behaviour from some boys on the grounds like 'boys will be boys', punish them and make them take responsibility for their actions, they are not helpless slaves of their hormones, they are choosing to act that way."

x-post. Hope it made sense.

Woah! Rein in that high horse dittany. I never said or implied anything of the sort and never would. But what did it mean?

Completely agree with dittany: don't bring up boys to be rapists. Teach boys how easy it is to misjudge a situation. Teach them that if they have any doubt that a girl (or boy) wants to be touched, then most likely she doesn't, and it is their responsibility to stop. Teach them testimonies from women looking back on assaults and how one comment about their tits can lead to them changing their lives.

The idea of active consent needs to become the norm IMO. Kids need to be taught that their bodies are their own and if ANYONE (not just "strangers" or "adults" as I was taught) touches them, or makes them feel uncomfortable, they can report and WILL be listened to. They also need to be taught about the concept of personal space, and that everyone has the right not to be touched unless they wish you to touch them.

Legal definitions of things like rape, including statutory rape, sexual assault and harrassment would be helpful too. Few people seem aware of whether things are/aren't rape. We certainly never got taught this in school.

Some comparison between sexist remarks and racist remarks might be good. That tends to shock people into realising what they are saying.

Also testimony from some former victims of sexual bullying about their experiences and what helped and what didn't (disbelieving parents for instance).

I think - I hope - there is going to be a swing towards advertising rape as something that men do to women, not something that women invite. There have been a few campaigns internationally. That can only help.

Sorry to upset you. But IMO that is exactly what the use of that phrase without quotation marks implied. I accept that is not what you meant but please don't get hoity with me - I am on the same side as you beleive it or not but I come from the position of having 2 boys to bring up as well as a girl, and I worry about how to do that properly in order to produce 2 right-thinking respectful men, as well as a confident, self-respecting woman. And a phrase such as that one, used in this context, implies I am on to a loser from that start

Right.

Girls need to taught that not only are their bodies their own, but they don't have to be pressurised into looking any particular way to fit in.

Be strident. If you don't like something that someone is doing, say so.

Boys - sex is not a right.

Not having sex does not make you a loser, anymore than not having sex makes a girl frigid. Sex isn't the be all and end all of life.

Orm - IMO "boys will be boys" used as an excuse in the context of sexual bullying implies you are onto a loser from the start. Saying "don't write sexual bullying off as 'boys will be boys', it is not a natural or inevitable consequence of being male, it is a choice made by the individual boy" implies that there is every hope of your boys making the right choices. It's the rape/assault excusers who like to wheel out the "boys will be boys" excuse, because it avoids having to blame individual men/boys for their behaviour. Unfortunately at the same time as giving men/boys a get out of jail free card (often literally), it tars them all with the same brush.

"Yes boys will be boys does imply you're on to a loser from the start which is why I said don't accept it"

Well I was right then! You think that boys are naturally sexual predators unless it's taught out of them? Well why the hell did you get so upset when I questioned it?

"it is not a natural or inevitable consequence of being male, it is a choice made by the individual boy" implies that there is every hope of your boys making the right choices"

Well that is what I think too. It isn't what dittany said and isn't what she seems to be repeating now.

BTW I apologised for upsetting you dittany, I didn't apologise for questioning you on your use of language.

OK OK no-one but you is ever has a righteous complaint or can have an opinion.

I'm off now.