My New BF suggested I do Kegels 😔

[Tunafish1974]

Hi ladies,

I am a mother of two in her early 40s and have been divorced for a few years. I recently started going out with a man. Around 2 months into our relationship, he casually brought the subject of pelvic floor exercises. He is a spiritual person and has a passion for tantra so he didn’t refer to these as Kegels or pelvic floor exercises but he said “have you heard of Yoni exercises?” and something along the lines of how in Tantra they are recommended for enhancing a couple’s sexual pleasure/connection. I can’t quite remember his exact words. I was absolutely mortified having had two babies over 10 lbs each, one of which came out of me in the most traumatic way possible and decimated all of my inner abdominal and pelvic muscles. He tells me my reaction to his suggestion was not normal and I was overly sensitive and triggered.

I wanted to see what others thought about this? Please share with me how you would react and whether I am indeed being overly sensitive. I really appreciate your thoughts in advance xx

So what if you are triggered, there's reasons for that are completely valid.

Off he pops...

I completely hear you, and I am sure his intention was something along those lines. But until I met him I had not even heard of Tantra and I know nothing about spiritual practices for couples. I work in banking 😂. But the issue for me isn’t his intention. My hurt is that he keeps bringing up my reaction as an example of my being “triggered” and overly sensitive. This is the worst example in my view… so early into a relationship, I am not married to him, we did not share the journey of me having had my kids and he has not been part of the mental and emotional process I went through due to the horrific effects the birth trauma had on my body / vagina esteem etc. And even AFTER i told him about all of this many times, he STILL continues to talk about my reaction 😔😔 . I feel exhausted trying to explain myself.

I think that someone who tries to make your response to something like wrong is actually wrong, how can how you personally feel be wrong? I’m divorced, mid 40’s, two traumatic births and my dp has never mentioned anything like this. This is a him issue, not a you issue, I suggest running for the hills early before there’s something else that he thinks you react badly to.
I would recommend doing pelvic floor exercises but not because of anything any man says to you, just so that you can go trampolining without needing the loo every 5 minutes and that’s from experience 😁

He tells me my reaction to his suggestion was not normal and I was overly sensitive and triggered.

I'd dump him for this response. It's not his place to tell you how you should feel about something. It shows a complete lack of respect and empathy.

Luckily you've found this out before you've invested too much time.

My hurt is that he keeps bringing up my reaction as an example of my being “triggered” and overly sensitive.

This is typical spiritual wanker talk unfortunately. They think they're SOoOoOo "evolved" that they can't possibly take responsibility for their own behaviour because they are so EnLiGhTeNeD that they can't possibly do wrong, and if you're upset by their behaviour or try to hold them accountable it's because you need to work on your spiritual growth, not because they were behaving like a selfish insufferable prick.

Dump him. If you really ends up missing him they are 10 a penny in any yoga centre.

Oh mate, just dump him. He’s not worth anyone more of your headspace.

When a man has wanked so much, gripping himself tightly, that a vagina is no longer a tight enough sensation for him to orgasm. Frequent in porn addicts.

(Sorry, not really first thing in the morning appropriate!)

He tells me my reaction to his suggestion was not normal and I was overly sensitive and triggered.

He doesn't get to tell you your feelings are wrong or invalid. That's called gaslighting!

I'd bin him for this negging more than the pelvic floor stuff.

What a twat.

Ooh can I cheekily ask your advice.

I’ve recently (well couple of years ago) started CrossFit. Really love it (I know a lot of physios are not keen on it because it encourages people to push themselves and lose form etc).

My pelvic floor has massively improved (I can sneeze without worry again) and I’m fitter and stronger and more mobile (and met a great crowd of CrossFit legends… those of us who are older than most there!)

So my question: my flexibility has improved and I’m starting to go deeper in my squats. I could go deeper than I do except for the fact I feel I might have a bit of inconsistence if I do. Not a embarrassment problem as I always wear “just in case” underwear but l stop because I presume stressing your pelvic floor in that way isn’t good. But then I wondered if it would actually help strengthen.

please don’t reply if it’s too cheeky a request - I was planning to book appointment and ask physio in the new year. But if you do have any insight would be great to hear it.

Op, sorry to highjack your thread. I agree with what pp have put more wittily that I ever could - I wouldn’t stay with him in the circumstances you’ve described.

This is because he is an emotionally stunted self-absorbed tosser, hiding his immaturity behind an incense-smoke screen of spirituality. You don't have to explain yourself to him. Walk away. If he exhausts you now, imagine how exhausting and controlling he will be if you get closer.

Yes. A misogynistic twat, by stealth. I effing hate this type. They hate women.

I'm getting Russel Brand vibes!