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Original poster

Sex hurts! Help!

55 replies

missbunnyrabbit · 26/12/2020 13:27

Sorry it's long, can anyone help? :(

I'm 25, never had a baby and have had several sexual partners. I've never before had any pain from sex. Have used condoms with most people very successfully, and sometimes the withdrawal method - never had to use lube, never had any pain. Dicks have always just gone in!

Then, in came my current boyfriend about 7 months ago now. I am very attracted to him. The thing is, he has a rather thick dick. I measured and it's 16cm circumference, and 7 inches long. I've never had such a big dick. This shouldn't be a problem though, with lube, right?

We used condoms at first, with no pain, but he kept going soft. I didn't have any pain. Then, we used the withdrawal method but he didn't go in very easily and it hurt a tiny tiny tiny bit (I assume because of his size) so I had to use lube for the first time. He always told me that I was very wet anyway. Then, I went on the minipill.

I can't pinpoint exactly when it started, but sex gradually has become very painful. Now, when he enters, it feels like sandpaper, burning, stinging. Even though he is covered in slippery lube. My vagina feels so so so sore and tender. It almost feels like a continuous carpet burn in my vagina. It lasts from as soon as his dick touches me until he's all the way in. And then, it will generally stop hurting and we can have sex normally. But on the odd occasion, it will carry on hurting with every thrust, and it is agony. I can't use tampons anymore because they hurt going in, and even just his finger trying to go in hurts. Bearing in mind, when we first met, he could fit A LOT of fingers in, no problem.

We've tried different lubes, and our current one is the slippiest lube you could imagine. We've tried all different positions, different foreplay. There seems to be no pattern to the pain!

I went to a doctor at a Sexual Health clinic and she looked inside, took swabs etc. She said it all looked normal and I had no infections.

I'm thinking causes could be:
-his dick has literally rubbed me raw, even though we use so much lube - but then the doctor said I wasn't red or irritated inside?
-my nerves have been damaged by something - his dick, the minipill, I don't know
-the minipill has somehow caused/contributed to this?

I have done so much research on this, and the closest thing seems to be Vulvodynia. Yet there seems to be no cure. It is upsetting to have this wrong with me. I get nervous at the thought of sex and have cried from the pain.

Has anyone suffered this? Or have any ideas?

OP posts:
Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 26/12/2020 13:31

One more thing to add, when we moved off condoms and had to use lube, the first lube caused us both to get thrush. We both got it sorted and it's never come back for me, although a couple of times it's come back for him.

Could the thrush have damaged my vagina?

OP posts:
DuchessofDerbyshire · 26/12/2020 14:25

Well...Smile I'm trying to imagine you with a tap measure and him allowing it to be sized.

Go to your GP and ask to be tested for thrush again.

And unless he's having sex with someone apart from you, he ought not to catch thrush. Men only get thrush from someone. So either you still have it, or he's got it somewhere else.

He can't have rubbed you raw unless you are having loads of sex all day long.

Maybe you are reacting to the lube? You could be allergic to it.

And pleeeeeeeeeeease dont' use the withdrawal method unless you want a baby. I doesn't work. Do you know sperm is also released before men come?

DuchessofDerbyshire · 26/12/2020 14:26

Oh and don't keep having sex if it hurts. It's not compulsory to have sex with a bloke and if he's insisting you do, ditch him.

minipie · 26/12/2020 14:32

Could the thrush have damaged my vagina?

I had exactly what you describe after a bout of thrush, about 10 years ago. The thrush cleared up but I was left with bad soreness during sex and a sort of paper cut type feeling in various areas on my inner labia.

It was eventually diagnosed by a specialist dermatological consultant as vulval eczema. In other words the thrush had set off an eczeme type allergic reaction on my bits. I got prescribed steroid cream for it (but to be used cautiously as the skin there is very thin).

I’m afraid it took me a couple of years of having very little sex, and using the cream when it got bad, to get rid of it. Even now I find it can come back if I have sex several times too close together.

It was nothing to do with size (same partner as I’d had for years) I think it caused by the thrush, and probably having sex while I had thrush.

TreacleHart · 26/12/2020 14:37

Sorry no suggestions. But feeling bored , I measured just above my wrist on my arm and it's less than 16cm. You have my sympathy !

Downandupdownandup · 26/12/2020 14:40

My wrist is less than 12 cm in circumference and I couldn’t do that sorry that would be far far far too painful and I’d tense up at the thought of it. I’m sorry this isn’t you. Or you needing to sort it. You’ve tried. Perhaps unfortunate as it is - this isn’t going to work.

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 26/12/2020 22:24

@DuchessofDerbyshire

Well...Smile I'm trying to imagine you with a tap measure and him allowing it to be sized.

Go to your GP and ask to be tested for thrush again.

And unless he's having sex with someone apart from you, he ought not to catch thrush. Men only get thrush from someone. So either you still have it, or he's got it somewhere else.

He can't have rubbed you raw unless you are having loads of sex all day long.

Maybe you are reacting to the lube? You could be allergic to it.

And pleeeeeeeeeeease dont' use the withdrawal method unless you want a baby. I doesn't work. Do you know sperm is also released before men come?

Hahaha he was quite amused as he had never measured it himself for some reason. I was wondering if I was imagining it being big, I had to get some evidence :)

The SH clinic doc said I didn't have any thrush... and I've not any symptoms at all since I first got it (it was really obvious I had it then, loads of thick discharge and itching!).

We don't have loads of sex, generally only do it once or twice every other day. Also we've not been using this super slippy lube for long, so it can't be that.

Also yeah I'm never doing the withdrawal method again!

Thank you for your reply!

OP posts:
Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 26/12/2020 22:29

@DuchessofDerbyshire

Oh and don't keep having sex if it hurts. It's not compulsory to have sex with a bloke and if he's insisting you do, ditch him.
I know but I do need to try, other my relationship will fail! I would never expect him to stay in a relationship without sex. I'll take a few minutes of pain over losing my boyfriend, definitely.
OP posts:
Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 26/12/2020 22:33

@minipie

Could the thrush have damaged my vagina?

I had exactly what you describe after a bout of thrush, about 10 years ago. The thrush cleared up but I was left with bad soreness during sex and a sort of paper cut type feeling in various areas on my inner labia.

It was eventually diagnosed by a specialist dermatological consultant as vulval eczema. In other words the thrush had set off an eczeme type allergic reaction on my bits. I got prescribed steroid cream for it (but to be used cautiously as the skin there is very thin).

I’m afraid it took me a couple of years of having very little sex, and using the cream when it got bad, to get rid of it. Even now I find it can come back if I have sex several times too close together.

It was nothing to do with size (same partner as I’d had for years) I think it caused by the thrush, and probably having sex while I had thrush.

This is very interesting, thank you for sharing. I wonder if I have something like this ...but then the Doctor couldn't see anything in my vag, so maybe not.

Buuuut, even though I can't remember when the pain started, I'm pretty certain that it came after the thrush.

I'll research this, thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 26/12/2020 22:38

@TreacleHart

Sorry no suggestions. But feeling bored , I measured just above my wrist on my arm and it's less than 16cm. You have my sympathy !
Thanks @TreacleHart and @Downandupdownandup for your sympathies ahaha. I clearly remember the first time I saw his dick, I was utterly horrified, I just looked at him and couldn't speak.

I suppose I should say though that 16cm was the widest point, other bits are slightly less.

Interestingly, he says he's never had problems before with his size.... :/

OP posts:
Bottledupagain · 26/12/2020 22:46

Have you heard of vaginismus it's with you mentioning tampons and fingers now hurt too. It could be that you are tensing up subconsciously because you know how big he is and are partly expecting it to hurt, a vicious cycle I guess.

bookandabrew · 26/12/2020 22:51

No advice particularly I'm afraid, but I'm experiencing what sounds like exactly the same thing and not found a helpful answer yet either. Could it be anxiety related at all?

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 26/12/2020 22:57

Something else, that could support the 'rubbing me raw' and damaged nerves theories, is that particularly in the early days he would be very very enthusiastic with his thrusting, I'd never been pummelled so much in the vagina and he actually broke my bed. It was like he was throwing all his weight behind his penis.

Maybe all that force damaged my nerves?

OP posts:
emijs · 26/12/2020 23:00

Something very similar happened to me, within a couple of months I went from no pain to agony.

It was diagnosed as vulvadyina and I had a vestibulectomy. Not sure if surgery works in every case but it certainly helped me. I'm ok now and even had a baby this year which I would have thought impossible when I was really suffering with it. I'd see if your GP can refer you to a good gynaecologist. Best of luck!

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 26/12/2020 23:00

@Bottledupagain

Have you heard of vaginismus it's with you mentioning tampons and fingers now hurt too. It could be that you are tensing up subconsciously because you know how big he is and are partly expecting it to hurt, a vicious cycle I guess.
I considered that but ... I just feel like it's not, because I generally feel relaxed and it hurts on the very edges of my vagina entry too, which surely doesn't tense up. Also, it doesn't feel like a tension pain. My whole vagina feels like the nerves have been exposed and someone's rubbing sandpaper over it.

Also, isn't vaginismus where you can't actually get anything in? I can, it just hurts like hell.

Thanks so much for your reply!

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 26/12/2020 23:02

Please stop having sex with him. It sounds like you've developed a serious issue and it's not something you should just grit your teeth and put up with.

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 26/12/2020 23:02

@bookandabrew

No advice particularly I'm afraid, but I'm experiencing what sounds like exactly the same thing and not found a helpful answer yet either. Could it be anxiety related at all?
At least it's not just me! I have suffered from lots of anxiety in the past, but never sex related!
OP posts:
MrsFluffyMuff · 26/12/2020 23:04

I'd never been pummelled so much in the vagina and he actually broke my bed. It was like he was throwing all his weight behind his penis.

Ouch.

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 26/12/2020 23:04

@emijs

Something very similar happened to me, within a couple of months I went from no pain to agony.

It was diagnosed as vulvadyina and I had a vestibulectomy. Not sure if surgery works in every case but it certainly helped me. I'm ok now and even had a baby this year which I would have thought impossible when I was really suffering with it. I'd see if your GP can refer you to a good gynaecologist. Best of luck!

Hmmmm. Was it diagnosed as soon as you went to a doctor? I'll google vestibulectomy now. Thank you!
OP posts:
userxx · 26/12/2020 23:05

16cm circumference? That's pretty girthy isn't it.

Downandupdownandup · 26/12/2020 23:05

@missbunnyrabbit

Something else, that could support the 'rubbing me raw' and damaged nerves theories, is that particularly in the early days he would be very very enthusiastic with his thrusting, I'd never been pummelled so much in the vagina and he actually broke my bed. It was like he was throwing all his weight behind his penis.

Maybe all that force damaged my nerves?

So he knows he is "big" and did this -I find this abusive. Almost like he was trying to hurt you, hardly gentle and loving is it?
minipie · 26/12/2020 23:06

I wonder if I have something like this ...but then the Doctor couldn't see anything in my vag, so maybe not.

I had two GPs and a nurse say there was nothing wrong. Various creams prescribed that did nothing. Eventually I got referred to a vulval dermatologist who diagnosed the eczema. I think you need to ask to see a specialist- and yes stop having sex that hurts.

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 26/12/2020 23:06

@CodenameVillanelle

Please stop having sex with him. It sounds like you've developed a serious issue and it's not something you should just grit your teeth and put up with.
Ugh I know, but once his penis is in, the sex is almost always really good. Which is the strangest thing! Why does it stop hurting once he's in?

I don't want to stop having sex, it will ruin the relationship. He's a lovely guy, and he's understanding, but I'd never want to put him in that position. He always says we don't need to have sex when it hurts, but I just downplay the pain because I don't want to make it into such a big deal.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 26/12/2020 23:06

@missbunnyrabbit

Something else, that could support the 'rubbing me raw' and damaged nerves theories, is that particularly in the early days he would be very very enthusiastic with his thrusting, I'd never been pummelled so much in the vagina and he actually broke my bed. It was like he was throwing all his weight behind his penis.

Maybe all that force damaged my nerves?

Fucking hell This sounds like torture.
iwasacceptableinthe80s · 26/12/2020 23:18

He doesn't sound like a very considerate man. Why is he continuing if you are in pain?

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