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Women's health

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Original poster

Sex hurts! Help!

55 replies

missbunnyrabbit · 26/12/2020 13:27

Sorry it's long, can anyone help? :(

I'm 25, never had a baby and have had several sexual partners. I've never before had any pain from sex. Have used condoms with most people very successfully, and sometimes the withdrawal method - never had to use lube, never had any pain. Dicks have always just gone in!

Then, in came my current boyfriend about 7 months ago now. I am very attracted to him. The thing is, he has a rather thick dick. I measured and it's 16cm circumference, and 7 inches long. I've never had such a big dick. This shouldn't be a problem though, with lube, right?

We used condoms at first, with no pain, but he kept going soft. I didn't have any pain. Then, we used the withdrawal method but he didn't go in very easily and it hurt a tiny tiny tiny bit (I assume because of his size) so I had to use lube for the first time. He always told me that I was very wet anyway. Then, I went on the minipill.

I can't pinpoint exactly when it started, but sex gradually has become very painful. Now, when he enters, it feels like sandpaper, burning, stinging. Even though he is covered in slippery lube. My vagina feels so so so sore and tender. It almost feels like a continuous carpet burn in my vagina. It lasts from as soon as his dick touches me until he's all the way in. And then, it will generally stop hurting and we can have sex normally. But on the odd occasion, it will carry on hurting with every thrust, and it is agony. I can't use tampons anymore because they hurt going in, and even just his finger trying to go in hurts. Bearing in mind, when we first met, he could fit A LOT of fingers in, no problem.

We've tried different lubes, and our current one is the slippiest lube you could imagine. We've tried all different positions, different foreplay. There seems to be no pattern to the pain!

I went to a doctor at a Sexual Health clinic and she looked inside, took swabs etc. She said it all looked normal and I had no infections.

I'm thinking causes could be:
-his dick has literally rubbed me raw, even though we use so much lube - but then the doctor said I wasn't red or irritated inside?
-my nerves have been damaged by something - his dick, the minipill, I don't know
-the minipill has somehow caused/contributed to this?

I have done so much research on this, and the closest thing seems to be Vulvodynia. Yet there seems to be no cure. It is upsetting to have this wrong with me. I get nervous at the thought of sex and have cried from the pain.

Has anyone suffered this? Or have any ideas?

OP posts:

Ohhiiii · 26/12/2020 23:18

I had exactly this after multiple episodes of thrush, pain remained after the thrush was treated. I self diagnosed vaginismus - felt very tight and painful and burning when we started having sex but once we pushed through it and stretched everything then the pain reduced but could be agony initially (but no pain afterwards at all). Never got round to going back to the doctor to see if I was correct but I got pregnant earlier this year and the pain vanished so don't think there was any other medical cause for it. (Maybe change in hormones did something to help??)

emijs · 26/12/2020 23:18

Yes, my vulvyodynia was diagnosed fairly quickly although the doctor I was referred to was a specialist in it.

They prescribed lidocaine gel which is a local anaesthetic. (Not sure if you can get it over the counter, but that could work in the interim?) If that works they're pretty confident that surgery will also work

DuchessofDerbyshire · 27/12/2020 10:25

Having re-read your posts @missbunnyrabbit I feel pretty certain you have vaginismus. This is mainly a psychological condition. In your case, you have come to expect sex to hurt and your subconscious is telling your body it doesn't want that! Even though you might be wet, you are still tense (even if your conscious brain doesn't realise that.)
After the experience of the 'battering ram' approach by this man, your body is saying 'Uh oh...no thanks.'

It's the same principle, sadly, as women who have been sexually abused cannot have lovely sex with a person they love and do not feel threatened by. Their logical brain says 'this is safe and okay' but the subconscious brain tells their body something else.

There is no way you should have/ do continue with sex like this because it's counter productive.

In theory a vagina can accept all sizes of penis- they are designed to a baby's head to come out.

But what's happening with you, is that your body sees the foreplay as as something to preclude pain- ouch- and it doesn't want to go there which is why penetration hurts but once he's inside, your body relaxes.

I think it's pretty poor show that he (and you?) feel you must carry on with sex when it's so painful. And he doesn't sound very considerate.

Might be a good idea to read online how you can do some self-help around this, or if that doesn't help, you need to see a sexual therapist so you can break the cycle of pain.

DuchessofDerbyshire · 27/12/2020 10:28

And just one more thing- vulvodynia and vaginismus are two very different conditions.

This is the NHS explanation of vaginismus

www.nhs.uk/conditions/vaginismus/#:~:text=Vaginismus%20is%20the%20body's%20automatic,previously%20enjoyed%20painless%20penetrative%20sex.

Original poster

missbunnyrabbit · 27/12/2020 10:39

@Ohhiiii

But I thought vaginismus was when your muscles clamped shut and nothing can get up there? Because I definitely can get things up there, it's just so painful! And yes to the bit about how when the vagina is being stretched it is agony, but once he's in it stops hurting! If it were a nerve issue, then surely this wouldn't be the case, it would hurt the whole way through (which has happened only about twice).

Thank you for your response!

OP posts:

Original poster

missbunnyrabbit · 27/12/2020 10:41

@emijs

Yes, my vulvyodynia was diagnosed fairly quickly although the doctor I was referred to was a specialist in it.

The doctor I saw gave me a Lidocaine cream to use, which I haven't yet tried as it was only last week I went. If it works I will be pleased, but at the same time, I don't just want a plaster put over the problem, I want it fixed! Don't want to be carrying around special cream for my vag the rest of my life!

OP posts:

Original poster

missbunnyrabbit · 27/12/2020 10:48

@DuchessofDerbyshire

Having re-read your posts *@missbunnyrabbit* I feel pretty certain you have vaginismus. This is mainly a psychological condition. In your case, you have come to expect sex to hurt and your subconscious is telling your body it doesn't want that! Even though you might be wet, you are still tense (even if your conscious brain doesn't realise that.) After the experience of the 'battering ram' approach by this man, your body is saying 'Uh oh...no thanks.'

There is no way you should have/ do continue with sex like this because it's counter productive.

In theory a vagina can accept all sizes of penis- they are designed to a baby's head to come out.

I think it's pretty poor show that he (and you?) feel you must carry on with sex when it's so painful. And he doesn't sound very considerate.

Might be a good idea to read online how you can do some self-help around this, or if that doesn't help, you need to see a sexual therapist so you can break the cycle of pain.

Gosh, really? I really ruled Vaginimus out, cos I can definitely get things up there, and the internet suggests your whole vag clamps shut with Vaginismus.

I did quite like the battering ram though, and it definitely never hurt in the beginning. It wasn't a bad experience at all. :(

He only carries on with the sex because I tell him to. He always says he will stop if I ask. I still love sex, it's just the penetration. Oh and he stopped doing the battering ram when I started having problems, he's much much gentler now.

Thanks so much for your reply!

OP posts:

Original poster

missbunnyrabbit · 27/12/2020 10:58

[quote DuchessofDerbyshire]And just one more thing- vulvodynia and vaginismus are two very different conditions.

This is the NHS explanation of vaginismus

www.nhs.uk/conditions/vaginismus/#:~:text=Vaginismus%20is%20the%20body's%20automatic,previously%20enjoyed%20painless%20penetrative%20sex.[/quote]
Okay I've looked again at the different between the two and something else that makes me think it's not Vaginismus is that even merely touching the entrance to my vag makes me wince - the skin feels sore. And that's not to do with the muscles, it's not being stretched, it's literally just being touched. So that makes me think it's a problem with my tissues - vulvodynia.

But then, why does it stop hurting when penetration is 'complete'? That bit DOES sound like vaginismus.

I cried again last night because I am so distressed and frustrated about this. :(

OP posts:

DuchessofDerbyshire · 27/12/2020 11:16

You could have both; vulvodynia and vaginismus. I thought- could be wrong!- that there was an umbrella term now for all these conditions as it's hard to separate the two sometimes.

18cm is massive Has he mentioned that other women have had the same experience? It's hardly short of giving birth.

GwendolineMarysLaces · 27/12/2020 11:32

Men tend to only get recurrent thrush if they keep catching it from their partner. Sounds to me like the thrush is hanging around - the soreness can be exactly as you have described.

Original poster

missbunnyrabbit · 27/12/2020 12:23

@DuchessofDerbyshire

You could have both; vulvodynia and vaginismus. I thought- could be wrong!- that there was an umbrella term now for all these conditions as it's hard to separate the two sometimes.

18cm is massive Has he mentioned that other women have had the same experience? It's hardly short of giving birth.

I feel like there's not enough information or research about all these things, and especially how people have said that they've had multiple doctors. It is so frustrating, I just want to be able to go to a doctor and be told what is wrong with me and how to fix it. Why can't things just be simple!

16cm ;) At its widest point. So maybe 14/15cm the rest of it.
He's said that he's never had problems before! I don't know how...

OP posts:

Original poster

missbunnyrabbit · 27/12/2020 12:26

@GwendolineMarysLaces

Men tend to only get recurrent thrush if they keep catching it from their partner. Sounds to me like the thrush is hanging around - the soreness can be exactly as you have described.

But when I had thrush it was so obvious ... really itchy vulva and tons of discharge. I've not had any symptoms at all since, and the Doctor said last week that I don't have it.

I'd like to also think that he's not cheating, we've only been together 6 months! And this has been going on for monthsssss. :(

OP posts:

hernameis · 27/12/2020 12:38

Sex and smear tests were horrifically painful for me while I was in the mini pill. I was breastfeeding so couldn't use combined pill but wish I had used condoms instead. The mini pill dried me up completely, even with lube it felt very like you described. Problems went once I came off it but unfortunately it took a long time to realize that was the cause.

MinimumChips · 27/12/2020 12:46

Have you tried coming off the mini-pill? I’d start there and wait until you are ovulating again to see if there’s any change.

Elieza · 27/12/2020 12:46

Can you switch to the combined pill? As far as I know oestrogen is linked to elasticity and the one you’re on doesn’t have any form of that. So if you can have the combined pill it might help with the extra oestrogen?

Give your body a break for a few weeks while it adjusts to the new pill. Then try sex again.

CorianderQueen · 27/12/2020 13:13

Vaginas are different shapes and sizes. Sometimes certain partners aren't a comfortable fit - I've had this with some and not others.

Also, your nerves and fear of the pain could be leading to a form of vaginismus where you can't relax and so your vagina kind of seizes up and doesn't relax and enlarge.

Ohhiiii · 27/12/2020 13:29

OP I think vaginismus doesn't necessarily have to be totally clamped shut. I would describe the issue I had as feeling like there was a "ring" of tight muscles a couple of inches inside the vagina that was just impossible to get a penis through due to pain and tightness, but we could slowly slowly push through the "ring" and then sex was possible, but felt like the friction was causing a burning sensation. Except we used loads of lube. I was convinced the thrush caused it anyway.

Original poster

missbunnyrabbit · 27/12/2020 15:56

@hernameis

@hernameis and @MinimumChips

I have definitely wondered if the minipill has contributed/caused it. I started taking the minipill pretty much exactly 5 months ago. Pain probably started very minutely around then...

Last week at the docs I was given the injection, so I have about two more days of minipills to take and then I'm off. The injection is also progresterone though so... I don't know if that will make a difference, if it is the minipill causing this.

OP posts:

Original poster

missbunnyrabbit · 27/12/2020 16:01

@Elieza, I've just started on the injection so I'll see how that goes. Then maybe I could start something else. Thank you!

OP posts:

Original poster

missbunnyrabbit · 27/12/2020 16:05

@CorianderQueen
Yeah I agree with that, I don't think my current partner is a good fit - right from the start, we've had an 'angle' problem, in that I have to sit my bum on pillows in order for him to enter me! Surely people don't ditch otherwise great partners for that, though? :(

OP posts:

Vitaminsss · 27/12/2020 16:08

I agree that the more you post, the more it sounds like vaginismus. Subconsciously you have built penetration up in your head to be painful. Vaginas can stretch so even though he’s large, it shouldn’t feel like sandpaper when you’re lubricated, you should be able to accommodate the size provided you’re comfortable

Have you tried using dilators or toys? Do you get the same pain with a smaller size than him?

Another issue could be the products that you’re using. I used to get a sharp, stinging sensation when I used a certain shower gel to clean myself. I felt okay going about my day, but penetration triggered the awful sharp sensation. It went away when I switched to more sensitive products.

Original poster

missbunnyrabbit · 27/12/2020 16:10

@Ohhiiii

That does sound a lot like my situation. Like if he pushes slowly, he can get through, but it is AGONY and burning and stinging. Then once he's in, everything feels stretched and he can thrust with no pain for me!

Why would thrush cause vaginismus, though?

OP posts:

Vitaminsss · 27/12/2020 16:11

Yeah, it doesn’t sound like you’re sexually compatible. Is he focusing on your pleasure and comfort during sex or just trying to push it in? I had to do the pillow thing at the gynaecologist, but never during sex as I’m more relaxed.

hernameis · 27/12/2020 16:36

It wasn't until I switched doctor and mentioned the pain and dryness and she said that it sounded like the mini pill was to blame and I needed the estrogen. I think the injection and implant are both progresterone only so I don't think your situation is going to change while you are on it. Hoping it is simply a mini pill problem as I think that will be the easiest option to fix. You have my sympathies, the pain killed my sex life and made me feel so upset not knowing what was causing the issue at the time.

Hailtomyteeth · 27/12/2020 16:40

OK. 16cm. If there are no photos, it didn't happen.

Hope you fix your issue soon. If you've had thrush, he needs to be cleared of it or he'll be re-infecting you. So they used to say. Perhaps it's different now.

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