Things that really wind you up in novels

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I just finished reading a 'chick-lit' book (not how it was marketed but it most definitely was, IMO) where the heroine starts out as an ambitious, independent professional who seems like she might be an interesting character for once, then as soon as A Man appears she turns to mush and reveals that all this strong exterior is just a facade she's putting up to stop her heart being broken again. Sigh. To make things worse you could tell she was going to fall for him from about page 20 because a) they hated each other and b) his wife was conveniently dead, AND it had one of those 'quirky' The Quaintly-Named Suburban Avenue Ladies' Flower Arranging Society type titles. It was a shame because otherwise it wasn't a badly written book, it was just ruined for me by too many cliches... What things in a novel make you sigh and think 'Oh God, it's one of those books'?

Not really anything to do with the plots but I always notice in every book I read the author always over uses a word or phrase.

Eg. I have no idea if you have read 50 SoG but I found the over used phrase was "oh my..."
"I felt chills running up my spine as he kissed my neck, 'oh my...'"
"I could hardly contain my excitement as his hands roamed over my body 'oh my...'"
"I have never felt this way about any other man, 'oh my...'" etc

Its not just 50 SoG this happens, I've noticed it in a lot of books. Maybe its just a subconscious thing authors do. Or maybe I'm weird :) either way its a bit irritating.

There was a book I read recently about a woman who goes on a trip to Las Vegas. It's set the year it was written (about 2012) and describes her putting coins in the slot machines. Vegas slots haven't accepted coins for donkeys years - you put a note in or a voucher and a voucher with your winning amount is returned to you which you can cash in the casino.

It wound me up no end. Just because I thought the author could have done a bit more research! Sloppy I tell you, sloppy!

Most chick-lit shit is like that though, isn't it? I read one recently where the heroine was a dumpy, plain and shy person. Except that after a terrific hair cut, instigated by her best gay male friend, she was stunning. And she had been so busy finding her way in her new job that she hadn't realised she had trimmed down from a size 16 to a size 8. You know how that can happen, right? We were supposed to think "oh, yay!" when her boss, previously rude to her, suddenly realised she was gorgeous and promptly fell in love with her. Our now beautiful heroine didn't tell him to fuck off for ignoring her when she was plain, she was thrilled and the book ended with them preparing to live happily ever after. Vomit.

Anything where the heroine is introduced as having a hobby which conveniently turns into a viable business, e.g. icing cupcakes.

It's never fixing classic cars. It's always cupcakes or jam or artisanal pincushions.

I mean, I love knitting but tragically it is never going to pay the bills.

Ooh I thought of another one - I love the Shopaholic books but Becky Bloomwood is a fucking infant and NEVER learns from her mistakes - she just gets into more bloody debt in the next novel!

Chick lit formula is generally 'woman falls in love with man at end of novel who was under her nose the whole time and not the handsome yet twatty colleague she shags early on in the book'. Yawn

I hate it when there's some terrible misunderstanding which would be so easily solved by someone just saying "btw, did you mean me when you said this?" or sonething. No-one ever tries to clarify, they just run off heartbroken. It happens in TV and films too and really bugs me - just talk!

I read one of the shopaholic books and it stressed me out how she was getting into debt!

Oh I notice the overused phrase thing. I think it's just them trying to give the character a voice but they don't realise that real people don't have catchphrases. Or maybe it's something they say themselves but don't realise it's not something everyone says.

My currebt annoyance is young characters who have supposedly grown up in the 90s/00s but still phone people. Or teenagers not understanding how facebook works. Or angsting over a lost phone number. WTF? Email? Facebook? Google?? It's not that hard to find someone especially when they want to be found. Move into the 21st century, plot devices!

I have more but should be asleep

bertie oh good, I'm glad you noticed too, thought it was just me imaging things:)

American writers making british male characters self refer to their genitalia with the wrong names. Worst I ever read was "prick". Noooo that's a person, not a body part!

I hate it when one of the characters is a young child of about three or so, and the author has that child talking in "me wan' teddy" or "my wanna bic-bic" sentences.

You'd think they'd not actually met a child, ever, just heard of them vaguely and had to guess at how they might speak.

Unrealistic dialogue.

Which is most dialogue in most books these days.

Financial stuff, and quirky jobs, they all set up florists, entertainment or cupcake businesses that somehow make it possible for them to have a nice London and travelling lifestyle!

Yes, unrealistic financial life annoys me.

Bertie - I hate it too when young people are supposed to still be making phone calls etc. Also, when some under 30 apparently has never had an email. I've been required by school, uni, work etc to have an email since I was 15, surely it's nearly impossible to avoid now?

Write a book by numbers.

Running away from high pressured city job with all its glamorous trappings, usually due to a man.
Conveniently having late aunts rose trimmed cottage to run away to, in quaint hamlet with village pub the hub of all activities.
Within two days becomes a crucial part of village activities, winning the 'elders' over with her pretty charm, shortbread, whatever.
Loses weight due to extreme business and hub bub of village life.
Uses repressed talent to start up instantly successful chocolate/cupcake/knitted wares shop.
Meets local grumpy but gorgeous farmer/vet and immediately take against each other.
Gay best friend from city visits, lots of alcohol, hilarious misunderstanding with farmer/vet ensues to drive them further apart.
After a million scenes of bickering with said character gets caught in a rainstorm/silo/something and falls head over heels with resident, grumpy but gorgeous farmer/vet.
Overinvested villagers cheer.

The end.

• "slicking on lipstick" or "a slick of lipstick" - it's not bloody crude oil, ffs!
• Insisting on listing the bloody brand of wine, clothes, shoes, perfume, soap products blah blah blah - enough with the product placement and angling for freebies!
• any female following the "ditzy" stereotype, WORSE when she's also completely shit with money, EVEN WORSE when she can't stop spending it and lies about it. (I completely hate the shopaholic books, I want to slap her!)
• agree with the ridiculous dialogue where the elephant in the room is one simple question that would clear up any misunderstanding immediately (this annoys me just as much in fecking soap operas as well, especially Hollyfuckingoaks)
• transparent plot manoeuvres - one of the absolute worst was in Kate Mosse's Labyrinth, where the "heroine" manages to leave behind the most important bag with all the stuff in it - NO ONE would do that, they'd be hanging onto it for dear life, not leaving it behind a fucking chair for the enemy to find! It was so staged it was ridiculous and I hated the book from thereon in.
• an inability to spell words like schtum or other "nicked" words from foreign languages - if you don't know how to fecking spell them then don't fecking well use them!
• crap editing that doesn't pick up wrongly spelled words.

And breathe.

Gah; I've read variations that book 6000 times this year!
Absolutely spot on. So why do I still read them?????

And off again:
• clinically detailed sex scenes - worst offender for this was Jean M Auel in her Clan of the Cave Bear series, book 4 or thereabouts - 3-4 pages of boring and clinical sex manoeuvres, repeated 2-3 times through the book, could have just written "see p 47 (or whatever)" for all the differences contained therein.
• and then just as awful are over-detailed rape scenes. E.V. Thompson gets black marks for this.

• "she smiled inwardly..." - wouldn't that hurt like hell?
• women over 50 are all frumpy, out of touch wise women who are amazed at you being able to do anything with technology and get confused by Facebook.
• amicable ex set up with convenient single best friend at end of novel.

I have always been baffled by eyes that can convey numerous, varied and complicated emotions. Is it just me who can't see them irl?

"He was smiling but in his eyes she could see hurt, bewilderment, disappointment and sorrow."

I can see you are frowning a bit but it could just be wind.

When the characters have a 5 minute conversation and somehow 3 hours have passed!

Brand names, generally. Sometimes I can cope with them - in Bridget Jones and Adrian Mole (maybe diaries set in 'an age' make references to contemporary things less marked) for example. I saw an advert for a book called 'Goodbye Jimmy Choo' once and it made me shudder.

Also there's something about male authors describing sex that's depressing. It's always like a little window into the seedy, porn world that so many blokes rely on for kicks.

Totally agree with the over used words or phrases. Or observations.

Louise Bagshawe (who only has two plots - ugly girl discovers she's actually pretty or three girls get together for revenge) always mentions 'age spotted mirrors'.