Things that really wind you up in novels

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I just finished reading a 'chick-lit' book (not how it was marketed but it most definitely was, IMO) where the heroine starts out as an ambitious, independent professional who seems like she might be an interesting character for once, then as soon as A Man appears she turns to mush and reveals that all this strong exterior is just a facade she's putting up to stop her heart being broken again. Sigh. To make things worse you could tell she was going to fall for him from about page 20 because a) they hated each other and b) his wife was conveniently dead, AND it had one of those 'quirky' The Quaintly-Named Suburban Avenue Ladies' Flower Arranging Society type titles. It was a shame because otherwise it wasn't a badly written book, it was just ruined for me by too many cliches... What things in a novel make you sigh and think 'Oh God, it's one of those books'?

I hate reading very Americanised books where a child takes an Oreo out of the cupboard, then falls to the floor, needs a Bandaid and a Kleenex....half the time I have no idea what the brands are so lose the gist of the plot and I just give up

Crazee but loving families, like the Freya North ones where the mum ran off with a cowboy but all was well because lovely old uncle brought up the 4 DC on a diet of anchovies and cereal.

What really really pisses me off, is people who "pick at food! or push it away uneaten"

I don't know anyone who does this in real life, most people trough it all in.

these are brilliant and I definitely notice most of these when reading... especially the repeated phrases! and one to add when characters name spelling changes through the book! drives me mad!

laurell k Hamilton is terrible for long drawn out, often very cringeworthy sex scenes (most lasting several pages with only a chapter break then another almost identical!) and then the random mundane conversation mid shag who does that???
she definitely projects her very bizarre orgy fantasies in her books. seriously after the last 10 books I know Anita likes to put his whole soft cock and balls in her mouth... ewww. also both her female lead characters have several men on the go (often at least 2 in bed at a time..) really should stop reading them but just cant incase this one is great and back to what they used to be like... just torturing myself really!!

sorry massive rant there!! and there's a new novella on Amazon with a book out next year... which I will read and moan about to dp who pretends to listen and isn't at all sympathetic

Ohhhhh yes Unescorted, how could I forget the obligatory rough diamond, salt-of-the-fooking-earth native character with his (it's usually a he, though occasionally it's a wise old woman) simple country/northern/Scottish lifestyle?

Kerberos I've got wise to that now - I normally flip through the last few pages without reading them just to check how many pages of adverts etc there are.

The gay best friend thing winds me up no end as well, largely because I have one and he's - surprise! - a normal person who when it comes to fashion knows his arse from his elbow well enough to avoid putting trousers on his arms and no further

And I quite like Sophie Kinsella's books, but I also find they have a strange tendency to stress me out - I get too invested in the characters, then they make all these stupid decisions and I spend the next 50 pages worried about the fight that's clearly coming I find them better written and less patronising than most chick-lit though, I think because they're so clearly meant to be tongue-in-cheek rather than acting like 'quirky heroine melts the heart of formerly grumpy and unattainable lawyer and lives happily ever after' is the most profound love story since Wuthering Heights

Bad research. I read an awful book where the "baddie", when her crime was discovered, was found to have an "air ticket to Marbella" in her bag. To which the awful insufferable main character says "that's exactly the type of place her type would like". This obviously reflected so strongly the author's own feelings about Marbella that she couldn't even bear to spend 30 seconds googling it to find out it doesn't have an airport.

Museum that just made me laugh out loud! Not even at the lack of an airport, just the idea of 'that's exactly the type of place her type would like' seeming like a perfectly realistic piece of dialogue

I've yet to read a novel where the heroine actually has a good relationship with her mum, if her mum is still alive at all.

Plus why do they have to be so frikkin rich all the time? Why can't they have regular jobs that they don't particularly love but do to pay the bills? You know like most people....

I read a crime/thriller type book once where the two main characters (who'd only met about five minutes before, when one of them was delusional after being nearly killed in a hit-and-run) kept stopping for a shag while they were on the run from the organisation that was trying to kill them There's a reason I don't normally go for books in that genre!

I can't stand authors who seem to use the same framework and idea for all their books. Martina Cole-used to love reading her first books but her latest 3/4 have been awful and boring, felt like if I have read one I have read them all.

The same is happening with Jodi Picoult. At one point she was my fave author and I have all her books. But her last 2 have not got me interested at all and only read a few chapters of each.

Also was annoyed beyond belief at the ending of Harry Potter. Since I was 8 years old, I grew up with this character. I adored him, loved the adventure and action. The magic of it all and it ends with him casually doing a very boring adult act of taking his kids to school?! I mean really JK you telling me that is the most exciting thing that happened to him after all that?! Disappointed!

Heroines that are obviously drop dead gorgeous but still think they are ugly.

Books where a couple is ttc but are only successful when they give up/apply for adoption.

I hate it when the main character's suddenly evil best friend or strangely unstable brother, or friendly yet suicidal colleague, it gets explained it was all because of child abuse. Dur dur duurrrrr. The end.

Because that's the only reason anyone is ever different, and anyone who is abused as a child is always mad.

Yy to unrealistic finances. Also applies to unrealistic poverty. Heroine is poor, this is a driver for the entire plot. Heroine is seen in thrift shops and struggling to afford Xmas presents for kids.
Later on, some action takes place in a cafe where heroine is killing time with coffee and cake. Noooo! Whole book is no longer believable.

Women doing anything other than being a mum and wife have to be taught a lesson by their children loving their nanny more, or breaking their leg because their hapless dad was looking after them or something.

Georgette Heyer ruined Frederica with a shudderingly cringeworthy ending: "Oh!... Now I know! I am in love!" Actually, most of her endings are pretty rubbish TBH. Previously feisty heroine put in her place by grouchy but amazingly wealthy and handsome hero, the end.

Books where there are multiple characters with similar names: Joseph, Joshua, Jacob etc. I get confused and annoyed.

As a student I have to say that's not as unrealistic as you might think, dashoflime But yes, that also annoyed me in the finance-related storylines of Friends. Half of them complain that they have no money - you'd think that would be a cue to stop spending their whole life drinking overpriced lattes from Cetral Perk then, wouldn't you?

Catmint if I knew anything about council work I would write that book for and dedicate it to you, it sounds better than any I've read recently

All these historical fiction books featuring 'strong' women who defy men openl?. Women were chattel until recently and even noble women would never have dreamed of behaving in modern ways. The birthdates of many kings' daughters were not even recorded because, well, it was a female.

Oh yes I can't read fantasy because I get confused between all of the complicated names.

They always work in marketing, publishing, or journalism. And they're often secret writers. Boring! Just because I like reading does not mean I'm obsessed with writing and want my unfulfilled dream of being a writer to be played out in the text!

Yes to graphic descriptions of child abuse as character development. No! Just lazy and horrible.

The other thing I hate is when the time jumps back and forth in some kind of attempt to be edgy, I lose track. It can be done well but most books I read it's just confusing. And a tiny thing explaining this is "12 December 1968" and that was "3 June 2004" doesn't help. I get confused about who is the granddaughter and who is the mother.

Well, judging by this thread, if I now pen a novel where the main protagonist is a tall, beautiful female who accidentally starts her own business from her hobby of restoring classic Landrover Defenders but then has an unfortunate reaction to WD40, a reaction that somehow leaves her much plainer and dumpier and then magically finds love with the chap who chromes her bonnet furniture, who was never anything but terse with her when she was gorgeous and everyone lives adequately ever after...... well, I might sell literally SOME copies.......

Do it, Psypher!

Peter James. I gave up on his last book because his 'sexy texts' were so cringeworthy. Seriously peter next time run them past your female friends. Your editor needs a beating with a wet salmon too!

Yes to so many things here! GahLinDah's entire post, and the job thing. I read a book once where the main character owned her own flat, age 28, in Hampstead, which she paid for using the wages from her part-time job as a clown in a children's hospital. Come the fuck on. Another one I read had the main character supporting herself and a teenage daughter in a picturesque cottage on the wages from her job as a part time library assistant.

Marian Keyes early novels have the characters - even the love interests! - doing normal jobs that they're indifferent about. Just like 90% of the population.

Although I imagine a lot of chick lit writers coming from the sorts of families where you don't have mortgages, and you swan into a job in publishing or Tatler shortly after your gap yah.

Another irritant is when attractive features are described as ugly, usually while the protagonist is staring endlessly at herself in the mirror. 'Imogen impatiently tossed back her unruly waist length blonde curls - they had always driven her mad. Her deep green eyes made her feel self conscious, and her mouth was too big for her face.' Oh the curse of the too-big mouth! I bet Julia Roberts cries herself to sleep over that every night. It's never a too big nose, or ears either - always the mouth.

AndHarry - yes! totally agree about that phrase (and others in other books) that seriously annoy me, despite otherwise loving GH. I get the complete arse about the women all submitting to "crushing and ruthless embraces" as well - an those suddenly awakening love in their breasts! If someone left me with nearly cracked ribs and unable to breathe, I doubt love would be my first feeling!!

I once made the mistake of reading several Jonathan Kellerman novels end to end and realised that he has no idea what women actually wear.

Every single one of his female characters wears a 'simple, knit dress' no matter what the occasion (unless they're at the beach when a bikini might be mentioned).

I'm assuming a 'knit dress' is a woolly jumper dress but God knows (perhaps an American MNer could enlighten me?), especially as most of his novels are set in California - wouldn't it be hot?

Love Val McDermid novels too but she drives me insane that her characters never talk to each other - so much death and misery could have been avoided if they'd only picked up the bloody phone to each other and said 'oh btw, there's been a weird bloke hanging around and I'm a bit worried/I'm just going to interview this bloke, all on my own, so if I'm not back in 20 mins come and investigate?/my brother can do that in 5 mins flat, why don't I call him and let him take care of it?' and so on.... raaah!