Things that really wind you up in novels

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I just finished reading a 'chick-lit' book (not how it was marketed but it most definitely was, IMO) where the heroine starts out as an ambitious, independent professional who seems like she might be an interesting character for once, then as soon as A Man appears she turns to mush and reveals that all this strong exterior is just a facade she's putting up to stop her heart being broken again. Sigh. To make things worse you could tell she was going to fall for him from about page 20 because a) they hated each other and b) his wife was conveniently dead, AND it had one of those 'quirky' The Quaintly-Named Suburban Avenue Ladies' Flower Arranging Society type titles. It was a shame because otherwise it wasn't a badly written book, it was just ruined for me by too many cliches... What things in a novel make you sigh and think 'Oh God, it's one of those books'?

I have a "simple knit dress", *Lovecat" - it's a very fine wool knit, not much thicker than cotton, tbh - and is just a shift dress. Not very attractive on my shape though, sadly. But cool enough (I was given it by a friend in Hong Kong)

Oops, bold fail there!

I hate the ones where the author tries to make it into more worthy literature by having a loved character die about 80% of the way through, just to provide some angst and and impetus to the main character to sort their life out. Teenage fiction is especially bad for it.

I don't think knit in that context means knitted by a person, but jersey fabric rather than woven - ie that kind of stretchy t-shirt cotton. I think we'd call it a t-shirt dress.

Ah, that makes more sense. I did wonder why all these women were sweating it out in their woollies in the LA sunshine! :o

Even so, they could wear something else occasionally...

American written books where the publishers don't make any adjustments for foreign readers - for instance, cookery books where the measurements are all in 'cups'.

And the worst - using 'fanny' for arse. I just read Amy Poehler's autobiography which was an excellent book, but it threw me when she said 'My dad loves to tell everyone that when I was born he could fit my entire fanny in the palm of his hand.'

That every cop has a wife that's died of cancer or something similar and then has a love interest but he's 'damaged'.

The women are always hard arsed. Never just a nice genuine person

I hate novels which deal with serious ishoos in a overly simplistic manner, or which don't develop the characters and story in a logical, realistic way but instead conjure up all sorts of nonsense to justify the plotline (yeah, that's you Jodi Picoult)

"A simple knit dress" just means that the fabric is knitted as opposed to being woven. I live in a warm climate in the US. It might look something like this:

Clunky, see my character how I want you to description.

"Cressida threw herself out of bed and on long, lithe, freckled legs strode over the the mirror. She reached for her silver backed hair brush with a hand with pink polished nails and tugged it through her long, wavy auburn hair. Her slanted green eyes widened, her creamy complexion blushed adorably and her puffy pink lips widened as remembered Antonio's torrent of emotion from the previous evening having spied her in her backless cream gown dancing with Derek".

Cressida is tall and has red hair and green eyes. That's all I need to know thanks, let me build up the picture of our heroine in my own mind author, NOT the one you want me to see. Stop being so controlling!

the thin knit dress info! Sounds like that author doesn't want to be bothered with describing clothes and just cuts and pastes, to imply that the heroine is svelte and beautiful yet modest and not vain.

Any overweight characters lose lots of weight (accidentally) and/or have auburn or raven hair, corkscrew curls and stunning proportions, one I read described the heroine as "shaped like Jessica rabbit"

I hate novels where they will include, say, a newspaper article and the tone and style is really off. I always think, wow, for a writer you've got that soooo wrong. Just read a bloody article and copy it, ffs!

Oh, oops, actually my grievances have nothing to do with novels

Nothing to do with plots, but I hate it when poor grammar gets past the publisher. Twilight; '"Ha ha" he laughed.' My primary school teacher tore strips off me for doing that, how did Twilight Writer get away with it?

I now steer clear of any novel that is going to feature 'Girl encounters horrible man, will she fall in love with him?' plots. Aside from the tedium of it all, it's such a negative message for girls. 'Keep plugging away at making that total arsehole notice you, he may have hidden depths under all the cuntiness!'

American writers making british male characters self refer to their genitalia with the wrong names.

I think it can be tricky when writing an English speaking character from another culture. Similar issues are present the other way around. I read a book recently by a British author who had an American character saying things like "a Texan senator." Americans would say "a Texas senator." We use the state name as an adjective, but we would say, "he is a Texan." This sort of thing is indeed a minefield.

Another example is an American character saying "I'm meant to be." An American is much more likely to say "I'm supposed to be."

I so agree, Grays, matters like extreme bereavement, PTSD, substance addiction, all the person needs is a new love interest, or a good shag even, and all is well. Sure.

Anything that refers to"manhood" or "member"

A determined mouth. Heroines always have a determined mouth. Oh and a sprinkling of freckles.

Any book where the female lead has 'a steely determination'. Or doesn't realise how beautiful she is until some dippy bloke (usually a barista who is also a writer) tells her so...

I hate it when 50% of the book is the author describing scenery, to the point where it feels like it's interrupting the story. Give the reader a little credit for having enough imagination to set the scene with a small description, not 6 pages worth detailing the exact location of moss around a pond or how there were exactly 29 scratches on the antique piano and the placement of each one.

Yes creamhearts and they are forever 'setting their jaws'.

Yy, determined jaw, creamy complexion and... Flashing Eyes!

Like a Furby?

gah

distressedandalarmed are you in the middle of reading 'les miserables' by any chance? You've just described the first 37 chapters.

"AND it had one of those 'quirky' The Quaintly-Named Suburban Avenue Ladies' Flower Arranging Society type titles."

There's a big clue there, OP - one rule I have is never to read books with quirky titles, especially those involving the words club, society, manual, guide etc.

My particular hate at the moment is books with tricksy endings that undermine everything you thought had happened in the rest of the novel. Specifically I'm thinking of two books by Ian McEwan whose names I won't mention in case people haven't read them - but really, the second time he pulled the stunt, I thought "I can't believe I've fallen for this again". I actually felt more furious than was strictly justified under the circs.