I think I Will die

[dollparts]

I didn't choose the subject heading to gain everyones attention, I just simply feel this way and cannot hide anymore.

I am a compulsive over-eater. So far it has cost me my marriage and now it is threatening my health in many different ways. Last year I started to lose my sight and after many tests I was taken into hospital to have an operation for a brain condition known as idiopathic intracranial hypertension. It basically means that the fluid around my brain/spinal cord was putting pressure on my eyes causing me to lose my sight.

I have now had a siicone tube fitted which diverts the fluid and thankfully my sight has returned to normal. However, it was made plain to me that this condition was largely due to my weight (I am 25 stone). I have been referred for bariatric surgery and have so far been waiting 3 months for an appoinment.

I eat far too much. I don't eat before 11 am but when I do I cannot stop. I hate myself before, during and after eating. I know that eventually I will die from a weight related illness and I feel completely powerless to stop it. I have a beautiful daughter and I loathe the fact that I cannot be the mum I should be for her. Some would say she should be my motivation and I wished to God that was true. The truth is I am weak. I am ugly and I cannot stop what I am doing to my body. I have just been diagnosed with sleep aponea which is common amongst overweight, middle aged men. I am in my early 30's.

When I go out I can hardly bear to look around me. I see my reflection and I can hardly believe the person that stares back is me. I have never been stick thin but this has become an issue in the past 5 years since I gave birth. I was a 20 a day smoker when I discovered I was pregnant and gave up immediately. I turned to food as many do but it continued even after the birth.

My husband had two affairs before he finally left me. He never gave me any support except the odd lecture on healthy eating and cited my weight gain as the reason for looking elsewhere. He confessed he was embarassed of me and no longer loved me.

Even that wasn't enough to stop me. I carried on. I eat in secret when dd has gone to bed, during the day and when alone at home. I knowingly put things in the trolley when I go out shopping that I know I will end up eating. I know how crap I will feel after I eat but I do it anyway.

I am an educated woman who has a good family and friends but I cannot say this to them because I cannot find the words. I am terrified I will die a failure, never being able to break this cycle.

I have posted this because I simply do not know which way to turn.

Hi, Doll, sorry you are having a terrible time, but well done for seeking help, in RL and here .

First, stop wasting valuable nervous energy on beating yourself up. You have a problem, you are seeking help, now stop being cross with yourself.

Second, overeating to the extent that you are describing has NOTHING to do with food, and all to do with comfort/control or lack of control in other aspects of your life/ultimately power.

Thirdly, I presume you have seen your GP, if not, go and see them. Get referred to dietetics/counselling/get contact details for local support organisations such as Overeaters Anonymous. You must find somebody to speak to, ideally a counsellor experienced in this kind of thing.

Bariatric surgery will help your weight but will also change the way you will be able to eat for the rest of your life. Make sure you get all the practical information you can BEFORE you have anything done that cannot be undone.

Be kind to yourself. You have given up smoking which is a v physically addictive thing, so you can reduce your weight.

Hope you find the support you need!

Here is the link to Overeaters Anonymous

Mummyfor3 speaks a lot of sense. Don't beat yourself up any longer. Take that energy and put it to good positive use. I know it is easy to say but it is something you must do. You cannot give in to this problem, you must fight it.

As for your DH, well he wasn't much cop when the going got tough was he? A good husband would have stood by you and helped you in a positive way. Don't see him leaving as a failure on you because it isn't - ok! It is a failure on his part and his part alone.

My friend had an operation to stop overeating, she had a balloon inserted. She is the first person to say that it did not solve her problems immediately. Don't get me wrong it has helped her immensely but she has also had to change her whole entire relationship with food, shopping habits and the way that she managed when she felt low. She has had to do a lot of work to face up to her problems and let me tell you something - 2 years on she is a changed person. She has went from a person who would not ever wear a skirt or show any bare skin - to someone who is confident and shopping for clothes she never would have thought possible and she is MUCH happier in herself. I use my friend as an example because I am so proud of her and it is proof that you CAN do this. You CAN lose this weight and with it, the associated problems you have with your self esteem and confidence If you want me to ask my friend anything, just let me know because she has been there and might have some good tips.

Make the decision, get the support you need and come on here to moan. Don't be so hard on yourself though, you've had a tough time and now that you have spoken out here, you can find the path to get you out of this mad cycle.

Dear Doll
Really sorry you are going through this but the others on this thread have given you really good advice and I can only second what they are saying.
Your husband sounds like my Ex, totally unsupportive and just looking for an excuse to have an affair. Please do look up the weblink Mummyfor3 has posted and see your Doctor for practical advice and support. It isn't going to be easy, but just try and remember you are doing this for yourself and your dd. You gave up smoking so you must be a strong and determined person and seeking support from others will help.
Keep us informed with what steps you are taking and I'm sure everyone here will support you. x

DP haven't any advice as such but just remember that we're all here on MN to support you
xx

Ahh doll xx

I have had this problem, still have sometimes, email me if you want to chat [email protected]

Doll, i have no words of wisdom , but i just wanted to put my support down in writing for you

x

Doll, As others have said the main thing is that you are seeking help. You gave up smoking once, that's hard to do. FWIW I hate my 10 a day habit, know it could affect my health and even when I do give up and feel good I still go back to them.

doll, i've got this. struggled as a teenager to battle it. used pregnancy as an excuse to balloon to 22 stone. currently battling my way back down. i'm very at what i ate during pg. exdp used to actively encourage it then complain i was overweight 5 mins later.

good luck. you will get there in the end. but remeber it took you a long time to put it on it will take a long time for it to come off.

you had will power to come off smoking. you probably have the will power to stop over eating without the surgery. mail me [email protected], if you want to know how i do it. i'm currently down from sie 24 , now can fit into 16/18, with weight still falling off since i faced up to it last october.

I am having a gastric sleeve on Monday.

You and I have a lot in common.

If you want to email me, you can get me on mud24 at hotmail dot co dot uk

good luck hecate

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. I have posted on other threads without a care in the world and somehow feel I have deceived those that I have been posting amongst.

Hecate, I wish you all the best and will email you. I have never heard of a gastric sleeve, only the balloon, bypass and band. Is one of those or soemthing different?

RJ-you have done so well and in such a short space of time! I admire you

I do feel I have unburdened myself and am relieved to find there is a place where I can come and vent my feelings.

However, I realised after reading your replies that I didn't mention in my OP that I actually started smoking again about 2 years ago. I managed to convince myself that I could use cigarettes as a substitute for food. Of course that turned out to be a big no-no alas I am a smoker once more. I know I will be crucified for it when I finally get my bariatric appointment and am fully expecting it.

dp - email me. please. i am also smoking again sometimes. best to overcome one thing at a time.

Stop beating yourself up and get motivated. You can do it.
I guess you know that you should be eating breakfast before 11 am, even if you don't fancy it. A fruit juice and a bowl of porridge, for example, will give you a great start to the day.
You deserve more than this cycle of self loathing and you need to start changing things slowly. Once you start to feel more energetic you'll come along in leaps and bounds.
Good luck

you haven't deceived anyone dollparts, don't feel that way - keep posting, you know where to find us
sorry you are battling with this, don't have advice but have had food issues in the past and know how horrible they can be

the sleeve is where they remove most of your stomach.

It is permanant, unlike the band, but it is much less risky than the by-pass.

Hecate, good luck. I'm sure that this will work for you.

Doll, you haven't deceived anyone on the 'fit and interesting thread'. We come in all ages, shapes and sizes and there was never any criteria to joining in.

dollparts -you've already determined some of the reasons why you comfort eat which is almost half the battle! Make sure that as part of your recovery from your surgery you get some cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) - it will give you the tools to challenge your old behaviours and create new ones.

I'm not going to wish you luck - you don't need it. As your weight falls off, that will be your greatest motivational tool! You can do anything you want with the right support.

Best wishes from a fellow food addict xxx

Doll, that was a very moving post.

Have you read "Overcoming Overeating"? I thought it was brilliant. CAT me if you want me to send you my copy. (Not because I'm now all skinny and gorgeous! But I've read it twice & know it off by heart and I'd love you to have it. It's vvv good.)

Ninah/Eve, thanks. I will keep posting and will still rely on 'fit and interesting' to make me laugh on a daily basis

RJ have emailed you

Hecate-are you going under general ana. for the op? and can I ask if you are having it done private or nhs?

e.wreck and mrsruffalo thanks.

I was referred for CBT by my GP but they could only offer me group therapy which I wasn't comfortable with and the sessions were only during the day which was not convenient for me. I think I may try and find a counsellor off my own steam-just hope I can find one that wont break the bank.

Beautiful- I haven't read it but would very much like to. There are so many books out there so it's good to have one that is personally recommended.

DP, good.

No advice to add to what others have said, but just wanted to say I think you are incredibly brave and pretty bloody wonderful for summoning up the courage to face up to this problem. Hope you can find the support and advice you need to get yourself out of this rut xxx

Hi Doll - just wanted to know you are in my thoughts. I too have stopped smoking and am battling against compulsive eating that has seen my weight increase by more than 1.5 stone in 8 months. Every day I have to battle against my urge to comfort/over eat and sometimes I can't do it.

Hold on to what people have said - you managed to stop smoking (don't refer to it as giving up - it makes it sound like you are depriving yourself) and if you can do that even for a while, you can win the battle with your food/overeating.

If you're looking for a counsellor, it might be worth trying the women's therapy centre - they helped a close friend of mine with food issues - they are online at www.womenstherapycentre.co.uk/index.html

Quiet a few years ago, I used these kind of tablets ( I was not over weight). I don't recognize the brand name in the link I posted, but the description is the same.

slimming tablet link

The concept is that the tablet has a fiber ingredient to make you not feel hungry. In theory, you don't feel the need to have something to satisfy your hunger and the distraction of wanting to eat is not there.

At the same time I was also physicaly active, which should (in theory) make you hungry, and there were no signs of me feeling hungry. I was in a position to eat a fully controlled diet without the desire to eat more or feel full after eating (or not feel over full after eating).

If you are eating to satisfy a hunger "need" then these type of tablets could be the answer.

If you are comfort eating, then you would obviously need a distraction from that habit.

The usual targets and aims would be required before you start the process. Without the expected targets and aims, you could be setting yourself up to fail, which might make things worse.

I don't know how smoking effects the tablets.