I think I Will die

[dollparts]

I didn't choose the subject heading to gain everyones attention, I just simply feel this way and cannot hide anymore.

I am a compulsive over-eater. So far it has cost me my marriage and now it is threatening my health in many different ways. Last year I started to lose my sight and after many tests I was taken into hospital to have an operation for a brain condition known as idiopathic intracranial hypertension. It basically means that the fluid around my brain/spinal cord was putting pressure on my eyes causing me to lose my sight.

I have now had a siicone tube fitted which diverts the fluid and thankfully my sight has returned to normal. However, it was made plain to me that this condition was largely due to my weight (I am 25 stone). I have been referred for bariatric surgery and have so far been waiting 3 months for an appoinment.

I eat far too much. I don't eat before 11 am but when I do I cannot stop. I hate myself before, during and after eating. I know that eventually I will die from a weight related illness and I feel completely powerless to stop it. I have a beautiful daughter and I loathe the fact that I cannot be the mum I should be for her. Some would say she should be my motivation and I wished to God that was true. The truth is I am weak. I am ugly and I cannot stop what I am doing to my body. I have just been diagnosed with sleep aponea which is common amongst overweight, middle aged men. I am in my early 30's.

When I go out I can hardly bear to look around me. I see my reflection and I can hardly believe the person that stares back is me. I have never been stick thin but this has become an issue in the past 5 years since I gave birth. I was a 20 a day smoker when I discovered I was pregnant and gave up immediately. I turned to food as many do but it continued even after the birth.

My husband had two affairs before he finally left me. He never gave me any support except the odd lecture on healthy eating and cited my weight gain as the reason for looking elsewhere. He confessed he was embarassed of me and no longer loved me.

Even that wasn't enough to stop me. I carried on. I eat in secret when dd has gone to bed, during the day and when alone at home. I knowingly put things in the trolley when I go out shopping that I know I will end up eating. I know how crap I will feel after I eat but I do it anyway.

I am an educated woman who has a good family and friends but I cannot say this to them because I cannot find the words. I am terrified I will die a failure, never being able to break this cycle.

I have posted this because I simply do not know which way to turn.

Hi Doll

I haven't posted on here but have been following your messages. I currently weigh 18st and battling the weight, it also doesn't help that I am a paltry 5 ft 2".

Firstly congratulations on giving up smoking, as a former smoker that is a massive achievemnt and well done you.

I just wanted to say that I have been using Weight Loss Resources, rather half heartedly in which you put in what you have eaten and it tells you how many calories you have eaten, it gives you a target and you try to keep within your calorie allowance. It started working and I realised how much over eating I was doing, so I lost weight, then got blase about it and stopped doing it and started puting weight back on.

I was looking at a Fat Face catalogue this morning and I was thinking lovely clothes but I can't fit into them and then I had an epiphany, the only person stopping me getting into those clothes is me. yes it is going to be tough and it willl take a long time. I will never be a size 10 but a 14 is doable.

You my darling have taken the most enormous step in deciding that this needs to change. On this site there are many women who are oversoming problems of all kinds and the support here is huge.

Fivego- I have to agree with your comment on the support from others. I have found that there are many that have their own story to tell and it gives me great comfort that I just need to log on for open ears and a kind word.

I doubt I will be a size 1o either but to have my health back would mean I have my life back ahead of me-and at my age that's where it needs to be.

N1- I would say I 60% of what I eat is through being idle by the hand and not hunger. I will still have a look at the link though. My meal sizes could be a lot smaller and I eat far too late in the evening. I do have my main meal with dd but when she's in bed for the night my thoughts turn to what I can start eating and that's how it starts.

I am ashamed, thoroughly ashamed to admit I have eaten 3 litres of ice cream in the past 8 days. I can't seem to just have a portion like most people, I have to gorge until I feel ill and stuffed.

I have been thinking in the past few days that my behaviour is similar to an alcoholic in a way. In the way that some alcoholics cannot stop after one drink I couldn't eat 2 biscuits with my coffee and then forget about the rest of the packet. I will be distracted by them until I have eaten them all. Before now I have poured washing up liquid on food to stop me eating.

It actually frightens me when I go shopping because I will load cakes, chocolate in the trolley and will chip away at it until it is all gone.

I think I may start to diarise exactly what I eat with times etc and post it here. I think I will be more inclined to keep it up here than I wrote it down at home.

You need to talk to someone to sort your eating behaviour out. Can your GP refer you to someone?

I have found that meal planning and shopping on line has helped me not buying junk and then eating it.

Have you thought about taking up a hobby, tapestry, cross point etc may help or doing a course that you study for. I am not a lone parent but would imagine that sitting there on your own in the evening can't help.

I am also quite happy to do a diary with you in support.

I sink anything between 10 liters and 40 liters of ice-cream a month.

Dollparts, just wondered if you have readFat is a Feminist Issue ? It has really helped me to understand what causes me to eat complulsively, and I haven't done it for 6 days now. Hope you are ok, there are reasons for what you are doing, and you need to find out what they are, then you won't need to do it anymore.

Roland- I have never read that book, I will look out for a copy this weekend.

Kerry- have looked up a cbt therapist and have emailed a few making enquiries. The average cost is around £40. Am not sure if I could afford it in terms of a monthly amount-£160-200 per month for a session every week but I will look and see what I can do. I did get a referral through my gp but they could only offer me group sessions and I wasn't comfortable doing that.

In the meantime I have dug out a copy of cbt for dummies that I bought a while back and will start reading this weekend.

N1, You don't mention whether your are overweight or not?

I got my copy for £2.76 inc p & p from amazon.

I am not and was not over weight, I tend to eat any rubbish (or healthy) and not put to much weight on. I used the tablets (all natural ingredients) for another reason and was surprised (or perhaps rather better to say shocked) to discover that I had no hunger feelings at all. The removal of feeling hungry was what I needed (at the time) and the fiber tablets accomplished that hurdle.I tend to rely on feelings - if I am hungry, I eat, if I am tired (and don't have another pressing obligation), I sleep.... etc.

Eating due to feeling hungry could be a problem, so remove the feelings of hunger, while going on a strict measured diet might be a way to start the weight loss attempt. If the feeling hungry is the problem.

I said earlier - you would need the rest of your life situation also sorted so you don't start something and find that you have to give up in the process. Starting something and stopping is demoralizing in it's self.

N1- I agree I have several issues that I need to tackle, it's just that the comment you made about about how much ice cream you eat distracted me from your previous post!

I do need to consider all contributing factors as I feel weakened by my previous attempts and end up 're-offending' worse than the last time.

That said I do through hunger, but I doubt I understand the true meaning of the word anymore.

dollparts - haven't got much wisdom to add but just wanted to say well done for posting and good luck . This is quite an expensive option but my SIL used Lighter Life and has lost 8 stone since last year. I understand that there is some counselling offered as part of that programme which she says she has really benefited from in terms of understanding her relationship with food.

You gave up smoking for your child.

That's really cool.

Sometimes food is very tied up with emotional issues and sorting these out is sometimes the key to changing eating habits...do you have a good counsellor at the moment?

I think you will definitely break this cycle but perhaps tiny steps is the way to go?

If you have a set day to day routine, that should be a good starting point. Fixed times for eating, sleeping, bathing...etc. Set the basic routine and keep to that for about 3 months - to see that you can keep the routine, then move onto the issues that still matter - in a priority order. Simply establishing a routine tents to resolve some problems which have an influence on other problems. Everything involves self discipline and commitment.

N1-I wish I had the discipline to follow routine-especially one as straight forward as you suggest.

Podrick- I am looking into finding a counsellor at the moment.

Doll - it isn't about hunger, is it? So routines don't necessarily help, nor do instructions to have 'self-discipline'. The point is that we don't have it where food is concerned. (And unlike N1 I'm writing as someone who has just eaten half a packet of fondant fancies before ten in the morning and am seriously obese.) I too worry that I will die. I know that what I do is self-destructive and unnecessary and stupid, but I do it anyway. You get more sympathy for nicotine addiction than food addiction, and more support for stopping. I wish I had an answer for either of us. (If I did, I'd be rich!)

Come back and talk - I hope I haven't killed the thread (I usually do!)

subtlemouse, I completely identify with the fondant fancies thing! I know I keep banging on about it, but Fat is a Feminist Issue is well worth a read. I have read Fat is a Feminist Issue 2 last week and have not binged or overeaten since. This is amazing for me as I was usually binging every day (for example 12 mini rolls and a full litre of ice cream) This book has explained to me why I was doing it, which is what I couldn't understand, and it's not because I have no will power, or am, greedy, it's because I was using food as a coping strategy, and to repress feelings that I found it hard to acknowledge. The book had taught me to just acknowledge feelings of anger I have for various reasons, just to admit them to myself, I don't need to confront anyone involved, just allow myself to feel, and the binging has stopped!!!

I have no more suggestions to add, but just wanted to wish you good luck Dollparts.

I hope things work out for you. You deserve to be happy. Give yourself a break, try to stop beating yourself up about what you eat.

Good luck to Hecate on Monday too.

dollparts - having been down the CBT route for different reasons - even if you go private my experience is that CBT is usually time limited - so talking about say 8-12 weekly or fortnightly sessions - rather than a long term financial commitment. I have food issues to overcome, I also "drug" myself with food.

This is it

Hello all

subtlemouse-it is hardly ever due to hunger, unless it happens when I leave it too late in the morning to eat and then gorge on everything in my path.

Thanks to all those that have just posted to say good luck-it is very encouraging.

Hecate-am thinking of you today x

Roland-have ordered the first book and will start reading as soon as it arrives.

Totalchaos-have just made another appointment to get another referral through gp but will go ahead and pay if I have too-just have come to the point where this has to be the priority.

Been a shit day today so far, had a sleep study to investigate suspected obstructive sleep apnoea and have just had the results confirmed in follow up appointment today. Yes I have it. I have to be referred to a sleep clinic now and will be given oxygen equipment to open airways to keep me breathing at night. Will post a link later today to explain fully what this is for anyone that doesn't know.

Anyway, it get worse. Apparently, people with this condition have been known to fall asleep at the wheel thus I have been 'banned' from driving. Am feeling extremely down about it today. I simply cannot beleive I have done this to myself.

Have spoken with my sister (my fairy godmother) and have decided that food abstinence is one way of combatting this at least in the short term until I can get some counselling underway and my bariatric appointment comes through. I have contacted lighter life and am waiting for a consultant in my area to get back to me.

I have heard mixed opinions about this programme but I just know I have to do something. This has got to the point where everything in my life is shrouded by my weight and I feel like my poor health is beginning to choke the life out of me.

oh and subtlemouse, you certainly haven't killed the thread, please keep posting

I hope you get the support you need from Lighter life and your doctors.

DH has sleep problems and possible sleep apnoea because of his weight but he refuses to acknowledge them or seek treatment. At least you have the good sense to get help for yourself.

Try and use it as motivator. When you reach for the cakes etc try and imagine your life without all the breathing equipment.

Is your eating related to depression? Do you think getting treatment for depression would help?

You are doing so well seeking out help.

Good luck again.

Oh what a bad day, you poor thing.

Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better.

You are doing great - small steps - we can see you are making them even if you feel you are not.

You are SO not alone! Millions of us have poor relationships with food to varying degrees.

I really think you need some good professional support to help you through this because it will be a long journey and there are probably a lot of behaviours to change/modify, eg recognising what makes you eat more than you need, eating and cooking healthily, gently building up exercise etc. There may be both physcial and emotional factors that are making it hard for you to lose weight.

I am really rooting for you, something about your posts shines through that you are a lovely person. Keep posting.

Shesells-Yes I do suffer with depression but it's treated with meds and is under control most of the time. That said I do struggle in other ways hence the very subject I am posting about

Podrick-thanks so much for that. I thought I would check the thread before calling it a night and your post has put a smile on my face for the first time today

I have had a call back from lighter life and and am going to an introductory meeting on Friday evening. I am actually looking forward to getting there I have to say.

One aspect of LL is the counselling that you receive from your consultant. I am feeling encouraged that with the abstinence and the opportunity to discuss issues around food/eating may be a good combination.

Here's hoping!

Goodnight x

Hi Doll
just checked in to see how you're doing?
you are missed on the 'fit and interesting' thread
xx