I think I Will die

[dollparts]

I didn't choose the subject heading to gain everyones attention, I just simply feel this way and cannot hide anymore.

I am a compulsive over-eater. So far it has cost me my marriage and now it is threatening my health in many different ways. Last year I started to lose my sight and after many tests I was taken into hospital to have an operation for a brain condition known as idiopathic intracranial hypertension. It basically means that the fluid around my brain/spinal cord was putting pressure on my eyes causing me to lose my sight.

I have now had a siicone tube fitted which diverts the fluid and thankfully my sight has returned to normal. However, it was made plain to me that this condition was largely due to my weight (I am 25 stone). I have been referred for bariatric surgery and have so far been waiting 3 months for an appoinment.

I eat far too much. I don't eat before 11 am but when I do I cannot stop. I hate myself before, during and after eating. I know that eventually I will die from a weight related illness and I feel completely powerless to stop it. I have a beautiful daughter and I loathe the fact that I cannot be the mum I should be for her. Some would say she should be my motivation and I wished to God that was true. The truth is I am weak. I am ugly and I cannot stop what I am doing to my body. I have just been diagnosed with sleep aponea which is common amongst overweight, middle aged men. I am in my early 30's.

When I go out I can hardly bear to look around me. I see my reflection and I can hardly believe the person that stares back is me. I have never been stick thin but this has become an issue in the past 5 years since I gave birth. I was a 20 a day smoker when I discovered I was pregnant and gave up immediately. I turned to food as many do but it continued even after the birth.

My husband had two affairs before he finally left me. He never gave me any support except the odd lecture on healthy eating and cited my weight gain as the reason for looking elsewhere. He confessed he was embarassed of me and no longer loved me.

Even that wasn't enough to stop me. I carried on. I eat in secret when dd has gone to bed, during the day and when alone at home. I knowingly put things in the trolley when I go out shopping that I know I will end up eating. I know how crap I will feel after I eat but I do it anyway.

I am an educated woman who has a good family and friends but I cannot say this to them because I cannot find the words. I am terrified I will die a failure, never being able to break this cycle.

I have posted this because I simply do not know which way to turn.

asbm-awww, nice to be missed

I have been keeping an eye on you ladies, I will pop a post on offering my usual tuppence worth.

Speak soon x

Hope it helps you as much as it has helped me dollparts.

Hello dollparts - glad I made you smile yesterday! That has made me smile too - it's infectious!

LL sounds good, hopefully you will find it quite supportive. A friend of mine went from size 22 to size 12 with one of the slimming clubs - and she has stayed at the same weight for years now .

Do you have any plans to gently increase your activity levels? I have been meaning to buy a bike for about 3 years to help with this, I just don't know why I still haven't got one!

How was your day?

Free online CBT course HTH

seb1-thanks, I have now registered and will have a good look around the site.

Podrick-am feeling so-so today, quite tired and still reeling a little from my episode at the chest clinic yesterday. Did I mention the consultant asked me some really loaded questions and had me in tears within 10 minutes of me walking in?

Well, funnily enough I had a call from the bariatric dept at the hospital and I have an appointment on 13th May which is roughly 8 weeks away I think so I guess you could say there has been a considerate shift in events in the past 24 hours.

Ate dinner early with the kids today so am actively trying to keep busy so as not to go looking for stuff in the kitchen...

Blimey consultants should not be behaving like that, poor you.

Can you do something you enjoy tonight that is non-food related? Relaxing bath/ read book / make something / call a pal?

How does it feel to have the bariatric appointment, dollparts?

Do you write a diary BTW?

How was today?

Could not post yesterday as I had a really bad day. I went to see the neurologist for a follow up appointment and he was stressed. I asked him a few general questions and he was very vague and reluctant to explain much.

I told him I had my appointment through for the bariatric clinic and he was pleased and asked me why I didn't seem so happy.

I explained that I was very down in general and because the quality of sleep was so poor I was tired most of the time. It didn't take long for the tears to start flowing and he asked me if I was suicidal. I replied 'please don't ask me that' and he said he would refer me to a psychiatrist.

I wanted to say it would be more helpful if he could try and get my bariatric appointment moved forward as all the health problems are a result of my weight but I thought better of it.

I went home and spent most of the night howling and crying like a baby.

To make matters worse I was alone because dd spent the night with exhb so I ordered a large pizza and ate most of it.

I felt so shit and ugly and a nasty, horrible old troll so I just sat there and cried more. Hence why I didn't post.

Oh bless you, dollparts, that all sounds miserable.

Well you are NOT shit OR ugly OR a nasty horrible troll! What do you tend to do when you feel that low?

Could you try to get outdoors / do some exercise to get rid of some stress and bad feelings? Is there anyone you can phone when you feel bad who makes you feel better? No hugs from your dd to help either last night - is she back home now?

Would it have been good to post here anyhow?

Do you do any voluntary work at all - this really helps my spirits, helps me feel useful and appreciated.

Sorry you had such a crap time but honestly I think things are a bit intense at the moment because they are changing, and in a good direction. Stick with it, and good luck with LL tomorrow. Little steps.

Routine. Going form a lack of structure in your life to something more structured feels like a disruption. Start with manageable things (i didn't find anything manageable so I forced myself).

Usually sleep times are a good start. I read that you are on antidepressants and also have sleep apneoia. Perhaps sleep is not a good start.

Meal times could be your next better option but meals and sleeping tend to go together.

Both of those are daily routines.

Perhaps you might try adding a few weekly routines into your life. Attend the library weekly for about an hour. Go swimming once a week for about an hour (if you can swim) or go walking from place to place (walking between places which you have time for and can be done).

Here is probably not the best place to say this, but the concept is there. While you are out walking, swimming, reading books or what ever, you are not eating and/or sleeping. I am not saying that in a degrading way... well it's not intended to be seen in a negative context.

You might want to find a friend who wants to get out and do things, so you have moral support. Also if you want to slip on a part of routine, you tend to feel like you are letting someone down.

Being on antidepressants is a bit of a worry in it's self. If you feel pressured, the anti depressant masks some feelings but not reality, which (in my mind) tends to make other feelings of failings worse than they actually are. I am no expert on antidepressants - keep that in mind.

thinking about the neurologist asking if you are suicidal.... it's a double edged sward that. Some anti depressants can cause you to feel suicidal , you tell the Doc and they change the dose or medication. On the other hand if the medication is considered "right" and you are becoming a risk, then the Doc can make a referral to social services. In one case your honesty helps you and in another case, your honesty is used against you.

Also there is a record kept about what you say. Your medical records could be used for something different at a later date. I know you can't do much about the way you feel now. Just keep that history issue in mind.

The suggestion of doing voluntary work is a very good idea. The satisfaction of doing something for free and seeing appreciation by some people is a level of reward that money can't buy. Everything you did was your own efforts and the result is usually something that impresses people. That is a good idea.

Hope you are ok dollparts

Hope you are OK, how is your weekend going?

I am going on a nature walk with dd this afternoon, I hope it is not too cold!

bit hesitant about posting on this thread because I don't have emotional issues about eating. However I have had depression caused by diet so I wonder if you'd consider trying a gluten free diet? It may sound odd but for some people (me included) gluten is a sedative and a depressant. There is also evidence that omega 3 fatty acids (fish oil is the best source) can help with depression. Chromium helps some people with food cravings.

If you can improve your mood so you can exercise a bit google for seated exercise and you'll find things you can do to work your way into a more vigorous programme. Exercise might help you sleep better.

Hello all,

Have been so-so, have been opening up to my sister much more and she has been very supportive. I went along for the meeting at lighter life but got stuck in so much traffic I arrived far too late so will have to attend the next meeting which isn't until next friday.

Following on from some of the posts since my last post- I will not be seeing a psychiatrist if it does turn out the neurologist has referred me. I was lost for words when he asked me that question, it came as such a shock.

I know I have been very upset about many things of late but I have certainly never had any thoughts of suicide. It seems, on reflection that I do get rather emotional when I am discusssing my situation with any of the consultants I am being treated by. I think this may be due to my life in general-always dealing with everything else on a daily basis and leaving no time for me. So of course when I am in a room with a doctor that is focusing on me and me only there is nowhere for me to hide and it all comes out for all to see.

In terms of exercise, I am hoping I can start going swimming with a friend soon on a regular basis. I am speaking with her this week and we are going to arrange a set time to go every week and stick to it.

Forgot to metion I was prescribed something to give me a energy boost during the day. It is often prescribed to apneoa patients, I will look up the name and post later.

On the food front, I have been improved today. I am trying to prepare myself for the abstinence that I will undergo with lighter life and although I have been very hungry today I have have not binged on anything. I have taken to drinking slightly sparkling flavoured water which is very sweet and fills me up as well as satisfying my sugar craving. I have heard carbonated water isn't good for you but it still beats chocolate, crisps and ice cream whatever it is or isn't.

In 4 days you have taken on more than 4 progressive steps - all pro actively. Well done! I enjoy reading about good news.

The first month or 2 is new so little chance of failing, months 2 and onwards are where keeping to the plan gets a bit harder - it's not new anymore and less exiting.

Stick to the plan that you have at the moment. No point going for drastic changes. You get over whelmed.

From what I can tell. Your aims should be for you to get out and be more active. A secondary component is weight loss.

Keep the "getting out" as more important and if you loose some weight, call it a bonus.... for now.

Good luck

Dollparts, milleniwumffalcon linked to this blog on another thread, it is about fat acceptance, I know you are going to lose weight, but I think that's hard to do if you hate yourself, and if you are a bit kinder to yourself you can start to get more enjoyment out of your life now

N1-thanks for that. I do feel a lot calmer and have been able to compartmentalise my issues, allowing me to see clearer than I have of late.

Roland-I had a quick look at the blog and whilst in some ways I think it's a good thing I think that by accepting myself the way I am for now may set me back from my goals.

I will add more to this when I have a chance to mull it over, It's certainly provoked some thought so that can only be a good thing.

Glad you are feeling a bit better. The only reason I suggest that is from personal experience I know that self hate makes me eat more, but when I have been able to accept myself as I am I have lost weight without trying. It's a difficult one though!

For me I also find it easier to lose weight when I feel good about myself...so buying nice new clothes will help me to lose weight so they no longer fit!

It is a difficult one-everyone has their own cycle that is good/bad and has very different results when that cycle is broken. I am feeling a little more focused sometimes but still can very much feel my emotions just below the surface.

I have got a hospital appointment coming up soon when I will collect my breathing apparatus to use at night. I still can't quite come to terms that it has come to this.

I received a letter from the neurologist confirming that he has in fact referred me to a psychiatrist. In a letter he sent to my GP he said he had done so because he believed I was 'at the end of my tether'.

I have tried to have a break from everything as best as possible by absorbing myself in politics (a great interest of mine) and the current affairs in the news this week. I can't escape completely of course but I was beginnng to feel jaded and started to feel like I was 'thinking' too much.

I don't think any of us thinks we will need breathing apparatus so it must be a bit shocking...but we all are where we are and presumably it will help you sleep better which should have a definite positive impact?

The fact that you aren't just accepting all of this shows that you are moving on and will be in a better place with it all soon, step by step.

Glad you enjoyed the week in politics! You will have to jobshare with policywonk next time!