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A space to talk openly about weight loss journeys and challenges. Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. You may wish to speak to a medical professional before starting any diet.

Original poster

Partner says he loves me but not attracted to my weight.

69 replies

Caz92 · 18/09/2025 13:21

Hi everyone. Let me first say, I'm not 100% sure I am posting in the correct forum but I'll give ahead anyway.
Me and my partner have been together 8 years and I am 5ft 9 and just under 15st and have always been on the heavy side. I did loose weight several times but always done it in unhealthy way which caused the weight to pile back on.
Now my boyfriend is not a nasty guy and is a very caring person who I get along with well and we are also trying for a baby.
I was around 13st when we got together and I have always had a belly, even when I was a size 10. I lost weight and managed to maintain as I had a very active job and went to the gym regularly but I had a knee injury which set me back and still causes me issues. 3 years ago I started a new job which meant I'll be sitting down more and over time the weight pilled back on. The other day during some intimate time he kept loosing his well "mojo" if you get what I mean. This only started happening recently and I questioned him and I thought maybe I'm putting too much pressure on him due to being intimate on fertile days and tracking ovulation. I just told him to be honest and asked him if my body was turning him off especially my stomach and he said yes. Now I'm not angry at him as I understand his preferences are valid and he's not wrong that my life style is unhealthy and he just wants the best. But it's still a HUGE knife to the heart as my body and food issues have been a problem for my whole life. I am just having a vent about it. I have currently lost 3 lbs this week from cutting out full sugar drinks and making lunches and coffees at home to bring to work. I know I need to change, not for him but for my future children but it still hurts so much.

OP posts:
Messingwithmyheadagain · 18/09/2025 13:26

Op, do not have dc with this man.

SilenceInside · 18/09/2025 13:31

Oh goodness. That's something that's going to be hard to move on from. I don't think I'd want to be intimate with him again after that.

Is he not aware that your body will change if you become pregnant and have a baby? I would be concerned that he's expecting far too much from what he expects women to look like.

I agree with the PP that you should reconsider having children with him and whether or not you actually want to continue in this relationship.

FunnysInLaJardin · 18/09/2025 13:32

@Messingwithmyheadagain exactly! He needs to accept you for who you are or not at all.

I am shorter than you but the same weight, have also had food issues and been anything from a size 12 to a size 20 in adulthood. My DH of 37 years wold never ever say such a cruel thing.

Nutmuncher · 18/09/2025 13:38

First of all if he’s losing his ‘mojo’ that’s not necessarily within his control- if he’s turned off then there’s not a great deal he can do about it.

There’s been countless threads about women getting the ick -so being open minded to his feelings is going to make understanding the situation easier.

Physical attractiveness plays a vital role in relationships whether we like it or not.

I hope you can stick to your healthier eating plan but ultimately it’s a whole lifestyle change which can take time. WLI is a sure fire route to success if it’s something you would consider?

Radiatorvalves · 18/09/2025 13:42

Can I be honest? Gently, he sounds a nice guy and you asked him a question to which he responded honestly. 15 stone is quite a lot and I can imagine my DH being worried about the impact on health as much as whether it impacted his ability to get it up. If you have children it won’t be any easier to lose, and there may be complications due to your size. Sorry - unsure of the guidance.

Having seen a number of LTB responses, might it not be worth asking for his support in getting healthier? Obviously if you’re content with 15 stone please ignore.

10YearsAgo · 18/09/2025 13:46

FunnysInLaJardin · 18/09/2025 13:32

@Messingwithmyheadagain exactly! He needs to accept you for who you are or not at all.

I am shorter than you but the same weight, have also had food issues and been anything from a size 12 to a size 20 in adulthood. My DH of 37 years wold never ever say such a cruel thing.

It doesn’t sound like her partner was being cruel. She asked him and he was honest but also said he loves her. OP has acknowledged that she has an issue.

We can’t make ourselves attracted to someone or a part of someone that we aren’t.

I’m sorry that it’s hurt you though OP. It sounds like you want to lose weight for you anyway OP so I hope that you do. 💐

Tam285 · 18/09/2025 13:53

Don't ask questions that you don't want an honest answer to! I don't think he did anything wrong here. If he was dishonest then you still wouldn't know what the issue was or how to solve it. Now you know the issue and you're already working on it in a positive, healthy way - sounds like a win all round to me!

Reframe this as a positive OP, you knew you needed to cut out what sounds like a ton of crap from your diet and now you've found/been given the motivation to do it.

Motnight · 18/09/2025 13:57

10YearsAgo · 18/09/2025 13:46

It doesn’t sound like her partner was being cruel. She asked him and he was honest but also said he loves her. OP has acknowledged that she has an issue.

We can’t make ourselves attracted to someone or a part of someone that we aren’t.

I’m sorry that it’s hurt you though OP. It sounds like you want to lose weight for you anyway OP so I hope that you do. 💐

Show quote history

I agree with this, and I speak as an overweight woman (used to be morbidly obese, which the Op clearly isn't).

FunnysInLaJardin · 18/09/2025 14:02

I'm not saying that he isn't being honest and it may be that he is no longer attracted to the OP.

The point is that if she intends to have a child with this man and spend her life with him, then it will clearly be in the basis that to be happy she needs to make sure she remains attractive to him at all times.

That is actually very controlling.

PsychoHotSauce · 18/09/2025 14:09

Are we sure he's being truly honest though? 2st on someone who is pretty tall and she always had a belly the entirety of their relationship isn't the same as 2 stone on a very low bmi or short person.

How do we know that he's not embarrassed because of some other cause of ED, and took the opportunity to blame her body for it? She handed the explanation to him on a plate, and acknowledges the added pressure of TTC. There could be a whole host of reasons for him losing his 'mojo' that have very little to do with her weight, but this is the easier out for him.

Athreedoorwardrobe · 18/09/2025 14:15

Do NOT have children with this man.
He is embarrassed by losing wood and deflecting it onto you which is absolutely disgusting.
I've been morbidly obese at one point after my father died.. my husband who is a sporty guy, never once commented and never once lost an election or didn't want to have sex due to my weight. It honestly is NOT the issue you think it is.
Your partner has jumped on you saying that as a way to make himself feel better. Because he knows you'll turn on yourself and he feels insecure right now due to his election issues.
You are very likely right that the pressure and regularity of the situation will be more to blame for why he couldn't keep it up.. not suddenly finding your weight unattractive. As you've already pointed out you've always been a bigger person.
He is frankly awful to make you think this is about you and the way you look.
It's deeply unkind and cowardly of him. He can't face his own issues so deflects.
I'd seriously consider leaving him.
Do not let some man dictate how you feel about your body.
Lose weight if you want but do it for yourself not him or any man.. because let me tell you there are decent guys out there who would love you for who you are not a number on the scales

Athreedoorwardrobe · 18/09/2025 14:17

Sorry my phone is apparently a puritan who won't let me write ERECTION

rewardh · 18/09/2025 14:21

FunnysInLaJardin · 18/09/2025 14:02

I'm not saying that he isn't being honest and it may be that he is no longer attracted to the OP.

The point is that if she intends to have a child with this man and spend her life with him, then it will clearly be in the basis that to be happy she needs to make sure she remains attractive to him at all times.

That is actually very controlling.

This.

Somelikeitdry · 18/09/2025 14:21

It's not about your stomach, he just doesn't want to have a baby with you. Blaming your weight is cowardly and cruel, LTB.

Nutmuncher · 18/09/2025 14:30

Athreedoorwardrobe · 18/09/2025 14:15

Do NOT have children with this man.
He is embarrassed by losing wood and deflecting it onto you which is absolutely disgusting.
I've been morbidly obese at one point after my father died.. my husband who is a sporty guy, never once commented and never once lost an election or didn't want to have sex due to my weight. It honestly is NOT the issue you think it is.
Your partner has jumped on you saying that as a way to make himself feel better. Because he knows you'll turn on yourself and he feels insecure right now due to his election issues.
You are very likely right that the pressure and regularity of the situation will be more to blame for why he couldn't keep it up.. not suddenly finding your weight unattractive. As you've already pointed out you've always been a bigger person.
He is frankly awful to make you think this is about you and the way you look.
It's deeply unkind and cowardly of him. He can't face his own issues so deflects.
I'd seriously consider leaving him.
Do not let some man dictate how you feel about your body.
Lose weight if you want but do it for yourself not him or any man.. because let me tell you there are decent guys out there who would love you for who you are not a number on the scales

You’re right some men won’t mind, a lot do have BBW fetishes so it can be a turn on for them too. But some, just as some women feel when their DH or DP gets a beer belly find it a turn off –not by choice either.

Poppingby · 18/09/2025 14:30

Let's assume he's on the level (which I don't believe. Erect penises on a promise do not tend to deflate at the sight of a mere bit of flab in my experience). You would have to ensure that your body is exactly as he needs to get a knob on to ensure his and your future happiness and if you're planning to have kids or, like, age at all, some of that is going to be out of your control. I wouldn't have kids with him either unless he's prepared to admit he just lost his erection, no blame on you (or him to be fair, it happens but mostly because of stress or whatever).

Alicealig · 18/09/2025 14:36

He sounds like the type of man we could do with more of.

I expect most people here would prefer a lying poc. The creepy kind that lies about how beautiful you are because if he doesn't you'll go into hysterics about how wrong he is not to be physically attracted to fat women.

If you've asked your partner to be honest and he has been, this is the kind of man who you should be raising children with.

He's explained he loves you and does in fact accept you for how you are but has been specific about the things he would like to see different. I think there are a lot of deluded women on here who think that their partners wouldnt like it if they lost a few pounds but what do that care. As far as they care their men must accept them, as if the way they feel doesn't matter.

Once you lose sight of how your partner feels you lose the relationship, which is probably why there are so many single unhappy overweight women around.

Go to zumba classes, learn about healthy eating. Do this because it will make you and your relationship better. This is one piece of advice I've given and followed for years and we're still happy 16 years on. If my DH starts slipping I'm the first to tell him. Okay jokey at first but I have more self respect than be seen with a husband that's the size of a house. It's lazy, greedy and above all UNHEALTHY.

JenniferBooth · 18/09/2025 14:44

PsychoHotSauce · 18/09/2025 14:09

Are we sure he's being truly honest though? 2st on someone who is pretty tall and she always had a belly the entirety of their relationship isn't the same as 2 stone on a very low bmi or short person.

How do we know that he's not embarrassed because of some other cause of ED, and took the opportunity to blame her body for it? She handed the explanation to him on a plate, and acknowledges the added pressure of TTC. There could be a whole host of reasons for him losing his 'mojo' that have very little to do with her weight, but this is the easier out for him.

THIS Did anyone else watch Coldwater on ITVone this week? Andrew Lincolns character John couldnt get it up when his wife was giving him oral sex and started belittling her career achievements afterwards.

JenniferBooth · 18/09/2025 14:48

Alicealig · 18/09/2025 14:36

He sounds like the type of man we could do with more of.

I expect most people here would prefer a lying poc. The creepy kind that lies about how beautiful you are because if he doesn't you'll go into hysterics about how wrong he is not to be physically attracted to fat women.

If you've asked your partner to be honest and he has been, this is the kind of man who you should be raising children with.

He's explained he loves you and does in fact accept you for how you are but has been specific about the things he would like to see different. I think there are a lot of deluded women on here who think that their partners wouldnt like it if they lost a few pounds but what do that care. As far as they care their men must accept them, as if the way they feel doesn't matter.

Once you lose sight of how your partner feels you lose the relationship, which is probably why there are so many single unhappy overweight women around.

Go to zumba classes, learn about healthy eating. Do this because it will make you and your relationship better. This is one piece of advice I've given and followed for years and we're still happy 16 years on. If my DH starts slipping I'm the first to tell him. Okay jokey at first but I have more self respect than be seen with a husband that's the size of a house. It's lazy, greedy and above all UNHEALTHY.

So following your logic if we flip reverse this and its a man who said he lost his erection because his partner is too skinny and he would like her to put on five stone you would tell her to do that to improve their relationship?

Donostiera · 18/09/2025 14:52

Oh gosh, I so feel for you. I'm much older (45) and in a similar position (poor or no sex, DH repeatedly says it's because I've put on weight). It really is traumatic. In our case, I don't believe him - I think natural aging (he's older than me) causes the sex issue and it's less embarrassing to blame me. I'm not sure if it makes it better or worse that I don't have much to lose (170 cm / 69 kg and do weights; have weighed 65-70 kg all the time I've been with him - 22 years) - the feeling of complete loss of self esteem is the same and really hard to get over. He says he 'wants to help me eat less' (I don't particularly want to eat less, thank you very much) and I'm afraid it will impact my (gorgeous, stick thin) 14 year old daughter. In other ways he's a good husband and I do believe that he loves me and has made this into a real issue in his head that he genuinely does emotionally feel - in order to deflect thinking about the real issues. But that doesn't help my self esteem one little bit. I've just this week concluded that, for me, after several years of this and realising that I can't please him (along with a sense of anger - why should I?), I need some counselling to help me work it all out and develop a strategy to hopefully save the marriage, which I do value. I think he'll need to talk it through with an outsider too, but I have to get some strength/confidence back before proposing that. Not trying to derail your post, just saying that if you don't nip this in the bud and talk it through honestly together, maybe with an outsider, it will grow and become more and more corrosive. And also that there is a place for understanding / sympathising with him (with caution that this is very likely not the full issue). Good luck! (PS FWIW my husband was also a bit weird about TTC - sex for its biological function seemed to be a turnoff to him at times; I would say, though, that we remained fully happy for 8-10 years after my daughter was born with the weight thing only surfacing a lot later, as he began to feel old)

wldpwr · 18/09/2025 14:54

The truth is, you are very unlikely to lose the weight and keep it off, especially if you are going to have children. So it's important you both want to be with each other as you are.

It is also possible he is having trouble because part of him doesn't really want to have children.

FunnysInLaJardin · 18/09/2025 15:02

Alicealig · 18/09/2025 14:36

He sounds like the type of man we could do with more of.

I expect most people here would prefer a lying poc. The creepy kind that lies about how beautiful you are because if he doesn't you'll go into hysterics about how wrong he is not to be physically attracted to fat women.

If you've asked your partner to be honest and he has been, this is the kind of man who you should be raising children with.

He's explained he loves you and does in fact accept you for how you are but has been specific about the things he would like to see different. I think there are a lot of deluded women on here who think that their partners wouldnt like it if they lost a few pounds but what do that care. As far as they care their men must accept them, as if the way they feel doesn't matter.

Once you lose sight of how your partner feels you lose the relationship, which is probably why there are so many single unhappy overweight women around.

Go to zumba classes, learn about healthy eating. Do this because it will make you and your relationship better. This is one piece of advice I've given and followed for years and we're still happy 16 years on. If my DH starts slipping I'm the first to tell him. Okay jokey at first but I have more self respect than be seen with a husband that's the size of a house. It's lazy, greedy and above all UNHEALTHY.

so says the person who clearly has no clue about the various ways you can suffer with an eating disorder.

Assume if either you or your DH had mental health issues you would just tell each other to snap out of it?

What an absolutely toxic comment

Somelikeitdry · 18/09/2025 15:06

wldpwr · 18/09/2025 14:54

The truth is, you are very unlikely to lose the weight and keep it off, especially if you are going to have children. So it's important you both want to be with each other as you are.

It is also possible he is having trouble because part of him doesn't really want to have children.

'you are very unlikely to lose weight and keep it off...' blimey! She could lose the weight, it's only 2 stones you make it sound like 20! but I agree with the rest of your comment.

Moveoverdarlin · 18/09/2025 15:10

He’s just being honest. You asked him. If my partner gained weight since I had met them I would one hundred percent find it unattractive. I’d never say that. But if he genuinely asked me I would tell him, because I do actually want him to lose it.

You can’t leave him or not have DC with him because he …told the truth.

TattooStan · 18/09/2025 15:18

I'm afraid I couldn't find DH attractive if he was very overweight. I don't like how it looks and what it represents in lifestyle preferences.
If you've you've lost 3lbs this week just by cutting out full sugar drinks, I'd imagine there are other easy wins you can make, as full sugar drinks are about the most pointless way you can find of consuming unnecessary calories.