Partner says he loves me but not attracted to my weight.

[Caz92]

Hi everyone. Let me first say, I'm not 100% sure I am posting in the correct forum but I'll give ahead anyway.
Me and my partner have been together 8 years and I am 5ft 9 and just under 15st and have always been on the heavy side. I did loose weight several times but always done it in unhealthy way which caused the weight to pile back on.
Now my boyfriend is not a nasty guy and is a very caring person who I get along with well and we are also trying for a baby.
I was around 13st when we got together and I have always had a belly, even when I was a size 10. I lost weight and managed to maintain as I had a very active job and went to the gym regularly but I had a knee injury which set me back and still causes me issues. 3 years ago I started a new job which meant I'll be sitting down more and over time the weight pilled back on. The other day during some intimate time he kept loosing his well "mojo" if you get what I mean. This only started happening recently and I questioned him and I thought maybe I'm putting too much pressure on him due to being intimate on fertile days and tracking ovulation. I just told him to be honest and asked him if my body was turning him off especially my stomach and he said yes. Now I'm not angry at him as I understand his preferences are valid and he's not wrong that my life style is unhealthy and he just wants the best. But it's still a HUGE knife to the heart as my body and food issues have been a problem for my whole life. I am just having a vent about it. I have currently lost 3 lbs this week from cutting out full sugar drinks and making lunches and coffees at home to bring to work. I know I need to change, not for him but for my future children but it still hurts so much.

Yeah he will likely find another excuse or way to blame the OP if she loses weight.

Oof op I am not sure you should have a baby with a man that has outwardly said he finds you undesirable. It’s a dealbreaker isn’t it?

When there’s a woman who is not attracted to their overweight husband do you ask them if they are a supermodel? No? Funny that

I don't understand all the hatred towards him. You can't help who you find physically attractive. I wouldn't want to have sex with my husband if he was overweight as I would find if a complete turnoff. I'm not proud of it, and I was it wasn't the case, but that's the reality.

I'd understand the hate more if he was the one to raise it or was pressurising her. But she asked him to be honest and it sounds like he was as gentle about it as he could be. The alternative was for him to lie, which to my mind would be worse.

I agree with this.

Very good.
I am not overweight myself and as a woman,
I would absolutely not choose an overweight man for a partner.
Naturally.

I think this is difficult because you did ask and he obviously has a preference regards your physical appearance. That's not 'wrong' per se but is that going to be compatible with you and your natural body composition? You're tall and although 15 stone is overweight, I imagine you can't be more than a size 16. You've mentioned your weight has gone up and down in the past (very common!) and it's likely that would continue to be the case in the future (to a degree). Throw in the fact you want children (which will result in some weight gain, even if it's temporary) are you ever going to feel any 'peace' with yourself in this relationship knowing that his attraction is so tied to your weight?

I wouldn't underestimate the pressure that puts you under and also the damage to your confidence and self esteem. You might have the motivation now to lose some weight, but what about post birth when you're functioning on zero sleep and have a tiny human to care for?

As hard as it is, I'd think long and hard about whether you want to commit long term to someone who feels this way. While he maybe can't help it, that doesn't take away from the fact that this will be a sort of axe over your head, with the constant pressure to look a certain way to be 'attractive' to him. Personally I just couldn't live like that. It would do a number on my mental health.

@Flibbertyfloo I’m not hating on him, I’m just not fully convinced that he loses his erection because of her weight. I’ve never known a man who wasn’t stimulated by oral, for example, so if that’s not working, something’s not right. I can only speak from my own experience of course.

It could be medication if he’s on anything?

jeez 🙄yes, why live with disorder when it is totally within your capabilities to live with perfect order. You utter fool

do what is right for you @Caz92 , not what is right for him

Try reading the post properly and you might feel less frustrated. No one mentioned anything about anyone being capable of perfectly ordered lives. That's the ideal. However, everyone IS capable of striving towards order, and working towards the goal. It's never good to remain in a constant or long term state of disorder. That will only result in more disorder.

I understand we all have different opinions on this, I expect that.

No one wants to be told their body isn't attractive especially of its something that makes them insecure.

He was in no way nasty about it and I could see by his expression he felt very uncomfortable and guilty for saying so. Would be a different story if he just randomly said it to upset me. I asked him and got the answer and that's on me.

I do feel a bit better about it as I have had time to process it and understand his preferences are valid.

That been said I weighed myself this morning and I'm down to 14st 11 🎉🎉
Only a few pounds but its a start by cutting out the unhealthy snacks and eating proper meals. The iced coffees and sugary snacks were my downfall. I'm weighing everything out again.

Regardless if me and him stay together, maybe it's what I needed to get a kick up the backside.

I thought about weight loss injections but I'm on medications that may not be good to take with. I have no health issues that effect my weight.

I'll keep doing what I'm doing, I want be around and healthy for my future kids.

Really well done!!!! I'm on the same journey, should have done it ages ago but I'm doing it NOW.

You'll feel better, look better, feel sexier in yourself, be healthier, find conception, pregnancy and childbirth easier, be more energetic dealing with baby, toddler, tween and teen, and your peri menopause will be more under control. And your general health will benefit.

Little by little, step by step, think well done me!

It sounds like you both communicate and have the confidence to share how you're feeling and to do something about it.

This is likely true, but i guess what the op needs to ask herself is, if weight has been something she has struggled with, is a man who requires a certain look to feel attracted to her the right man for her.

It is true up to a point that we can't help what we are attracted to. I personally find very skinny men (the type who parade round all wiry in their lycra cycling kit) a turn-off. HOWEVER I do think that as a society we need to work harder not to promote and ingrain these attitudes - because that's where it comes from ultimately. Many societies revere a larger female body, as did European society at points. At the back of preferences are attitudes and fashion, even if they are too deep for us to be aware of them.

It worries me the extent to which people feel entitled to tell heavier people they "need" to be healthier, when in fact there are plenty of things people need to do for their betterment or a better life, but most of them would be seen as falling outside other people's business. Weight is currently seen as a free pass - already people are here saying "well actually it's a good thing op."

I don't believe it is a good thing that people are excusing the DP for this. He knew how she looked when he got with her. And beyond that, other affections should step in over time. My DH doesn't look like he once did. So what? Most people carry affection a little deeper. And for that reason, frankly, I expect its another ED or ttc anxiety issue and he's not been brave enough (or honest enough) to accept it.

This is exactly what I think op.

You are entitled to have the right partner for YOU.

Don't let people shame you into feeling it's your fault you aren't "physically good enough" for this man.

I'm very confused why people are saying he was cruel. She pushed him and he admitted he doesn't find it attractive. Was he meant to lie?

I suppose some of us think a person for whom that would be the truth is a bit cruel. Mostly in a relationship - at least after a while - there's deeper feelings involved than pure aesthetics.

I totally get that and agree.

However, if he is losing his erection this is a physical thing and you still need to be physically attracted to the person. I mean he has that issue and she wanted to know why.

I really don't see how him being truthful is cruel. Hurtful perhaps, but then if you are overweight it's dangerous and the OP seems to express that he also had concern for her health, which would be totally reasonable.

My childhood crush was Chris Penn so I'm not saying fat isn't attractive but if her body changed and he can't keep it up then surely it's something work on for them both.

OP why aren’t you getting married before TTC? Eight years is a long time to be together with no commitment and now you’re willingly trying for a baby because he wants to? Don’t have a baby with him, it sounds like he is getting cold feet.