Partner says he loves me but not attracted to my weight.

[Caz92]

Hi everyone. Let me first say, I'm not 100% sure I am posting in the correct forum but I'll give ahead anyway.
Me and my partner have been together 8 years and I am 5ft 9 and just under 15st and have always been on the heavy side. I did loose weight several times but always done it in unhealthy way which caused the weight to pile back on.
Now my boyfriend is not a nasty guy and is a very caring person who I get along with well and we are also trying for a baby.
I was around 13st when we got together and I have always had a belly, even when I was a size 10. I lost weight and managed to maintain as I had a very active job and went to the gym regularly but I had a knee injury which set me back and still causes me issues. 3 years ago I started a new job which meant I'll be sitting down more and over time the weight pilled back on. The other day during some intimate time he kept loosing his well "mojo" if you get what I mean. This only started happening recently and I questioned him and I thought maybe I'm putting too much pressure on him due to being intimate on fertile days and tracking ovulation. I just told him to be honest and asked him if my body was turning him off especially my stomach and he said yes. Now I'm not angry at him as I understand his preferences are valid and he's not wrong that my life style is unhealthy and he just wants the best. But it's still a HUGE knife to the heart as my body and food issues have been a problem for my whole life. I am just having a vent about it. I have currently lost 3 lbs this week from cutting out full sugar drinks and making lunches and coffees at home to bring to work. I know I need to change, not for him but for my future children but it still hurts so much.

Sounds like you automatically thought it was your body to blame for the loss of his erection and he jumped at the chance. Ask him to address his own issue as well. Btw does he watch porn?
While you're both being honest, ask him if he really wants a baby as well.
If you really want to lose weight and be healthier then there's lots of support around. Counting calories and focusing on protein will do the trick. You need to do it for yourself though, not to make him fancy you.

I think he doesn’t want a baby. Aside from that what a horrible thing to have said to avoid admitting it. If you do get pregnant I’d expect him to have an affair, leave, or both.

There’d be absolutely no coming back from this for me and I’d advise ending it now, (hopefully you haven’t conceived yet) and finding someone who loves your body as it is - which sounds very normal and is unlikely to change as you get older and have children.

I think that’s all far too deep and drastic. I think it will boil down to preferring the way his wife looks at 13 stone compared to 15 stone. It’s not that deep.

If you're happy with your body and don't want to change, then there will be men out there who love you and love your body.
So don't put up with anything less.

If you want to change for you and your health, then I would consider weight loss injections.

I’d not have children with this man. I’d also not have children without the legal protection of marriage.

God men can't win on here can they?

They lie they are bastards, be honest and they are still bastards 🙄

I think you asked the question, you asked him to be honest with you, and he was. All this 'if he loved you, he would be attracted to you whatever size you are' is bollocks. Its just not like that for everyone.

I love my DH and I adore him. I am physically attracted to him because he still looks the same as he did when we married. He takes care of himself and I appreciate that. I would still be attracted to him with a few extra pounds but I have to be honest, a couple of stone? I honestly don't know if I would be as attracted to him, no.

Would I still love and adore him, of course, but I have to be honest in that I think it would have an affect on how sexually attractive I found him. And I think it would go the same way the other way round.

Doesn't mean either of us would look for it elsewhere, or even be tempted to cheat, but it would obviously affect that part of our relationship.

I admire honesty in a relationship, even if it does smart a bit.

Better than him being a lying bastard who leads you on.

I’d be a bit sceptical that gaining two stone has suddenly made him incapable of even maintaining an erection he’s so turned off. It’s hardly extreme. If OP had been 8 stone when they met and was now 15 stone then perhaps, but it’s not exactly that dramatic a gain for a tall woman who was already 13 stone.

Some men find the pressure of TTC means they fail to get it/keep it up and they get embarrassed about it.

I think it’s this. He met you at 13 stone and you’re currently 15 stone. It’s not a huge jump. And I’ll be honest OP I don’t think TTC is the right thing either for your health or your relationship right now. Being pregnant is going to change your body again, and you seem to have a very unhealthy relationship with food, weight and body image, and if your partner is claiming to be so unattracted to you that he can’t maintain an erection now (which again, I think is a lie) then what will he be saying when you’ve had a baby and your body has changed?

I'm perfectly aware of the many disorders people suffer from. However, nonetheless, they are still disorders, in other words, not orderly, negative, far from ideal, in chaos. Are you saying its good to live with disorder or do you think we should strive in an attempt to move towards order?

Ah, you're conflating smaller/lighter with healthier and assuming people who aren't light are all greedy, non-exercising idiots.

Smug, damaging and really very ill-informed.

Dude should love you for yourself, if he doesn't and wants you to change all the time, then the only change really necessary is the removal of said bloke from your life.

If you want to get pregnant losing 2 stone will really help. If you want to get healthier ditto. Don't lose it for him lose it for you.

Well done! 3lb in a week by making sensible choices is a great sustainable result.

Im 5'8 and hit 15.5 stone a while back, my heaviest ever.

I've dropped just over a stone in two months by:

No more pastries with cappuccinos in cafes

No more evening treats - hot cross buns, chocky biscuits etc.

Fruit for pudding.

1/4 protein, 1/4 carbs, 1/2 veg/salad for main meal.

Sensible breakfast.

Reduce booze.

And I'm not 'on a diet' - I've changed how I eat because I'm 62 and post meno and my metabolism has changed. So will yours - so take control now, and just think in terms of a pound or two a week - it will soon be noticeable.

Now - about him. We are attracted to and turned on by what works for us, and if we're being given something that's a turn off, we cannot force it. And an erection is one thing that cannot be faked or forced.

He is not turned on - and that doesn't make him a bad person. And the fact he was able to tell you is positive, even though you didn't want to hear it. Hearing unwelcome responses is sometimes what we need.

How many women here have said how they have got the ick because husbands have become fat, unfit, snore, lack energy etc?

Keep up the good work - a slimmer, fitter, healthier you will be better placed to have a baby and rush round after a toddler.

All the best to you both.

And feeling he has to perform to order and to a timetable, as a sperm donor, may be affecting him too.

Forget the ovulation charts and the temperature and all that and just get back to having some fun together purely for each other, at least for a while.

What about him, is he an Adonis?

I understood childbirth is supposed to be easier if one is not overweight to start with.

I think it is quite a jump really. OP has probably gone from just overweight to obese. 2 stone when you carry it on your stomach is a lot.

"He is embarrassed by losing wood and deflecting it onto you which is absolutely disgusting".

100% this. Sure you may need/want to lose some weight but his problem is his problem.

You have not put on a whole lot in the scheme of things - 2 stone would not make you look that different.

I am struck by the question you asked him. You obviously dont feel great about yourself and the question demonstrates that. Can he do anything to support you in what you want to do about it?

FWIW, with people I love, their physical changes have never made me feel less positive or attracted to them.

Op you mentioned you’re not happy with the couple of stone gain in weight.
You’ve made a great start by cutting out the obvious sugary drinks etc.
Unless you want to go down the Mounjaro route, I’ve lost weight and kept it off by joining Slimpod, it’s a completely different way of eating and for me and many others it has worked.
Its not expensive, you get a 10dsy trial period then pay about hundred pound over 3 months, then it’s free for life.
There’s so much support I really can’t recommend it enough and feeling lighter and healthier is just great.
Good luck op ❤️

Cutting out sugared drinks and making healthy pack lunches is a great idea. But do it to make you feel better, healthier, happier, stronger and to save money.

Don't ever do anything with regards to your appearance because a man tells you to.

I'm sure he's no god like adonis looks wise. If he's got performance issues he shouldn't be saying it's down to you to lose weight in order to 'solve' them.

Im now fifty two. i lost ten stone with Slimming World in the early two thousands Im child free by choice anyway. But after all that effort the last thing i wanted was to get bloody pregnant.

Hey everyone! Didn't realise this caught alot of attention haha! I read through as much as I could.

Now I am aware I asked the question and I did tell him I would rather honestly and yes the truth does hurt sometimes lol. That's why I am not angry at him or getting defensive. Its just a hard pill to swallow sometimes when you realise that my life style is a problem. We are still on good terms and had a chat about it.

The whole TTC was actually his idea but he could be getting cold feet and doesn't have the heart to say anything but this is something we need to discuss. I think putting it on hold for now is a better idea.

He wasn't being mean or nasty, that's just not his nature. I asked him for the truth and got it. He told me that he is worried about me and wants me to live a healthier lifestyle and I agree things need to change.

I made some changes this week and gave lost a few pounds. I am eating breakfast now as before I would never eat until 2pm then of course get the night time munches.

Its not nice being told your body is unattractive and I have every right to be upset about it but at the same time, he has every right to have a preference, maybe 10 years ago I would of thrown a tantrum and reacted badly but I love him and I know he didn't want to intentionally upset me.

I'll continue with healthier choices. Now that colder weather is coming I think I'm gunna start making soups 😂

who says he was being honest ? He had the erectile disfunction and rather than asking reasonably “ what’s the matter “ or some such variation on that question you offered up the explanation that made sense to you. ( why would you presume it was about your body and not about some aspect of his physiology?) You asked a leading question and all he had to do was say “yes” - “ yes it’s about you actually “ Now he doesn’t have to do any work on the problem himself because all the pressure is on you to lose the weight and fix his penis. And if his penis doesn’t work even after you lose 2 stone maybe it’s still about you but maybe it’s now about your teeth and you’ll be running off to get Invisalign. Just a thought OP… you offered up a solution before even knowing what the problem was.

I have mixed feelings about this, OP. I was a similar weight and have lost four and a half stone, meaning I've gone from size 18-20 clothes to size 12. The difference in me is incredible. I have so much more energy, for one thing. Also, as I used Mounjaro, I had to take full length photos and it's only now that I look at them and realise how heavy I'd got. I also look more depressed in those photos.

If he's otherwise a really decent and kind man who loves you and is good to you, I'd think very carefully about how you want your own future to look. If you're thinking of trying to conceive then you know you'll end up heavier than you are now and it'll be so much harder to come back from it.

I’m not convinced that your size is causing his erectile dysfunction. IME, it doesn’t happen that easily. I’d advise him to see the doctor about it.