Too scared to lose weight

[Pearsplums]

I know this seems strange, but does anyone else feel this way?

Similar to the “lost 6 stone” thread, I hate the judgement around weight loss. When I was in my 20s I lost about 4 stone in 4 months because I needed an operation. I went from a size 16 to a size 8-10. EVERYONE commented on it, and I hated it, because I hadn’t done it for any reason other than the operation and knew I would gain it back (and would have been happy with that if it hadn’t been for the judgement).

I absolutely can’t bear the idea of sitting through all the “well done, your heart will thank you, and think of your kids” comments. Maybe I could just keep wearing baggy clothes to hide any weight loss?

But it’s not just that. Now at age 50 and 110kg I think I probably should lose weight for my joints and for varicose veins. But I am put off by so many other reasons too:

When I eat less I feel shakey and weak, and I really hate the feeling. To me it feels very much like a signal from my body that something is wrong, and I find that difficult to dismiss.

I really hate the idea of having saggy skin and baggy boobs.

I actually really like my body as it is now. I like the look and feel of it, I like my clothes. I just happen to be several stone overweight. I feel like I would lose myself.

I do have a bit of a demand-avoidant personality, so I do wonder if it is just that?

I am lucky in that when I set my mind to a goal I usually have no real issues with will power, so if I can decide to lose weight then I am pretty sure I will be able to do so. But at the moment if i visualise a future where I am thinner, I don’t see myself as happy. I feel like I should be though.

Help.

Lose weight slowly? People will not notice if you lose half a pound a week. You'll be less likely to get saggy skin. You won't feel deprived and hungry/shaky.
Most people with a lot to lose need the motivation of quick weight loss to keep them going, but you say you have great willpower so maybe the slow approach will be better for you?

People who have experienced this feeling themselves will know better than me, OP, but what struck me was that if it weren't for other people's judgements (and some health worries) you'd be pretty happy just as you are.

Have you considered aiming for increased strength, maybe by weight lifting? It would allow you much more food than a diet so you wouldn't get that shaky feeling. It wouldn't shrink you as quickly as a diet so it would be less noticeable to others, for a while at least. You also might not have that feeling of losing yourself if you're building muscle. And it would address your health issues.

Aren't you scared of diabetes, heart disease and all the other nasty stuff that comes with being overweight? I am a bit older than you, and I can already see the impact on all my friends who are overweight. I don't really understand this.

Thinking the same. You don't have to crash diet. Make some small adjustments so you're not hungry and shaky, enjoy trying new recipes. Lose weight slowly, it's not as noticeable and far less likely to have excess skin. Combine with doing exercise you enjoy.

At this age, weight loss is slow anyway, unless you are very atypical

I think the best thing to do is to just be healthier. Eat better and move more. Don't focus on the numbers on the scales. Weight loss will come, but it will be slow, but that's the best way to do it. Don't worry about what other people say. Just try to be the healthiest you can, because that's the most important thing.

So I really didn’t mean to drip feed, but I am fit and I am strong. I do yoga daily and can happily handstand and headstand. I can run 10k (but am happier with 5k). I get my steps in daily and I walk miles each week. I also eat good home looked food. I just happen to be fat.

To the best of my knowledge heart disease is a risk factor from lack of cardiovascular exertion, not from body fat. I (very genuinely) could be wrong. I also have no markers for diabetes. So no I am not scared of heart disease or diabetes. But as I said before the comments “oh your heart will thank you” are actually part of what puts me off.

I do know I should lose weight just for general joint health though.

I’m not managing to articulate what I am trying to say. I think it’s somewhere between a fear of “losing myself” as @TreesWelliesKnees said, and some almost teenage-level rebellion, akin to refusing to tidy my bedroom just because my mum told me to 😅

I like the idea of weight training to slowly lose weight without the feeling of weakness or wasting away.

I’m obviously not managing to make myself clear. Sorry. I really appreciate the input, but that’s not the problem.

It’s not that I am trying to lose weight but don’t know how, it’s that I think I should probably want to lose weight, but don’t actually want to.

I think you are wrong about heart disease or many other diseases not being linked to obesity, but of course you can do what you want to do (that sounds as if I am flouncing. I am not). I can't run at all, not even 1 k.

Not having a go but genuinely mulling over whether someone skinny but unfit has any health advantage over someone overweight but fit. I'm wondering whether they just about are the same.

You are at higher risk of about 200 different cancers because you are fat. You may be fit and healthy now but all of us will experience a decline in health as we age and I think you'll regret not losing the weight later in life when your joints all start complaining.

Basically excess adipose tissue in your abdomen especially does put pressure on your organs and at some point, causes inflammation which has a cascade effect to your other organs and tissues. For instance very large legs can reduce your mobility and affect your vascular and lymphatic systems

Reducing abdominal fat is important for health but we don’t get to choose where we lose it. Being obese is a higher Risk factor for diabetes. If you continue to get bigger it will impact your joints at some stage

Being afraid of being hungry is the no1 issue most people list as an issue to be honest. No one likes the feeling but it would suggest you are not eating at all right if you are having low blood sugar episodes. Reducing your food intake should not lead to the shakes. Firstly you would need to work out your calories for your body measurements and your activity, and you could possibly just eat at your ‘maintenance’ level and not eat in a deficit and this will probably help you lose some weight if you are over eating. My maintenance was 2,500 a day, which is a decent amount however I was really eating over 3,000 and more on weekends so it was a shock. I did not need 3,000 calories a day to survive I can live on less than that and not be starving myself. You could look at your portion sizes, cut down on alcohol etc without ‘dieting’

I hate the attention so never tell people I’m dieting. Last time I lost weight I did get a couple of comments but they were subtle, polite and it was okay. Then I put the weight back on and I became invisible in my work place. I hate it and I’m on it to lose the weight but also hoping to avoid comments about my body. I just want the respect back I used to have.

Often the reason we are afraid is because something is hard and scary. I don’t know your height but I am 5’5 and when I was 100kg I was a 16-18 and I really struggled in hot weather, my knees and back hurt a lot and I was pre-diabetic. Also I was a bit in denial that I was fine and deluding myself I was comfortable with being fat.

I think those of us who have dieted before have bad associations with the process, thinking it’s 1200 calories a day, low carb, no fun and always hungry - this is not right

there are lots of different methods of changing your lifestyle and just eating LESS food and making food swaps or cutting down habits like alcohol is usually a simple and far less painful solution.

I must be very bad at getting the issue across.

I am not having low blood sugar episodes. I am not “afraid of being hungry”. I am already clear on how a calorie deficit works.

I appreciate everyone who has responded, and understand that you are predominately sharing the problems you have had and what has worked for you. It doesn’t however seem to be the same as what I am asking.

Right well you said you didn’t like feeling weak shaky and hungry so yes I agree the translation is not easy to work out here. If that happens then the deficit is too big and also it insinuates you need to starve yourself to lose weight

good luck whatever you decide

It sounds like you want to have the mindset to lose weight but can't really make yourself want to do it, because actually there are real and compelling reasons not to. Maybe it would help to make a list of reasons to stay as you are and a list of reasons to lose weight. Then you can decide from there which reasons feel most important, or consider whether some of those reasons (eg fear of judgement by others) might actually be barriers getting in the way of what you really want.

If health is your priority, and you decide you want to lose weight, you could focus on the health and fitness aspect rather than what the scales say. If people comment on your weight loss you could say, 'oh, I've no idea if I've lost weight, I don't own scales.' If they push it and keep banging on, you could deflect and talk about the exercise or sport you're doing.

You sound pretty happy as you are OP, so perhaps 'should I want to lose weight?' isn't a question with which to preoccupy yourself.
Obviously there are the health risks, but most people know those. I was about 10kg heavier than you and felt OK with my body/size, but got diagnosed with T2 diabetes, and that kickstarted weight loss. I haven't minded the comments, as most are complimentary and well-intended, but some of the things people say when you've lost weight are a bit eye-opening and I know what you mean about wondering if you've lost a version of yourself.

Thank you these are really helpful. I think I am starting to get it straight in my head.

I wonder if it could be because as a younger child I was small and skinny, and always felt weak. Particularly with an older brother who would make fun of me for being “little”. And then I shot up with puberty to be a 6ft tall woman (which was very tall for the time, although more girls are that height now). As a result I felt stronger and … less vulnerable I guess? And the sports I played were full of strong but not skinny girls too (rugby, hockey, rowing).

I think the idea of weight training alongside slow weight loss is probably spot on. I could be getting stronger but lighter and won’t feel weak/vulnerable.

@Menora I didn’t say anything at all about feeling hungry. You have just made that assumption. Although a perfectly reasonable assumption on this topic. Just not actually the case 🙂

If you're aged 50 and nearly 17 and a half stone, you may have done irreparable damage that you have no idea about yet.

All this doing handstands and standing on your head etc, is no indicator of what's going on inside, especially with your heart.

If you don't want to lose weight then that's your choice, but I'd own the choice rather than be 'too scared' of what some people might say.

Also (again sorry for unintentional drip feed) I am under the care of an endocrinologist for an unrelated issue, so am really very sure about diabetes, but thanks for everyone’s concern 🙂

What a nasty comment.

It's not a nasty comment at all, why would you say that??

You don't have to choose between staying as you are or being skinny and saggy. Even losing a few stone would massively benefit your health.