Too scared to lose weight

[Pearsplums]

I know this seems strange, but does anyone else feel this way?

Similar to the “lost 6 stone” thread, I hate the judgement around weight loss. When I was in my 20s I lost about 4 stone in 4 months because I needed an operation. I went from a size 16 to a size 8-10. EVERYONE commented on it, and I hated it, because I hadn’t done it for any reason other than the operation and knew I would gain it back (and would have been happy with that if it hadn’t been for the judgement).

I absolutely can’t bear the idea of sitting through all the “well done, your heart will thank you, and think of your kids” comments. Maybe I could just keep wearing baggy clothes to hide any weight loss?

But it’s not just that. Now at age 50 and 110kg I think I probably should lose weight for my joints and for varicose veins. But I am put off by so many other reasons too:

When I eat less I feel shakey and weak, and I really hate the feeling. To me it feels very much like a signal from my body that something is wrong, and I find that difficult to dismiss.

I really hate the idea of having saggy skin and baggy boobs.

I actually really like my body as it is now. I like the look and feel of it, I like my clothes. I just happen to be several stone overweight. I feel like I would lose myself.

I do have a bit of a demand-avoidant personality, so I do wonder if it is just that?

I am lucky in that when I set my mind to a goal I usually have no real issues with will power, so if I can decide to lose weight then I am pretty sure I will be able to do so. But at the moment if i visualise a future where I am thinner, I don’t see myself as happy. I feel like I should be though.

Help.

Losing weight in your 50’s will be incredibly slow and difficult- it won’t be like in your 20’s when you shifted 4 stone fairly easily.

Why not aim to lose 1 stone ? And see how you feel? Honestly, no one will notice.

You say you like your body now but have joint problems and varicose veins ? Nothing to like about those!

However, nothing will change if you can’t overcome your mental block. Easier said than done but you seem to be “hiding” behind your weight in a way, as if it’s your comfort blanket.

There is no need to gaslight me Op to fit this agenda, you wrote:

When I eat less I feel shakey and weak, and I really hate the feeling. To me it feels very much like a signal from my body that something is wrong, and I find that difficult to dismiss.

you seem to have an issue with anyone suggesting weight loss as it’s hitting a nerve. This is a deeper issue as you posted on a WL forum asking if you should lose weight for your health. Yes probably. Most people should for their health. But you don’t have to if you don’t want to. You don’t need mine or anyone else’s permission. I suggest some therapy to unpick these issues around control and your identity and I mean this kindly not in a mean girl sarcasm way

I'm in my fifties, I've never been overweight and I can quite categorically state that we all sag anyway.

So I'd cross that off your list of worries.

I feel like we are on different threads?

I am certainly not gaslighting you. I can assure you I didn’t write anything about feeling hungry. Please go back and check. I wrote about feeling shakey and weak. I’m sorry, but that is not the same thing as hungry.

I have no issue with anyone suggesting weight loss. It is literally what I am asking about. However no, I didn’t ask if I should lose weight for my health. I said that I thought I should probably lose weight for my joint health and varicose veins. (I thought it was then a little odd that people generally assumed I had heart problems at diabetes).

I love that! 😅💖

That is very genuinely inspirational.

There's a massive amount of fat phobia out there...
Yeah being overweight increases your risks for some ailments but so do loads of other factors that people do not get as judgemental about.
If you are eating healthily, exercising, your medical stats are fine and you are happy in yourself then really people need to bug off with thier judgemental nonsense based on appearances.
The type of diet you eat, amount of exercise, family history and genetics are all far more important than your weight in terns of your health. The main issue about weight is that for many people it can be a signal that someone's diet is bad and they do not get enough exercise.. and those things can negatively effect your health. However it's also possible for people to not be overweight and have these issues.
Obviously if you are heavier there is more stress on your joints and your cardio vascular system.. so Obviously it's not ideal to be overweight... but you certainly CAN be overweight but still pretty healthy. I do think it's ridiculous the way people foam at the mouth about 'fat people'.
There's loads of less than ideal health situations but being overweight is one people really focus on when they completely leave people alone about others. There are irrational moral judgements tied up in it all.

@SmileyClare yes, all very true!

Thanks @Starsandflowers (and what a lovely supportive post). Maybe it is confronting the moral judgement that scares me.

I said that I thought I should probably lose weight for my joint health and varicose veins. (I thought it was then a little odd that people generally assumed I had heart problems at diabetes).

I think this is a little bit nit picky.

You may not have heart problems and diabetes now, but next week? Next month? Next year?

Who knows, but if it happens it's very often irreversible, and what you're doing now is the equivalent of lying down in the middle of a busy road while those buses somehow miss you.

Hopefully your luck won't run out, but you never want to be in a position where you look back and regret not making preventative changes whilst you could.

The type of diet you eat, amount of exercise, family history and genetics are all far more important than your weight in terns of your health.

But health includes knackered joints and knee/hip replacements etc.

Always best to at least try to avoid that even though there are no guarantees.

Yeah I get what you mean.. it's hard if you just want to lose a few pounds to help your joints and then you feel like people will think you buy into all the crap about thinness being morally superior.
People start congratulating you as though you were a heroin addict whose gotten clean, it's ridiculous.
The thinnest I've ever been was 9 stone (I'm 5ft 8) and I got so much attention and praise... but i had an eating disorder and was extremely unhealthy.. living off diet coke and chewing gum and having heart palpitations. It's sad. It makes me sad that people pass judgement on people's health based on aesthetics.
Good health looks very different for different people you can't just pin it to weight.

I think you’re actually afraid of putting in the effort of losing the weight and then putting it back on again, but you’re pretty good at arguing so I doubt you’ll give that idea house room 😉

😅How much will it mess with your head if I say that you might be right?

I think that might be one of many factors, although it hadn’t occurred to me until reading the “I lost 6 stone” thread. And of course it’s tied up in the judgement from other people.

You seem to be very concerned about what other people say or think, and whether they will think you think thinness is morally superior. Reads to me like a lot of overthinking, but then I am quite basic.

I don't feel good when I am overweight, so I try to lose it. Other people's judgement is immaterial; they aren't dealing with my aching knees.

I think trying to rebel against fatphobia and moral judgement by getting fat just so you can say "ya boo sucks" to everyone is quite teenage actually ( as you say yourself) and is cutting off your nose to spite your face. If you are as happy as you say you are, then carry on, honestly. But you did ask.

I really wouldn't worry OP. I've lost 4.5 st in the last 11 months and virtually no one has commented unless they know me well enough to know I've been actively losing weight. People I don't see often and who don't know about it have said SFA and if I'm honest, that upsets me a little! I'd love some compliments!
Although this isn't my first rodeo at weight loss. I have lost the same fucking weight 4 times now and not kept it off for more than 3 years. so maybe people have just given up on me ever keeping it off. 🤦‍♀️

The difference in treatment from people from being overweight to slim was unbelievable, I wasn't expecting that at all. I was the same person, same personality and good heart. But suddenly I was worthy of respect, being talked to, people going out of their way for me.

It's not incredibly difficult and slow, I lost over 3.5 stone last year. I didn't tell anyone and no one noticed until at about 3 stone and suddenly everyone did and by then I didn't really care one way or the other. I'm in my 50s.

It very much can be, as a lot of MNetters have attested through the years.

You need to be motivated enough to introduce changes (small, big, whatever works) and intrinsic motivation works better than extrinsic one to make these changes permanent, so if you don't want to lose weight, I would not do it for the sake of external pressures or people's opinion.

I have to say I also interpreted your description of "feeling shakey and weak", as very clear signs of hypoglycemia. Feeling shaky and weak are among the top 5 symptoms. The normal body response to this and another symptom is hunger. Yet, you say you don't feel hungry. Maybe it is something to discuss with your GP?

I'm not sure I understand why the fat phobia argument is brought up? PPs talk about increased risks (cancer, cardiovascular issues, diabetes, mobility problems) which are quite well documented so it is not exactly "irrational fear".

I think it’s completely understandable don’t especially want to loose weight.

But as you say it’s not good for your joints, and causes inflammation that results in increased risk of cancer etc etc.

Weight lifting is a good idea generally but it won’t cause you to loose weight.

I’d work on two things

Switching your mindset so you loose weight slowly for you and find a way to ignore daft comments. Work with a therapist if necs

Work out what’s going on with food and dizziness / weakness. At 17 stone you are eating quite a lot more than you need (even if you are very tall and large framed) - perhaps you need to eat more regularly? I’d perhaps see a dietician on that one

You are in your 50s… but you don’t realise other people have different experiences to you, and some people find weight loss difficult and slow.

How have you lived so long and not picked this up?

Amazingly I have 😊

There's a book called Hunger by Roxanne Gay that might be an interesting read for you.
I understand exactly where you're coming from and, some of the responses in this thread have just not got it!

I wonder if you’ve spent most of your life rejecting the notion of “diets” and championing body positivity- making it known that you like your size and have embraced it- then it feels hypocritical to try to now change yourself?

..almost as if you’re admitting that actually there is something wrong (or parts of being overweight you don’t like) and that feels a bit mortifying to admit to everyone around you (if they notice you’ve lost weight).

It might help to view this as adjusting your eating habits rather than “dieting”? It certainly doesn’t have to be a rapid or drastic change in your appearance- just focusing on improving the physical ailments you’re experiencing- bad knees for example!

If you can make peace with your reasons for making changes then that’ll hopefully silence your concerns about anyone’s reactions.
So it’s not admitting that you don’t like yourself as you are- you’re simply shifting some weight to improve your joint health..

I wouldn’t over estimate how much attention losing weight might cause- most people probably won’t notice and any comments are likely well to be well intentioned and short lived.

I do understand the fear of losing weight, after all the body positivity movement has spent quite a lot of time telling us it’s ok to be any size and we should love ourselves no matter what. And if it’s been your adult identity then it’s hard to envision yourself any other way. Diet culture has made losing weight a painful and miserable experience but my original post is that it does not have to be that way, and many people are having success of reducing their weight to a more comfortable manageable level without misery and pain. It also doesn’t make you a new person it might just make you a more mobile person. The BMi doesn’t take into account I have muscly legs.

I do not disagree with this concept of loving yourself however having gone from fat to no longer fat, life for me is better. I don’t want to go back to being fat, personally, yes it was hard mentally but it was worth it. That does not mean I think everyone should be thin or that I am judging everyone for not being the same as me. It also isn’t fat phobia to not want to be fat anymore. I have not called it a diet, I call it a lifestyle change. I have lipodema which is made so much worse by excess fat, I do not want to lose my mobility. I have a fear of loss of mobility, not of being fat. It just happens that being fat is a contributing factor to loss of mobility, amongst a sedentary lifestyle etc

weight lifting with the right nutrition will help with weight loss by the way to anyone doubting that. It’s more effective than basic cardio for a lot of women. You can eat in a way that is conducive to muscle improvement.