Living with binge eating teen is wrecking my mental health…

[EmmatheStageRat]

So sorry for the pity party, and I hope I don’t offend anyone struggling with food/eating issues here, but I am desperate to engage with others who either live with or are binge eaters.

In the interests of transparency, DD(15) has multiple complexities as she is adopted, has a significant physical disability and has ADHD and autism. DD has always been very interested in food and eating and has never had an ‘off’ button; all my party memories are of her being the last kid sitting at the food table while the others would be running around. Since puberty, there is not enough sugar in the world to fill her up. DD always has to eat her share then take ours. I have had to hide her six-year-old sister’s Christmas chocolates in the shoe cleaning bag in the hope that DD will not find them and eat them. She has no boundaries.

DD has previously broken into a lockbox where I’d tried to keep treats safe. I cannot keep a single penny in our house as she regularly ransacks my bag, purse, pockets, money boxes for cash to fund her habit.

My elderly and frail mother is totally housebound with no mobility and I’ve discovered that DD has been stealing huge quantities of £20 notes (money under the mattress generation, sadly).

It was DD’s birthday two days after Christmas and I spoiled her, despite our low income. The very next day, I discovered that she had actually stolen my mum’s bank card in order to go to our local sweet shop. I warned her that I would phone the police the next time I discovered a theft.

Unbelievably, today, I went to hand my lovely postie a fiver from my purse (I’d removed the last of the cash from my mum’s house and hadn’t been quick enough to hide it in the Dobble tin) only, you’ve guessed it, to find the £5 - plus other notes - missing. There is no reasoning with DD, she shows no shame or contrition and she respects no boundaries. I am broken. And I have no help as our local CAMHS is only funded for anorexia cases and not binge eating.

So sorry for this massive cry for help.

honestly its really really really hard to get the right support. And I had bucket loads of money and was able to advocate for myself.

i think you need to start shopping around for a good primary psychiatrist who has experience in complex trauma, adoption etc and who can coordinate the care and interventions that might help.

but that sounds much easier than said. Has she had any sort of mental health/addiction support and interventions?

if she’s intelligent that will be very helpful. Frankly the best support for me has been doing copious reading and analysing myself.

there must be specialists for adopted children born with addicted parents??

Just from a quick Google Paul Sunderland seems to have some interesting content on adoption and addiction

Thank you for the link I’m sure you have posted in all innocence. BUT modern adoption is most definitely NOT about ‘relinquishment’.

Quote = The first problem, says Sunderland, is that the word 'adoption' does not aptly describe what is happening. A more appropriate term, he says, would perhaps be 'relinquishment'.

Today, it is vanishingly rare - in the UK - for birth parents to ‘relinquish’ or ‘give up ‘ their babies or children for adoption. Overwhelmingly, babies or children are removed from birth parents due to possibly overlapping issues of neglect, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, drug and or alcohol misuse. As a contemporary adopter, I find Paul Sunderland’s narrative of ‘relinquishment’ unhelpful and inaccurate; this is NOT how adoption happens these days.

Ok.i no you don't mean to be.amf it must be frustrating but your aiming it at her and she will no it.which will only cause more shame.what she did in the pantry is not her fault.its her illness.and the ravaging nature of it spells to me the absuyecstress response she was in due to her loved ones fall.
Most ed sufferers going through crisis would not have dealt well at all with your mum's suffering never mind actually being able to go round and help.
What she did was a symptom.no different to if a cancer patient lump grew.or a stroke victim had a seizure.she could no differently atop what she did than them.
Have you looked t private therapy.
Talking therapy.extensive psycho analytical therapy.someone who can stick with her to work through all that's hurt her is needed.
She needs to be able to talk.cope.heal.
How does she feel about herself.her body.her behaviours.herself as a person?

Oh dear sorry! It was just from a quick search about addiction and adoption - if he sounds like an idiot then yes please don’t read his work. All the best.

Thank you, it’s always good to get a fresh perspective; I’ve realised from this thread that I have been taking DD’s behaviours too personally. Rationally, I know that she is probably a very sick girl but emotionally, it’s very difficult to cope with the incessant lying and stealing and the daily onslaught of ‘hidden’ wrappers that can leave merry feeling violated, a bit like living in a giant dustbin. I do wonder sometimes if my feelings are shared by those whose partners are alcoholics, for example?

Anyway, I’m grateful to everyone who has taken the time to post and there have been some good recommendations of therapists who are trauma-informed and who work with ED clients. I have already made contact with a couple to see how/if they can help my DD and I to keep our family unit intact.

Happy New Year everyone!

Ok what illness doesn't effect families.im sure they all do.cancer,heart attacks,dementia,how much strain so they put on families.but I think they are sometimes seen as more acceptable and " brave" than those effects that come from a mental illness.which can be seen as more selfish or hurtful or stigmad and the fault of the sufferer.so always always remember like with any other illness that it is just that.an illness. It's not her fault.its not against you.and it as NOT your fault either.and it's perfectly rightbyour feeling the strain.its awful mentally to watch someone you love go through this but add to that how it can seem so brutal outwardly.
Also something to try is to think however much she is doing outwardly it must be agony then for her inward.because the food etc is a symptom of her mental turmoil.the tumour of her pain.
Would she ever want to hurt you?
Plus the cross diagnosis will make things harder for both of you.
It's great you been in tpuchbwith some help options.
Does she feel ready for help?
How does she feel about herself?

@kateandme , thank you. In answer to your question, I don’t know if DD is actually ready to seek or accept help; that’s the kicker for me really as I feel like I am the one carrying the burden of her illness and she fails to take any accountability or want to do anything to try to change things.

Also, another day and another massive binge - including more foods taken from grandma’s pantry under the guise of helping. I am livid that she has ruined a new wool mattress topper on her bed by ‘storing’ bits of chocolate orange and other treats under her sheet. The carpet in her bedroom has long been ruined as, despite a household ‘no eating in bedrooms’ rule, DD constantly defies this, binges in her room and grinds crumbs etc into the floor in a very poor attempt to hide the evidence. I’m feeling so poorly with this virus that I simply don’t have the energy or resilience to cope with any more.

Thank you! I missed this reply first time around but I’ve been combing all the responses again and writing down notes. What difference do you think the Elvanse will make? Can I swap even though DD is under a shared care agreement with a private provider and the NHS? My GP is wonderfully sympathetic and is keen to do anything to help so I feel sure that she would help look into this for me.

What would happen if you said to her you didn’t want to hide things anymore? Given she binges anyway and one of the greatest sources of stress is her hiding it, how do you think she might react if you were to say “I understand right now you can’t control these urges to binge, I don’t want you to hide when/what you’ve been eating, while we look for some help/solutions together”. Would that relieve some of the stress for you both? Or do you think the hiding of it is part of the compulsion for her?

@FartOutLoudDay , thanks, I appreciate the suggestion. I have tried this approach with DD as it’s unfathomable to me that she wouldn’t simply dispose of her wrappers/cans/bottles/packets/jars etc in a bin; it takes more effort, surely, to force them down the back of radiators, for example? I suspect that the stealing and concealing is part of the buzz for her?

I’m going to check out Jim Clifford, thanks for the suggestion.

You haven't answered how your dd feels about herself.or gone into how she is mentally,emotionally.
I get it it.this is effecting you massively but I'm afraid to say she's the poorly one here and trust me she will be feeling horrific too it's one of the cheapest f* illness for everyone involved.
Suppressing,stopping her binges will NOT work until you get to the bottom of why.her behaviours are because of internal ill thoughts,feelings. An eating disorder is never about the food but the person unmet need,thoughts,feelings,self worth I could go on.the food is the outward symptom of the pain.
So imagine the mess your seeing.thats what her head is like for her.shes not doing this for fun op. She really poorly.

I no I no that doesn't take the loaf away from you.
But again say if she had cancer and had ruined the mattress with secretions from chemo or carpet ruined from radiation therapy would it feel the same.thos is her symptoms. Horrid and tough I no.

And sadly until someone feels worthy,ready for help it won't happen.but she has to feel that.she has to feel loved.and cared for and supported enough to both keep her symptoms under control and or seek recovery.
It sounds like she is seeing your tether end and is unable to stop and hates that so is in fact getting worse because of how out of control everything feels.
Trust me,if she could stop for you she would.

Is there anything you could be doing to heal.
Could you do anything together.
Could you talk to her about how she is feeling.
Could she write to you or in a journal
Do any mindfulness or learn some techniques together for when the urges to binge come.
Have a safe word when she feel shitty so instead can come to you and not binge.
Try waiting for 1 minute.2 minute 3 minutes together and increase the time when binge urges come.
Create a toolbox of distractions.
Is she is general way.i g little and often.resyeiction,guilt,shame if any kind will only lead to a binge cycle.
It needs support,lots of taking and she needs to feel better about herself and her environment.

@kateandme I’m just revisiting this thread as the binge eating is still out of control and my sanity is in tatters. Our household is completely dysfunctional.

I’m sorry that I never responded to your last post. In answer to as many of your questions as possible:

DD1 obviously has incredibly poor self-esteem, for many, many complex reasons but she is apparently totally shut down with regards to feelings. We are (finally) having family therapy but it is like pulling teeth for the two therapists to get DD to talk about her thoughts and feelings.

You are right about the unmet needs and my therapist talks about eating disorders as a manifestation of this all the time. I know this rationally but it is extremely hard to live with the antisocial behaviours of an addict. DD seemingly does not want to help herself and I don’t feel I have the resilience or bandwidth to be able to help her any more. It has become apparent that she does not want to grow up and face up to upcoming adulthood: I am burnt out as a parent as I have to do everything for her to help her present a facade of being semi-functional to the outside world. For example, she was set a task to read the instructions for her body clock alarm and set it accordingly to get up in time for school (nine mile service bus trip, so if the bus is missed, there’s not another). This was eight days ago and she still has not managed to do it.

We do do things together (that I orchestrate) but DD is so passive it’s like she is sleep walking through life and I fear for her future as she has so many disabilities, so the employment odds will be stacked against her, but she has so little get-up-and-go.

So hard. One of mine had bulimia which comes with bingeeating and its soul destroying. Binge eating is a disorder in the DSM, and a psychiatric diagnosis bit it's hard to live with. Very frustrating. Support for her, support for you. Can you have a counselor to offload onto?

I also recognise what you say about burnout, mine is similar in that I facilitate everything. This has changed over time though and now she's in college there's more independence, but only some. I am on antidepressants which have helped me a lot and I do relaxation. I don't think there's a magic cure and feeling burned out as a carer is very real.

@Blinkityblonk thanks so much for replying: I started this thread at the start of 2023 and as we are nearing advent, I feel very depressed that my DD1 and I (and DD2) are still stuck in the trenches of a serious eating disorder/psychiatric illness. To compound matters, my local CAMHS eating disorders team will not accept a referral because they are only funded by the local NHS partnership to deal with young people with anorexia. Binge eating disorder feels like a ghost mental health condition: people have never heard of it, don’t understand it and, for us, there is no expert and appropriate support. I honestly don’t know how many years I can keep on keeping on.

Hi OP,

I'm so very sorry for what you are all going through, and I feel really angry that services aren't supporting you.

I have childhood trauma myself. The one thing I've not seen mentioned here is dissociation. In early childhood the sense of the self gradually coheres into a single narrative understanding of itself and everything that has happened, and early trauma can prevent this process happening properly. So you end up with different self-parts that aren't properly linked together in the brain - like an "adult" part that knows that stealing is wrong, and a "young" part that knows that stealing is vital to survive. It can manifest as extreme difficulty understanding or controlling ones own actions. It can also look a lot like ADHD. There is a spectrum of severity, and at the extreme end people don't remember their actions, in milder cases they would remember doing it but can't understand what drove them to.

If any of this sounds relevant to you, here are a few free sites that are a good place to start:
https://janinafisher.com/ - A therapist who's written a book (Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors) - the resources tab has some free articles
https://www.youtube.com/@thectadclinic - Videos for patients made by the Clinic for Trauma and Dissociation in Cheshire.
https://www.dis-sos.com/  - written by a trauma survivor who is trying to make easily readable resources for other survivors.

Many therapists aren't well-trained in dissociation, I had success by looking for one who was a member of the ISSTD (international society for the study of trauma and dissociation).

I wish you and your family the best of luck 💐

You say you have a therapist - your daughter needs a therapist, not just family therapy but individual therapy IMO! She is screaming for help despite the passivity.

It's really tough for young people right now. My own teen DD who does not have disabilities nevertheless often struggles with her mental health, is seriously lacking in 'get up and go' and often also seems almost to sleepwalk through life, spending most of her free time in her room on her laptop or obsessing over her appearance rather than focus on more constructive pursuits.

I think it must be so hard for your DD to 'survive' in this harsh and competitive world with everything stacked up against her. The binge eating is a coping mechanism. I used to do that in my teens/20s due to difficult childhood experiences.

I think we are only now beginning to see the extent of the effect of the pandemic on young people's mental health, let alone everything else going on in the world.

@leilani83 thanks for your very insightful post (I’ll respond in kind shortly) but just as a quick clarification: DD1 and I have separate therapists (funded by the government’s Adoption Support Fund) but they decided a fortnight ago that the family was at crisis point (we are and have been for a long time) so they have teamed up and we are all having joint sessions now.

I have just come across this thread and my heart goes out to you OP. I am sorry to hear that you are still struggling all this time later.

Your search for support has been exhaustive, and consequently you are exhausted. At some point you are allowed to put the needs of yourself and your other family members first. If you still feel the need to place your daughter in care, then I think you should and I don’t think you should feel guilty about it.

You sound like an amazing mum, doing your best.

In your position, I am afraid I would relinquish the adoption or at the very least. I would say to social services that I could not cope any longer.

You have a younger daughter who desperately needs your attention and also desperately needs not to grow up with all this going on.

You are going to be ill if you continue and you won't be a parent either child

Your life is worth something as well.

Honestly, I give you full credit for everything you've done, but there comes a point when you look into the future and think this isn't going to fucking change and that's the point when I would give up.

Just to add, I am not the sort of person who gives up, however, I did have a sibling who destroyed our family, and I do think my parents should have said to social services that they couldn't cope, instead of just not coping and everybody suffering.