Living with binge eating teen is wrecking my mental health…

[EmmatheStageRat]

So sorry for the pity party, and I hope I don’t offend anyone struggling with food/eating issues here, but I am desperate to engage with others who either live with or are binge eaters.

In the interests of transparency, DD(15) has multiple complexities as she is adopted, has a significant physical disability and has ADHD and autism. DD has always been very interested in food and eating and has never had an ‘off’ button; all my party memories are of her being the last kid sitting at the food table while the others would be running around. Since puberty, there is not enough sugar in the world to fill her up. DD always has to eat her share then take ours. I have had to hide her six-year-old sister’s Christmas chocolates in the shoe cleaning bag in the hope that DD will not find them and eat them. She has no boundaries.

DD has previously broken into a lockbox where I’d tried to keep treats safe. I cannot keep a single penny in our house as she regularly ransacks my bag, purse, pockets, money boxes for cash to fund her habit.

My elderly and frail mother is totally housebound with no mobility and I’ve discovered that DD has been stealing huge quantities of £20 notes (money under the mattress generation, sadly).

It was DD’s birthday two days after Christmas and I spoiled her, despite our low income. The very next day, I discovered that she had actually stolen my mum’s bank card in order to go to our local sweet shop. I warned her that I would phone the police the next time I discovered a theft.

Unbelievably, today, I went to hand my lovely postie a fiver from my purse (I’d removed the last of the cash from my mum’s house and hadn’t been quick enough to hide it in the Dobble tin) only, you’ve guessed it, to find the £5 - plus other notes - missing. There is no reasoning with DD, she shows no shame or contrition and she respects no boundaries. I am broken. And I have no help as our local CAMHS is only funded for anorexia cases and not binge eating.

So sorry for this massive cry for help.

I have two adopted teenagers exactly the same (complex special needs including adhd and autism.) Tested for Prader-Willi which they don’t have even though one dc does have some of the other traits eg compulsive picking. Not foetal alcohol syndrome either.

The issues are very complex with adopted children.

I have a trashed home through trying to encourage my dc to eat ‘normally.’ My dc are now starting to develop health issues because of their diet and weight.

I sympathise. It is an extremely stressful way to life for everybody.

It looks like Prader-Willi Syndrome does not fit. Children with PWS eat everything they're given - there would not be any rotting carrot sticks or apples anywhere for the OP to find.
PWS children eat cardboard if they're hungry enough.

Anyway, that doesn't help the OP. I was also wondering if your mother would report your daughter to the police for stealing. DD needs some kind of consequences for her actions.

Yes, I discovered the theft on the day after her birthday, so two days after Christmas! I’d taken DD out on her own for lunch, planned a makeover for her at the nearby MAC counter and generally spoiled her with time and attention.

I don’t disagree with you and my finger is hovering over the ‘nuclear’ button now, ready to dial the police. I have involved the police previously as there has been child-on-parent violence; I have found the police to be the most empathetic, dynamic and responsive of ALL the professional services we have had involved with our family.

The police will want to know whether OP intends to prosecute and if she does, the CPS will need to know whether to progress the case in the public interest. It may not be in the public interest.

Some areas will only have some YOT involvement after an actual conviction, some areas have preventative services for those who are at risk of developing criminal behaviour/or getting caught for it.

OP I would refer yourself back in to the local teams and say you want a CHIN plan to inolve interventions which will prevent your daughter going into care.

OP this sounds devastating.

Is there anyone in the family she responds well to? This is no reflection whatsoever on you btw, just might be a good source of support for both of you.

@GhostTown23 , so sorry to hear you’re going through similar; how do you cope? What ages are your DDs? Thanks for the sympathy, it’s reassuring to know I’m not alone and it’s - perversely - comforting to have some validation that our home life is extreme in its awfulness!

Sorry, the day OF her birthday! Trying to keep the chronology accurate here!

@bellac11 , is a CHIN different to a CIN plan? DD has just been kicked off a CIN plan, against my wishes, as the locality team did not know how to move forward to support us; this has meant that the only support - one hour a week with an Outreach worker - has now dried up because the service is only available to children and young people on Child in Need or Child Protection plans. There is NO respite service available in my authority.

Honestly, we’re like the proverbial hot potato family; children’s services kept trying to pass us to the regional adoption agency and the regional adoption agency didn’t even get their fingertips burnt before passing us back to the children’s services locality team! In short, apart from a few online CIN meetings, three or four home visits (six-weekly), three different named social workers (we didn’t even meet SW2 before she was reallocated, there has been the square root of zero in terms of help!

Yes sorry, Chin or Cin (child in need), the plan may have ended due to their feelings that her needs are being met, which they are. But what you're saying on here is that you are considering things are so bad that you may not be able to care for her, therefore she is on the edge of care.

Thank you, yes, it’s bloody terrible! Hence me clinging to the wreckage of my mental health.

The only people who know just how bad things really are are my mum - DD1 is now banned from her house - and my brother, who lives 250 miles away. DD1 has no real friends so I try to protect her reputation among our family friends by not disclosing the awfulness of her behaviours. I have some good adopter friends of adoptive teens but they are very busy slaying their own dragons!

Thanks for the thought.

I'm truly sorry.
Most things I thought of have been suggested.

Has she had any type of behavior modification therapy? DBT?

I wonder if there is any inpatient type treatment for complex issues?

I think there are a few medications for BED but don't know what they are.

Does she have OCD too?

Probably not very helpful, but wanted to offer some support.

Thanks for the clarification. Yes, she is most definitely on the edge of care. I have consulted with a firm of solicitors who specialise in adoption cases and adoption disruptions. How do I go about involving children’s services again - and pushing for some ACTUAL help?

So sorry to read all your updates, OP. It sounds nightmarish.

I have nothing to offer except sympathy.

Oh, and ask MNHQ to move this to the Special Needs board. There may be more help on there.

Thank you. I am in regular touch with BEAT, the eating disorder charity, and the best and most relevant advice I have had is to seek a trauma-informed CBT specialist but I don’t know if I’m asking for the moon on a stick here?! Also, the BEAT hotline counsellor recommended that I refer myself into my local NHS IAPT service (mental health services / not sure what the acronym stands for), which I did. I was impressed that I was triaged within two days of my self-referral. I am waiting to hear next week what help, if any, is available. It seems that I fit the criteria for severe depression.

There’s no OCD diagnosis - yet! - but we’re fast filling an A-Z compendium of diagnoses. Yes, I’ve heard about medication for BED, so I will need to investigate further. I had hoped that the ADHD meds would help knock the binge eating on the head.

Thank you, the sympathy has helped me feel less alone today, when I am feeling really rough due to a really nasty virus. Hence me posting lots as we’re all having an Oodie day.

I was hoping for a magic bullet on the weight loss chat board and I was keen to connect with other binge eaters or those living with binge eaters as it’s such a ‘hidden’ eating disorder in my personal experience.

Former binge eater here (developed during teenage years).

Binge eating is tough and complex, can you clarify:

• what her weight is like
• does she binge every day
• are there specific triggers for binges?
• do you forbid/hide sweet and snacky foods and try to enforce healthy eating?

In Binge eating recovery it's not recommended to ban or restrict foods, as it most often just makes the issue worse and gives these foods more power.

@Miajk , thanks so much for taking the time to reply. In answer to your questions:

• DD1 is probably about 5ft and is 64 kilos. She currently wears a size 14/16. It’s not so much the weight/size, which is always heading northwards, despite ADHD medication, but the fact that her every waking moment seems to be focused on monitoring my movements with food and money; ransacking cupboards the literal second I have to leave her home alone to, say, take DD2 to Judo or swimming; wrappers and drinks cans littered all over my home (in my sofa cushions/down the backs of radiators/in DD2’s bed/down my Ugg boot slippers/inside her pillowcases).
• I’d say that the binges are getting worse and more frequent.
• I’d suggest that the stresses of school - DD has zero friends there - is a massive trigger for bingeing.
• I’ve been given some really terrible advice over the years from social workers with NO professional training in or expertise in eating disorders but I have had to follow it; think lockboxes with codes - didn’t work, DD just jemmied open the lockbox! I have, in truth, been overly punitive in the past as I have been driven to the verge of insanity. This Christmas, I have pushed the boat out (small bequest from my dad) and we are groaning under the weight of luxury foods. I have not skimped on sugar or treats. But DD1 has still taken her share, plus mine and that of her six-year-old sister. The gaslighting is so bad that I have secured DD2’s Christmas chocolates in a bag, together with a full checklist of contents, and hidden it in my washing machine. DD1 is welcome to stuff herself silly on her own chocolates but it pisses me off massively when she then helps herself to mine and DD2’s. There is NO respect for boundaries and other people’s desire to be able to eat their own treats when they want.

Sorry, just checked, her last set of ADHD observations listed her at 67K.

Chronic ED here, had BED in childhood/early teens that morphed into anorexia in late teens/early adulthood. Yes those sound like oxymoronic diagnoses but there was one root cause: needing distraction as a child, and needing control and numbness as I got older. Food was & with all EDs is only ever a tool to deal with overwhelming feelings.

I went through lots of supposed treatments but nothing worked until we completely ignored the eating disorder, and addressed the trauma issues I was living with. All the symptom-focussed treatment in the world wouldn’t have made a difference, I needed to deal with the cause. It’s like giving paracetamol to ease the pain of someone punching you in the face. The pain subsides when the punching stops! I didn’t need to abuse food once I could manage my trauma history. Perhaps with your DD and her rough early start it was the same?

You dont need to involve solicitors, refer yourself in to the local teams again and say that you want an initial assessment as your daughters needs cant be met within your household.

The problem with the suggestion of therapy and support etc (which could or might not come from the adoption services) is that your daughter needs to engage with this and sign up for it. So wherever the intervention comes from, it needs to support her even if she doesnt engage, that might mean supporting you and your mental health/respite/parenting strategies to manage the situation. You say your LA doesnt offer respite, believe me they have respite, they might not actually have any respite but its a service that you can ask to be considered (if they actaully have any respite carers). Im assuming you are in England

Maybe she needs to up the ADHD meds massively. The impulsive eating and appetite would indicate she’s not on the right dose perhaps?

Or that its the wrong diagnosis. Lots of trauma responses present as ADHD/ADD/ASD but are misdiagnosed because attachment and trauma is not as well understood by pediatricians.

I'm sure you're handling this the best you can. Does she seem ashamed?

I once ate my flatmate food in a binge :( it's so embarrassing but it wasn't a lack of respect for boundaries, it's a horrifying compulsion.

My mum restricted sweets etc as id eh them all and in adulthood I'd restrict myself through diets. This restriction always ends in binges.

One thing that helped me is some advice I found in a book. Buy the stuff, in silly quantities.

Ex. If she binges on chocolate, get a ridiculous amount, to fill a cupboard, of the same chocolate bar/sweet. Ex 20 dairy milk bars of chocolate.

Ideally something just for her. No shame or restriction, just "DD here is your chocolate stash. If you run low we'll buy more".

You'd be shocked what happens. Taking away the forbiden/guilt/shame/scarcity element completely changes the psychological response. And due to the quantity the binger can't finish it all in one sitting, makin it easier to leave some behind.

This is how I taught myself to stop bingeing and now I actually dont eat many sweets these days and when I do I can easily have a normal serving size.

Hi again, my dc with similar issues are 15 and 17.

I have never thought of their overeating as an eating disorder and none of the professionals eg social workers or Camhs have focused on that as there have been more significant problems that have had to be tackled eg aggression and violence towards adults, anti-social behaviour and major problems at school with several years out of education for both.

Re the food, my dc are so preoccupied with food that it is often not safe to go out eg if they don’t eat at the precise moment they might feel hungry, they will have an aggressive meltdown in public and it will be hard to get them fed or back home in one piece. At home food is thrown at the walls if it is not what they want. I keep food in the car and bring it into the house gradually. It is hard to buy clothes for one dc in particular as they are very overweight.

I don’t think I can say anything to help because I am just living moment to moment myself. I wouldn’t say anything has helped except I have to tread very carefully and try not to control the food too much.

I have no experience of this OP but also wanted to offer sympathy. It sounds so so hard.

I agree with a PP that some sort of therapy may be a good start. Is there nothing your GP can refer her to?

I found this online www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/get-help-for-myself/i-need-support-now/helplines/

Don't know if you’ve tried any helpline but they may be able to offer an ear if nothing else.

Best of luck 💐