Feeling so alone and sad

[buntingandstarcharts]

I need to discussion anonymously how I am feeling as I feel I have no where else to go with it. So can I blurt this all out and maybe have some wise kind words?

I've always struggled with my weight, I've been a size 10 and a size 20. Every single one of my friends and family are slim, including my husband who I adore, he's kind and suppprtive but all his previous partners have been tiny so I know that's 'his thing'. When I married him I was a nice size 12 but since having our baby I've got fatter and fatter, my bmi is definitely too high, probably in the obese category if I'm honest. I've become more and more self conscious but I've always been quite confident and outgoing and I have felt I've maintained that air of happiness whilst inside feeling guilty and somewhat ashamed and worried of what others might be thinking of me - that I've allowed myself to get bigger again. I'm extremely sensitive about it and have dieted so many times that 'this time' I had decided to be fit and healthy but mainly just to accept my size and practise a bit of 'self love' rather than calorie count and obsessing about the number on the scales and just hope that everyone close to me would support that mentality. There's lots of body positivity around at the moment and I had decided that my yo-yo dieting hadn't worked in the past so I should try and accept myself as I am and maybe in the process lose some weight through positive outlook on food/myself. Who am I kidding?!

However, my worst fears were realised when last night my husband said he was worried about my weight. He said he was less attracted to me and that I should lose weight for health reasons (I am relatively fit albeit much less than I used to be). He was having ice cream because he had been on a bike ride but he said he wouldn't have ice cream if he hadn't. I was mortified, ashamed, sad and feel so down about it. I feel like I need to change now for others and myself too through this push from everyone else, but I am so torn. I want him to feel attracted and proud of me but also was trying to feel confident with how I am. I now feel like I'm not good enough and tbh a bit woe is me. I feel ashamed and my self esteem has been whacked out of me. He wasn't even being mean, just very honest and I'm shocked at how hurt it has made me. He said he was worried I would get sick easier etc. I mentioned this in a chat with my mum this morning and we were laughing in a girl to girl kind of way and I said I should probably go on a diet as my husband had said the above and she said 'ok we will help you too'.

Five minutes later she rang my husband to congratulate him on 'getting through to me' and that they'd been thinking the same. It was so awkward and I felt like a 15 year old child who was having to have some sort of an intervention and everyone had been scheming and planning behind my back. I feel mortified. If my husband, mum and dad have been thinking I need a diet, then god knows how many other people think I look unhealthy and bad. I just feel desperately alone as I feel trapped in a corner. They've literally made me go on a diet for my own good with no real decision of my own. Some may say this was needed/it's good to have support/great to have family that care/a kick up the bum is needed/they're just saying what is obvious. Whilst I know that, I just feel so sad and down in the dumps about my appearance which I've always taken such care with.

I've decided to do the Fast 800 if anyone else is doing it?

(Sorry for typos!)

Aw OP bless you

I can totally understand how your mum and husband’s actions have come across as patronising and humiliating but try to view it as coming from a place of love and concern rather than just to make you feel shit (which I’m sure wasn’t their intention).

I picked up on a lot of guilt in your post and I think guilt is the absolute saboteur of self-care. I really wouldn’t do Fast 800, sounds brutal / faddy and a sure fire way of getting trapped back into yo-yo dieting. Put it this way, I’m 5”1 and a healthy weight and I am starving and lethargic on 1200 cals! I think you should try something more maintainable. Think of every meal as a choice and apply common sense. Cut out unhealthy snacks and factor some physical activity into your day, even housework can be a good workout! Sorry, I know this might be coming across as trying to teach you to suck eggs but I truly believe it needs to be a long term lifestyle change that you’re not going to feel miserable with.

@MellowBird85 thank you so much for your kind words. I feel out of my depth with it all and hopeless that it will just forever be a cycle. Healthy choices are the way forward - you definitely haven't made it seem like sucking eggs, as you make it seem very manageable and in non intimidating. I just don't know whether I need something major to shift a big amount of the weight before finding something long term to maintain? It's just so depressing to find myself back in the same old place of feeling out of control and all the other negative emotions that come with the realisation that you've let yourself and others down. Arg.

My DP said something similar to me a few years ago that he thought I needed to lose weight for my health and he wasn’t as attracted to me. I was beyond mortified and upset but looking back now I’m glad he said it. I was stuffing myself with chocolate every night and doing no exercise back then. I had bad anxiety too and I’ve worked hard to overcome it which has helped me to stop emotional binge eating too when I’m stressed.

I have done the 800 fast thing and it made me feel like death. I was so irritable and exhausted and I would cry really easily which isn’t like me.

I now just calorie count (strictly by weighing all food etc) on MFP and I lost about 1.5 pounds per week. I also do home workouts on YouTube (Lucy Wyndham-read, Joe Wicks etc) and I try to go for a long walk twice a week too. Good luck x

MellowBird that sounds really crap, I’m so sorry you’re feeling so down. Come and join us on the Fast800 thread and hopefully we can make you feel more empowered.

I signed up to Fast800 yesterday, but having looked around the website I got a refund. It's joyless and not for me. I will probably use MFP and start upping my exercise, but I kind of resent that the government is apparently campaigning for weight loss but is doing less that nothing in reality, with the Eat Out to Help Out scheme. I can see myself being vilified more than ever as a teacher, if I become ill and react badly. I bet anything that it'll be viewed as my own fault.

Anyway, stick with the body positivity, do what you can and don't allow yourself to be patronised. If it was that easy, everyone would be slim.

@buntingandstarcharts Gosh that must have been hard to hear. I'm not suprised you feel the way that you do. It sounds like you already know that their intent was loving, just poorly executed.

I agree with MellowBird85, you do sound to be carrying quite a bit of shame and you might want to look at that as part of your journey to better health. I also agree that ditching snacks alone can make a huge difference.

I think you are on the money with your self-love plan, so perhaps continue to focus on that, but add an element of health to it. So people who love themselves focus on good nutrition. People who love themselves prioritise exercise etc.... and just try to do something towards these self-love goals each day. All small changes add up.

I tried the fast800 and it's pretty hardcore. I do lurk on the threads though, and they all seem very freindly and supportive. Maybe have a look there and see if its for you?

I think its for you to figure out if you're in the right headspace for a program like that. If you're not there yet, like I said, framing your food and activity choices from a self-love mindset might be enough to get you started and then see where you are and how you feel in a month?

You poor thing, I know its easier said than done but try not to beat yourself up. I can relate to the feeling that people have been talking about you behind your back to make a decision for your, for your own good, this happened to me about something else and it was horrible. I think the fast800 is too hardcore, not that I've tried it, think if I had I would have been imprisoned for killing someone as I get seriously hangry. Maybe start by counting calories, say 1800 or so just to start you off, you will need to reduce from this as you start loosing weight. Also as others have said self care is important. Come over to the Aspiring August thread, the same thread has been going since January and its lovely and supportive, no judgement about whether someone is eating the right or wrong things. It is recognised that we are all different. Take care.

Hi OP. I wouldn’t do Fast800 either. Yes, it’s been medically tested in a lab but it’s extremely low calories and is likely to lead to you falling off the wagon when just doing it on your own at home. I couldn’t do it and even the people doing low carb boot camp on here eat way more than 800 calories. If you have diabetes and your health is at immediate high risk or you’re having an operation, then fine. Otherwise, probably not. You need a sustainable way of eating that you can do for life. It will take a little bit longer than what you’re promised on Fast800 (which, yes, is by a doctor but a GP so not a specialist by any means) but hopefully it will stay off long-term.

Also, please don’t get too upset about it. I’d be really down if that happened to me too btw but it’s not worth dwelling on too much. I was obese at the end of March with a BMI of nearly 33 and weighing 14 and a half stone. I felt so down and depressed about it all. It’s now 4 months later and I have lost 33 pounds and am within 10 pounds of my goal weight. It’s not the end of the world to gain a bit of weight and you can take control and get rid of it. You just have to accept that it won’t be immediate and that you can’t eat like you used to.

Oh and I’d stay away from the bopo movement. I don’t think many people are really happy at an obese weight. I can’t begin to list all the things that are much better since I lost weight but one major one is the fact that I don’t feel like my lungs are exploding every time I walk up a flight of stairs. It’s hard to be positive about a body that’s telling you daily that it’s under strain.

@Shedtheload you've done brilliantly and your starting point is about the same as mine. Was that just calorie counting / exercise? Sorry to hijack op.

I think you need to do something that helps you change your eating habits op. 800 is too low and not sustainable. You need to drop it to something higher, likely about 1200 and then take it down from there as you drop weight. And then incorporate exercise.

It’s hard but sometimes it takes someone saying something for us to act.

@Shedtheload tell me how you've done it! Inspirational!

And @SaltyAndFresh you? Amazing work!

@Octopus37 I'm sorry that you've had similar experience of people talking behind your back, what's hard is that my mum rang my husband after a private chat if had with her. It really stung. I guess I felt like a teenager (I'm 32 yo!). Anyway guys thank you all.

@buntingandstarcharts, not me I'm afraid

@11stoneTess how did you find the fast 800? How long did you stick with it? I know lots are recommending the calorie counting route, I think I need a kick start before doing something more long term, somehow extreme two week burst will motivate me by seeing some of the weight drop and then I imagine doing something like calorie counting or 5:2 forever really, as you say, I just can't eat like I have been and expect to be happy and healthy, the two don't go side by side. Does anyone know how I can improve the self esteem aspect? It's interesting you say you've picked up on the shame and guilt but I'm not sure where to go to help with that. My maternity leave is coming to an end as I I go back to work in September - I am a teacher. Maybe the structure will help 🙈🙈 I just don't know but I am so so so so so grateful that you've all commented on my post and really honestly just talking through this has helped beyond belief.

@Octopus37 sorry I misread xxx

I think calorie counting using MFP is honestly the way to go. Both my husband and I have been doing it since the end of the main lock down - I've lost over a stone (only had 2stone to lose) and he has lost about 6kg. Spend a few days eating as you would do normally (be honest!!) And track it in the app. You will soon see where your big calorie hot spots are. Then you can programme it to lose weight and it will give you a target calorie amount. Even if you don't hit it every day and go over, so long as you are motivating yourself to eat less than you were before, you're going in the right direction. My DH and I have slowed down a bit now we are going out for meals etc, but we are still slowly dropping (maybe a lb every two weeks) and we feel we have a great balance and rarely feel restricted. You might find you're using up loads of calories in things like drinks (I loved a chai latte) or with butter/olive oil. Making changes to these few things can have a huge impact week on week.
My DH has a huge sweet tooth, he was never going to stop eating chocolate etc. So we swapped all our normal Chocolate bars for Fibre One snacks at 90kcal a pop. So instead of eating 400kcal on a snack, he was only eating 90. It's been great.
Good luck. I know it hurts when someone close to you says something, but take it as the constructive criticism you need and get on board. You'll be so grateful when you've lost a bit of weight. As I said I've lost a stone (not a lot in the scheme of things) and I feel like a new woman.

@Morgana7 so do you calorie count every day and see yourself doing that long term? It is mortifying when the person you love most is honest about your appearance, all that was going through my head was 'if you think it, then imagine all the other friends and family members thinking it' 💔 but you've gained control and it's amazing that you say that was an few years back' and you're still continuing to do so x

Hi op,
A lot of what you say resonates with me. I’ve struggled with my relationship with food. Lots of emotional eating, portion size problems. I’ve been thin and fit but since having kids I’ve put on weight and felt I’ve lost myself a bit. I’m a teacher too actually but a SAHM for now. I have a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old and life is hard. Eldest is being assessed for autism and life is hard, self esteem fallen etc etc

Anyway, can I recommend the Noom app. I’ve been doing it for a month or so and have lost half a stone. Not fast, but effective. It does give you a calorie limit but I have lost weight without calorie counting as I don’t have time. No child care atm for my eldest.

It aims to change your attitude to eating and will also work on your self esteem.

I did a two week free trial. The tone in which it is written in is very irritating (to me at least!) but I’ve stuck with it and it has grown on me.

Can I also recommend Feel Better in 5. It’s a book by Dr Rangan Chatterjee. It’s great and works on your mind, body and heart.

These two things, as well as learning about self compassion, are slowly changing both my relationship with food and my relationship with my self.

Good luck!

@buntingandstarcharts

I totally know where you are coming from, and think that deciding you definitely want to do something is better than the ostrich approach (of which I am an expert myself).

I would start off by intermittent fasting (no calories for 16 hours a day) and eating healthily with minimal carbs. I have found that the less sugar and carbs you eat, the less you want them. My go to snack is an apple with no sugar added peanut butter, which I think is a constant surprise to my DH.

You can do this. Be kind to yourself, and don't be afraid to change your eating plan if something doesn't work (prolonged fasting helped me to kickstart weight loss again, thanks to a suggestion on here from some of the ladies to look up Dr Jason Fung).

I wouldn’t even think about calories. A calorie is not a calorie no matter how much people argue it is. No one got fat on overeating broccoli. If the current issue is satiety and overeating hypet. palatable foods then that is what needs to go straight away. You need to fill yourself up with actual food that makes your body understand it is full.

As an example of this how much fish could you eat in one sitting? How many eggs? If I hard boiled 20 eggs and put them in front of you how many do you think you could eat before your body said no more. At a guess I reckon three, maybe four. Conversely how many slices of cake do you think you could eat in one go? How many slices of pizza? You have to understand that’s its nothing to do with will power and everything to do with hormones and eating to satiety.

If I were starting out right back at the beginning I’d have maybe eggs for breakfast, cooked with butter and whole milk. Don’t be scared of fat. Lunch might be a selection of antipasti, maybe a homemade broccoli and cauliflower soup or a chicken salad with mayo. Dinner could be a. million and one things. Things I’ve made recently are mince stuffed peppers, panned fried fish on cauli mash with green beans, beef curry with stir fried mushrooms and mangetout, poached salmon with samphire abs asparagus and fried suede on top including the crispy salmon skin. Cheese is great, cream is fine, milk is fine. But the most important thing is you don’t feel hungry on it. You feel satisfied, you can eat until you’re full and then you stop. Down the line you add in fasting but the only reason that’s possible I’d because you’re not hungry, there’s no willpower required. Once you start to feel healthier you don’t care about sweets and chocolate. Plus if you have something you can’t live without there’s always a way to make it low carb.

@buntingandstarcharts I can come at this at the opposite angle.
I'm 20 years older than you and I wish with all my heart my DH had done what yours had.
I have allowed myself to ruin my body with over eating. I have high blood pressure, borderline diabetes, painful knees and hips.

I'm at last trying to make long term changes but if I lose my excess weight I will be left with saggy skin.

DH is very much, your body do what you want, personal freedoms etc. He's naturally skinny without any addictive tendencies whatsoever. He eats to live.

Yes, it's my fault I'm fat but if he said something it may have helped or at least demonstrated care and concern.

Good luck.

Can't help with dieting advice, but just wanted to send a hug. It must be mortifying to feel your family are discussing you, but really, it sounds like your mum did her best to NOT discuss it, until you told her about what your DH said. How did you find out that she called him? Can you maybe just say, "Look mum, I know you are just trying to help, but I'd rather you didn't discuss my weight with my DH. It makes me feel a bit rubbish." And say the same to your DH. (I bet she'll be calling him to tell him he's an idiot for repeating the conversation!)
Wishing you the best of luck finding a system that works for you

Also I’d play your family at their own game. Get yourself super clued up on low carb and to that end I’d recommend audiobooks because it’s fab to listen to books whilst doing house work or exercise. And once you know what you’re doing get them all onboard. All the sweet stuff out, proper food in.

Don’t let your husband sit there eating shit in front of you. Absolutely no way. If they want to treat this like an intervention then make it an intervention. Everybody in.