Feeling so alone and sad

[buntingandstarcharts]

I need to discussion anonymously how I am feeling as I feel I have no where else to go with it. So can I blurt this all out and maybe have some wise kind words?

I've always struggled with my weight, I've been a size 10 and a size 20. Every single one of my friends and family are slim, including my husband who I adore, he's kind and suppprtive but all his previous partners have been tiny so I know that's 'his thing'. When I married him I was a nice size 12 but since having our baby I've got fatter and fatter, my bmi is definitely too high, probably in the obese category if I'm honest. I've become more and more self conscious but I've always been quite confident and outgoing and I have felt I've maintained that air of happiness whilst inside feeling guilty and somewhat ashamed and worried of what others might be thinking of me - that I've allowed myself to get bigger again. I'm extremely sensitive about it and have dieted so many times that 'this time' I had decided to be fit and healthy but mainly just to accept my size and practise a bit of 'self love' rather than calorie count and obsessing about the number on the scales and just hope that everyone close to me would support that mentality. There's lots of body positivity around at the moment and I had decided that my yo-yo dieting hadn't worked in the past so I should try and accept myself as I am and maybe in the process lose some weight through positive outlook on food/myself. Who am I kidding?!

However, my worst fears were realised when last night my husband said he was worried about my weight. He said he was less attracted to me and that I should lose weight for health reasons (I am relatively fit albeit much less than I used to be). He was having ice cream because he had been on a bike ride but he said he wouldn't have ice cream if he hadn't. I was mortified, ashamed, sad and feel so down about it. I feel like I need to change now for others and myself too through this push from everyone else, but I am so torn. I want him to feel attracted and proud of me but also was trying to feel confident with how I am. I now feel like I'm not good enough and tbh a bit woe is me. I feel ashamed and my self esteem has been whacked out of me. He wasn't even being mean, just very honest and I'm shocked at how hurt it has made me. He said he was worried I would get sick easier etc. I mentioned this in a chat with my mum this morning and we were laughing in a girl to girl kind of way and I said I should probably go on a diet as my husband had said the above and she said 'ok we will help you too'.

Five minutes later she rang my husband to congratulate him on 'getting through to me' and that they'd been thinking the same. It was so awkward and I felt like a 15 year old child who was having to have some sort of an intervention and everyone had been scheming and planning behind my back. I feel mortified. If my husband, mum and dad have been thinking I need a diet, then god knows how many other people think I look unhealthy and bad. I just feel desperately alone as I feel trapped in a corner. They've literally made me go on a diet for my own good with no real decision of my own. Some may say this was needed/it's good to have support/great to have family that care/a kick up the bum is needed/they're just saying what is obvious. Whilst I know that, I just feel so sad and down in the dumps about my appearance which I've always taken such care with.

I've decided to do the Fast 800 if anyone else is doing it?

I hope you don't do Fast800 OP. We're mere mortals and that is brutal.
Can I second the poster who said look at low carb to address your (likely) sugar cravings and 16:8 fasting. Before anyone says it, you don't have to cut out any food groups. More veg, salad, protein and good fats on your plate that refined carbs. That's all. A great FB group to join for inspiration is Gin Stevens 'Delay Don't Deny'. Her latest book Feast Fast Repeat is excellent for overcoming insulin resistance and breaking habits.
The number one thing I took from your post is that you have been hugely affected by the concerns and thoughts of your family. But to lose weight and keep it off, I think you have to become ruthless about putting yourself first - nobody eating 'treats' in front of you. No non-nutritious foods in the house. If it isn't there you can't eat it. You are number one now and only your opinion matters.

So... just catching up. Many of you questioning whether it is acceptable for my husband to eat junk in front of me. Part of the issue is that he is a cyclist, he cycles hundreds of miles a week, maintains a very slim figure for this reason and eats extremely healthily, he also cooks all our meals which are nutrient rich and healthy. The issue is that I encourage bad choices for afterwards like snacks or ice cream or biscuits. He rarely fancies any and so I'm even more ashamed that I have literally only myself to blame. He is never showy about his healthy life style only ever supportive and encouraging about trying to help me to exercise but it was only on Sunday when he said in black and white that he doesn't find me attractive that it truly hit home. And I guess the fact that he is this pillar of health just puts me to shame - in my own mind, and in my own mind everyone else is thinking it too

However, I am just so so grateful again for your comments and support. It's been mostly all I've been thinking about since I initially posted and I've done extensive research on the 5:2 which I really think is a step in the right direction because although calorie counting each day, only two days are very strict and the rest can be a bit more relaxing if we choose to go for dinner or something. Also, I have read many posts about keto which although sounds somewhat insane to me, the lure of not being hungry after three days seems very appealing indeed.

(I went to the gym yesterday and I got home and he made me a lovely coffee and said 'I'm so proud of you, tell me about your workout was it fun?' He said 'I'm so sorry if I hurt you, you're amazing and I want you to be around for as long as I am' And I thought how kind he is and of course cried all over again!

Oh bless! He sounds lovely and like he really cares about you. It sounds like he would be on board with making sure the food in your house is healthy stuff and the fact that he cooks nice dinners is a bonus too. Hope your journey goes well, OP.
And getting snacks that you don’t like is a good idea if he really does want something sweet. I don’t like plain digestive biscuits or strawberry ice cream so having them in the house wouldn’t bother me too much. Chocolate ones on the other hand...

Hi my lovely, your thread could totally have been me six months ago - although no one did try to intervene, if anyone had I would have been utterly mortified (even though I knew that I had to lose the weight). I was a size 18.

Unlike many others, I read and investigated the Fast800 (there was an article in the papers explaining it, and found the theory behind it very convincing). As I'm lazy, I decided to a meal replacement version (there are a few - Lighterlife and Exante are two that spring to mind). In four months, I lost 3 stone and am back at a size 12.

Yes, it is hard and it is reasonably joyless, but it took me 4 months and i found it really motivating to see the weight dropping so quickly, which motivated me and got me out exercising. But it is such a short period of time I could just get my head down, be a bit anti-social (lockdown helped) and get it done.

I have tried calorie counting for years (literally, 5 years) and all that would happen is that I'd lose 10lbs, and then get bored/go on holiday/have a stressful event, give up and put on a stone.

I know VLCD (very low calorie diets) concern some people, but there is an increasing body of evidence to show that they work if you use the time to work on your overall diet/lifestyle, and don't just go back to the way you were before.

But I think the main thing is working out your own motivation for wanting to lose weight. If you do it because you've been shamed into it, you are probably coming at it from the wrong angle. But I think from your OP, i get the sense that you know that there are some changes you want to make, so you need to mentally prepare yourself for why you want to make the changes. Find something that motivates you that you is FOR YOU- whether that's a niggle that you want to get rid of (is your weight aggravating a bad back, for example) or a thing you want to do (doing a park run with a friend). Wanting to lose weight for your DH possibly won't work - but feeling more attractive for yourself may.

Haha @Shedtheload that's exactly what we 'try' to do, he has hobnobs and ginger nuts because I am not a fan. If only I didn't buy the other stuff...🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

@WhatWillSantaBring that's such an interesting comment because I also have attempted countless times MFP and start so motivated and quickly fall off the bandwagon when I have an occasion or even a take away as the weight loss is so slow. Potentially it would work to maintain, what will you do to maintain your weight loss? Absolutely incredible loss by the way, that's truly amazing. Do you feel incredibly? What plan did you follow? The fast 800 tells me it will retrain how I feel about sweet, carby foods by cutting them out and learning to love the taste of healthier foods and mainly learning to feel full.

Be careful with very low calorie diets as it’s very easy to pile the weight back on and more. I’ll try and find an article to explain the science better.
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2016/05/02/health/biggest-loser-weight-loss.amp.html

When I did a low calorie diet for a few days a week I could only lie on the sofa during those days and I had headaches and felt emotional, irritable and exhausted. I kept being told by others on the diet that they felt fantastic with loads of energy but it was never like that for me even a month later. Everyone is different though so it might end up being really good for you

I rarely comment on these kinds of threads, but please @buntingandstarcharts try not to feel so ashamed or blame yourself so much regarding your weight gain. If it was that easy to stay a healthy weight, the hundreds of threads about weight loss wouldn't exist, never mind the hundreds of different diet plans/groups/apps etc. It's not a moral failing - it's just weight gain.

I don't know if his will help- or if it's a bit self indulgent, so please ignore if it's unhelpful. I put on a lot of weight after having my children, but also I didn't care particularly about myself or how I looked at the time. Eventually I decided that I wanted to lose it, and I gradually lost over 4 stone about 15 years ago. It took about 9 months to a year. I have regained about 10 pounds over the last 3 years, but still, I consider that to be a bit of a win. I do have to work at it a bit, I can't pretend it's always easy - but in the other hand I have learnt to be kind to myself about it all. Exercise REALLY helps my state of mind - and every time I do it, it's an investment in me (if you see what I mean).

Sorry about the typos - the heat is messing with me a little

Heck, @buntingsandstarcharts, that's an awkward conversation to walk into, no wonder it's hit you for six. I hope you're feeling a bit more positive about it all, your DH sounds like a really lovely bloke. Also when I think that you've been on maternity leave during the lockdown, either of those presents a challenge for healthy eating. You've had the two together.
I read a report somewhere that the food we want to eat is influenced by the bacteria in our gut. So if we eat processed carbs, that affects the types of bacteria in the gut, and we crave more of the same because that's what that particular bacteria require. So a change of diet, if you keep to it long-term, eventually changes the gut flora. Once that happens, we no longer crave the processed carbs. Mind-blowing!

I thought I’d post this video here of Jason Fung explaining why we put on weight. I know it’s long but it really is worth watching even if you only watch it in portions and come back to it. Around the 20 minute mark he really drills down into why fasting is so important. For me it was the magic bullet to dropping weight. Low carb is only the first piece of the puzzle

m.youtube.com/watch?v=jXXGxoNFag4

@poorremus that's a really inspirational post, I love your kindness but it's truly amazing to hear of people who lose the weight and keep
It off. I find the maintaining bit the hardest and scariest bit of all as that's where the yo-yo bit begins.

@pickingdaisies I'm going to write down what you said about the gut bacteria and use it as diet motivation! Thank you ❤️

@justanotherneighinparadise Im actually really looking forward to watching that video, thank you xx

@Franticbutterfly if it wasn't a fad, everyone would do it. It's a fad. Cutting out food groups is not a good long term solution for the vast majority of people because most people are not going to be able to sustain it if they eg go out to eat, go to a friend's house, are on their period etc.

If you have the willpower, yay. Most people don't.

@SilverYellow I was a very similar weight to you when I started - 225 in January, and 170 now. So well done on losing so much already! It's an amazing feeling isn't it.

I'd recommend calculating your BMR (to see how many calories you should be eating) and minus of at least 500 to lose weight.

But this concerns me - you should never eat below your BMR. It's the bare minimum your body needs to function properly. Instead you should calculate your TDEE (total calorie expenditure) and aim to eat 500 less than that, provided that still doesn't take you below your BMR. It can be frustrating if there isn't a 500 calorie gap, but the way to get round that is to up your exercise not eat less than BMR. It's really not healthy for your internal organs and will do you no favours in the long run.

@LockdownQ You're entirely right! I meant TDEE! Thanks for the save... i do not recommend eating below your BMR.

Your post has given me a HUGE motivation to keep going! I can't wait to be in the 170s!

Congratulations on your weight loss, that's amazing!

Nobody is cutting out food groups. We are eating in a way that is low carb. I still eat berries and vegetables and dairy and protein and fat. I can even eat starchy vegetables if I fancy. Show me the bread tree or the doughnut tree or the Diet Coke tree.

LockdownQ I am so impressed with your weight loss! That’s an amazing amount to lose.

With cutting carbs it depends on the person. Lots of people love eating low carb. For others, it’s not sustainable. Low carb has the advantage of curbing hunger which lots of people find helpful when losing weight and it’s good when you’re diabetic or pre diabetic. I have tried it and it doesn’t work for me. It’s perfectly possible to lose weight without cutting carbs so it’s a matter of individual choice.

[quote HopelessSemantics]@Franticbutterfly if it wasn't a fad, everyone would do it. It's a fad. Cutting out food groups is not a good long term solution for the vast majority of people because most people are not going to be able to sustain it if they eg go out to eat, go to a friend's house, are on their period etc.

If you have the willpower, yay. Most people don't.[/quote]
That's like saying yoga is a fad because not everyone does it, but when people do it, they almost universally feel better.

I think we'll have to agree to differ.

Fundamentally having your health is a good thing as you and whatever gets you to that point is great.

I’d advise any of you who are dismissive of dietary importance to really start looking at what people are eating. If you have relatives who are old before their time, who complain about a myriad of health niggles, just observe. I think you’ll notice a pattern of eating and it won’t be overeating broccoli.

*as you age

Yes, undoubtedly. I know exactly why I put on weight. I was regularly eating huge takeaways but would then vow to be ‘good’ the next day and would start a new diet and try to suppress the memory of the binge. The net effect of this was that I felt like I was always on a diet yet I was gaining weight. It took being consistent and honest with myself to see a change on the scale. I eat a lot of whole foods and cook from scratch. I feel terrible on low carb though and couldn’t do it long term so it was a no for me from the outset. I needed something I could do for life, not just a diet. It’s great that it works for many though.

Fast800 is a fad as it’s excessively low in calories and only designed to be followed for a short period of time. If it was Fast1500 I wouldn’t have so much of an issue with it but it’s extremely low and is very hard to follow unless you’re part of a supervised medical trial or something. Lighter Life/Cambridge are also ketogenic VLCDs and have a terrible record for people regaining the weight, eg famous followers like Pauline Quirke and Jackie Llewelyn-Bowen. They don’t teach you anything about long-term healthy habits that you can do for the rest of your life.