Sick of self sabotage

[NGC2017]

A few months back, after years of dreadful binge eating I decided to calorie count to take control back. I didn't change what I ate but massively reduced the calorie intake. That was the starting point anyway. I did well. Lost 10lbs. A few bumps in the road but in all felt great that I was doing it. Like I couldn't believe I was actually sticking to it.

Then Easter came and I got ill and the last 3 weeks have been shit.
I've just grabbed any crap I can without a care in the world. Well, that's a lie as I am writing this feeling like absolute shit, mentally, and physically.
I'm not overweight. But clothes are getting uncomfortably tight and I'm getting more lumps and bumps and noticeably more shapely. Me and my son did some silly exercising as he called it earlier. It was fun, but I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and was horrified by my stomach.

I'm now lying here beating myself up. Self sabotage is the worst.

I'm starting to think the hardest part of weight loss is finding a new mindset. Maybe I need to work on my thoughts and relationship with food before I commit myself to starting any kind of plan?

I don't want to be thin. My main goal is to just be happy in my skin. And that doesn't have to be smaller than I am now, as much as that probably doesn't make any sense at all. I want a healthy relationship with my body as that is far more important than being thin.

But breaking this cycle is so so hard. 😢

Stop now. Don’t stop later, don’t beat yourself up all night, just make that the end of the cycle. You don’t have to give yourself permission to keep going all night.

Thanks @Tunnockswafer

Thankfully I've not eaten anything else. Probably because I'm so ashamed of myself.

I've definitely not missed feeling like this

Oh dear Spideymom. Wobbles are inevitable, it’s what we do afterward that’s important. You stopped. How many days did you do without a binge? Has it been over a fortnight? It’s a habit, that’s all. It’s hard to break. And at least you’ve been able to come here and talk about it. One of the biggest things for me is that it’s hidden - binged happen away from others, at night, hiding behind the fridge door. Talking about it (even in an anonymous forum) sheds light on it. Have you managed to start listening to the Brain over binge podcast? This is one of the things they discuss.

I’m doing okay-ish. Weaving down the meds has reduced the swelling somewhat but the pain has increased probably at the worst point now with a bit of both! But I’ll get there I’m sure. I’ve indulged in some ways (two large chocolate bars consumed in the last 24 hours) but it hasn’t felt like a big binge..so yes, okay-ish.

@FaithInfinity have you gotten to the bottom of your swelling yet?

I've not got round to the podcasts yet. I have a sigmoidoscopy of Wednesday. My bowel movements have changed. I am very constipated so it needs investigating. I blamed my change in eating at first, but to be honest I haven't changed what I eat, I've just reduced what I eat, but I'm still within healthy calories each day. So I guess that's playing on my mind quite abit for the last week or so.

I was also ill over the easter break with a bad ear infection. It's not completely gone I've realised, as there is still discomfort there but haven't managed to get into the doctors.

I suppose this weekend I've felt really down on things. Haven't felt great, exhausted, constant headache, uncomfortable ear and constipated, I just turned to food 😔 I guess part of me felt that eating loads would force my bowel to do something 😔.

I'm not mad about the binge, it happens, but I am mad at how ashamed I feel about myself for doing it, and being fully aware, internally asking myself why are you doing this but still carried on!

So maybe my battle is more with myself that with food 😔