Sick of self sabotage

[NGC2017]

A few months back, after years of dreadful binge eating I decided to calorie count to take control back. I didn't change what I ate but massively reduced the calorie intake. That was the starting point anyway. I did well. Lost 10lbs. A few bumps in the road but in all felt great that I was doing it. Like I couldn't believe I was actually sticking to it.

Then Easter came and I got ill and the last 3 weeks have been shit.
I've just grabbed any crap I can without a care in the world. Well, that's a lie as I am writing this feeling like absolute shit, mentally, and physically.
I'm not overweight. But clothes are getting uncomfortably tight and I'm getting more lumps and bumps and noticeably more shapely. Me and my son did some silly exercising as he called it earlier. It was fun, but I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and was horrified by my stomach.

I'm now lying here beating myself up. Self sabotage is the worst.

I'm starting to think the hardest part of weight loss is finding a new mindset. Maybe I need to work on my thoughts and relationship with food before I commit myself to starting any kind of plan?

I don't want to be thin. My main goal is to just be happy in my skin. And that doesn't have to be smaller than I am now, as much as that probably doesn't make any sense at all. I want a healthy relationship with my body as that is far more important than being thin.

But breaking this cycle is so so hard. 😢

Ah sorry you’re feeling rough, it does explain why you’re not feeling hungry! It sounds like you’ve had quite the revelation in the last few days which is good.

Obviously I am seriously overweight (about 3 1/2 stone for my healthy). However when I got to ‘target’ with SW and I was a healthy weight for my height, I hated the attention I got. I got loads of comments from people I knew, especially colleagues. I started to get ‘you’re too skinny’ (10st 6lb at 5ft 4.5in is top of the healthy weight range) and comments like ‘Don’t lose any more!’. I also noticed that random blokes (like bar staff) got chatting to me a lot more, I’m autistic and very self-conscious, crap at small talk so I realised I kind of of prefer my (fat) cloak of invisibility! Long term, I need to take control of the binging, I do expect I’ll lose weight but I probably won’t get as slim as I was before.

I don't think being slim is any binge eaters real goal. It's to take back control.
Isn't it sad how you get different attention when you are slimmer though. I feel it is wrong.
I use my sister as an example again. She was a very big girl, especially for her height. Strangely though I never saw her as big or looking terrible. It was only when she did a side by side of before and after I saw how big she actually was. I've never been critical of body shape. I think its cruel because it's something most of us can be very critical about towards ourselves so we don't need others doing it. Anyway she's lost all this weight and she really does look fantastic. Because of the attention she's getting she has gone from being the most naturally beautiful girl, to the girl who is obsessed with image, asthethics, looking orange and having men fall at her feet. She loves herself so it's also bringing her quite nasty attention too. Me on the other hand cannot stand attention. Dates freak me out. All my relationships have started as friendships where nothing has ever been awkward. Compliments have always made me cringe. Even if I slimmed down a little I would hate it if it brought me attention.
When my relationship with my sons dad was breaking down, I was terribly thin. But I ate and ate and ate. But I was so thin. Most likely due to the stess. That also brought unwanted comments of how thin I was. How my body needs weight on it etc. That also hurt because it wasn't like I wasnt intentionally doing anything to be so skinny. My point is you really can't win. But it's no one's place to make any comments about someones body or weight.

Today I've been absolutely shattered but struggled to sleep. I've ate a bag of crisps, a chicken dinner and a slice of cake.
I realise these past few days my choice of food hasn't been great, but I've felt unwell. I know I need to start planning better but the past 2 days where I've not binged I've felt fantastic mentally. And despite getting a taste of crisps and cake I haven't craved any more or anything else. Oh how I wish that was a permanent thing for me.

I think it’s a few things for me. Partly it comes from a childhood of sneaking food from a controlling mother - she was a fat teenager, her mother never did anything about it and she wanted to avoid it happening to me. So she tried to control my portions, stuff like how much condiments/sauces I applied to my food! But then in retrospect she also served mostly processed food! Very carb heavy. As a result, I started to sneak food when she wasn’t looking, taking money to school to buy things on my break despite having a packed lunch. When I’m binging, it’s quite often a secret thing, partly habit, partly because I want to hide it from DD. She’s started to comment though (she’s 6). I try to be more relaxed with her. We cook a lot from scratch with me being GF, she’s allowed a maximum of one packet of crisps a day but she is a fiend for sweet stuff, loves cake and chocolate. I have it in the house and let her have some but I do say not more than two sweet things a day. It’s hard to find a balance. Partly I binge almost as a form of self-harm. I hate how I look so I punish myself by eating which of course perpetuates the cycle. It’s a pleasure/pain thing, the food tastes good, I get the rush from eating but then I feel worse afterwards.

However today has been another good day. I have not binged even though DH went to the shop and bought me a large bar of my favourite chocolate. I had 6 squares and then left it. He actually said could he have the rest at bedtime. I can’t remember when I last left some behind, I always eat it in one sitting. I’m amazed at how easily I can take that control back when I’m in the right mindset. Getting to that place is the difficult part. I know it’s down to having here to post and feeling that sense of accountability so thank you

Ps I hope you feel better tomorrow.

Well done @FaithInfinity

Strangely enough I am wondering the same. If having somewhere to come, where others are joining in is helping me keep focus. I very much have to take each day as it comes, and it is early days, and maybe not feeling great has helped me a little, but I must admit last night I was pottering around the house with food on my mind. I could quite easily have ate something but I didn't, so I felt another day was accomplished.
I think I am most proud that I have ate foods that can trigger my binging, but they havent triggered a downward spiral. That's huge for me as it ALWAYS starts me off.

I also looked at my body again last night and made peace with it. Im not saying I like it, but maybe being at peace with my current shape will help me be easier on myself, in turn not comforting myself with eating everything in sight.

Im going to order some books today too. I no longer want to be the girl who can only stick things for a few weeks. I feel I am ready to make this change. Especially now my little boy has noticed the way I eat.

Try to eat a balance of meals throughout the day...maybe 4 or 5 smaller meals will help you feel full and reduce the binging. Make sure younareneatnignangood source of protein with each meal as this will help you feel fuller for longer. Have you got someone to help keep you accountable, someone to set goals with and share them?

Posting on here so far is helping me to be honest. I've felt no desire to overeat, for now at least.

Today I am feeling abit better. Not long home from work and the school run. This is normally the time for me where I start to pick. I've ate a bag of crisps and feel satisfied. I don't want to see what else I can eat, I just don't feel like I need to continue eating.

In terms of goals, my only real one is to be able to kick the binge eating. If I got to 9 stone for my holiday in August that would be a bonus as it means I would fit back into my holiday clothes again lol. But then if I break down my main goal into mini goals, they would be to enjoy all foods and not restrict them, to exercise (my dvd has come so I can start) as I do really miss being active, and to prepare meals throughout the day, plan better and choose better foods.
I get I may not be making the best food choices still, but that's because I refuse to cut things out as then I will start craving them.

Today I've decided to not calorie count anymore too. A few months back I found MFP amazing keeping me on track. I soon became obsessed. Worrying about the calories in everything I ate, searching for things with few calories, or then just not giving a shit and really going for it and refusing to log it.

I have no real reason for doing this other than for improved health and wellbeing and that's a longterm thing.

Well done. It sounds like you are making a positive mindset change which is the hardest battle. Stick with it and take each day as it comes and don’t beat yourself up for the odd treat...everything in moderation 👍🏻

Thanks @Nettsaunders. I think that's the key isn't it.

Ive lost count how many times I have posted on here about similar circumstances. We are probably talking years!

So far, this time its different. Maybe I'm naturally realising that something has to change as my bad habits will only get worse and cause me health problems. My health anxiety is already through the roof and I've no doubt how Ive eaten has had an affect on the struggles I have had with my body over the last few years. Its still early days though but its amazing how happy I feel with myself. Like I'm not being over controlling but have my mind under control sort of thing.

I had one biscuit with my coffee earlier. And was able to stick to just 1. Little things like that are really positive for me as I'm used to the attitude, oh well I've had one may as well carry on.

I also don't feel at all deprived and I am noticing I am more conscious of how I am feeling when I am eating. I'm taking longer to eat meals and know when to stop. I've only ever stopped when the plate is empty, I just push through the discomfort. Now I am feeling when it's enough and it feels satisfying to see food remaining. Not because I am wasting food but because I do not feel like I have to clear my plate.

I've found coming on here the perfect outlet and I am so thankful to other mumsnetters for joining my thread. Its nice to not feel alone, and to have kind advice where no one is being judgemental. I honestly value everyones comments. And feel like we can all be honest about our rises and falls. I will be so proud if I can maintain this new way of thinking and behaving but I also know I can be open here if I am struggling or do have a fall.

Thank you all again xx

Oh fuck. I absolutely hate my body again

I'm getting ready to do my first 30 day shred workout which I am looking forward to. Out of interest I thought I'd take my measurements before so I am able to compare in 30 days time.

The weight did not bother me. The inches on my body did. I have gained between 2 to 4 inches everywhere on my body in the last 8 or so months. My waist and thighs being the worst.

Time to sort myself out!

Did my first workout and I can't believe how out of breath I am and how much I've sweated. It was hard at times but I'm glad they are only 20 minutes long

Well done for having some body positivity in the last couple of days and choosing to exercise!

I tend to overeat if I graze and have more meals in a day. I’m better when I have protein rich meals, a decent portion but not excessive.

I’ve had a good day. I went the long way round coming back from the school run. It was lovely, music on, sun was out. I felt recharged, I managed to do quite a lot of cleaning and then did some volunteer work locally for an hour. No binging. That’s 3 days in a row! I’m also going to sleep soon, I didn’t settle til 11.45 last night and struggled to get up this morning!

another fantastic day @FaithInfinity, well done. You have incorporated more activity into your day, probably without even realising.

I am abit conscious to eat more throughout the day if I am being honest. I haven’t eaten 3 meals a day my whole life. And I find when I do, I am hungry more. I do know though it must contribute to my problems not eating regularly so something has to give. I am also not a massive fruit fan. I never have been, vegetables and salad, no problem, but fruit I really don’t like.

I had an earlyish night. The exercising, after I’d stopped catching my breath lol, was actually really enjoyable. It made me feel fab with more energy. However I was woken up by my dog being poorly. It was bad. So after cleaning up, I sat with him for a while to keep him settled. At 12am I was sat there consumed by thoughts of food, wondering shall I go and eat something. I didn’t, which was good. But it was like I had a devil on my shoulder encouraging me to do it. So im probably eating out of boredom too. Glad I was able to fight it last night.

It does feel great not having a binge moment these last few days. Its definitely a long term thing though so I doubt it will be this easy forever

Posting here as its not been the greatest day so I'm hoping putting it out there will stop any potential binge.

I am shattered. Today I've ate a small bowl of bran flakes, an ice cream at work, and a bag of crisps. I then came home and fell asleep. I've woke up 30 minutes ago and ate 2 Reeses Peanut Butter Egg's. Feeling crappy and abit sick, so now but posting here as eating 2 together has worried me a little as was so unnecessary. I don't want this to mean my evening bombs

Sounds like you needed the nap! Sorry you’re still feeling rough. Sounds like you need to prioritise Vitamin C.

I’ve wobbled a bit today. I can feel the urges more strongly. I’ve had 2 dippy eggs with toast, cake when out with my Dad, Tina Pasta for lunch and two custard creams, then a Magnum ice cream...and then a Nature valley bar. Starting down a sugar path! I’m going to stop now. Back on it.

I felt the spike in sugar today. I shouldn't have touched the ice cream at work. I didn't even really want one but as everyone else was I did. I am pleased though that I haven't continued down that path.

I've only managed toast for dinner. Not great but I just feel so exhausted. I thank my dog for keeping me up last night for that!

I feel abit naughty but I've decided against exercising tonight. Done abit of walking and, squats and weights, but skipped the DVD. A part of me does feel abit guilty for not. That devil is there telling me I can't stick to things, but I'm just so so tired. I'm not even sure 30 days straight of exercise is good for you but tonight I've decided not to push. I've already managed one battle tonight (not overeating) and that's enough

What about looking at the Fast800 eating plan by Michael Moseley? You eat a lot of protein so whilst you don't eat lots you don't feel hungry (due to v low carb, high protein). Have a look and see if it suits you - but you will have 3-4 tough days at the start and you do have to plan.

I don't know if this will help OP, but someone started a thread a few months back about giving up dieting for good because they were mentally exhausted from constantly thinking about food. The thread really took off because lots of people felt the same. Some of us have been not dieting for months, some for longer, but we all agree breaking the dieting cycle is the best thing we've ever done.

@BookwormMe2 I'm sure I've saw that thread floating around. It's so true. Dieting is mentally draining

I hear your struggles OP. I once lost 6 stone through heavy restriction. Went from 15 stone to 9 stone (I'm 5'6) I maintained my goal weight for a year and then suddenly felt starving all the time. I fell into a horrible binge/restrict cycle that led to depression and laxative use and I put 2 stone back on. I couldn't understand what was happening to me.

I had to stop all dieting to stop the binge eating. I started eating roughly maintenance calories and walked my dogs for a few hours each day. The weight naturally came off slowly and I stopped binge eating.

Restriction literally ruins you

It really does @OctoberOrchid but what a fantastic achievement for you. You've done amazing. Are you happy with your weight now?

I do find if I tell myself I can't have something after a few days it's hell and I have the food stamped on my eyeballs until I've gorged on it

@NGC2017

I am happy now at 10 stone 7 lbs. I am working on toning up and focusing less on the food side. Which has felt amazing because I had been focused on food for so long. It took a while to be ok with eating more calories and was super hard to accept slow weight loss. But it was worth it for the inner peace if that makes sense. Because my god when I was restricting, food was all I thought about constantly, it was my enemy and my comfort. It decided if I was in a good mood or a bad mood. It determined my self esteem. It is so so draining beyond belief.

I tell myseld I can eat whatever I want, and with that mindset I find I don't want the bad stuff as much, not sure why it works but it does once your brain and body knows you're not depriving yourself of anything.

If I do over eat, I have to force myself not to restrict the next day otherwise that cycle will take hold again. It's one big mind f**k but I do believe not restricting is the secret to a healthy relationship with food. Nobody wants to eat just 200 cals below maintenance and lose 1lb every two weeks, but I feel that is the only sustainable way to do it long term. It sucks

I Morine Barnes is 13st 1.4lbs DEPRESSION/STRESS. I got 4st 1.4lbs FAT to lose to maintain 9st diet and exercise Dr RB Chitre cares I care. I need to lose weight to get married. I diet as prescribed 800kcal vegan daily and exercise on prescription with 120mg Xenical daily plus 1 hour walk daily. 3 times a week at the gym Ivy & the nurses. It as been 10 years Yo Yo and I have not reached my goal maintain 9st for my married life. Neelam Devy HCA for Cholesterol checks 6 months blood test 5.1 should be under 5. I blame myself naive. It could be old age, menopause or sabotage STRESS. From 16-50 I was 9st no diet and exercise to take over my life like now. I have starved myself to death and kill myself exercising. I have tried every diet and exercise product on the market. WW & Gym, SW & Zumba, Diet & Fitness, Counterweight, My Choice, Dietitian, Health Trainer etc. From 16-50 i only did daily activities and 3 meals a day at 9st. I will never give up on my diet and exercise. Wish me luck I need it. Morine Barnes 59

That's so brilliant to read, OctoberOrchid. I quit dieting in September last year after decades of being on the restriction/binge cycle and my weight is now very slowly starting to come down. I'm becoming more active too because I'm exercising to feel good, not to lose weight. It's been pretty life-changing!

I feel the battle with binge eating is everything to do with bringing it under control, rather than losing weight.

A slow weight loss is perfect, and I personally feel much more manageable and maintainable. From what I'm reading it's about a lifestyle change where you introduce things that fit into your life rather that forcing yourself into eating less and exercising.

I find the mentality of dictating to myself that I must do things a certain way is very damaging. On one hand I am buzzing when I stick to 'a plan', but when I fall, I do genuinely sabotage myself and eat far in excess of what I should, and in turn I batter myself mentally and am convinced I am the biggest failure ever.

Diets are definitely not the answer. I cannot believe for the first time in my whole life I've actually said that. But now I really believe that is so true.

Today is day 5, no binge so far, though last night I did get close. My DS has woke up covered in spots today. Confirmed as chicken pox so we are house bound. I just hope that means I don't pick throughout the day