Sick of self sabotage

[NGC2017]

A few months back, after years of dreadful binge eating I decided to calorie count to take control back. I didn't change what I ate but massively reduced the calorie intake. That was the starting point anyway. I did well. Lost 10lbs. A few bumps in the road but in all felt great that I was doing it. Like I couldn't believe I was actually sticking to it.

Then Easter came and I got ill and the last 3 weeks have been shit.
I've just grabbed any crap I can without a care in the world. Well, that's a lie as I am writing this feeling like absolute shit, mentally, and physically.
I'm not overweight. But clothes are getting uncomfortably tight and I'm getting more lumps and bumps and noticeably more shapely. Me and my son did some silly exercising as he called it earlier. It was fun, but I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and was horrified by my stomach.

I'm now lying here beating myself up. Self sabotage is the worst.

I'm starting to think the hardest part of weight loss is finding a new mindset. Maybe I need to work on my thoughts and relationship with food before I commit myself to starting any kind of plan?

I don't want to be thin. My main goal is to just be happy in my skin. And that doesn't have to be smaller than I am now, as much as that probably doesn't make any sense at all. I want a healthy relationship with my body as that is far more important than being thin.

But breaking this cycle is so so hard. 😢

How are you doing @FaithInfinity?

No binging today and I've managed the next level on the exercise dvd. Though I feel like I'm dying. Currently lying on the stone floor lol

I’ve done 30 day shred before, I feel your pain! Well done, sounds like you’ve had a good day.

I succumbed to the desire to eat a large amount of chocolate today but I have reigned it back in. I’m feeling a bit sluggish today, not sure why. Maybe because yesterday was busy and I was up late. I’d better put myself to bed soon!

I've picked today. Nothing major but as I've been at home with my son I suppose its easy to. I'm starting to think it's something I will never entirely curb as much as I probably should. But hey, it didn't end in excess so thats good enough for me.

My legs feel like jelly lol but I'm actually feeling pretty good. My body defo aches. Going to try and get up early and get it done and out the way

So I woke up and did my 20 mins exercise. Did one round of the next level and I gave up. The backs of my legs are killing me. I may do it again this evening, we will see. I do find the motivation to get going hard but love the accomplished feeling when the workout has ended.
Already though its starting to grate on me. Whether it's the commentary, the music or the repetition of it I'm not sure. I will carry on but I may also plan my own HIIT workout to my own music instead. I'm sure that will keep me more motivated, and enjoy it more.

My little boy has started to itch. He isn't covered in chicken pox but has a good spread all of which look pretty nasty. So today I imagine I will be keeping him from scratching.

Hope you all have a wonderful day

Ha ha that’s exactly what I did! The music and the talking was just too irritating! Well done for getting up and getting on.

I’m getting my hair done, can’t wait, I think it’ll make me feel loads better.

Isn't abit of self care wonderful. I had my hair done a few weeks back after I don't know how long. I felt fantastic

Hope youre loving your hair @FaithInfinity

What was I thinking attempting to exercise twice in one day. I can't imagine exercising for at least another week lol. My body is broken

DD was stroking my hair as she settled at bedtime and said it was ‘very smooth!’. Yes I do feel better for some self-care. I’m going to go for a wake tomorrow as well.

Yes that’s clearly too much exercise @NGC2017! Take it steady, the shred is tough!

Afternoon! How are you doing @NGC2017? I hope your body is feeling a bit better today.

I had a challenging morning, DD didn’t want to go to school and DNephew (who I took in too) stepped in dog poo! I really, really wanted to binge at about 9am but I didn’t! I went to the doctors - Nurse Practioner said he doesn’t know why I’m still swollen and to book a GP appointment 🤦‍♀️ I came home and deep cleaned the bathroom. Too busy cleaning to eat! Feeling quite positive overall.

Hi @FaithInfinity

Oh no. I'm lucky with my DS that he loves school so I don't have too many battles other than waking him up. The dog poo situ is always something that worries me. We have been lucky so far but I can't stand how irresponsible dog owner are that they leave it there to be walked in. It really annoys the crap out of me.

Last night I didn't eat great. But I didn't overeat or binge. But I got my period today so that makes sense. I wish I had made better choices though. But I won't beat myself up.

I was up early today but didn't manage a workout. I still hurt and when I bend down it's horrible. But will see how I feel later. I still can't believe you are meant to do it each day for 30 days. Erm. That will not be me.

I am finding though that not being so strict with myself has allowed me to eat a biscuit but not eat the pack if that makes sense. Because I am just eating without thinking or stressing about it I don't feel any need to overeat on anything. It's been years since I have felt what it's like to feel full. And this week I do actually have a feeling of fullness after a meal.

To be honest I wanted a treat night for my boy. Our dog is having a trial night at a dog sitters so I wanted to take advantage and take him to the cinema and for dinner. But the chicken pox has stopped that happening.

Have you managed to get a doctors appointment for soon? How long have you been swollen for?

I'm having a battle with tax credits today. They tell you one thing and then tell you the opposite

I have to admit not stressing over what I am eating is liberating.

For example earlier, I at a bag of Minstels, the size that comes out the easter eggs. Normally I would coyly grab such a thing, have a mental battle with myself and eat them greedily. None of that today. I actually enjoyed them and ate them at a normal pace, and not once was I torturing myself for doing it. This evening I treated my son to a Mcdonalds. I had a wrap and a diet coke and again I felt zero guilt. Normally I have a 'fuck it attitude' and eat my way into the night.

Over my years of binging I've always found it incredibly hard when I start, it's hard to stop myself. The second I eat something considered not dietary that's it, i have an epic fail.

During this last week everything I have eaten that I would have considered a trigger for me, hasn't affected me. I don't even know why. It feels wonderful that I am enjoying food and not battling with it.

Maybe it really was the time for me to give up the dieting. Maybe I really had finally had enough of all of those years I had abused my body with food. I just really hope this will continue. Its just nice to not be constantly worrying if tonight is going to be another binge

@NGC2017 It feels great doesn't it! I have had to 'unlearn' counting calories, it was hard to not tally them up as I went along but now I've learned to trust myself.
Even on the days where I have eaten too much, I force myself to just carry on as normal the next day or add in a bit of exercise.

I actually enjoy food now and doesn't feel like the enemy anymore. You don't realise how dieting and the food guilt consumes your life until stop doing it.

I've realised I've been on various diets, starvation, binging, and exercise obsession half of my life. I guess it goes on for that long you just accept its the way you are.

MFP was the most recent thing I tried. Loved it then absolutely hated it. I don't remember when I last didn't tot up roughly the calories I'd be consuming each day. This last week it hasn't even entered my head. I don't think I've ate more than 2000 calories each day. More like between 1500 to 1800. But if I have then that's OK. I'm eating considerably less than I was. But I'm enjoying my food now.

Ultimately for me it is beating the battle with the binge eating. I'd love to lose the 'out of shape' look but I'm happy if that comes slowly in time. It really did consume my thoughts and the daily guilt I felt was horrendous.

I'm glad so many others feel now that diets are not the answer

I'm also starting to think that forcing myself to exercise daily isn't for me either. After my workout is finished I do feel good, and it is only 20 minutes but my motivation is diminishing. At least when I went to the gym, I did a class, or a few and I was done. Once I was in there that was it. I had to go til the end. I basically had to do it. Plus it was in a place to work out. At home it's different.

I'm going to carry on the dvd, but I think 3 to 4 times a week/every other day is enough for me. I can't imagine doing it for 30 days straight. 20 minutes or not, my body would be broken.

Also going to look at working more movement into each day, so walks and taking the longer route.

Food and exercise can become very obsessive and I don't want to become obsessed with either!

OP I go to the gym three times a week and walk a good amount too - I lasted two days of the 30 day shred and gave up. Imo it’s a particularly hard way to build in exercise!

It really is isn't it @Hobosno

My preference would be the gym but I dont have anyone to have my DS until after 6.30-7pm and by the the time I've collected him and got us home it would be way past his bedtime for school the next day.
I honestly thought working out at home was the answer. I last did 30 day shred on Thursday. Friday was an absolute no no. Yesterday I still hurt and today I'm still aching but struggling to get motivated to get it done. I really don't want to but feel like I'm failing if I don't

Could you watch a few different work outs on YouTube and then buy a dvd for one that appeals to you most? You can do things like squats and star jumps in the house, I end up walking on the spot too as trying to get 10,000 steps.
Or your idea of doing the shred every other day could work too.

Yes I think exercise needs to be something you can fit into your routine - it’s why most people don’t stick to going to the gym. The shred is fine in theory but too intense to actually complete for most people! You need recovery days to be at your best when exercising. My exercise is usually being on my feet all the time with work and school runs. I also run, I usually sign up for 10ks because I find the training manageable but I did one half, the training was intense.

It sounds like you’re doing well @NGC2017 just give your body time to recover from the strain of the exercise!

I’ve done okay this weekend. I’ve had one wobble when I ate a large (110g) bar of chocolate in one sitting but I’ve not had any large binges. I’ve kept busy or active during my free time. Had a bash with a sewing machine yesterday which kept me very busy! Did some gardening today. So yes, overall quite positive. I’m still finding it really helpful to check in on this thread.

I've had a little wobble tonight too. 2 chocolate bars one after another. I'm abit disappointed in myself for doing it, but hey its been just over a week of not binging and far from a normal binge so it's not all bad

I've overeaten a few times this week, but I figure 300-400 calories extra a day is waaaay better than thinking 'sod it' and binging on 3000 calories!

And each time you do over eat, and not restrict the next day, is a victory. And over time your body/mind realises there is no threat of restriction and so the binge urges slowly fade.

That’s exactly my approach OctoberOrchid. I’m trying to have filling meals, decent portions of tasty food (no low fat crap) so I’m less likely to bing. The biggest challenge is working out whether I’m hungry and just fancy something or whether it’s actually a binge craving. But if I pause to listen to my body I can work it out.

A binge for me could be anything from 2000 calories to a few thousand more, all in one sitting! I think I was addicted at times!

As you say eating an additional 300-400 calories goes over my head now. Its a nice place to be. To accept I've overeaten but not allow it to lead me into an epic fail, is an accomplishment for me. I feel proud that I can leave the kitchen and stop.

I think that comes down to there is no end goal, this is a lifelong decision to make the changes and think differently about food.

You are all doing fantastically. This is real life and not about forcing ourselves to do anything we can't get ourselves to do naturally. Well done guys

Just checking in. I’m still doing okay. Went to my local shop and chose not to buy binge foods (there are certain things I’ll buy and eat in one sitting guaranteed). So extra today I’ve had some leftover Easter egg, 4 custard creams and two Freddos. Still extra calories but I’m happy that it’s okay for now - better to have that than feel deprived then binge!

I’ve been back to the doctors because I’m still swollen, he thinks it might be one of my drugs so I’m going to wean off them and see. I’m keeping an eye on my weight, I’ve stayed the same the last few weeks. It’ll be interesting to see what happens if/when the swelling/excess fluid goes away. But at least I’m not binging and gaining

(name change/but same person)

Hiya @FaithInfinity, sounds like you are doing very well. And what you ate yesterday I wouldn’t threat over as still no where near a binge. Well done. My house is full of trigger foods unfortunately. My son has a treat cupboard, but he is golden with it. He knows when to stop and appreciates things from it are a treat, whereas me it’s a different story lol.

I have been meaning to check in for a few days now, ive just been so exhausted.

Im nearly 2 weeks without a binge, that in itself feels fantastic, but this last week I’ve felt a little bit shit about myself. I admit I suffer with anxiety and depression, though I felt like I had it under control. But I dunno, I’ve started to feel like maybe I was using food to mask how I feel? Who knows?

Ive had a pretty ok few days, though Monday I was totally lazy and picked. No overeating but I honestly felt really down about picking like I did. That before bed handful of biscuits was just so unnecessary! But I have to look at the positives, the binging is what I want to overcome.

I got on the scales this morning and have lost 7lbs. That was a boost, but its not like I am overjoyed as weight loss isn’t the true goal for me. I also feel the number on the scales is irrelevant. The true test is how your clothes fit.

I really cannot wait until the long weekend. I could sleep the whole of it lol

So I started this thread for it to hopefully be somewhere to come and talk but most of all be accountable.

So here i am, after a shitty weekend I've binged. It started with a pack of tuc biscuits. Before I knew it the pack was gone, and since then it's spiralled into crisps, chocolate, cake and a big dinner.

The only thing I am feeling right now is disappointed that I've done it. I was even thinking why are you doing this as I was shoving more into my mouth. Absolutely gutted.

Oh man. Tomorrow is a new day