Bloody f**king nora. Just weighed myself and I want to die.

[BaublesAndCuntingCarolSingers]

I can't even bring myself to type in my weight because I am so ashamed :(

I need to lose 3.5 stone before the end of May (going on holiday with a thin friend) I am doing My Fitness Pal (calorie counting) and I am going to do 1200 calories a day. It's brutal I know but then so was the reading on my scales this morning.

Effing Nora :(

[HappyNewBleurgh]

Omg I daren't even weigh myself.

Maybe I could be stretched until I'm the right height for my weight.

[TheOneWithTheHair]

I'd be about 10' tall if I did that Bleurgh.

[MerryCouthyMows]

I've currently lost half a stone of the two stone I feel I need to lose.

All I have done is more housework!

(I blame MN for the state of my house!)

I already eat properly, so a change in my diet wasn't going to help, short of literally starving myself.

And I can't do high impact exercise because of my joint problems and epilepsy.

In my case, it's the meds that have made me pile on two stone, and if I manage to lose any more than the half a stone I've lost I'll be very surprised.

I'm down to 11 3/4 stone now, I was 12 1/4.

According to the GP, I should be 8 1/2 stone. But I think that's bollocks, because I take a size 6-8 trouser when I'm 9 1/2 stone. At 8 1/2, I'd be positively anorexic looking - and I'm not happy at 9 1/2 stone as I look like a bag of bones!

I am at my happiest when I'm 10 1/4 stone, and wearing a size 10.

Right now though, at 11 3/4 and wearing a size 14, I am at least a size larger than I would like to be.

I think the GP's target for my weight is so laughable because he doesn't count the fact that even when I am in a size 8 trouser, my Norks are a size 28F at the SMALLEST.

Right now, I'm in a 34G. So it stands to reason that I'm going to look like a coat stand with tits if I get down to 8 1/2 stone!

[BaublesAndCuntingCarolSingers]

LOL I would need to be stretched to 60 foot tall to be the right weight for my height!

[Pinot]

Bups, mon fleur, I know what you mean. When I put on weight (and I have - more of that in a sec), I get very bloaty of face. So my face grows sideways and my eyes look like raisins in unleavened bread dough. Which then makes my hair look thin and spindly and the overall result is v J.T.H.-esque.

I also get armpit fannys when my arms are by my side - I get pouches of fat shaped like a triangular snatch.

And back hamsters - you know when your bra is too tight and you look like you have two hamsters strapped to your back? Yup.

I'm a right bobbydazzler, I am

What works for me is no carbs past 4pm. So I'm allowed "normal" healthy brekkie and "normal" healthy lunch but tea is no carbs. Forces you to eat veg (and poo more, which is good for de-bloating).

Make snacks a naice luxe coffee or a fruit tea (peppermint also great for de-bloating) rather than solids. I used to drink plain water (kep super cold in the fridge) and so I could have squash as a snack.

Let's de-Fat Biff ourselves together, shall we?

[mckenzie]

don't forget to fit some weights into your new routine. If you do some basic weight training exercises then you'll keep burning off the fat/weight even after you've sat down.
Do you read a daily newspaper? Make it the Times for the next few weeks as Matt Roberts is running a daily article (today's is for the men so don't worry about getting it ) It will show you some interesting exercises to do.

Also when you walk, remember to do some speedy bits too. Choose a lamppost or a particular car and walk to it as fast as you possibly can to get your breathing really laboured then walk at normal pace to recover and then pick another car/post etc and start again.

And have you set yourself a short term goal? I know you've said 3.5 stone by the end of may but that's a long way off. How about setting a target that you can reach in the next few weeks and a lovely treat for reaching it. A manicure maybe? or a new top that you've had your eye on. Something to spur you on to achieve your next target.

Good luck.

[Pinot]

*kept

[HappyNewBleurgh]

Yes we'd be unfeasably tall but a small price to pay and easier than a diet

[Hullygully]

"Chief"

[BaublesAndCuntingCarolSingers]

Everything you've just said (and more) Pinot :(

Thigh chaffe. I got fucking thigh chaffe on holiday in August (should have been a klaxon of impending biffage, maybe?)

Armpit fannies, yes. Back hamsters, yes, sideways-growing face, yes. Bad times innit?

Yes please to de-biffing.

[BaublesAndCuntingCarolSingers]

Oh and 4 Tits. That phenomenon where your bras not longer fit and your tits get divided into 4 by the tightness of your bra :(

[Pinot]

I have 4 tits too Lordy, we are not sexy atm. But we will be! We will.

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

Oh Holy Fuck. i just logged back into MFP for the first time since June and the 31 pounds I had lost have been found again. Shitbuggerybollocksfuck.

[GetorfsaMotherfuckingMorrisMan]

lol at sideways growing face

It's the stomach cellulite which pisses me off. No matter how slim I get, there it is. Bastards.

[Pinot]

I reckon I am this close >< to getting cellulite on my face

RIGHT! Plan Of Action please, Chief Bups

[Lizzylou]

I weigh more than DH at the moment. He is only 1 inch taller than me, but was totally disgusted by his post-Chrimbo weight (as was I). I called him a fat bastard and told him I weighed a stone less

I need to lose 2 stone, my work dress today is so tight I am walking like Mrs Overall.

Another one doing MFP here.

[fantashtic]

Am crying with laughter

Chief
Sideways growing face (yes)
124 sausages
coat stand with tits

Also, I have stomach cellulite and have since I was about 18, WTAF it's not FAIR

[ToomuchWaternotWine]

Oh please come on over to the low carb threads, it really really works!!!

Lol-ing at "chief" too

[HollySheet]

I weighed myself yesterday.

After spending half a year actually more like 3 months hovering between 9 stone 11 and 9 stone 12, I have finally, after much hard work stuffing my face with chocolate and cake reached 10 stone 2 and a half.

It is with grim determination that I have decided to use a combination of thoroughly starving oneself and stopping being a lazy bitch and walk the kids to school instead of driving.

Oh and swimming. As long as I can manage to sprint past the floor to ceiling mirrors with my eyes closed I'll be fiiiiine.

[BaublesAndCuntingCarolSingers]

Do MFP with me, Pinot. You don't have to do the 1200 calories like me as I realise it is drastic (but drastic measures are needed for me) we can look at what each other are eating and there are other MNers on there that I spy on am friends with too. It's good for getting tips from their food diaries.

Recording everything I eat is the only thing that works for me because I am an out of control bloater.

I also weigh more than my DH, lizzielou! That is terrible for my height :(

[GetorfsaMotherfuckingMorrisMan]

Oh lizzy "He is only 1 inch taller than me, but was totally disgusted by his post-Chrimbo weight (as was I). I called him a fat bastard and told him I weighed a stone less" that is so evil and wonderful.

I have had stomach cellulite since I was a STICK teenager as well. The stretchmarks from pregnancy have all but disappeared but the cellulite has increased. What's the point?

[HollySheet]

Oh I should add that I'm a short arse as well as a lard arse...

[BaublesAndCuntingCarolSingers]

Me too, Holly, me. 5ft 3" tall and as wide as a skip.

I must look like a fucking tank rolling down the street.

[TigerFeet]

I know exactly how much I weigh, and usually do, but thought I was carrying it well - ha - then dh took a pic of me and the dc's on Saturday and someone had swapped me for this pale blubbery no-necked no-eyed blob.

I also spent all day Saturday walking round London and ended up with chafing between my thighs even though I was wearing jeans. And big red welts around my waist because my jeans were too tight.

Yesterday I decided it's time to remove my head from the sand and Do Something About It, so I started this morning. I'm doing a sort of low carb lite, starting with a week's detox of no wheat, no dairy and no alcohol.

There is still Christmas shite in the house. It is a battle of wills. I will not be beaten by a mini fucking mince fucking pie ffs.

I probably have about 5/6 stone to lose in total but will start with half a stone by the end of January.

[Pinot]

OK, I'm going to set up an account on MFP. Can you PM me/let me know your name so we can hook up?

It will shame me into dieting

I am still snurking to myself at "Chief" but only because I get all bucth when I'm overweight too. I get broad of back.

Fucking hell I have to diet. Typing this is really gross, actually.